by E. M. Moore
As soon as we’re finished and Mrs. Parker starts to clear the plates, Reid tilts his head, indicating for us to follow him. He takes us into the lived-in living room, sitting down on the couch and pulling me onto his lap. Cade sits on the other end of the couch while Lex stands near the TV stand, his arms crossed, trying not to look at Reid while he talks. “She’s placated for now, but we’ll have to fucking watch her,” Reid says. He shakes his head. “I can’t believe I ever—” A shiver rolls through him that transfers to me. I hug myself, rubbing my hands up and down my arm.
“Maybe we could tell someone,” I say. “The principal or her parents…”
Reid laughs harshly. “Her parents are worse than her. All they want is for her to be happy, so no, it won’t help telling them. Things would just get worse.”
“The police then?” Lex asks. “It’s illegal to have pictures of a minor like that. Plus, she must’ve hacked into Briar’s account to get them. That’s an offense, right?”
I turn my head away. I really don’t want anyone seeing those pictures. The police are just going to look at me like I’m this sad, pathetic girl.
“I think if we can just keep Sasha from showing the pictures, we should keep this between us. Maybe if she threatens to use them again, we’ll tell someone.”
“So,” Cade says. “What did you have to do to get her to agree not to show them?”
My body locks up. I don’t want to hear what he has to say. I don’t know why I’m so worried about what’s going to come out of his mouth. She wants him back. So, if she’s decided she’s not going to show the pictures off just yet, is that how he got her to do it? Did they kiss? Are they dating again?
Reid pulls me to him, holding me close to his chest. “I bluffed,” he says. “I told her I had something that would ruin her if she did anything to hurt Briar.”
“Okay…” Cade says, sounding skeptical.
“I didn’t know what to fucking do,” Reid spits. “I’m sure if I think about it, I probably do have dirt on her. I mean, shit, she’s a terrible person. I’ll have to think about it, or we can work to get something on her if I can’t think of anything, but what matters right now is that it’s over with. There’s no imminent threat to Briar.” He pulls me to him again like he can’t get me close enough. His lips over my ear, making me shiver, he whispers. “I won’t let anything happen to you. Promise.”
I like that promise, and maybe that’s my problem. No one can make promises like that. Not Reid. Not anyone. The truth is, we never know what’s going to happen. That’s why it was such a shock when Brady died. I put my world into him, if I think about it. My whole life revolved around him. He was my brother. His friends were my friends. When he was taken out of the equation, I had no one.
It scares the shit out of me to be that way again.
Cade slaps his thighs. “Alright. I’ll see what I can’t get out of um…” He snaps his fingers. “Um…”
“Jesus. Hayley,” I say.
He smiles. “That’s it.”
“I have no idea why you had a hard time thinking of that. You’re only fucking her,” I say sarcastically.
Cade shrugs. “Don’t judge, Shortie.” He scratches his jaw. “I’ll see if I can’t get Hayley to spill her guts about Sasha. I’m sure those cheerleaders have dirt on her.” He gets this twinkling look in his eye. “I’ll just tell her if she wants the cock, she’ll have—”
“We get it,” Lex snaps. He walks forward, grabs Cade by the collar, and they both walk out of the room.
I snicker at Cade’s reaction, but it’s Lex I’m worried about. He didn’t seem at all pleased with what’s going on. Not about Sasha, not about Reid and me. I turn in Reid’s lap. He looks so tired with having to deal with this shit today. “Hey, you talked to Lex, right? Everything’s good?”
Reid blinks. “Everything’s as good as it can be.” He rubs down the side of his face. “I get how he feels. Seeing someone you like with someone else…” He shakes his head. “He’ll be okay.”
“I hope so,” I say, worrying over my lip. “I like Lex.”
“I know,” Reid says, tightening his grip around me. “One day, he’ll find someone else, someone that makes him feel how you did, how you make me feel, and then this will all be just a memory.”
