Chinglish

by David Hwang

  What come around, go around!

  DANIEL: They say that? In Sri Lanka?

  XI: One day, China will be strong!

  (She grabs her overcoat.)

  DANIEL: Wait. What are you—? “One day”? You’re strong now! We’re the ones who are weak!

  (Pause.)

  XI: What?

  DANIEL: China—strong! America—weak!

  XI: Some day.

  DANIEL: No. Now!

  XI: Now? America weak?

  DANIEL: And China strong!

  (She starts to laugh.)

  Is that a . . . funny laugh or an evil laugh?

  XI: Zhè jiù shì wèi shén me yào chāo guò měi guó zǒng shì nà me kùn nán.

  This is why it’s so difficult to get ahead of America.

  DANIEL: Just—don’t walk out on me, OK?

  XI: Yīn wèi jiù shì qiáng dà de shí hòu,

  Even when you are strong,

  nǐ men yé jiă zhuāng ruăn ruò.

  you still act like you’re weak.

  DANIEL: Can I . . . take your coat?

  (She lets him take her coat.)

  XI: Hăo ba, făn zhèng wó yǐ jīng gòu zāo le.

  Why not? I’m already in deep shit.

  Deal. Now disaster.

  DANIEL: No, no—it doesn’t have to be. We can. Do the job.

  XI: “We”?

  DANIEL: Ohio Signage. My great-grandfather founded it. True. But now, Cleveland. Economy, very bad.

  XI: Yes.

  DANIEL: Actually, it wasn’t just the economy. It was stupid. Stupid.

  Business Decisions. Understand?

  XI: Stupid.

  DANIEL: They tried to go national. So . . . They ran. Company. Into the Ground. Stupid.

  XI: Stupid. You?

  DANIEL: No, no, not me. I didn’t make those decisions.

  XI: Then who?

  DANIEL: My brother.

  XI: Brother hold the bag.

  DANIEL: He ran. The company. He made the stupid decisions.

  XI: So today. Still stupid.

  DANIEL: No, not today. Now, I run company. Brother gone.

  XI: She gone.

  DANIEL: He. Yes. So now, Ohio Signage is poised to—

  XI: Secretary, he also gone? Worker, she also gone? (Points to website) Building, they also gone?

  (Pause.)

  DANIEL: For the moment, yes.

  XI: So. You run company? You run—only you. (She waves her cell phone) Sorry. Daniel. This deal, cannot.

  DANIEL: Why not? We can. Hire workers. Again.

  XI: You—nobody!

  (Pause.)

  Your brother, she run company. Your silent, make run into ground?

  DANIEL: Look, I wasn’t there.

  XI: This cannot sell.

  DANIEL: Lemme make this—! I was. Not at the Company. During, during Stupid Decision Time!

  XI: No? Then, where?

  DANIEL: In Houston. Texas! Working in finance. Banking!

  XI: Yuè shuō yuè bú duì jìn le.

  This just gets worse.

  DANIEL: But now I’m back. And I know. How to run a business. No more Stupid Decision Time!

  XI: Company—already run in ground. Why you are not in the home?

  Why you permit such losing? Why you not return? Your brother, help her during Stupid Decision Time? Why she losing company? Why, you cannot preserve her?

  DANIEL: Him! Him! My brother is a “him”! Christ, are you an idiot?

  (Pause.)

  I’m sorry, I didn’t . . .

  (She heads for the door.)

  I’m broke. My family. No money. I’m so sorry. That I lied to you.

  But I can be better. If I can just get the deal. I can be that good man.

  XI: American, like the children. Your business—picture only. You cannot even save the brother. Good-bye.

  (She crosses to the door.)

  DANIEL: You wanna know why couldn’t I help my brother? Because

  I almost went to jail.

  (Pause.)

  Yeah. Jail. That’s another little detail I forgot to mention. You ever hear of Enron?

  XI: Enron.

  DANIEL: Sure, everyone’s heard of Enron. Even over here.

  XI: Big—scandal?

  DANIEL: Oh, yeah, the biggest. Well, it was back then. I wasn’t one of the top dogs. Thank god. The prosecuters let me go. All I had to do was testify against my former bosses—my ex-friends. That’s why I couldn’t go to Cleveland and save the company! Because I was busy saving my own ass!

