by E. M. Moore
I stand and lean toward the window, taking the screen out like I used to. I set it carefully aside, not wanting to clue my parents in on what I’m about to do. If I thought the tongue lashing I got earlier was bad when they realized I hadn’t gone to see Ms. Lyons and skipped out on school for the rest of the day after I slapped my brother’s best friend in front of the whole school, they certainly wouldn’t care for the way I want to cap off the whole day.
Once the screen is off, I sit on the window ledge and jump, allowing myself to fall the few feet to the ground. The grass is crisp, a little wet from the dew as I walk across the yard toward the side of the road. There aren’t any houses directly nearby, no one to notice what I’m doing outside, crossing the lawn at midnight.
I tug on the car door and it opens easily before sliding into the passenger seat. The car light illuminates the entire interior of the car, so for a few moments, I just get in and stare ahead until the light goes off.
“Hey,” he says.
“Hey.”
We’re silent for a few beats longer. I don’t always know why this happens. We only do this for one thing. Well, it didn’t always start out this way, but it quickly turned into it.
“I didn’t think you’d ever show back up.”
“Me either,” he says. I feel him move to face me. He sighs. “You’re not wearing pants.”
“I figured why bother? Aren’t you just going to take them off?” He’s silent. He never likes me to talk about it so in his face like this. “I have underwear on.”
“What are we going to do with you, Briar?”
My stomach twists, and I finally look up into Lex’s deep brown eyes. He was so quiet at school today. I wasn’t sure if he’d ever talk to me again. I take him in, his large shoulders, his expansive chest. He’s too big for this car. Twisted in his seat like he is now, he’s taking up the entire space between the seat and the steering wheel. It’s good that he’s this big. It means he does his job on the football field well. No one gets past Lex to sack Reid. It’s been like that for forever. In football and in real life.
I’m not going to answer his other question, so instead, I ask one of my own. “Did you miss me?”
His eyes darken. “Not in the way you think.”
A stab of guilt hits me. I know exactly in the way he thinks. We’ve lost ourselves in each other too many times to count. It’s exactly what he wants. Maybe he thinks I’ve developed some sort of crush on him, but I haven’t. I love the way it is between us now. A means to forget for however long it takes to make the memories subside. “Well, I missed you.” I reach my hand out to traverse the distance between us. I slide my palm over his knee and start to move the fabric of his athletic shorts back when his hand lands on top of mine.
“I don’t think you missed me. If you did, you would’ve come back sooner. Hell, you wouldn’t have left.”
“Is that why you haven’t come until now? You’re trying to punish me?”
Lex lets my hand go. “You do enough of that to yourself.”
I blink at him, take a deep breath, and ask, “Do you like my hair?”
He shakes his head. Not about my hair, but about everything in general, like he can’t find words to express enough how much he dislikes everything now.
Lex started showing up at our house because he missed Brady so much. We used to talk about everything, sitting here in this cramped car. We’d talk about different memories, and we’d cry with each other. We haven’t talked about anything that in-depth in months. Not since we gave in that one night when crying turned to kissing. Kissing turned to touching, and then there was no turning back. He fingered me until I climaxed around him, my body clamping around him like even it didn’t want to let him go.
I didn’t know I could feel that way after Brady died. Then, I craved it and craved it. I’d watch out the window until Lex would show up flashing his lights, promising me intense moments of relief.
I brush my hair aside. “I take that as a no.”
“Why can’t we talk about anything anymore?” he asks, voice soft. He’s so different than what you would think if you only saw him. He’s a gentle giant. Except for out on the field. When he’s playing football, he becomes his own monster.
“What fun is talking?” I ask, a smile on my face. Now that he’s here, I want nothing more than to lose myself in the bliss of not having to think. I love that this is our little secret. Reid and Cade don’t know. Jules doesn’t know either. Nor my parents or the school counselor. This time is just for Lex and me, to forget, to heal, to live.
