by Croix, J. H.
“No. That’s my interpretation. Like I mentioned the other night, Addie overheard what I said to Marla.”
“What the hell did you say?” Graham countered with a pointed look.
“I told Marla I wasn’t interested in romance or marriage. Hearing it now, I realized how bad it could’ve sounded to Addie.”
Graham shook his head slowly. “Yeah, not a great thing for her to overhear. I like Addie. I actually thought she would be good for you.”
“She is. I just have to convince her I’m good for her.”
“You’ve never failed at something you set your mind to. I think this time you’re going to have to take a different approach.”
Dear Clueless in New York City,
My advice to you is simple. If you want this woman, fight for her. Don’t be an idiot and hope she can read between the lines. Be direct, be honest, and lay your cards on the table.
I sense you’re not a man accustomed to being vulnerable. The only way to win her heart is to open yours. This is not a business deal. You can’t do a pros and cons list and assess a balance sheet. You’re going to have to take a risk and see what happens. I wish you all the best and lots of luck.
Ida
p.s. Be a fool in love.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Addie
Barnable’s body started vibrating as he wagged all over and bounced lightly on his front feet. I knew without even looking ahead that Ryan was approaching us. My hairs stood up like tiny antennas all over my body turning to face him.
My heart was achy, and I’d been irritable over the last week or more while I ignored his texts and phone calls. I needed to be a more modern girl and appreciate the incredible orgasms I’d never forget from our interludes. Instead, my emotions were swamping me, and I missed him so much it was a physical pain.
Barnable even let out a little yelp of excitement. I finally looked ahead to see Ryan was only about ten feet away on the sidewalk. I tightened my grip on Barnable’s leash. I wanted to tell myself that was because I needed to make sure I had a firm grip, but that would’ve been a big fat lie. Barnable’s leash was my anchor in the maelstrom of emotion spinning through me.
I pasted a polite smile on my face and ignored the way my pulse took off when Ryan stopped in front of me. Why did he have to go and be so damn handsome? His cheeks were ruddy from the cold winter day. As usual, since it was a workday, Ryan wore a suit. He had an overcoat that wasn’t even buttoned over it. I could see the way everything caressed the muscled planes of his body like an appreciative lover. It wouldn’t surprise me to learn Ryan had his suits tailored. Considering that I’d grown up sewing, I was confident his tailor would appreciate just how amazing a suit could look on Ryan. There were tricks you could do with fabric, but nothing could do better than a natural form such as Ryan’s.
He was a sculptor’s dream. I silently swatted this train of thought away as heat bloomed from my core outward. I had a vivid recollection of the feel of his body as he came down over me.
Dead last on the list of things I should be thinking about right now was the way it felt to have Ryan stretch my channel. I definitely didn’t need to experience the pleasure pinging through my body at nothing more than a memory.
Ryan’s eyes searched my face. He didn’t speak at first, yet my heart felt as if his eyes communicated pain and uncertainty. I wanted to reach out and hug him and tell him it would all be okay. Yet, I needed not to be foolish.
Barnable yelped again, and Ryan tore his eyes from mine to lean over and greet him. “Hey, buddy.” The low, melodic sound of his voice stung the raw surface of my heart.
As soon as he straightened, he said, “Addie, please talk to me.”
A man’s elbow hit me abruptly as he walked by, and Ryan stepped closer, sheltering me with his arm. I wanted to lean into him, and tears stung at the backs of my eyes.
“Just have dinner with me,” he urged.
Another body bumped into me, and Ryan swore. “Fuck. No one slows down.”
“Well, we are standing on the sidewalk in downtown Manhattan, and it’s around lunchtime,” I said, managing a wry smile.
“Please, Addie.”
The urge to say “yes” nearly overwhelmed me, but I pushed back against it. I shook my head quickly. “I can’t. I have to go.”
I didn’t wait for Ryan’s reply, and I felt like a coward as I hurried past him, almost yanking poor Barnable along with me. Barnable caught up quickly, shifting from a walk to his bouncy jog. I did actually have somewhere to be. I was meeting Soraya for coffee and tea.
