by E. M. Moore
“Why do you care?”
“Come on,” Jules says, tugging on my hand again.
Reid gives her an apologetic look. Why is it always Jules that people feel sorry for? “No, I need to hear this,” I tell her, not ever taking my eyes away from Reid’s. “I need to know why somehow I don’t meet the approval of the quarterback of our football team. I mean, that’s something we should all strive to meet, isn’t it?” The sarcasm is just oozing off me. I’m practically swimming with it.
“You want to know why I care,” Reid says. He moves forward. He comes at me so fast I have to step back. Before I know it, my back is against the metal locker and Reid Parker is in my face. His chiseled jaw jumps. Beyond his shoulder, I see Sasha standing there, hands on her hips, her eyes are practically bugging out of her head as she stares me down. “Your brother’s not here, so if I’m the one who has to make you toe the line, I will.”
My face heats. “You’re not a stand-in for Brady.” I can barely get the words out. How dare he talk about him right here right now. I want to spit in his face. Like anyone could step into my brother’s shoes. “I don’t need you.”
“You obviously need something.”
“Trust me, I’ve got things handled, so whatever fucking ridiculous…thing you have over making sure I’m fine, you can let it go. I don’t want it.”
“Until your mom stops calling me, crying in my ear, you’re going to get it.”
I suck in a breath. I narrow my eyes at him, trying to figure out whether he’s lying or not. Why is mom calling Reid of all people? If she is even calling him.
“Leave her alone, Reid,” Jules says.
His head snaps to her. He gives her a slight frown. “I’m sorry, Juliet, but this has nothing to do with you.”
Sasha’s hands close around Reid’s bicep. It’s only then that I realize how close we’d gotten to one another. The stench of her hand lotion permeates my nostrils, and I pull away only there’s no place for me to go. Reid takes in our proximity and lets Sasha move him back. “Be careful, baby,” she says. “You’ll get a disease.”
He ignores her. “Tomorrow I want to see regular clothes. I mean it.”
“These are regular clothes.”
“Something presentable.”
Sasha snickers. “Who cares? Let her look like a homeless person.”
“Fuck off, Sasha,” Jules snaps.
Both Reid and Sasha stop to stare at Jules. I can tell Jules is shaking, but she crosses her arms over her chest and lifts her chin in the air. That’s the only thing that gets me to move. Both Reid and Sasha are too shocked to say anything, so I take her forearm and we walk into class right before the bell rings. The teacher glares at us until we take our seats in the back, but I don’t care. Jules may finally be getting her voice back.
In lunch, Jules doesn’t sit with the football table. She and I take over the end of the table I found yesterday and spend the whole hour chatting quietly or just in silence. She’s one of the only people I can stand to be around after Brady died. I don’t feel like I have to fill the silence when we’re together. There’s no pressure to talk or be quiet or to try to figure out the right thing to say. I wish it was the same with my parents.
“Let’s hit up the boutique shops after school, okay?” Jules asks.
My brows pull together. She’s not even looking at me. She’s dangling her fork into her mashed potatoes. “You want to go shopping?” Then it dawns on me. “You want me to buy clothes I’ll wear, don’t you?”
Her head snaps up. “No. No, of course not. I don’t give a shit about that. I was going to look for something, but we can do something else. Maybe get some ice cream or a bite to eat. I’ll drive you home afterward.”
I bite the inside of my cheek. Jules hasn’t been to my house since Brady died. I figured she didn’t want to because it would hurt too much. I know for a fact she lost her virginity to him in his bedroom. Maybe she’s finally ready. Maybe this is just the way she’s broaching the subject. “Sure. Fine. Whatever you want.”
“So, you’ll be around at the end of school? You’re not going to skip again?”
“I don’t have any plans to skip at present,” I tell her with a short smile.
She rolls her eyes in a moment of normalcy. But then it’s as if we both realized that we forgot for a second, so we go back to the all-encompassing sadness instead.