I run my hand further up his thigh, but he stops me again. He’s straining in his shorts. I can see his erection from here, even in the low light. It’s not surprising he won’t let me touch him. He never has, but I always try.
“I just wanted to talk to you,” Lex says. “With everything that happened today, I thought you could use someone.”
“Oh, you mean Reid telling me I’m disgracing my brother?”
He flinches. “He’s just worried about you.”
“Is that how you act toward someone you’re worried about?”
“You shut us out.”
My anger spikes. “Listen, Lex, are you going to psychoanalyze me, or are you going to bury your head between my legs? Or maybe even your cock this time?”
Lex’s eyes flare.
“I see you straining.” I try to move my hands up once more, but he pushes down harder to stop me from moving. “Don’t you want to know what it feels like?”
I’m under no illusion that he hasn’t had other girls, but he hasn’t had me and he wants to. It’s so evident.
He swallows. “What we did together was so wrong.”
“We live in wrong, Lex.”
He squeezes my hand. I can see the conflict on his face. I’m not above egging him on. Otherwise, what did he come here for? We both know why he’s here. We best just get to it. The longer I’m out here, the better chances I have of getting found out.
I use my left hand to cup my breast over my form-fitting tank top. His eyes immediately zero in on my movement. I moan and bite my lip, thrusting my hips into the air. Then, I pull on the scooped neck until my bare breast is revealed.
“Jesus, Briar,” Lex says, his voice heavy with desire. He squeezes my hand again. I close my eyes, hoping he’ll move my palm over his cock. I want to feel him, feel his need for me.
I pluck at my nipple, rubbing it between my two fingers until it’s peaked and heat settles between my legs. I pull back on my hand, and he lets it go. I move it to my core and brush it over my nub. “Oh, God,” I groan.
I’m lost now. I’m not going to stop until I come. I don’t care if he does it or I do, it’s going to happen. Blissful moments of peace, that’s what I think of them as.
I open my eyes to see him feasting on me. Lex has always been handsome, just like the rest of my brother’s friends, but when he’s like this, he’s downright sexy. It was easy to fall into this arrangement with him. Too damn easy. “You know what would be better now? Your tongue on my pussy.”
“Fucking Christ, Briar,” he curses. “Where did you get a mouth like that?”
“You like it,” I tell him.
I rub my nub again and another shock of pleasure warms me. The truth is, he’s made me this bold. Ever since this started, he’s made me feel sexy and wanted. For so long I was just the annoying little sister, but one moment with Lex changed all that. He’s brought out a side in me I don’t want to hold back any longer.
I squeeze my nipple until pain blooms, but all it does is make me want more.
“Please, Lex,” I groan.
His large body moves forward. He takes up so much space in the car it’s impossible not to look at him. His stare is still conflicted while at the same time he eats me up with his eyes. “This is so wrong.”
“Taste me with your tongue, Lexington Jones. Let me feel you.”
He pulls my knees apart and leans over the console. It’s not by any
means comfortable, especially when he physically moves me, so my head is pressed against the passenger door before kneeling over me, his hot breath caressing the inside of my thighs. He nuzzles my apex right over my panties.
“Oh, fuck me,” I breathe. The tension ratchets up inside me. He’s going to give me exactly what I want. “Maybe tonight you can finally slide your cock inside me.”
He groans.
I raise my hips into the air, searching for him. He rewards me with a kiss just to the side of my panty line. “Rip them off. Push them to the side. I don’t care.”
His hands slide over my ass, pulling me to his mouth. He pulls my panties to the side and I look up, watching his face as he stares right at my drenched core that’s waiting for him. “This is the last time,” he growls, before diving forward and licking my folds.
When he does that, I don’t even notice how uncomfortable his car is. I get lost in his expert strokes. The way he plays my body like he’s been doing it all his life. I relax because I know he’ll take me where I need to go, suspended in a rush of pleasure where the only thing I can think about is what he’s doing to me.