I was relieved I didn’t have too far to walk. After I dropped Barnable off at home, I was still feeling rattled when I hurried into the coffee shop where I was meeting Soraya. My heart was thumping erratically, and my breath was still shallow.
Soraya glanced up, a smile stretching across her face when I stopped beside the table where she was waiting. “Hey, you made it.”
“Of course. Should I get in line, or do they check on tables here?” I asked, noticing she already had a mug in front of her.
Soraya closed her laptop and gestured at the chair across from her. “They’ll stop by the table.”
I slipped into the chair and shrugged my jacket off my shoulders as I looked around the café. It had a cozy feel to it with small, circular tables scattered through the space, a wide wooden counter that ran the length of the back wall with a display case of bakery items and whatnot, and a large chalkboard with a menu of drinks and food above.
“Have you had lunch yet?” Soraya asked.
I shook my head. The truth was I hadn’t had much of an appetite lately. I was so off-kilter with this whole Ryan thing. For the most part in life, I knew who I was and didn’t care to try to fit any mold. I didn’t worry about fitting in and so on. But I’d have happily bargained with the devil to be more casual about men and relationships. I’d never done the whole casual sex thing easily. While I was no innocent, I had to guard against falling hard and fast. The tricky thing about trust issues is the very people who have trouble with trust often desperately want to be proven wrong. That was me, always wishing for more despite my deeply ingrained cynicism about love. As a result, I’d skirted away from dating ever since a brief college relationship had taught me some brutal lessons. There was that, and my promise to myself to never be like my mother.
Yet, I couldn’t stop thinking about Ryan after only two nights with him. Ugh. Even though he was persistent in asking me to talk, I seriously doubted he was obsessing over me the way I was over him. I wanted to be a modern girl who could handle something casual and who could take the orgasms for the awesome thing they were and carry on.
I hadn’t realized I’d let my mind wander onto the track of Ryan in my brain until Soraya spoke. “Addie? Are you okay?”
“Oh! Sorry. Just zoned out. I’m fine, and I should probably eat something.”
Just then, a waitress with her hair in two braids stopped by, casting a sunny smile between us. “Anything to drink?”
“Coffee, please. Dark and no cream,” I said.
Soraya handed me a small menu. “Order some food.”
While Soraya ordered a sandwich, I quickly scanned the menu. “I’ll take the cream of broccoli soup with the fresh bread,” I said when the waitress looked toward me again.
“Got it. Be back in a few with your coffee.” She hurried off, her braids swinging as she walked away.
Moments later, I took a few sips of my coffee, savoring the warmth after coming in from the blustery cold day. “Oh, this is good,” I commented.
Soraya sighed. “I know. They have the best coffee here.”
“Aren’t you having some?”
Soraya flushed slightly before shaking her head. “It’s tea for me.” She paused before adding, “I’m pregnant. We’re only now telling people because I’m past the first trimester.”
“Oh wow! Congratulations! That’s wonderful news.”
Soraya nodded. “We’re pretty
excited. While I miss coffee, I’m eating like a crazy person.” She paused, eyeing me for a moment. “Now, tell me what’s wrong.”
I sputtered on my sip of coffee and reached for a napkin to dab at my mouth. Soraya waited patiently.
“What do you mean?” I finally asked.
“I know we haven’t known each other too long, but when I saw you come in, you looked like you were about to cry.”
Her simple observation elicited a rush of emotion. My heart squeezed, and tears wicked up through the tightness. I took another swallow of coffee and a deep breath. Although I didn’t know Soraya all that well, I trusted her, and I really could use someone to talk to.
With her warm gaze regarding me, the full tale of my fling with Ryan came tumbling out. “You can see where I messed up. I let myself get hopeful when that was a dumb idea. Honestly, I didn’t even let myself get hopeful, it’s just that I know I was at risk of being stupid. So, I got smart. Ryan isn’t making it easy to move on. I saw him on my walk over, and that’s what made me almost cry,” I finished.