  XI: Enron—you?

  DANIEL: Enron me. Wanna see?

  (He pulls up a website on his laptop.)

  There I am. In the fucking Houston Chronicle. I wore better suits back then. But you can still see me. In the back.

  XI: That, you.

  DANIEL: Yup. This would’ve gone over big, huh? If we’d tried to convince the Chinese government to get into bed with an ex-Enron guy? No one at home will touch me! But I thought—maybe if I went all the way to China, steered clear of the big cities—maybe I could pull this off. Take the ruined shell of my family firm. Land a deal. And become someone new. Someplace far away, where hardly anyone can understand a word I’m saying.

  (Pause.)

  If it’d gone another way . . . I could’ve loved you.

  XI: You. Good man, honest man.

  DANIEL: What?

  XI: Now, is possible.

  (The lights fade to black.)

  Act Two

  Scene 9

  The lobby of Daniel’s hotel. Peter paces. He’s on his cell phone.

  PETER (Into his phone): Daniel. It’s Peter. I’m down in your lobby.

  This is my third message. Listen, I still think we can salvage this. Cai’s position in the Party is very weak. The Party Secretary feels he’s been too slow to implement market reforms. They’re looking for any excuse to sack him. Which presents us with . . .

  (The elevator door opens. Xi and Daniel exit together.)

  Fù jú zhăng?

  Vice Minister?

  DANIEL: Oh.

  (Stepping back, Peter takes in Xi and Daniel.)

  PETER: Every now and then, a mystery becomes clear.

  Nǐ men duō jiǔ le?

  How long has this been going on?

  XI (To Daniel): He is making the conclusion.

  DANIEL: Peter, look, it’s over between us.

  PETER: You couldn’t have let me know? About the two of you?

  DANIEL: You don’t know what you’re talking about. Just go.

  (Daniel starts to walk away, then:)

  PETER: I’m your consultant! What happened to all your talk? About

  “honesty.” “If we’re not open, who can be?”

  DANIEL: Oh, get off it! Lecturing me about “honesty”? Mr. “Consultant”? Maybe on, on ancient Ming porcelains or, or dipsy-shit calligraphy. But you don’t know the first thing about business.

  (Pause.)

  Believe it or not, back in the States, we also have to please our bosses! And you know what that requires? Self-control. You don’t always say what’s on your mind. You don’t blurt out to someone who can make or break you—you don’t tell him what he’s doing is stupid. Or illegal. You just go along—with everything you’ve got!

  (Pause.)

  And in China? Hell, I don’t need a “consultant” who, in the middle of the Big Meeting, suddenly suffers a nervous breakdown and starts screaming that my client’s only son is a fucking moron!

  PETER: I had better bloody well receive my commission. In fact,

  I think you owe me a substantial bonus. For keeping my mouth shut.

  DANIEL: I don’t care who you fucking tell.

  PETER (To Xi): Nǐ zài hu de shì ba?

  You care, don’t you?

  Rú guó wǒ gào su qí tā rén?

  If I tell people?

  XI: Gào sù tā men shén me ne?

  Tell them what?

  PETER: Guān yú nǐ g�
�n tā . . .

  That you and he are . . .

  XI: Shén me?

  Yes?

  PETER: Găo shàng le!

  Carrying on an affair!

  XI: Ní zěn me ké yǐ xià zhè yàng de jié lùn?

  How can you draw such a conclusion?

  Cài jú zhăng pài wǒ lái jiàn kă fán nuò xiān sheng, nǐ shì zhī dào de.

  You know Minister Cai has sent me to meet Mr. Cavanaugh.

  Zhè jiù shì nǐ shī bài de yuán yīn.

  This is why you failed to become a consultant.

  Yīn wèi nǐ zhè ge gù wèn de guān diăn, yī diăn dōu bù kě kào.

  Because your perceptions are not so credible.

  PETER: Nà nǐ de zhàng fū huì zěn me xiăng?

  And what would your husband think?

  XI: Nǐ yào xiăng zhī dào wǒ gào sù nǐ ba,

  If you must know,

  wó suǒ zuò de shì wó lăo gōng quán dōu zhī dào,

  my husband is aware of all my business.

  Ér qiě tā yī diăn yì jiàn yě méi yǒu.