Behind me, I can hear the football table going crazy like normal. Because I was Brady’s sister and because I was friends with Jules, I got to sit there last year. We laughed, talked, and joked. I actually had fun, but as soon as Brady died, I didn’t want anything to do with it. In fact, when I finally came back to school to finish the year, I didn’t even eat lunch in the cafeteria at all. I ate in the library. We—my parents and me—figured I had so much studying to do anyway. No one wanted me to fall behind since I’d already skipped a grade anyway.
Yeah, that’s right. The one who doesn’t want to even think about school anymore skipped a grade. In middle school, I was a year behind Brady and his friends, but I skipped eighth and went right to the high school with him in the same grade. He was proud of me. We walked into Freshman year together with his arm slung over my shoulders. It’s one of my favorite memories. It felt like the Pages were about to take over Spring Hill High. He was the big shot, soon-to-be captain of the football team, and I was destined to be Valedictorian.
Without thinking, my gaze wanders the cafeteria to find Theo Laughlin. He’s off in the corner at the smart kid table. His glasses are pushed up his nose as he reads his Chem book. He was the only true competition I had to get Valedictorian. When I look at him though, I can’t muster up any of the warrior in me to want to challenge him for that spot. I used to stare at him before, and it would make me want to work harder, do better, especially if he was doing schoolwork during lunch. Who does that?
Freshman year, I came out ahead, but last year, he beat me, and not by just a little either. He slaughtered me. My grades from before Brady’s death were so good that I wasn’t in much danger of failing, but my whole average went down by the time school ended.
The bell rings overhead, and Jules and I go our separate ways for the last classes of the day. Then, we meet out in the parking lot next to her car after I talk with the counselor and serve my detention. She just happens to be parked right next to Lex’s silver Honda Civic. I stare into the passenger seat, imagining how I would’ve looked from an outsider if they’d spied us in there yesterday.
With a quick shake of my head, I get in her car and she drives us down to the small downtown area that Spring Hill boasts. It’s just a few boutique shops, a small dessert place alongside a hairdresser, a pizza shop, and a diner with terrible food. I have no idea how they stay open, but I see a bunch of elderly in Spring Hill still eat there, so my only guess is that the place used to be really good and they just can’t seem to let it go.
We go into a few of the clothing shops. I finger a few of the tops. Some of them are really pretty despite the small selection, and I have no problem helping to pick out outfits for Jules, but not for myself. When we get done, we walk down to the dessert shop and get small ice cream cones before getting back into her car.
There’s no mistaking it now. The tension in the air has skyrocketed since Jules pointed the car toward my house. She’s driving extra slow and super carefully as if to put off the inevitable. “Jules,” I say, unable to keep quiet about it any longer. “You don’t have to do this. Just drop me off down the road. I’ll walk the rest of the way.”
She blinks. “What?”
“Drop me off. I’ll walk.”
She shakes her head like she has no idea what I’m talking about. “Oh, no, I’m fine.” This time, she makes an effort to press down on the gas a little harder to appear normal, but the tension never leaves the inside of the car. She even makes my stomach queasy like I’ve downed an extra shot of adrenaline.
When we come around the corner and we’re within seeing d
istance of my house, her foot on the gas falters a little. I look up to see what she’s staring at and notice a bunch of cars in the driveway. “W-what’s going on?”
Jules shakes her head. “Nothing.”
I look from her to the house and back again. Her free leg starts jumping up and down. “What the hell is this, Jules?”
She doesn’t answer until we pull into the driveway. I see Lex’s silver Honda Civic, and even Reid’s Escape sitting there. My stomach flips over itself. I’d actually been feeling a little better this afternoon after the talk with the counselor and then the little break with Jules after school, but I feel like my life is about to turn upside down…for the second time.
The front door opens, and my parents step out, staring into Jules’s car. “What’s going on?” I say again, my voice breaking. Sometimes it feels like there’s so much inside me that needs to be felt that I don’t know how to feel it unless it’s in tear form.
“Your parents wanted to talk to you,” she says quietly.