Soraya’s gaze was considering as she took a slow sip of her tea. Cocking her head to the side, she said, “Not many people know Ryan very well.”
“I can see that,” I said slowly, not sure where she was going with this.
“He takes a business approach to dating.” She shook her head slightly and pursed her lips. “If there is such a thing.”
“I think there is, but I don’t do business dating. My father was an asshole. He was a lot like Ryan. I’m not saying Ryan’s an asshole. But my father was wealthy. He had a fling with my mother. Unfortunately for all of us, she got pregnant.”
Soraya gave me a pointed look. “It is most certainly not unfortunate. The world is lucky to have you.”
I smiled. “I didn’t mean it like that. I’m blessed. My mother’s a wonderful woman, and her whole family is amazing. But my father was never around. He never wanted anything more than a fling. She pined after him for years and so did I. I promised myself I would never do that. Not to myself.”
Our food arrived. After we had started eating, Soraya looked over again. “That’s heartbreaking, but that doesn’t mean that’s what will happen. Ryan might be wealthy, but he’s not an asshole. Until you, I would’ve said he didn’t want anything serious. He’s secretly a softie. Hardly anyone knows how close he and his brother were. You know he’s on the board of that animal shelter program, right?”
At my nod, Soraya continued, “Do you know how he ended up on the board?” She didn’t wait for my reply. “His brother was on the board before he died. Ryan is on that board because he’s purely sentimental. He loved his brother, and they both loved dogs. I’m not going to pretend I’m best friends with Ryan. I only know him through his friendship with Graham. They grew apart during college, then life got in the way, but he’s one of the few people Graham totally trusts. I won’t get off on a long tangent, but Graham has his own baggage when it comes to friends. It’s a big deal for Graham to trust someone. Ryan has an easy out if you don’t matter to him. You gave it to him. My guess is you really mean something to him. Plus, it’s obvious he means something to you. If you could see your face when you talk about him, you’d know what I mean.”
My heart gave an achy thump, and I wanted to cry again, but I was not going to cry over Ryan in a coffee shop. I took a sip of coffee and breathed my way through it.
Soraya let the topic of Ryan drop after that. By the time we were leaving, she’d determined it was best for her to make a personal introduction to the tattoo artist she’d recommended for me.
“Here we are,” Soraya said, gesturing to a sign ahead, Tig’s Tattoo and Piercing.
She tugged me inside. A man looked up from where he was seated on a stool. The man stood, a quick smile flashing across his face when he saw Soraya. “Hey, what brings you here?”
Soraya looked from me to him and back with a smile. “This is my friend, Adelaide. Isn’t her name beautiful?”
The man inclined his head with a nod. “I’m Tig. Nice to meet you.” His gaze returned to Soraya. “Of course, her name is beautiful.”
“Just call me Addie,” I added.
“Addie needs a tattoo repaired,” Soraya explained. “I told her you were the best, and you’re my friend, so you better do it right.”
Tig rolled his eyes. “I think it’s Addie’s decision.” His eyes shifted to me.
“If Soraya trusts you, then I do too.”
“Okay, let’s take a look.”
I shrugged out of my down jacket, which Soraya promptly took from me and folded over her elbow. “Right here,” I said turning my hand to the side so he could see the scars. The pink had started to fade.
“I see. Went right through that vine. How’d you hurt yourself?” he asked as I lowered my arm.
“She was trying to break into Ryan Blake’s basement,” Soraya said, unable to keep from laughing.
Tig’s brows hitched up. “Breaking and entering. That’s a story.”
“I’m not a criminal,” I said with a sigh. “My dog got into his basement. Apparently, through his neighbor’s broken basement door, not his. I heard my dog barking.”
Tig chuckled. “Those scars are pretty fresh, so we’ll need to wait until the area is completely healed. When the pink fades, it’ll be ready. In the meantime, think about what you want done. I can just fill in where the vine is broken, or we could add a flower to match what you already have.”