  And he’s fine with everything.

  Wait here for car, Mr. Cavanaugh.

  (Pause.)

  PETER: No! No—

  Bié xiăng yī zóu liăo zhī!

  You are not going to get away with this!

  XI: Bǐ dé lăo shī, wǒ men zhī jiān méi yǒu shén me bù kě gào rén de shì.

  We have no secrets, Teacher Peter.

  (A Hotel Manager enters, drawn by the commotion of Peter’s rant.)

  PETER: Nà shì huăng yán!

  That’s a lie!

  Jiù xiàng zhè guó jiā lǐ miàn de suó yóu huăng yán!

  Like all the other lies in this country!

  (Pause.)

  “Do my son this favor, and you can have whatever you want.”

  (He continues:)

  Shén me yǒu zhōng guó tè sè de shè huì zhǔ yì, nà suàn shén me?

  “Socialism with Chinese characteristics.” What does that even mean?

  Hái yǒu nà ge zuì dà de huăng yán!

  And here is the biggest lie of all!

  Zhōng guó shì shè huì zhǔ yì guó jiā, dăng shì wèi rén mín fú wù?

  China is a socialist state, run for the benefit of the people?

  Quán shì gǒu pì!

  What a load of crap!

  Nà xiē gàn bù dōu shì zuì fàn, yīng gāi bă tā men quán dōu lā qù zuò láo!

  Party officials are criminals, who should all be in jail!

  XI: Bǐ dé lăo shī! Bú yào zài shuō le!

  Teacher Peter! Stop now!

  (Xi, Peter and Daniel see the Hotel Manager, who snaps a photo of Peter on her cell phone, then exits.)

  Shī péi le.

  I’m very sorry.

  (Xi exits.)

  DANIEL: I’m not sure what just happened there, but I don’t think it went well for you.

  PETER: She was just a hotel manager, she’s not going to tell anyone.

  DANIEL: What did you say?

  PETER: I wasn’t too loud, was I?

  DANIEL: What did you // say?

  PETER: Stupid! What is wrong with me? There’s a certain tolerance here for unhinged foreigners, but will anybody hire one? I should never have tried to do this.

  DANIEL: Do what?

  PETER: Pass myself off as a—a consultant. Which I’m not. I’m sorry.

  DANIEL: We all do what we have to.

  PETER: That’s exactly it! Back in the old days, a Westerner who could speak Chinese like a native—employers fought to give me jobs. And the women? I could walk down any street—they’d point and giggle—whispering how tall I was.

  DANIEL: Really? ’Cause I gotta say, the people here aren’t as short // as I—

  PETER: I know, I’m not so tall any longer! But back then, I was.

  (Pause.)

  Today, in the major cities—foreigners are everywhere. Speaking good Chinese. But they’re architects and accountants and financial analysts and . . .

  DANIEL: Did you ever think maybe . . . it’s time for you to go home?

  PETER: England? I’ve tried that, too. For a year, back in Leicester.

  But—no. Beyond learning to get by without someone to do my cooking, cleaning, washing—I felt this overwhelming sense of loss. I’d try explaining to people about all I’d learned over here. But they’d just look at me with these blank stares—as if I was speaking another language.

  (A Driver enters.)

  DRIVER: Car?

  (He hands Daniel his card, then exits.)

  DANIEL: Peter, I wish you well.

  (They shake hands.)

  Look, I know how it feels to twist yourself into a pretzel just ’cause you wanna make a deal. But lately, I’ve started thinking: Maybe I can just be myself. Be honest.

  PETER: You’ve started thinking that—in China?

  DANIEL: Yeah. Crazy huh?

  (Daniel exits.)

  Scene 10

  A conference room. Seated at one table are Judge Geming, male, forty to fifty, and Prosecutor Li, female, thirties.

  Xi sits across from them at another table, beside Daniel, who is standing, addressing the group. His remarks are interpreted by a new translator, Zhao, female.

  DANIEL: We are a family-run firm, started in 1925.

  ZHAO: Tā de gōng sī zài yī jiǔ èr wǔ nián chéng lì,

  His company began in 1925.

  Ér tā de jiā rén xǐ huān yī qí păo bù.

  And his family enjoys running together.

