“I’ll keep that in mind when I go see them later.”
“Good.” Aunt Cassie nodded distractedly. She looked me up and down. “Your grandpa told me what happened with you two the other day.”
“Oh, yeah? He tell you that he’s sick?”
Her face fell. “Yes. But he’s doing much better with his new prognosis.”
“What’s wrong with him?”
She smiled sadly. “Not gonna work. He told me he’s refused to tell you. I’ve been sworn to secrecy.”
I scowled. “You don’t think that’s totally unfair?”
“Maybe.” She shrugged. “But it doesn’t really matter in the scheme of things. Worrying about it won’t change it.”
“No, but perhaps I could research and find a better treatment. I could ask around. Get a second opinion—”
“Stop.” She swiped her forehead with the back of her hand. “He’s had enough opinions, Jacob. He’s very much like Ren in this matter and only willing to accept help so long as it doesn’t interfere with his life with us. Don’t get obsessed with fixing him.”
What could I say to that?
They acted as if it was so wrong to try to fight sickness.
I didn’t understand it at all.
Looking away, I scanned the fields, searching for someone else who was missing.
Not only was my mother MIA but Hope, too.
Her disappearance made me dark with unease.
“Anyway, see ya round.” I gave Aunt Cassie a nod, repositioned my cowboy hat on my head, and strode off in the direction of my mother’s house.
Normally, Hope would be jumping at my heels like an eager puppy ready to work.
She hadn’t gone this long without making my life a living hell, and as much as I didn’t want to face her after yet another violent kiss, I’d been raised better than that. I couldn’t let my manners fail by not giving an apology and clearing the air.
She was right. I’d attacked her. That kiss was entirely my fault.
I had to make it right.
The second I’d given Mom her gifts, I’d stalk Hope for a change and tell her to get over it. What happened to friends and forgiveness? The weeks’ chores were long, and I’d grown used to her help, goddammit.
Opening the gate that led toward the smaller paddocks, I scowled at the grass. Already, it’d sprouted to shin height even from our harvest last month. Soon, it would require another cut, not waiting for anyone to have a personal crisis or relationship complication.
See, this is why I’m better off alone.
I didn’t do well reading into people’s actions. I overthought. I wasn’t equipped.
A whinny sounded, dragging my attention upward. At least luck had delivered one person I was looking for.
Mom patted the nose of a skinny palomino with sores on her hips and spine. Her ribcage looked as if it’d morphed from her flesh to be bone-white and visible in the daylight.
My heart clenched at the malnutrition. At the way the horse hung there in its halter, so used to being tied and accepting a hopeless situation. A bucket of food waited by her head, untouched as if she’d forgotten how to eat.
Aunt Cassie was right.
People were jackasses to do that to a creature.
I hope they rot in hell.
Mom noticed me crossing the meadow as she left the head of the barely alive palomino and skirted around the back of a blue roan with slightly more meat on his bones but a gnarly scar along his belly as if someone had tried to disembowel him and never stitched him together again.
I waved in greeting, a flush of love finding its way through my broken heart. Grateful that Mom was so caring to donate her money and time to these lost causes. They might not survive, but at least they’d have the best care, food, and attention. They’d know they were loved before their end came.
Mom smiled, raising her hand in return.
And that was when it happened.
An ending.
Time slowed as if it wanted me to know the exact sequence of events. To be sure I had crystal clarity to replay the horror over and over again for years to come.
It was my fault.
All my fucking fault.
I should never have waved.
Mom’s arm came up. Her smile widened. Her love for me as bright as the golden sun.
And the blue roan saw her as a threat.
He saw a raised hand. Tasted more punishment, more pain, more torture.
He wasn’t as broken as the palomino. He still had fight. Self-preservation.
So…he did what was natural.
He tried to protect himself.
His rump shot up, his hind legs gathered, and he double barrelled my mother in the chest.
“Shit!” I was running before she hit the ground.
The blue roan reared, his head tossing as he fought the rope tying him in place. The halter snapped as well as his mind. There was only panic left. He screamed and shot backward, his hooves landing on my mother’s stomach.
She cried out as the heavy animal sank into soft flesh before he spied freedom and took off at a mad gallop, lead rope and broken halter dangling after him.
He would run into a fence and break his legs.
He would die by his own force or mine for what he’d done.
Breath caught in my throat as I skidded to a stop and kneeled beside the only blood family I had left. “It’s okay. I’ve got you.”
The bag full of Dad’s gifts scattered as I tossed it to the side. Blue wrapped packages rolled into the grass, little dots of sky amongst green. They were utterly unimportant as I touched her face and assessed the damage.
My fingers itched to grab my phone from my back pocket, but Mom clutched my hand, her grip sweaty and tight. “Jacob—” Her spine bowed as pain shock-waved through her.
Blood oozed from her mouth, making my heart shut down. “Don’t talk. It’s all right.”
I shouldn’t move her. She could have a broken back or worse.
But she writhed in the dirt. Her blonde hair turned dusty, her blue ribbon falling from the golden strands as if it already tasted death was near.
Traitor.