I sigh against his chest, perching my hand over his pec. I can feel his heart drum underneath it, a steady melody that’s a great reminder that we’re alive. We have a life to live unlike others who don’t. “I hope he finds someone soon. I hate to see him so down.”
“I think,” Reid says, moving his hand over my chest and flicking my nipple through my shirt and bra. “We should stop worrying about Lex.”
Just that one little touch is all it takes. A surge of need spreads through my limbs, settling in my core. When I turn to look up at him, both of us have matching looks of desire. “Your parents,” I say, cautiously.
“They never come in here.”
“Lie.”
He lifts his hips into mine, and I feel the evidence of his arousal. “I don’t care.”
I close my eyes, trying to keep my head on straight. “Your parents are so good to me. I can’t do this to them when they’re just in the other room.”
Reid slips his hands into his jeans and grabs his cock, moaning.
“Reid,” his mom calls out.
He stills, and I swear my eyes bulge out of my head.
“Your dad and I are going out. Be back in a bit.”
“Yeah, okay,” he chokes out.
No sooner than we hear the front door close does Reid pull his hands out of his jeans to wrap around me, situating me on his lap so I’m straddling him. He rubs himself over me, sending sparks through my body that are bright enough to light up the night sky. We fumble around at first. There’s a bundle of nerves inside of me, and probably in him too, from the shitstorm we had to deal with. This feels urgent and needy, like we need to make sure the other is still here.
I finally undo the button on his jeans and lower his zipper while he does the same to me. He tries to push my jeans down, but there’s nowhere for them to go, not from this position.
He gets up, sets me on the coffee table and yanks at my jeans until they’re around my ankles, then he pulls my panties down too before he moves back onto the couch. My bare knees slide against the couch cushions as he pulls his jeans and boxers down just low enough to free himself. My stomach tightens. I haven’t been on top yet. I don’t even know if I’ll know exactly what to do or if I’ll even be good at it, but I can tell Reid’s mind isn’t on any of that, so maybe mine shouldn’t be either. I love Reid. I trust Reid.
He struggles with pulling his wallet out of his back pocket and frees a condom from inside. He smiles up at me. “I’m prepared now.”
I bite my lip as he rolls it down his hard length, and then he takes my hips, poising me over him. I think he can see how nervous I am because he slows down then, capturing my gaze with his and not letting go the entire time he settles me on top of him.
I feel him at my entrance, then deeper, deeper, deeper until I’m sitting on him. I suck in a breath. It’s not better or worse than the other positions, just different. I feel like I have the control.
“Holy fuck,” he breathes. His hands skim up my front, under my bra, to close around my breast. “Mine,” he says, his voice hard.
I’m still getting used to him inside me this way when he bucks his hips up. I make a strangled cry and twist my hands in his shirt. With that movement, he’s unleashed a desire inside me to know what moving over him will feel like. I rock into him, feeling him slide inside me. I try every angle I can, searching for the one that drives he and I both crazy, but when I lean forward and grind my clit against him every time I move forward, I stay there, my mouth dropping at the delicious sensations that flutter through me.
“I can tell you like that,” he breathes. He flips my bra out of the way and strokes my nipples.
My movements start out slow, but then I g
et faster and faster as the pleasure intensifies. I hold onto the back of his neck, forcing him to relinquish his hold on my breasts and move his hands to my ass. “Oh, Reid.”
He groans. “Christ, Briar.”
I feel myself building now, reaching for that waterfall of ecstasy. When I know it’s going to come, I slow, grinding slow circles into him until I peak. “Reid!”
He holds me to him while I’m lost in the aftershocks, pumping inside me until he too comes apart, his fingers digging into my ass. I collapse against his chest. His hard breaths hit my hair, making it fan out against my face. It’s a while before I lean back and look him in the eye. He’s half-lidded, staring at me with bedroom eyes that make a smile come to my face. He reaches out to run a finger over my bottom lip. “We better get dressed in case my parents come back.”