I blink up at her, the puzzle pieces coming together. Jules is here for the first time since Brady died. The guys are here. My parents, and God knows who else. “They talked you into this, didn’t they?”
“We all care about you, Briar.”
Holy fuck. I know what this is. I’m about to walk into a goddamn intervention.
Fuck me.
5
We’re all in my living room. Mom and Dad are sitting on the arm rests on either side of the couch. Between them are Lex and Jules. Cade and Reid are sitting in the armchairs while I’m seated in a chair from the dining room table surrounded by all of them.
I can’t keep from staring at Jules. She knows, too, because she hasn’t looked up once since my parents coaxed me into the house. My first thought was that there aren’t a lot of people here. Easier to deal with. Then again, are there really so little people who “care” about me? And I’m not even counting Brady’s friends in this. I stare at my mother. “Why are they here?”
“Who?”
“Them,” I say, pointing at Lex first then the other two. I don’t even want to think about how Lex’s tongue devoured me last night, and he must have known about this the entire time. That’s just something I can’t fathom right now. At least he can’t really meet my eyes either.
“Come on, Shortie,” Cade says.
I shake my head. “No, I’m not going to ‘come on’.” I stare at my mother to implore her with my eyes. This is embarrassing enough, but to have to go through it in front of them. They’re not even my friends, and they don’t care about me. According to Reid, they only care because my mother’s been calling to cry to them. If she needs them, fine, but I don’t.
“They’re here representing Brady,” my father says.
I grind my teeth together. For the love of all that is holy, they are not fucking substitutions for my brother. You can’t just replace one with the other three. My foot starts to bob up and down, but I keep my mouth screwed shut. If they like having my brother’s friends around to help remind them of Brady, fine, but it shouldn’t be shoved in my face. They certainly shouldn’t be here during this. But since they’re already here, I guess I just have to grin and bear it. That’s what everyone wants from me anyway. “Poor choice,” I say, leaning back in my chair with my arms crossed.
“We’re trying to reach you, Briar,” my mom says. She’s looking at me now like she’s been looking at me since Brady died. Like she doesn’t even know me, like everything out of my mouth surprises her now.
“By embarrassing me. Good call.”
“No,” my father intervenes. “By showing you the people who care about you.”
I stare at Reid then. Why is he doing this? Why are they all doing this? Brady died. That should have been the surgical removal of them from our lives. “Don’t you have football or something?” I ask, staring straight into Reid’s green eyes.
“Yes. We do,” he says. His voice is curt, filled with the vitriol I’ve come to expect from him. Like he blames me for them being here.
“I didn’t ask you to be here,” I say flippantly.
A low growl starts to pour from his mouth, but Cade cuts him off. “Well, we’re here anyway. I would just like to start off by saying that the baggy look is not doing you any favors, Shortie. Also, the dark hair just makes you look that much paler than your already pale ass.”
“Thanks for the beauty tips,” I deadpan.
“Thank you for sharing that,” my father says, nodding at Cade like what he said was mind-blowingly revealing.
I glare at him. What, did he read some sort of manual on how to give an intervention? “Oh yes, thank you for sharing that, Cade. I’m glad you find me repulsive, but I’m even happier that I don’t give a fuck what you think about me.”
“Briar!” my mother snaps.
Cade just laughs it off though. Nothing gets to that guy. He’s too carefree. I give him a smug grin and he returns it.
“Who else wants to share something?” my father asks. His hair has gotten a lot grayer in the months since Brady died. Maybe it’s the loss of his only son. Maybe it’s because I’ve been losing my damn mind. Or a combination of both. I don’t know.
My mother places her hands in front of her mouth, teepee style, then brings them down to her lap. “Briar, I love you. You know that. I’ve tried to get you the help you needed to feel better. I feel like I’ve done all I can and all I know how to do. You can’t let your life go to waste because Brady’s dead. You can’t.”
If I knew how to get my shit together, I already would have. Why doesn’t anyone get that?
I don’t know how to answer her, so I don’t. “Anyone else?”