I scooped up the ribbon as well as my mother and held her close. “It’s all right. Just try not to move.”
With one arm supporting her, I pulled my hand free from hers and dove into my pocket for my phone.
“Jacob—” She groaned, more blood pooling over her lips.
“Hush. It’s fine.” Adrenaline injected trembles into my veins, making it impossible to punch the numbers for an ambulance.
“Something isn’t…right.” Mom panted. “It-it hurts.”
“I’ll fix it. I promise.” Brushing back her dirty hair, I almost passed out as a female operator barked down the phone.
“Fire, police, or ambulance?”
“Ambulance.”
“One moment, please.”
Mom squirmed, her legs kicking as she tried to hide from the pain. Goddammit, I’d do anything I could to help her. I’d trade places with her. I’d—
“Ambulance. What’s the address?”
My voice caught as I commanded, “Cherry River. Cassie Collins will show you the field. A horse kicked my mother in her chest. It’s serious. Get here. Now.”
Mom moaned as I disconnected the call, doing my best to stay calm and collected but swiftly losing the battle to the quaking stampede of terror.
“Wild One.” Her face scrunched up as a cough bubbled blood. Not red like before, but pink tinged and frothy.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
“Don’t talk. Don’t move. Don’t do a damn thing until the ambulance gets here.”
She cried out again, tears leaking from her eyes as she clawed at her chest. “Can’t…breathe.”
“What can I do?” What a stupid question. What an idiotic, inconceivable question. Resting her head on my lap, I dared drag my hand down her chest. Her cream shirt had pearl buttons in the shap
e of sunbursts, and I didn’t have time to undo them.
With a quick rip, I pulled her shirt apart, revealing black bra and bruises.
So many goddamn bruises.
There were two almost perfect hoof prints directly above her breasts and two more trampling her upper stomach.
Tears burned my eyes. But it wasn’t from the wounds given by a condemned horse.
I cried because of the oozing, spreading blood creeping beneath her skin.
I shuddered because of the white tip of bone sticking from her side.
I wanted to scream because of the rattle and wheeze that I knew so, so well from a father who’d struggled to breathe and suffocated his way into death.
The horse had punctured her lung.
And the gathering blood from other internal injuries added pressure and agony, slowly killing her.
“Fuck.” I gathered her close, rocking, hating that my caustic tears splashed on her broken body but unable to stop them.
I should be braver. I should pick her up and carry her to the house. I should run into town and drive the fucking ambulance myself.
But I didn’t do any of it.
Because I knew it was already too late.
Mom’s blue gaze met mine, locking onto me in a way that blocked out the rest of the world. It shut down time, location, and life itself, sucking us into a bubble where nothing else existed but us.
There.
Right now.
Just like Grandpa wanted.
“Don’t…cry.” She sucked in a useless breath, pink bubbly blood painting her lips. “Please…please don’t cry.”
I nodded, biting my lip and hugging her closer. “I won’t.”
“Don’t…miss me.”
I convulsed. She wasn’t just comforting me. She was saying goodbye.
Shaking my head, I rubbed at her cheek where a tear escaped her. “I won’t have to miss you because you’re not going anywhere.”
Her smile turned into a bloody grimace. For a second, all she could do was focus on breathing. Her abdomen steadily turning crimson-black from spreading trauma.
“Promise me…Wild…One.”
I couldn’t reply. Words clutched brutal, bruising fingers around my throat, preventing me from speaking. Preventing me from curses. Preventing me from pleading for this to be a joke.
Why the fuck did I wave?
Why hadn’t she been more careful?
She knew how unpredictable rescue horses were.
She knew better.
Rage heated me. I wanted to scold her. Shake her.
But her breathless pant made me squeeze my eyes so I wouldn’t have to look death in the face as it took my mother away from me.
Anything but this.
Anything.
Please, God, anything.
“Jacob…” Mom’s eyes glowed blue with fierceness even as they glossed with tears. “I need you…to promise me…something.”
“Just rest. Help is on the way.”
She sighed with a blood-bubbly cough. “I’ll rest…soon. First…promise me.”
My chest cracked in two. My ribs wanted to puncture my lung in her place. My heart wanted to sacrifice itself so she could live.
I shook my head, not strong enough to have a last conversation with my mother. But her body seized, and her eyes closed, and I hated myself to the pits of Hades.
I was making this harder for her. She wanted me to promise something.
I’d made a promise to a dying father.
Now, I’d make one to a dying mother.
That was my only purpose.
To be the good son—the son who loved his parents even if it killed him.
Hope had tried to make me accept this. To accept that death was a part of life and it was only by accepting that I could be free.
She was wrong.
This could’ve been prevented.
This was my fault.
I’d murdered my mother, and now, I had the punishment of watching her fade away in my arms.
Joy was a myth.
Grief was my reality.
“Okay, Mom.” Sitting taller, I swiped at my tears and swallowed back my rage. She needed me to do this for her. It would aid in her goodbye.
“Anything.” I forced with gruff bite. “Whatever it is. I’ll do it.”
Regrets. Wishes. Pain.
All of it squashed my heart, suffocating me, taking me in her place.