Gently, I remove myself from him, sitting right back onto the coffee table while I wiggle my panties and jeans back up. My tops are a mess. My bra is all tangled. I finally free the straps then get it hooked before pulling my shirt back down into place. Then, I just watch Reid. He walks away, pulling the condom off himself as he heads to the bathroom. I hear him unroll some toilet paper and then the crinkle of plastic as he drops them both in the trash, hopefully he’s wrapped the toilet paper around the used condom to hide it. When he comes back out, he’s all put together again, too.
He drops back onto the couch, and I climb right back onto his lap and hold him. There’s about a hundred other things I could be doing. Calling my parents to ask how they are. Texting Jules to make sure she’s okay and to tell her what happened with Sasha. Homework. But there’s really nothing better than what I’m doing right now which scares the shit out of me. I feel like I’ve just transferred all that relying on only one person to make my life… from Brady to Reid.
But I guess that’s what love is. Trusting that person to be around forever. Or maybe it’s not just trust. Maybe it’s just faith. Or maybe it’s just despite the fact that something could go wrong, you want to be with that person no matter what. No matter if this ends in tragedy like Brady’s life did.
I close my eyes while I think about this, weighing the two options. Never feeling this way or feeling it and having it taken away.
Honestly, both scare the shit out of me. I don’t think I can take another person close to me leaving me, but Reid’s arms feel too damn good to deny me this one thing.
I don’t know what all the answers are. Maybe no one does.
28
On Friday night, I hop in a car with Jules after school to travel to the away game. The boys are on a bus, heading that way too. My parents come home tomorrow. I’m actually looking forward to seeing them, hearing about their trip. But there’s more than that too. I’ve been struggling with this idea of losing Reid now. I talked to the counselor about it at school today, asking her how people get over this feeling that people are going to leave them. Part of me just wants to see my parents back in our house so I know that they’re okay. It’ll be different than hearing their voices over the phone. Physical proof. That’s what I need right now, and I don’t know how these thoughts crept up on me. I was kind of happy when they said they were going away, but it’s a completely different story now.
“You’ve been quiet,” Jules says. “Is it the Sasha thing?”
I squirm in my seat as she takes a right. I’ve been to the school we’re playing against many times. We’re almost there, and I don’t think I’ve spoken the whole time. “No, it’s not that.”
She side eyes me. “Well, what is it?” Her voice lowers like she wants to ask me if it’s about Brady but doesn’t want to bring it up if it’s not. It’s like putting hurt on top of hurt if that’s not what this is about, but it actually is.
I hesitate to tell her. I don’t know why. We’ve always been able to talk about Brady related things, commiserate with one another, but this feels a little different.
“Spit it out, Briar. You know I’m here for you.”
I take a deep breath, letting her words sink in. I have what I thought I wanted. Other people in my life that care for me, but now it just scares me that these people will get taken away too. I clear my throat because it feels like I could really lose it about now. “I was wondering…” I say, feeling my voice tremble. “This is personal, so don’t feel like you have to answer it.”
“Okay…”
She’s nervous now. She goes to turn the blinker on but misses it the first time and has to hit it again. “You and Brady,” I start. “Knowing what you know now, that he’d be taken away from us, would you still be with him?”
Her brows pull together.
“I mean if you knew in the beginning of your relationship that Brady would die, would you still have dated him?”
“Briar,” she says. Her mouth opens to say one thing, and I think she’s about to tell me that of course she would, but then her mouth snaps shut. She pulls into the opposing team’s parking lot and finds a spot before shutting the car off and falling back into her seat with a look.
I think I know her answer. I think it’s no.
“What brought this on?” she asks instead.
I shrug. “It’s just everything that’s happening now. I don’t know. What if Reid dies? What if you die? My parents…” I choke up.
“What if? What if? What if?” she says. “You can’t do that. You can’t ‘what if’ your life to death.”
“So, you would?” I ask. “You’d date him?”
