My heart twisted into knots.
But no tears fell.
I hadn’t cried since.
I didn’t know if I ever could again.
Something had locked inside me. Painful and thick, the barrier fortified with barbwire, imprisoning me in solitary.
I couldn’t process what’d happened.
I couldn’t accept.
All I knew was…nothing was worth this type of pain.
Nothing.
“How can we do this without him?” Aunt Cassie asked Grandpa John as they arrived in the clearing where the soft breeze was never still.
“He’ll come. I know he will.” Grandpa squeezed her shoulder, his gaze landing on the urn. “He has to.”
My hands balled as the rest of the congregation gathered. No one spoke. Dressed in black, some with a blue ribbon tied somewhere on their person in homage to my mother, they all waited for something.
Someone.
Me.
Swallowing my phobias of contact and caring, I strode from the treeline and into the sun.
A few gasps sounded.
Hope tried to come to me, but her father stopped her.
Aunt Cassie’s and Grandpa John’s eyes immediately welled with tears.
I kept my back straight and chin up, stoic and unbreakable as I held out my hands and waited until she placed my mother’s ashes in them.
Aunt Cassie bit her lip, unable to stem more sadness as I nodded and carried the black vase to the same place where Mom and I had said goodbye to Dad.
People followed me, not giving me peace, expecting me to be the one to say the eulogy.
I had nothing to say.
Only that life was cruel.
And fighting for love wasn’t worth it.
Dad had been forty-three when he passed.
Mom was the same age.
Ten years apart, but both gone so young.
A cruel twist of fate or just rotten bad luck?
I no longer cared about figuring out existence and the rhythm of the heart.
My family was gone.
And soon, I would be too.
Removing the lid, I stared at the grey dust inside, searching for words of wisdom and consolation. Mom had said the tribute at my father’s funeral. She’d held the attention of townsfolk and doctors with her penned paragraphs destined for the book that would make their love story famous.
I had nothing like that.
I wasn’t a writer.
Or special.
Or gifted.
I was just their son.
The orphan.
Turning around, I faced the crowd…and shrugged.
Tears erupted Aunt Cassie and Hope, and Nina turned into her father with sobs.
For the longest moment, I was wordless. But then the desire to get this over and done with shoved simple, almost heartless things from my mouth. “There’s nothing to say apart from goodbye.” I cursed the heavy hardness in my chest. The knives and swords that stabbed my every breath. “She wanted to be scattered here. So…I’ll honour her wishes.”
The breeze whipped harder as I tipped an urn for the second time in my life and let the mortal remains of my mother free. They fluttered and flew, cascading over earth and leaves, leaving the barest of silver traces behind.
Grandpa John sucked in a heavy sob before turning to the small gathering.
And he did what I could not.
His deep baritone blanketed the hillside with tales of my mother when she first found Cherry River, of her many years of friendship with Aunt Cassie, and of her star-crossed marriage to my father.
I didn’t listen.
I couldn’t stay.
Leaving the empty urn against a twisted tree root, I shoved my dirty hands into grubby pockets and strode away.
For a second, I was alone in my exit.
But then, tiny footfalls chased me, not stopping until the shadows of the forest kissed me, and I stopped to face the inevitable.
“Jacob.” Hope dashed the final distance, her eyes red-rimmed and puffy. “I was so worried about you. Dad and I searched for two days looking for you.”
I studied her, taking in the black dress and midnight boots. “I didn’t want to be found.”
“Well, you’re here now. Please…stay.” Her forehead scrunched as if she was fighting something before her eyes watered and she plastered a hand over her mouth. A loud cough escaped her, rattling and wet, thick and sick.
I backed up. My hand swooped up on its own accord to stop her as she moved toward me. “Stay away.”
She wrung her fingers. “It’s just the flu. That’s why I kept my distance from you after our kiss…. The cough sounds worse than I am. Truly. I’m much better now.”
My skin prickled with horror as she coughed again.
My ears rang with other coughing, other dying, other goodbyes.
And I’d officially reached my limit.
No more.
Just…no more.
“Leave, Hope. Leave and never come back.”
She froze. “Wh-what did you say?”
“I said you’re no longer welcome here.”
“But…Jacob.” She inched closer. “What about us? What about—”
“There is no us.” I backed away again, stumbling in my haste. “Not anymore. I can’t.”
“You can. It’s just a stupid flu, Jake.”
“Don’t call me that.”
“Well, don’t say such idiotic things about asking me to leave.”
“I’m not asking. I’m telling you.”
Her eyes welled with liquid. “Don’t do this, Jacob. Don’t push me away.”
“It’s already done.” My spine ached with pain.
