I’d vowed what she wanted me to.
She was done waiting and had gone.
I nodded at the finality of it.
I no longer held my mother but a shell.
A corpse just like my compass dream had shown.
“Dad, if you truly are out there…if you’re watching…I hope to God you’ve found her.”
The thought of her alone, surrounded by black, lonely forever?
Fuck, it broke my goddamn heart.
Voices and shouts sounded.
Aunt Cassie’s scream ripped through the heavy air, and a breeze erupted from nowhere.
Hurricane power and just as rogue, ripping over the field, tangling in my mother’s hair, soaring to the wooded boundary and shaking the boughs of trees.
Was that my father?
His reply?
Or was it Mom, flying to find him like she said?
Or maybe it was both of them, finally together?
Either way, they were gone.
With trembling bloody hands, I gathered a small section of her hair and tied the blue ribbon back into the strands.
She couldn’t go to the afterlife without her namesake.
She’d never opened the gifts from Dad, and the little blue boxes were trampled into the ground as people surrounded me. Paramedics, Grandpa John, and Aunt Cassie.
Before, I’d sat in aching sadness. Now, there were seized solutions and frenzied attempts at resuscitation.
Someone pushed me out of the way, pulling Mom from my arms and laying her on her back. Rough hands ripped her shirt wider. An oxygen mask was placed over her mouth. One man blew air while another pumped her heart, jiggling her chest with each compression, making the bone in her side appear and reappear with each false breath.
I was forgotten.
Not seen.
Not needed.
I couldn’t watch anymore.
Turning around, I crawled on all fours and threw up.
The taste of grave dirt and cremated ash coated my throat as sour bile splashed on the ground.
No one tried to console me.
No one noticed.
The living was obsessed with the dead, surrounding her as if she were on a pyre about to burst into flames.
Grandpa John sobbed over his surrogate daughter.
Aunt Cassie wept over her deceased sister.
Strangers in uniforms tried to grant a miracle.
And I…I stumbled to my feet and walked away.
I swallowed back mourning, wrapped arms around wretchedness, and put one foot in front of the other with my mother’s blood baptising me, urging me to keep a promise, commanding me to run.
My legs were too weak to fly.
My body shaking and full of shock, but I never stopped walking.
I walked past Forrest’s paddock without a goodbye.
I walked past Hope as she appeared by the wooden gate, eyes wild and hands plastered over her mouth.
I walked away from all of it.
Everyone.
Everything.
I’d kept one promise for eleven years.
Now, I had another one to keep.
Stay.
Go.
I was their son, an orphan, free.
I didn’t stop until I vanished into the trees.
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
Hope
* * * * * *
“DAD?” I coughed around snotty tears.
“What is it, Little Lace?” His voice instantly went on high alert, the protective father, the kind parent. His love made me cry even harder.
My head bowed as I stood in the kitchen of a woman who no longer existed.
A woman who’d been so kind and wonderful.
A woman who’d been alive this morning and now…was gone.
How was that possible?
How could this be?
“Hope? You there? What happened?”
My tears came faster, my coughs came thicker as I broke down in a way I hadn’t been able to when standing on the outskirts of the paramedics as they tried to bring Della back.
I sank to the tiled floor, leaning against cabinetry its owner no longer needed.
“Dad…”
“Stop crying for one second, Hope. I need to know what’s going on. Are you hurt? Injured? What can I do?”
“She’s…gone.”
“Who’s gone?”
I sobbed harder, flashes of Della laughing as we rode together, snippets of Della beside me on the couch as we watched TV. Memories of her hugging me and soothing me when her son had made my life a nightmare.
“Hope, tell me right now. Do you need me to come there?”
The thought of him being here.
To have his comforting presence beside me at the funeral.
I wanted that more than I could say.
Jacob was missing.
No one knew where he’d gone.
I hadn’t been there for him. I’d been too weak to stay healthy, and I’d let him down by hiding myself away with this stupid flu.
He had no one.
And everyone else on this farm had lost just as much.
They were wrapped up in their own grief.
Cherry River had shut down the moment Della’s body was carted away in the ambulance.
I was alone.
I didn’t want to be alone anymore.
Sucking in a sob, I coughed. “Della died, Dad. She’s dead.”
Silence answered me before Dad let out a low groan. “Christ. I’m jumping on a plane this afternoon. Don’t move.”
He hung up.
I wished he hadn’t hung up.
I wanted someone to tell me that it would be okay.
That the two women in my life who I’d loved as a mother hadn’t truly left me.
That it wasn’t my fault they had died.
“Dad?” I whispered into the empty phone. “Dad? Please…come fix this.”
Cradling the phone, I slipped into a foetal position on the kitchen floor.
And cried.
* * * * *
“Oh, sweetie.” A soft hand landed on my shoulder, rousing me.
I opened gritty, tear-swollen eyes, meeting the gaze of Cassie.
Her hair was tangled and unruly. Cheeks splotchy and clothes hanging lank off a grieving body.