She nibbles on her lower lip. Why can’t she say yes? Why can’t she just tell me yes, that that’s what she would do? She’d date my brother. She’d fall in love. She’d feel the true ache when he’s gone. She’d live the next few months practically falling apart in other people’s arms missing him, looking toward her future and realizing that what she thought was going to happen just isn’t going to happen now.
Like what the fuck? Why is the world so fucking cruel?
I sigh and move to throw the door open, but Jules grabs my arm. “Stop.”
I turn toward her. I can tell my face is pleading with her. I feel like she holds all the answers right now. She’ll know. She’s gone through it. She’s been there done that. Within her small frame lies all the answers.
“I don’t know,” she says simply. “It feels too easy to say yes and too easy to say no. I don’t think we’re meant to know.”
“But what if we did?”
“But you can’t possibly know, Briar, right? That’s the point.”
I shake my head. I’m not sure that is the point. Eventually something bad is going to happen. Sasha will release that picture. Someone else close to me will die. Hell, my parents will at some point. That’s just the way of life. Accidents. Disease. Old age.
We’re all fucked. Every single one of us.
“Should I call your parents?” she asks hesitantly. I can tell she thinks she let me down on this, but neither one of us can lie to the other.
I shake my head and force a smile. “No, I’m fine.” I shrug. “You answered everything I need to know.”
She looks at me warily. “Reid then? I can call him.”
“Come on,” I say, gently pushing her shoulder in jest even though that’s the last thing I feel like doing right now. Is it dumb to think that all these relationships I have are meaningless? They’re all going to end in death, so aren’t they meaningless in the end? If all roads lead to your very life ceasing to exist, what’s the point?
I feel a black cloud descend over me. This is some seriously deep shit I’m thinking about right now. It’s way bigger than me, making me feel so, so small in an already fucked up world.
I kind of hate Brady right now. If he’d never died, I wouldn’t be thinking any of this. I wouldn’t have to have an existential crisis at seven-fucking-teen.
“Alright,” she says. “I know what will make you feel better. Let’s go see your hottie boyfriend obliterate this team. Okay?”
I nod, again smiling a smile I don’t really fe
el. Maybe I’m good at hiding it though because Jules gets out of the car. While she’s stepping out and closing her door, I take a deep breath. I know I’m not in the right head space to make any decisions right now. What decisions are there to make anyway? It’s not that I don’t like where my life is right now. I do have a hottie for a boyfriend. I have great friends. There’s just… I don’t know.
My phone buzzes in my pocket. I pull it out and see I have a message from Ezra. I went and changed every single one of my passwords to something ridiculously tricky. No one is getting into that shit anymore. Hey, it reads. Sorry about getting hacked. I’ve missed talking to you. Things got weird there for a minute, but I didn’t mean them to. I just wasn’t feeling myself. I’m glad you have someone now. I’m here if you need me.
Wow. Okay. That’s more like the Ezra I remember. I shake my head and put my phone back in my pocket before meeting up with Jules at the front of the car and heading toward the stands in a back field. We pass the baseball field first before we get to the green of the football field. Then, Jules and I walk up the steps to find a good place to sit. Across the field, there’s a smaller set of stands for the away team crowd. Technically, we should probably be sitting there, but there’s a much better view from here.
The guys are all warming up on the field. Soon, they do the coin toss in the middle and the game starts shortly after.
Reid is killing it. Cade and Lex are doing amazing too, but we’re pretty much kicking this team’s ass. It makes me miss Brady. Then again, what doesn’t?
During halftime, the SHH cheerleaders come over to “meet” these cheerleaders. Each team does a cheer for the other, probably one of their best to show off before talking for a bit. My eyes train on Sasha. She’s like the evil queen dressed up with a huge bow in her hair and flawless skin. Before our squad leaves to make the trek back around the track to head over to the away team’s side, a football player jogs over to her. They talk for a moment, and she puts her hand on his chest. I nudge Jules. “See that?”