  XI: Kă fán nuò xiān sheng lái zì kè lǐ fū lán,

  Mr. Cavanaugh is from Cleveland.

  Shì zài měi guó zhōng xī bù de yí gè chéng shì,

  A city in America’s “Midwest.”

  Bú tài zhù míng, bú xiàng niǔ yuē huò zhě luò shān jī.

  Not famous, like New York or Los Angeles.

  GEMING: Wǒ men guì yáng yě bú shì shén me yǒu míng de chéng shì,

  Here in Guiyang, we are also not famous.

  Bú xiàng zhù míng de běi jīng huò shàng hăi.

  Not like the elites of Beijing or Shanghai.

  ZHAO: Here in Guiyang, we despise the coastal elites.

  DANIEL: You’re Midwesterners!

  XI: Tā shuō wǒ men quán shì nèi dì rén.

  He says, we are all “Midwesterners.”

  (They laugh.)

  ZHAO: They laugh.

  XI: É hài é zhōu zhāo pái shè jì gōng sī céng jīng hěn chū sè,

  Ohio Signage was once a great company,

  dàn bú xìng zài měi guó zuì jìn de jīng jì zāi nàn zhōng chéng wéi shòu hài zhě.

  which has recently fallen victim to America’s economic disaster.

  GEMING: Shì de, duì yú guì guó de jù é zhài wù, wǒ men fēi cháng tóng qíng.

  Yes, we sympathize with your massive debt.

  ZHAO: The Magistrate knows all about the recent collapse of America.

  LI: Kě zhè gēn tā men shì fóu yǒu zī gé wèi wén huà zhōng xīn zuò zhǐ shì pái yǒu shén me guān xi?

  But why should this qualify them to make signs for the Cultural Center?

  ZHAO: Mrs. Li questions your company’s qualifications.

  (Li’s cell phone rings. She answers it.)

  LI: Bù, páng xiè!

  No, crab!

  Wǒ shuō wǒ yào páng xiè!

  I said, I want crab!

  Bú shì! Shì páng xiè!

  No! Crab!

  (She hangs up. To Daniel:)

  Jì xù ba.

  Go on.

  ZHAO: Keep going.

  DANIEL: I recently assumed control of Ohio Signage and now direct all its operations.

  ZHAO: Xiàn zài é hài é zhōu zhāo pái shè jì gōng sī yóu kă fán nuò xiān sheng kòng zhì—

  Mr. Cavanaugh now controls Ohio Signage and—

  I am sorry.
“Direct”—what?

  DANIEL: All our operations.

  ZHAO: Ah, thank you.

  (To the group:)

  Ér tā yě shì gè wài kē yī shēng.

  And he is also a surgeon.

  XI: Bù, bù! Kă fán nuò xiān sheng bú shì yī shēng!

  No, no! Mr. Cavanaugh is not a doctor!

  ZHAO: Duì bu qǐ.

  Apologies.

  XI: Tā shì gè bèi shòu jìng zhòng de shāng rén,

  He is a respected businessman,

  Xiàn zài gōng sī yóu tā guán lǐ.

  now running the firm.

  LI: Wǒ men wèi shén me yào xiāng xìn tā?

  Why should we put our faith in him?

  ZHAO: She doubts your personal integrity.

  XI (To Daniel): Honest man.

  DANIEL: I came to Ohio Signage after six years working in senior management . . . at a company called Enron.

  ZHAO: Really?

  XI: Fān yì yā!

  Just translate!

  ZHAO: Kă fán nuò xiān sheng céng jīng zài ān rán dān rèn gāo jí xíng zhèng!

  Mr. Cavanaugh used to be an executive at Enron!

  LI: Zhēn de? Ān rán?

  Really? Enron?

  GEMING: Shì wǒ men bào shàng kàn de nà ge ān rán ma?

  The same Enron we read about in the papers?

  XI: Shì! Yuán lái tā shì cè huà nà zōng shì jiè chǒu wén de shóu năo zhī yī!

  Yes! He is among the masterminds of that world-famous scandal!

  (Li’s phone rings. She answers it.)

  LI (Into phone): Bié shuō le! Wǒ zài máng ne!

  Shut up! I’m busy!

  (She hangs up.)

  Tā shì guān jiàn rén wù ma? Wèn tā!

  Was he a major player? Ask him!