“Ho-how are you?” I asked around another cough, fighting the cold kitchen floor to creep upward against the cabinets.
“How am I? I think I need to ask you that.” Cassie smiled gently. “How long have you been down there?”
I blinked at the night-filled house. Dusk had descended, followed by evening. I’d lost track of time, drifting off into sadness.
“I don’t know.” With her help, I clambered to my feet. I coughed again, needing to blow my nose and breathe.
This awful flu wasn’t giving me any reprieve.
And now, I had no one to pop me painkillers with a motherly smile.
Another burn of tears threatened to drown me.
Rubbing my nose, I stared at the toaster, doing my best not to sob.
“I’m sorry no one came for you, Hope.”
I shook my head quickly. “Don’t apologise. Please, please don’t apologise. I’m the one who should. I’m so sorry about De…” I couldn’t say it. I couldn’t make it so real.
We stood in terrible tension, hearts beating with sorrow. I rubbed my nose again, hating the tickle of sickness when bleakness was enough of a curse. “Where’s Jacob?”
“No one has seen him since—” Her breath hitched, and fresh tears spilled down her face. “Since Della passed away.” Shaking her head, she let me go and busied herself by turning on the lights and pouring a glass of water. “He’s probably gone into the forest. He’ll be okay.”
She was most likely right about the forest but not right about being okay.
If I weren’t so sick, I’d go after him.
I’d tramp through the forest in the dead of night and find him. He needed to know he w
asn’t alone. If someone didn’t find him soon, he’d disappear in every way possible.
I knew that in the depth of my being.
Jacob needed someone to reach out and pull him back from the abyss.
To hug him.
If no one did, he’d shut down, and it would be too late.
It was probably already too late.
My chest ached as more tears welled, this time not just for Della but for Jacob.
I’d failed both of them.
I’d hidden from Jacob after an incredible kiss. I’d loved his mother like she was my own. I’d overstepped, over-pushed, and overstayed on every occasion. And Della had said it gave her peace knowing I was there for Jacob when she couldn’t be.
I’d earned her trust.
She’d only been gone a few hours, and I’d already let her down.
God, the thought of her in some astral plane, watching her son break down while I curled up on her kitchen floor hurt so, so much.
“Have you eaten?” Cassie asked. Before I could answer, she laughed tightly. “What am I saying? Of course, you haven’t.” Brushing her hands on her jeans, she cocked her chin. “Come on. You’re sleeping at my place tonight.”
“I need to find Jacob.”
“It’s past midnight, Hope. You’re not going into the forest in the dark.”
“But he needs us.”
“He needs to be alone right now. To process everything.”
I bit my lip. I didn’t want to argue with Jacob’s aunt—after all, she knew him better than me—but the creeping dread filling my stomach said otherwise.
Jacob was almost out of our reach.
“Come on.” Cassie moved wearily toward the door. “Let’s go.”
“But—”
“No buts, Hope. Not tonight.” Her eyes flashed, followed by more tears. “Please. Let’s just…rest. After all, tomorrow is another day.”
My heart clenched. I’d quoted the same thing.
Gone with the Wind.
At least in that tale, Scarlett and Rhett were still alive. In this one, both were dead.
All my strength vanished.
I had no power to argue, run into the forest, or even to head to Jacob’s old room and grab a pair of pyjamas.
I was literally depleted and almost collapsed back onto the kitchen floor.
Cassie held out her hand, and I took it with a wash of fresh tears.
I cried for Jacob and Della, but I also cried for me.
I’d lost them both before I’d ever truly had them, and the thought of no longer being in this crypt of a house was a welcome one.
I didn’t look back as Cassie squeezed my fingers and guided me outside.
My back stiffened as she closed the door behind us, the click all too final.
All too loud on an ending of someone’s life.
Della would never walk over that threshold again.
I just hoped Jacob would.
Tomorrow is another day.
I’d find him.
I wouldn’t let him disappear.
Standing on the deck, Cassie and I breathed in night air, fighting misery.
“Where…where is she?” I dared ask, keeping my gaze on the deck beneath my sneakered feet.
“At the hospital.” Cassie sniffed, shaking her head as tears glittered on her cheeks. “She had her funeral plan already arranged. She’ll be cremated, and we’ll hold a simple funeral in two days.”
“So soon?”
“It’s what she wanted. Her wishes stated if she could no longer be with us and Jacob, she wanted to be with Ren as soon as possible.” A sob caught in her throat. “She’ll be scattered in the same place he was.”
Fresh tears stung my eyes as they cascaded unbidden.
How much could one person cry?
I didn’t remember crying this much when my own mother committed suicide.
And that made me wretched because how dare I mourn a woman who wasn’t mine more than my own flesh and blood?
But Della had been there for me. She’d cared for me. She’d wanted to spend time with me.
And…I loved her for that.
Now, I missed her more than anything.
* * * * *
“Ah, Little Lace.”
I looked up from the rocker where I’d sat since three a.m. The rocker where John Wilson smoked a pipe sometimes, surveying Cherry River and its lovely rolling meadows and perfect pony paddocks.