I couldn’t be near her.
I no longer had a heart.
I was empty.
Dead.
Gone.
If I’m dead, why does this hurt so goddamn much?
“There’s nothing left for you here.”
“There is.” Her voice tangled with pleas. “There’s you.”
“No.” Pointing toward the boundary of Cherry River, I commanded, “Go. I won’t tell you again.”
“But, Jacob—”
“Do as I say, Hope.”
“You’re upset. I want to be there for you—” Another cough interrupted her, splintering my tattered heart into fragmented pieces that would never fit together again. “I-I’m in love with you, Jacob. I love you. Don’t you see? You can’t ask me to turn my back on that. Della would want us—”
“Don’t tell me what my mother would’ve wanted.”
“It’s true,” she begged. “Please. Just come home.”
“Leave, Hope.”
“I can’t. I belong here.” She coughed again, worked up and breathless with panic. “I belong here…with you.”
Graham appeared in the distance, watching me destroy his daughter. He’d hate me forever, but I welcomed that hate because it was the opposite of love.
Opposite of agony.
Hate was survivable.
Stalking toward Hope, I whispered under my breath, “Remember your promise?”
Her eyes searched mine, her hair loose around her shoulders. “What promise?”
“The one where you said you’d leave if I ever asked you to. You swore on your mother.”
My voice deepened on that word. Neither of us had one of those now. But at least, she still had a father. She had family.
I no longer wanted such a thing.
I wanted to be left the hell alone.
Whatever feelings I’d had for her were gone.
She was in love with a man incapable of loving her back.
I warned her.
I told her.
But she didn’t listen.
“Jacob…please don’t.” Her tears tracked glitter paths down her cheeks. “Stop.”
“I’m making you keep that promise, Hope. I’m telling you I can’t do this.”
“I don’t want to go.�
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“I don’t care.”
“But I do. I care about you.” She reached for me.
I grabbed her wrists and shoved her hands to her sides. “Don’t touch me. Don’t talk to me. Abide by your promise and leave.”
“Don’t you care that I’m in love with you?” She squirmed in my hold. “Don’t you care you’re breaking my heart?”
“I don’t care about anything anymore.”
I can’t.
I just fucking can’t.
“But what about you? You shouldn’t be alone.”
“I want to be alone.”
She winced, tearing her wrists from my fingers and wrapping arms around her stomach. “I don’t believe that. I want to help you. You need someone to help you. There’s something between us, Jacob. There always has been. You have to feel it too.”
“There’s nothing,” I hissed. “All I need is for you to keep your promise.”
“But—”
“Are you not listening? I can’t do this. Don’t make me fucking do this.” My temper clawed at my voice. I trembled with destruction. I was seconds away from breaking. Of falling to my knees and begging her to help me.
Of admitting that I did need someone.
Someone to take away my pain.
Someone to act like a drug, a blanket, a cure.
My heart didn’t know how to live without such things.
But my mind didn’t know how to survive with them.
I was stuck—locked between opposing, destroying forces—and I would die if she kept pushing me.
Holding her gaze, I growled. “I’m done, do you hear me? Done. There is nothing left for you here.”
More tears flowed down her cheeks, making her even more beautiful. Dark-haired and green-eyed—an empress of misery. “Jacob…”
“Fine. If you won’t go willingly, I’ll force you.” Tearing my gaze from hers, I shouted at Graham lurking in the background. “Take your daughter, Mr. Murphy. Leave.”
Her body turned wild, reaching for me, scratching at my forearm, trying to keep me. “Don’t do this. I’ll go away. I’ll leave for a few days. When I’m better and have stopped coughing, I’ll come back. I’ll give you some space. Then…we’ll go back to being friends. Okay? Just friends. You need a friend, Jacob. Now more than ever. You need me.”
“I don’t need a friend. I’ve always hated that word.”
“You didn’t hate me.”
“Are you so sure about that?” I narrowed my eyes, determined to crush her so she never came back.
She flinched. Goosebumps pebbled her arms. “Please, Jacob. I-I can’t leave you.” Tears rolled round and heavy down her cheeks. “Please, don’t make me leave you.”
Her vulnerability almost ruined me.
Her love so pure. Her care so bright.
It closed a coffin around my already dead soul and threw away the key.
I had no strength left.
I would run like the coward I was.
“Stay. I’ll leave.” Taking a few steps, I glowered at her not to follow.
She didn’t obey. Eyes wide as emeralds, tears as bright as stars, she chased me.
So I did the only thing left.
The last option before she slaughtered me.