I start moaning his name over and over. He brings his hand up to cup my breast, and I cry out. We don’t kiss anymore. Not like we did the first time. We just do what needs to be done. I’m not his girlfriend, and he’s certainly not my boyfriend. For a moment, I think of Ezra, but at the same exact time, the tip of his tongue flicks over my clit, and my body jolts.
I love when Lex gets like this. He loses himself too. He’s not the reserved center who’d rather watch his friends get into all the trouble. I know I’m helping him just as much as he’s helping me. He comes alive between my legs. “Oh fuck. You taste so sweet. You like that, Briar? You like my tongue on you?”
“Yes,” I stutter out. “More.”
My whole body starts to tighten, preparing for release. I want to hold onto this moment. Don’t get me wrong, I fucking love the rush of my release, but I don’t want it to end. I want to stay forever in this state, this precipice of bliss where it’s impossible to think about anything else.
“Lex!” It’s both a warning and a cry of triumph.
My body flings itself over the edge. Lex moans into me, softening his strokes while prolonging the moment until I’m putty in his arms and his grip slowly starts to relax.
After I catch my breath, I stay with my head at an odd angle against the passenger side door as Lex extricates himself from me. I stare up with my eyes firmly closed, my front teeth digging into my lower lip as I try to grasp on tightly to this moment. But it never fails to fade away on me.
When it does, I maneuver my panties back into place and sit back up. I peek over at Lex to find him already staring out the front windshield of the car like he can’t wait to get out of here now. My head starts to thump. I stuff my breast back into my tank top and reach for the door handle. I’m not even going to attempt to take things further with Lex. He doesn’t look like he’s in the mood at all to ward off my advances. I even tried straddling him once, rubbing my bare pussy over his cock, but he won’t give in. If I ever did get him to give in, I think I would count it as a personal victory.
I swallow the lump starting in my throat. Everything has already started to come rushing back to me. My hand closes over the door handle, but Lex’s voice stops me. “Do me a favor, Briar?”
I stay silent. Everyone knows not to ask me for favors right now. I am completely self-aware I’m being selfish as fuck. The thing is, I can’t bring myself to care.
What the fuck is wrong with me? My brother dies, and I lose my fucking mind. I let one of his best friends eat me out. I slap the other. I don’t even keep up with his girlfriend because I’m too inside my own head.
The first tear falls.
This usually happens, and Lex pretends he doesn’t notice, but I’m sure he does. I’m sure he thinks I’m so fucked up, which is why he’s refrained from sticking his dick inside me. Isn’t that a saying every guy hears growing up? Don’t fuck the crazy ones?
Well, I’m crazy. I’m fucking losing it, and I can’t make myself stop.
“What’s that?” I ask, my voice choked.
“Forgive me?”
I close my eyes and start to swallow the pain those words conjure. He’s done nothing that needs forgiving. It’s all me. Poor sixteen-year-old girl who lost her brother and is now ruining her own fucking life. I mean, I must be a sight. I know why my parents can’t stand to be in the same room with me. I bet part of them would’ve liked if I’d stayed hidden in the city.
But for Lex, there’s nothing to forgive. At least not in the sense he’s asking.
I just don’t know why, out of every single guy on that team, that it had to be my brother.
Instead of releasing him from his guilt over burying his tongue inside me, I just get out. I slam the car door and walk back toward my bedroom window, tears tracking down my face. There isn’t a square inch of skin that isn’t wet and salty. I’m not sobbing. I’m not even overtly crying. It’s just the tears that won’t stop. I’m not sure if they ever will.
4
The next morning, Lex and I pass each other in the hallway like we don’t even know one another. I’m acutely aware of him. The hair stands on my arms, but I’m immediately thrown back into what happened last night and the way I cried myself to sleep afterward. It’s not just that Brady’s dead, it’s that I don’t think I even like myself anymore.
