Tear

by Rachel Van Dyken

“I’m fine,” I said, sending a glare in Alec’s direction.

  She looked at me for a minute then back at Alec. “I guess it’s okay, just make sure she gets to bed at a decent time. Did you know she was sick?”

  “He knew, mom.” I clenched my teeth to keep from shouting, He took care of me when you weren’t here!

  “Okay, goodnight Sweetie. Have fun.”

  With that, the door closed behind her, my mouth dropped open in shock. “Did you just ask my mom if we could have a sleepover?”

  “Of course not.” Alec laughed.

  My shoulders slumped in relief.

  “I asked her if you could come play at my house and if you were really good, could you stay the night in my bed.”

  “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

  Alec’s face lit up with a smile. “Only slightly. I did tell her we were going to hang out and not to wait up for you.”

  “Oh.”

  Why do I feel myself blushing?

  “But if you want to spend the night, I wouldn’t be opposed to it.”

  My heart began to thump wildly in my chest. These feelings I had for him were so wrong!

  “You can have Demetri’s room. He’d love nothing more than to come home and have your scent all over his sheets.”

  “Right.” Irritated that my mind first went to spending the night in Alec’s arms, and not to Demetri’s bed, I bit my lip and looked at the floor. “So, Go Fish?”

  “Absolutely.”

  I followed Alec out the door and into his house. It was impossible for me not to feel like I was being watched. I mean it had been a really weird couple of days, but Alec assured me that the security around the place had been upped, meaning even my place had cameras around. Not to mention giant bodyguards doing perimeter checks every few minutes. I blocked away the memories of the night Alec held me in his arms while I was sick, and stored them somewhere in the back of my psyche along with the searing kiss from Alec.

  I had to keep those feelings hidden. I feared that if I, for one second, allowed myself to dwell on them, Demetri would be lost to me, and if Demetri was lost, then Alec would be too.

  Chapter Eighteen

  “Nat? Did you hear me?” Alec stepped in front of me bracing my shoulders with his hands. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

  “Fine.” I gave a smile that I’m sure told him I wasn’t anywhere near fine, but it worked. Wordlessly he led me to the living room and began setting out the game.

  “So, what were you saying about letting me win?” I asked once the cards were dealt. Alec cursed from across the table, my grin grew wider, and I felt remarkably better.

  “I thought you’d forget.”

  “You thought wrong.”

  Alec slammed down his first card. “Do you really want to win that way, Nat? Where I suck on purpose so you feel better about yourself?”

  I thought about it for a minute. The way the Swedish fish would look on his face, his handsome grin erupting into annoyance at the idea that he was losing.

  “Yes. Yes, I do.”

  “How did I know you were going to say that?” he grumbled and poured the fish onto the table. “Why don’t I just eat two handfuls and then we can play like normal human beings?”

  “Only if you intend on allowing me to lick them and put them on your face. There are rules you know and a promise is a promise.”

  I couldn’t help the laughter as he looked at the Swedish fish then back at me, then back at his cards.

  “Fifteen fish.”

  “Twenty.”

  “Seventeen and not a fish more!”

  I sighed. “Deal.”

  Alec picked up one fish and licked it.

  “Oh, no, no, no, I don’t believe that’s how the game’s played.” Without really thinking about it I plopped down next to him and put a fish in my mouth, getting it nice and sloppy, then very carefully placed it on his cheek.

  Alec’s eyes darkened at the contact. I tried to look away, but I couldn’t. His eyes were so green, I felt lost in them, lost in the stupid moment.

  The fish fell off of his cheek.

  And just like that the spell was broken.

  I instantly regretted moving to his side of the couch. His thigh was warm against mine. We reached for the next Swedish fish at the same time.

  “Maybe a game isn’t the best idea?” Alec blurted.

  I nodded, because for once I was in total agreement with him.

  “TV?”

  “Sure!” I tucked my knees on the couch and watched as he flipped on the TV.