She smiled, relieved. I was the ever-frustrating son, driving her mad until her dying day. “You are…so like… him. Sometimes too…like him.”
For once, I didn’t want to talk about my father. “Stop. Just breathe. Hold on.”
She shook her head. “I’m…leaving…Jacob.”
“No.”
“Yes.” Her fingers wrapped into fists on her belly, another wash of agony enveloping her. The sight of her bone puncturing her side seared my brain with nightmares.
I would always see that.
I would forever remember her this way and not the years of togetherness we’d shared.
I hated that.
I cursed that.
I wanted to pretend this wasn’t happening and run.
“You…have a…wanderer’s heart. Listen to…it.”
“I don’t need to wander to know I’m happy here.”
“Your promise…kept you…here.” She soared off my lap again, trying to curl into a ball around her pain.
I soothed her, cradling her close, not caring blood stained my jeans and T-shirt. Not noticing her tears and life force painted my fingers.
I didn’t need to ask what promise.
She’d known all along what I’d vowed to Dad.
And I’d made her feel awful instead of protecting her.
I’d grown short-tempered when she wanted to spend time with me. I’d argued with her over trivial things. I hadn’t let her touch or hug me. I’d held my love hostage and didn’t look after her the way Dad would’ve wanted.
Fuck.
I’d give anything to be back in the greenhouse yesterday. Safe and breathing clear. Appreciating every moment I had with her.
Tears swam in my eyes, turning me blind. “I’m so, so sorry. I should’ve been better. I’m sorry I—”
“Never…be sorry.” Her fingers sought mine, squeezing in a sudden burst of strength. “Go wander.” She inhaled as deep as she could. “Take Hope…explore, visit, learn…but don’t just be…like Ren and travel…the forests. Travel the oceans. Cross…the seas. Find…peace.”
I sniffed back sorrow. “Peace is here.”
“No.” She kissed the back of my hand. “Torment…is.”
My head bowed, praying to her.
I hated that she was right.
I hated that she knew me.
I hated that after today, I’d have no choice but to leave.
I would never be able to look at this land again without remembering the parents it had buried. Never be able to take in a rescue without wanting to kill it for what it had killed in return.
If I stayed, the final pieces of me would perish.
My sanity would slip into madness.
I would be nothing but hate and heartbreak.
A morbid laugh fell with torn tears. “He asked me to stay. Yet you ask me to leave.”
She smiled with blood-tainted teeth. “We ask…only what you’re…capable of.”
“I’m not capable of anything.”
“Yes…you are.” She gasped, her mouth wide and anguish bright. “You’re capable…of love. You just…need to trust…”
I didn’t want to argue.
Not now.
My entire body convulsed as I swallowed despair-riddled fury and vowed upon her soul. “I’ll leave, Mom. You have my word. I’ll travel the world. I’ll chase the seas. I’ll explore it all…for you.”
She nodded, accepting my pledge. “Take…Hope. She’ll be there…for you…now that I can’t.”
No.
From this day for
ward, I am alone.
Single.
Solitary.
Slain.
But her blue eyes implored me, and I told a lie to comfort her. “Okay. I’ll take her.” I didn’t think of the costs of lying to a dying parent. I didn’t care I’d just sold my soul to purgatory.
“Good.” Her eyes burned into mine, waiting for the eternal goodbye.
I gritted my teeth, knowing what she wanted. My throat closed up. Tears burned. And it took every power inside me to whisper, “Fine.”
Fine, I love you.
Fine.
Fuck, none of this is fine.
She smiled, teeth no longer porcelain and lips sketched in red. “I…love you…Jacob.” Her breath turned louder, wetter, thicker.
My heart pumped louder, wetter, thicker.
Tears lodged in my throat as I nodded. “I know.”
“I…don’t…have…to wait…anymore.” Her skin lost the colour of living, slipping into blue as her lungs filled with blood. “I’ll…find…him…now.”
“Okay, Mom.” My voice was muddied with suffering. “Go find him.”
Her eyes turned hazy, looking at me but not really.
Already seeing through the veil that separated us from them.
Alive from dead.
I hoped for her sake, Dad was waiting.
I begged with all my being that the second her life ended in my arms, she’d awaken in a new one in his.
It didn’t matter if I didn’t believe in it.
I just wanted it to be true so she wouldn’t just un-exist. That she’d be out there…with Dad, watching me screw up again and again, pitying me until my own dying day.
I rocked her, hugging her in ways I’d never been able to do before.
Her body didn’t feel right.
It felt cold and lifeless and…empty.
“God—”
The sounds of an ambulance screeched through the air, the squeal of tyres on gravel hinting they tore down the driveway. Their rushing noise only compounded my depression.
I didn’t bother telling Mom to hold on.
I didn’t look up or yell for Aunt Cassie to guide them.
Help was not needed.
It was already pointless.
“Goodbye, Mom.” I ended my embrace, staring deep into the eyes of my beautiful mother, hidden beneath blood and bone.
She’d slipped away silently.
There’d been no last-minute farewells or whispered affections.
She’d said what she needed to.
The Son & His Hope Page 36