Reid shuffles his feet. “Yeah, I’ve got something to say.” When I turn to look at him, some of the anger has seeped away from his face. He clears his throat. “Do you know how proud Brady was of you?” His face twists and it looks like he’s wrangling some sort of emotion under control. “For skipping a grade? For being kind of cool for a sister? I guarantee you he would not like this person you are now.” He gestures toward me with a dismissive wave.
My heart cracks, but I slap some super glue on there and harden up. “Cool. Who else?”
“Jesus. Are you even listening?” Reid asks.
I ignore him. I glare at Jules until she shifts uncomfortably. When she lifts her gaze to mine, her eyes round. She tucks her hair behind her ears, and says, “I know you’re super pissed at me right now. For not telling you about this and for telling you I wanted to hang out just so I could bring you here, but you know I care about you.” She takes a deep breath. A small smile flits over her face. It’s not long lived, and it’s almost whimsical in a sense. “Your brother loved you. He was proud of you. I’m not going to say he wouldn’t like you now because he would love you no matter what, Briar. But I do know he would be intensely concerned for you.” A single tear runs down her face. “He used to tell me you studied too much. He was concerned about that, so I know for a fact he would be worrying about you right now. If he—” She chokes on her words and starts over. “If he’d been alive when you ran away…” She shakes her head. “Oh, God. He would’ve been devastated.”
I’m trying to strengthen my resolve, but it’s quickly dissipating. It happens every time I think about Brady. I know he’d be worried about me. Hell, I’m worried about myself. I’m making decisions now that are going to change my future, but I can’t fucking stop. How do I tell them this though? How do I tell them I can’t figure out why I’m behaving like this? They won’t get it. “I know,” I tell her.
She’s crying now, tears streaming down her face unchecked. Lex places his arm around her shoulder, and I just stare blankly at the spot they connect. My dad claps her on the back a couple of times while pinching his nose. That’s about as comforting as he gets.
“Right, so…” Mom looks around. “Lex, do you have anything to say to Briar?”
He clams up. His hand falls from Jules’s shoulder, and
he looks at me. Guilt is written all over his face. All I can think in that moment is that I’d much rather be spending this time with him in his Civic than talking about all this. He runs a hand down his cheek. “I have something to say, but I’m going to say it to her privately. On top of that, I just want her to know that I want her to get better.”
“I am sitting right here,” I tell him. “You can actually address me.”
Lex’s jaw ticks as he looks me in the eye. “I want you to get better, Briar. I want you better for a whole slew of reasons that I can’t even begin to list, but maybe the number one reason is because you don’t deserve to spend your whole life in Spring Hill, waitressing at that shit diner downtown because you dropped out of high school. But you also don’t deserve to hide away in the big city and still be nothing either. The Briar Page I knew before wouldn’t take any of that. It wasn’t good enough for you then, and it’s not good enough for you now.”
By the time Lex finishes talking, he’s out of breath, and his voice is raised several octaves. I just blink at him. Then, I take a slow perusal around the room to stare at everyone. I don’t know how to end this, but I know I want all of this to end right now. I don’t want to ever think about this again, and I sure as hell never want to go through this again.
“Good,” my mom says, still wiping tears from her face. “Now, Briar, is there anything you have to say? What can we do to help you?”
I shrug. “I’m fine.”
Her lips start to thin. “We’ll do anything to help you. Just tell us what it is.”
“I actually think I just need space. Also, I need to pee.”
Reid’s hands turn to fists at his sides. “You had space when you were in fucking Calcutta for the week,” he roars. “When none of us knew where you fucking were.”
Even my mom jumps at that. I don’t. I’m used to it from him.
“Space isn’t working,” my dad says, taking the more tactical approach and ignoring Reid’s outburst.
I shrug again. “Then I don’t know what to tell you that I need.” I don’t know what I need is the real answer, but I refuse not to have an answer. How can I not know what will make me better? Or better yet, what do I tell them when the only thing that can make me better is impossible? I need Brady. Right here, right now. That’s what I need.