  Wonder of all wonders, Demetri’s face popped on. Entertainment News was doing a story on his current work with the underprivileged kids. Cameras flashed as he went into his hotel. His plane must have landed a few hours ago.

  Guilt gnawed on me like a piranha and I could have sworn I heard Alec curse aloud. It was as if the universe was reminding us not to be complete idiots. It was just a stupid attraction, nothing more! Plus, I had this ridiculous habit of always being vulnerable around Alec, which made him turn into the hero and me the damsel, and really what girl wouldn’t be attracted to that?

  Satisfied that I had yet again talked myself out of opening that secret place in my brain that stored all of the memories shared with Alec, I smiled at the TV. “He looks happy.”

  “Happiest I’ve seen him in a while,” Alec said quietly.

  And again with the guilt. We both sat awkwardly watching the entire report. Pictures of Demetri and Alec on tour, and then it panned to their current whereabouts in Seaside.

  I was horrified to see the infamous picture of me and Alec’s almost kiss, and then immediately the story went to a few pictures of me and Demetri holding hands and the kissing outside the restaurant.

  It was weird watching myself on TV. But even stranger to actually be sitting by one of the objects of my desire, knowing that I was caught in that very sick love triangle.

  Alec twitched beside me. His thigh just barely grazing mine. A commercial popped on the screen but still neither of us moved.

  “It’s late,” he said softly.

  “I know.”

  “We should go to bed.”

  I opened my mouth to speak but he interrupted.

  “Separately.”

  “Right.” I got to my feet and waited while Alec turned off the TV as well as the rest of the lights. Once the last light downstairs was extinguished, my agony as well as blood pressure heightened.

  “Alec?” I called, because I couldn’t see a thing in their house. It was pitch black and I still didn’t know where I was going. I’d never in all this time been to Demetri’s room, only Alec’s.

  “I’m here.” His breath was hot on my neck, his hands slowly moved to my back and he guided me out of the living room and toward the stairs. Everywhere he touched felt like a livewire, even though I know he was only trying to be helpful. I stumbled on the final stair.

  “You okay?” He chuckled.

  No. I wanted to scream, No! But I didn’t. Instead I nodded mutely, forgetting that he couldn’t really see me, and waited while he walked in front of me and then grabbed my arm to tug me behind him.

  We walked down to the end of the hall where his room was located, but instead of going to the left we went to the right.

  “So…” Alec pushed open the door and flicked on the light. It wasn’t at all what I expected it to be. The room had muted colors of khaki and white. His bed was a large king with a navy blue duvet and a ton of fluffy pillows. The windows were wide and facing the ocean. All in all, it felt more like a hotel than a guy’s bedroom.

  “Creepy, I know,” Alec said behind me. “He’s weird about keeping his room clean and clutter free, says it messes with his music if he has clutter in his life.”

  “Sounds like him.” I smiled. I really did miss that boy.

  “So,” Alec clapped his hands together as if he was a tour guide making and important point, “The bathroom’s right through there, and the sheets are clean. I’ll
see you in the morning, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  Alec nodded and walked out of the room.

  I called after him. “Alec, thanks for letting me stay and for…” I sighed. “For saying I’m important.”

  “No problem.” He gave a sad smile and closed the door behind him.

  I let out a sigh of relief as I slumped onto Demetri’s bed. I really wished he was there. If he was there then his stupid brother wouldn’t be distracting me like he was. Or at least I could lock myself in his room and pretend that his very attractive very unattainable brother wasn’t across the hall from me.

  The problem was, now that I was alone in their house, all I really wanted to do was tip toe across the hall and climb into Alec’s bed. I mean it wasn’t that I wanted to do anything, I just hated being alone, and he knew that.

  Just as I was getting brave enough to go knock on his door and beg to sleep on the floor, the thunder rattled the windows. With a yelp I jumped into bed and threw the covers over my head like a little kid.

  I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I knew, something was chasing me. I was running toward Demetri. His face was filled with so much fear, and then I looked behind me and a car was coming around the corner.

  Demetri screamed. I screamed and everything went black.

  “No! No!” I jolted awake.