“What kind of flowers are those anyway?” Soraya asked.
“Jasmine flowers. My favorite.”
“What do they mean?” she asked next.
“They’re often associated with love,” I explained.
Soraya’s brows hitched up. “Oh, well, isn’t that interesting?”
I wasn’t ready to wonder why she made that comment, so I looked back at Tig. “Do I need to call to schedule?”
“Unless you decide on something big, I can fit you in. Soraya can give you my number. Just call the day before you want to stop by.”
Moments later, Soraya and I were back out on the sidewalk. She cast me a satisfied smile. “Tig will take care of you, and it’ll look great. Unless you want to keep the scar as a souvenir,” she teased.
Glancing over, I rolled my eyes. “The scars will be a souvenir no matter what because I only want to fix the part where the vine’s broken.”
“So, are you going to give Ryan a chance?” Her gaze sobered as she asked me. Much as she tended to be outspoken, I sensed she sincerely cared about how things went for Ryan and me.
I took a breath and let it out. “I don’t know. I’m pretty sure the whole concept of opposites attract isn’t going to be that helpful for us.”
Soraya stopped on the sidewalk at a red light as the hum of traffic carried on around us with its background cacophony. “Ryan can seem like an uptight asshole. Trust me, I’ve seen how he operates. But he likes you. Like he really likes you.”
“But how do you know? Has Graham mentioned something to you?”
Soraya chuckled. “Not particularly. He did say after we met you at the charity ball that it was obvious Ryan really liked you, but for me, it’s just a gut feeling. Ryan is prone to being sarcastic, and he can be a total dick. It’s a miracle he didn’t call the police on you that night he found you. That pretty much said it all for me.”
I rubbed the edge of my sleeve with my thumb and finger, the silky outer surface of my down jacket slippery under my fingertips. “Well, we’ll see.”
Soraya narrowed her eyes. “That’s all I get?”
“I don’t know. Just because you’re madly in love and overwhelmed with pregnancy hormones doesn’t mean the rest of us are.”
Soraya rolled her eyes and nudged me with her elbow. “I think my pregnancy hormones might be onto something.”
The following day, I stopped by to visit Trixie, and ended up spilling the whole story about Ryan all over again. Because, yeah, my heart just wouldn’t shut up. I was al
so way too curious to know more about Ryan, to piece together the puzzle of his heart.
“What happened to his brother?” I asked, wanting more than the sketch of details I had.
“Colin was diagnosed with Ewing’s sarcoma. The family had the best health insurance money could buy, but it didn’t matter. He died five years ago when he was twenty-eight. He was only a year older than Ryan.” Trixie closed her eyes for a moment. Her expression was pained when she opened them again. “Men don’t show emotion often. I knew Colin from our work on the board together, so I went to the funeral. Ryan was utterly devastated. He didn’t shed a tear in public, but his grief was plain to see. Things only got worse between Ryan and his father after that. Colin had served as a buffer between the two of them. After he died, they stopped talking.”
“That’s so sad,” I breathed.
“It is. Life can be sad and unfair. But you carry on anyway. Don’t let yourself be fooled about Ryan. If my hunch is right, you’ve won the best of him.”
My whopping total of two new friends appeared to be in agreement on the subject of Ryan.
Trixie gave me a long look as I stood from her kitchen table to leave. “I only have one more thing to say.”
“What’s that?” I asked.
“When you get old like me, there are a few lessons you learn very well. The more regrets you have, the more time you have to think about those regrets when you grow older. Try to keep the balance in your bank of regret low. Because it’s money you can never spend.”
Chapter Thirty-Three
Addie
The following day, I headed to the appliance store again, this time to select my new oven. Everything Trixie said yesterday about Ryan kept spinning through my mind. I wanted to talk to him, but I needed to gather my thoughts into something sensible first.
Trixie’s comments about regret had also pierced me. If her hunch about Ryan and me was right, I might regret not giving him a chance for the rest of my life.