Jules has been acting weird all day. She can barely look me in the eyes. So much so that I wonder if she actually happened upon what Lex and I were doing in the car last night, but I know that’s just my guilt talking. There’s no way anyone saw us. Now, I’m just chalking up her odd behavior to missing Brady. It sucks being back in this school without him, so I feel her pain.
“You know what’s strange?” she asks as we walk to our next class. “I feel like Brady was everywhere. In the hall talking to a group of people, texting me on my phone, waiting for me at the end of the day to ask me how my day went just before he went to practice. And now he’s…just not anywhere.”
I swallow, hard. I may as well have a chicken bone in there for how difficult it was to choke that emotion down. She’s right. Because Brady was one of the football greats, he was literally everywhere. People talking to him, talking about him. For a lot of my life, I was happy to stay in his shadow, looking on at what my brother had been able to do for himself. It was only until I got to high school that people noticed me because I was his sister. Then I got attention and looks, and Brady got to act like the protective older brother, and his friends followed suit. His absence is a huge hole. “I know what you mean.”
As siblings go, Brady and I got along really well. Sure, I may have been the annoying sister from time-to-time, especially growing up, but in the year before he died, I think he liked me being around. I was there with Jules when he couldn’t be. He used to tell me to watch out for her. God, he loved her so much.
“Sometimes it feels like nothing will be normal again,” Jules muses.
I’m so with her there. I don’t even want it to be normal again. What’s normal when Brady can’t be here? It’s an impossibility.
Up ahead, right outside my next class, Reid and Sasha are pawing at one another. I don’t remember Reid being like that before Brady died. Maybe he’s using her like Lex and I are using each other. Though, that can’t be entirely accurate, Reid has been dating Sasha since middle school. It’s like they were meant to be. She’s the head cheerleader, he’s the quarterback. What other options are there? It’s so cliché it makes me roll my eyes.
Reid’s kissing her neck when Sasha drops her head to the side, her eyelids fluttering open. I look away, but not before she catches me looking at them. “Ugh, get a life, Briar,” she says.
You’d think I’d get a grace period on the bullying with my brother dying and all, but Sasha didn’t care about that. I’m pretty sure she only kept her mouth shut before because of Brady. Now
that he’s not here, there’s no one to shut her up. In truth, Sasha’s pretty territorial. She’s cool with Jules, or used to be, because she was dating Brady. If Lex or Cade get a girlfriend, she’s cool with them too. What she doesn’t like is for other unattached girls to be hanging around. It makes her drama-fueled head explode.
I would’ve ignored her, but the mention of my name makes Reid come up for air. He steps back, so there’s only an inch of space between him and his girlfriend and gives me another once over. He shakes his head, and I just shrug my shoulders. I did take a shower this morning. Sure, I’m still wearing a long-sleeved shirt and baggy jeans, but my hair is freshly washed even though it’s still black.
“Maybe you should find a guy to fuck that look off your face,” Sasha says, her nose scrunching up.
“Why? That hasn’t worked for you yet.”
Her gaze narrows, and I can’t help but smile. She thinks she’s so smart, but she’s an idiot. She’s using Reid to get her ass out of Spring Hill. She thinks he’ll take her to college with him and then beyond if he ever makes it into the NFL. She sure as hell isn’t going to take her hooks out of him. It’s her only chance, and honestly, I can see she was thinking ahead. So maybe she does have some sort of brain in her.
“Watch your mouth,” Reid says, eyeing me.
Jules tries to tug me into our class, so we avoid a confrontation, but what’s the fun in that? I just eye him until he sighs.
He steps away from Sasha and moves forward. His green eyes appraise me, and I know that whatever ridiculous standard he’s set for me in his head on how I should be acting hasn’t been met. “You didn’t go to your meeting yesterday.”
I shake my head. No, I didn’t. I sat there and texted Ezra on that little piece of grass just outside the parking lot.
“You should go.”
“I’ve got another chance today,” I tell him.
“You’re going to run out of chances.”