  “Nat! Nat, wake up, Sweet. Wake up.” Alec tenderly took me into his arms and rocked me gently. “It was just a dream.”

  My hands shook as he tried to pull me to a sitting position in his lap. I buried my head in his chest. His smell was such a comfort to me. I felt stupid for trembling, but I couldn’t help but feel like my dream was somehow prophetic.

  No matter how I looked at it.

  I was going to hurt Demetri.

  “Nat? Talk to me, Nat.” Alec’s voice shook.

  I shivered. “It was so real.”

  “Do you want to talk about it?” He caressed my head, keeping it firmly tucked under his chin.

  “No.” My body convulsed again.

  “Come on.” Alec lifted me into his arms. I noticed his chest was bare as I completely wrapped my arms around his neck. He was warm and comforting. The outline of his tattoos was dark in the moonlight. He brought me into his room and hit the door closed with his foot.

  “What are you doing?” I asked, suddenly fearful that my dream was hitting too close to home. I couldn’t be with Alec. I was with Demetri. I couldn’t hurt him like this.

  “Relax.” Alec placed me on his bed and very carefully pulled back the covers. Exhausted, I snuggled into his pillow, savoring his scent.

  He kissed my forehead and crawled in beside me. “Sleep, Nat.”

  I wanted to sleep. But how does a person sleep when she’s emotionally cheating on her boyfriend with his brother? I shivered again, hating myself almost as much as I hated the nightmare.

  “Come here.” Alec draped an arm around me and tucked me into the curve of his body. My head fit perfectly beneath his chin. His breathing was so calm, so even. How was that possible when my heart was actually ready to take flight? The material of his pajama bottoms tickled my legs. I had stolen a pair of running shorts and a T-shirt from Demetri’s dresser, and again the guilt stabbed me in the heart.

  I wasn’t sure if it was Alec reading my mind or just being really perceptive, but he grunted, “Nat, I’m exhausted and most of all I’m a good guy. Close your eyes, and stop worrying. Demetri would understand.”

  “Okay,” I said in a small voice then my eyes fluttered closed.

  The heat of the sun woke me up. Groggily I moved just slightly trying to stretch, but I couldn’t move.

  My body was pinned beneath Alec’s. Our legs entangled with each other in such an intimate way that I’m sure I was blushing to the roots of my hair. I tried to pull out from underneath him, but if anything his arms tightened around me. Dang his eyelashes were long. Black against tan skin and his constant five o’clock shadow. I didn’t notice before, but there was a small tattoo near the back of his ear that trailed down his neck onto his back. I leaned in closer, trying not to laugh as his lips parted slightly and then his eyebrows furrowed as if he was having a dream.

  He was gorgeous.

  Not yours, Nat. Not your gorgeous, I reminded myself as I pushed up on my elbow and peeked at his tattoo.

  “Stop inspecting me, it’s creepy,” Alec said in a hoarse voice that I found so dead sexy, I was paralyzed. His eyes fluttered open, vibrant green pools of beauty stared back at me. “Did I mention I haven’t slept that good in years?”

  “I’m the best bed partner ever.” I joked trying to nudge him, instead, my nudge made it so I fell back onto the bed rather forcefully. I had forgotten our legs were intertwined. The action made it so that our bodies fell together.

  Alec closed his eyes and cursed. When he opened them again, they were full of steely resolve. Man, this guy was good. Not that I thought I was any kind of prize, but if he truly was trying to keep his hands off, he deserved to be sainted.

  “Nat, we should, um, go for a run.”

  “Okay.”

  Neither of us moved.

  My breathing grew faster as his eyes fell to my lips and then, in a flash, those same green eyes darkened.

  I couldn’t stop him, even if I wanted to.

  His head descended, and I didn’t care that I was alone with him, that Demetri was gone, that this was wrong. I was lost in him, and I never wanted to come back.

  His lips touched mine. I wanted to cry out in frustration when he pulled back. I reached up and tugged his head down.