After a midnight snack of scrambled eggs on toast, Cassie made up the spare room for me. I’d smiled gratefully and closed the door, blocking the sound of other people’s tears so I could indulge in my own.
But I couldn’t sleep.
I couldn’t close my eyes because every time I did, I saw Jacob out there, alone, covered in dirt and blood, his face vacant of humanity, his heart shattered into irreparable pieces.
I’d crept outside, intending to chase after him.
I’d stood on the deck and tried to visualise the path he’d taken me to go camping.
But as I’d pulled on sneakers and wrapped a jacket around my never-ending chill, utter exhaustion added lead to my legs.
Sorrow slammed into me like a wrecking ball, smashing my knees, sending me tumbling into the rocker.
I promised myself I’d rest for just a few minutes.
I coughed and sneezed and bargained with my health that any second now I would be cured enough to gallop through the forest after Jacob.
They were lies.
My eyes closed on their gritty grief, and sleep dragged me under.
But now, it was dawn, and I was no longer alone.
Dad was here.
I thought I’d cried every drop.
I was liquid deficient from a day’s worth of tears, but the second I saw my father, I broke.
I opened my arms, and he bent to scoop me into his embrace. He picked me up like I was a child again, cradling me tight as I buried my face into his neck.
I cried for Della and Jacob.
I cried for the horses she’d rescued and the family she’d left behind.
I cried for all of it.
And Dad didn’t let me go, murmuring sweet things, stroking my hair with tenderness, holding my pieces together while I came undone.
By the time, I pulled away to blow my nose, his grey shirt was soaked and his face tired. The aura of airplane and travel hung over him, making him stoop under fatigue.
“What about work?” I asked softly.
He was always so reliable. The directors loved him for his commitment to a project. His trustworthiness to production timelines.
He shrugged. “Not important.”
“But—”
“Stop.” He smiled gently. “I’m here for you. And for Della. I’m so sorry, Little Lace.”
I bit my lip, stemming more tears. “It still doesn’t seem real.”
“Are you okay?”
I shook my head.
“That’s understandable. You had a great bond with her.”
“I loved her.” My eyes narrowed, daring him to argue.
He nodded. “I can see that. And Jacob? How is he?”
“He’s vanished.” I cursed as yet more water welled in my eyes.
When would it end?
How much more would I cry?
“Oh.” Dad let me go, moving toward the edge of the deck and sitting wearily on the steps. “I guess we’ll have to find him then, won’t we?”
I gasped. “You…you’d do that? You’d go looking for him?”
He frowned. “Of course, I would. His mother just died. It’s not good for him to be alone.”
How lucky was I to have a father like him?
Rushing over, I threw myself at him. “Thank you. I’ve been so worried about him. Can we go now?”
Stroking my hair, he pulled away. “How about we have a shower and something to eat, and then we’ll go find him.”
Another delay, but a sensible one.
“Okay.”
I
could wait a little longer.
We’d find Jacob.
I’d tell him I was in love with him.
I’d care for him, protect him.
Just like Della would’ve wanted me to.
CHAPTER FORTY
Jacob
* * * * * *
I WATCHED THEM from the treeline.
I hugged the hunger in my belly and wiped at the dirt on my cheek as they invaded my forest.
My parents’ forest.
The cemetery.
I knew they’d come.
I didn’t know when, but I knew it would end here.
Where I’d stood as a ten-year-old and said goodbye to the ashes of a man I missed more than anything. That day, Mom had hugged me and told me it wasn’t him in that urn—that he was free and all around us.
Had she lied?
I supposed she was about to find out for herself.
The procession was small and intimate.
Family and close friends only.
At the back of the crowd walked Hope with her father.
He had no right to be here.
Thanks to him, I had my dad’s cough repeating in my head in two different styles. I’d watched him die twice. And I’d had to deal with his daughter who disturbed and hurt me in the strangest, horrifying way.
We hadn’t spoken since that god-awful kiss.
If I had my way, we’d never speak again.
Hope’s eyes were never still, searching the fields, the shadows, the trees.
Looking for me.
I should feel guilty for running off without any explanation. I should stride from the woods and meet my family with an apology.
But when Mom died, most of me died with her.
I couldn’t pretend I was okay or soothe the grief of others.
I was done with the living.
For two days, I’d fended for myself in the barest way possible. I still wore the clothes stained with my mother’s blood. I’d stayed alive with a few drinks from the river and a handful of local berries, but that was all I’d foraged for. I couldn’t hunt because I couldn’t stand the thought of more blood and bone. I couldn’t watch another life be taken.
My hands shook as humanity came closer.
I wanted to bare my teeth and run.
Soon.
Soon, I would disappear for good.
Once this funeral was over…I would exist no more.
Their hushed voices met me, weaving around tree trunks and whispering in the leaves. Grandpa John and Aunt Cassie led the sad procession, a black lacquered urn wrapped with a blue ribbon in Aunt Cassie’s arms.
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