  With a groan he pinned my hands to the bed and threw his other leg over my body, straddling me with his weight. He tasted so good, so warm. His kiss was so different than Demetri’s, it was the only kiss I could compare it to. Where Demetri was playful, Alec was aggressive. Where Demetri had nipped teasingly, Alec possessed.

  He wrapped his hands around me, pulling me against him as his tongue pushed deeper into my mouth. This was a guy that was experienced, that much was certain. I wrapped my legs tighter around him, making his body one with mine as I gave into the kiss with everything in me. It didn’t matter that it was morning, that I was cheating, that it was so horribly wrong. All I could taste was him, and all I wanted was him.

  He sucked my lower lip, then bit it and with a curse pushed away, his eyes closed as he lifted himself from me and cursed. “I’m sorry, Nat.”

  Every muscle was flexed as he sat on the edge of the bed. His back was ramrod straight, his arms clenching the sheets.

  “Why are you always apologizing after kissing me?” I asked, slowly moving to sit next to him.

  He laughed bitterly. “Because I shouldn’t be kissing you, Nat.”

  “But I thought you liked me.”

  “Liked you?” Alec nearly shouted. I backed up. I didn’t like seeing him mad, he was normally in such control of his emotions that I didn’t know how to respond to him. “I don’t just like you, Nat. But it doesn’t matter.”

  “Why?”

  “He loves you, Nat.”

  “I…” I didn’t know what to say. “I care for Demetri, you know I do.”

  Alec swallowed and looked away, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat as if he was trying to keep from shouting again.

  “I just care about you too.”

  “Damn it! Do you have any idea how screwed up this is, Nat?”

  I nodded, my shoulders slumped. I was so tired of fighting my feelings. So tired of telling myself I had to choose or I would lose them both.

  “It won’t happen again.” He swore. “I promised him it wouldn’t happen again.”

  “What do you mean? Why are you so cryptic?”

  Alec bit his lower lip and then let out a long sigh. “I would lose much more than your friendship if I answered that question, and regardless of my actions around you, I still truly desire to be your friend.”

  “Can you? With this between us?” I was grasping at st
raws. I needed him to admit it wasn’t just me. That I wasn’t going absolutely bat shit crazy.

  He was quiet for a few minutes. It felt like hours when he finally answered, “I have to.”

  “So that’s that?” I said angrily.

  Alec stood and turned to face me. “Yes. End of discussion.”

  I glared but he stood firm. What was with him and his need for control? “Fine, let’s go for a run.”

  “Nat.” He reached out and grabbed my hand. “Please don’t be mad. I don’t think I could handle it if I knew you were mad. I know you don’t get it, but we’re messed up, both of us. My brother and I. You’re the only one that’s been able to bring him out of it. He needs you.”

  “More than you do?” I whispered looking down at the floor.

  Alec cursed. “No.”

  Surprised by his answer my head jolted up.

  “I just know at what cost it would be to have you, and it’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make.”

  Tears threatened to pour down my face at his admission. I nodded, my lower lip quivering. I turned around as quick as I could, warm salty tears poured down my cheeks. I hadn’t expected his second rejection to hurt worse than the first, but it did. Somehow my heart felt like it was ripping in two, and I couldn’t fight the slight tremble in my hands as I wiped the tears away.

  “Don’t cry,” Alec said moving behind me and pulling my body back against his. “I promise this is for the best. He can make you so happy, Nat. He deserves to be happy. You love him, I know you do.”

  I nodded and without looking at him answered, “I love you, too.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  Alec’s arms tensed around me. Had I really just said that out loud? I was embarrassed enough that I was crying. I expected him to recoil from me, to shout, or even curse. Instead his lips grazed my ear. “I love you, too.”

  I shuddered in his arms. He released me. “No more, Nat. We can’t talk about this anymore, okay?”

  I turned around, the stain of tears were still present on my cheeks. I nodded and exhaled. “We should run.”

  He seemed thankful for the subject change, his eyes widened briefly and then he nodded. “Yeah, um… let me just get my stuff on. Want me to meet at your house in about ten minutes?”