Looking past her, I locked gazes with her father. He wouldn’t be on my side, but if he wanted to keep his daughter safe, he’d do this for me. “Graham, I’m seconds away from hurting your daughter. Get her away from me before I do something I’ll regret.”
He broke into a jog. “Don’t you lay a finger on her.”
“Get her off my property then. I want her gone from Cherry River.”
Hope sobbed as her father wrapped his arms around her and tugged her away from me. He death-stared me with fury. “I appreciate you just lost your mother, Jacob, but if you ever speak to Hope or me like that again, I’ll punch you in the goddamn jaw.”
“Noted.” I stayed emotionless. Calmer now that Hope was trapped.
I was safe.
Almost free. “Lucky for you, you won’t have to see me again.”
Hope struggled in her father’s grip. “Jacob. This isn’t you. I know this isn’t you. You just need time to accept this.”
Accept?
Accept?
Fuck that word.
That motherfucking god-awful word.
Black wrath consumed me as I stalked toward her.
Graham clutched her close as if he could protect her from the pain she’d caused me. The pain I wanted to share with her. “I will never accept this. Never. Do you understand? There is nothing to accept. Life is not a gift; it’s a curse. Death is the gift because then the madness is over. You want me to accept that nothing is safe or sacred? That everything can be stolen at fate’s whim? Well, fuck that.”
“No,” she cried, unable to untangle herself from Graham’s arms. “I mean accept that they are gone. Grieve, Jacob. Remember, but don’t fight the truth. Don’t hurt yourself by refusing to accept that they’re dead.”
I spun around and walked away.
My tolerance was finished.
“Jacob!” Hope screamed after me. “Jacob!”
I didn’t turn around.
My ears were immune to her cries, and I steeled myself against every inch of agony she’d caused.
“Let him go, Little Lace,” Graham muttered. “Let him go.”
Breaking into a run, I did my best to outrun tragedy and persecution.
Tried to outrun the awful things I’d said.
The terrible truth I’d uttered.
Her broken heart.
My broken soul.
I tried to run from life.
CHAPTER FORTY-ONE
Jacob
* * * * * *
ENTERING MY MOTHER’S house, I sucked in a breath at her lingering scent.
The smell of home and togetherness and family.
My eyes saw illusions and holograms—of her dancing with my dad in the living room, cooking us Christmas dinner, folding laundry in the sun.
Now, she was cinders and scattered in the wind.
Hope had finally left, dragged away by Graham.
My family had withdrawn into their grief.
I was alone.
Officially and totally.
Just like I always feared.
Just like I always wanted.
The past few days in the forest had solidified my resolution to leave. I was an oath keeper, and the time had come to honour my mother’s dying wish.
I no longer had to abide by my father’s.
I wasn’t bound to stay.
I was destined to leave.
Tonight, I would vanish.
Nothing trapped me here anymore. I’d said goodbye at Mom’s funeral. I’d left instructions with a local contractor to maintain the harvests, planting, and maintenance of my legacy and farm.
Cherry River would be cared for.
Forrest would be fed.
Grandpa John had Aunt Cassie and her family to care for him.
I was free to go.
Striding through the house, I ran my fingers over the couch and table, along the walls and pictures.
I touched it all, imprinted it all, because I doubted I’d ever see it again.
Entering my parents’ bedroom, the quicksilver moon revealed the three blue packages that’d been discarded into the dirt when Mom died. Someone had collected them and brought them here, into a bedroom that would never be slept in again.
The shiny paper was smudged and soiled. Areas of sticky tape came undone, begging someone to open them.
That someone was no longer capable of such a thing, and I had no right to pry.
My hands shook as I gathered them off the bed and hugged them close.
Gifts destined for one deceased parent from the other.
They didn’t belong in this world anymore, just like them.
Turning around, my eyes fell on the two books that were never far from Mom’s bedside. A blue cover and
a yellow cover.
Two paperbacks entombing their love story.
They didn’t belong, just like the gifts didn’t.
Grabbing the books, and nestling them with the parcels in my arms, I left the house I was raised in and jogged over the field and up the hill to my place.
There, I placed the blue packages and paperbacks on my table while I shrugged off my filthy clothing, had a quick shower, and packed a bag.
Inside the duffel, I tossed mere necessities. A passport that Mom insisted I kept valid, cash, and a few changes of clothes.
Nothing else.
Nothing else was important.
Hope was gone.
My life here was over.
With a last look around my home, I slung on my bag, scooped up the gifts and books, turned off the lights, and scaled the steps of my deck.
The night sky was grey like human ash as I strode into the forest and kept walking.
My feet knew the terrain. My body knew the location even blind.
My thoughts were calm and cold as I entered the clearing where my parents’ dust had mixed and fell to my knees beneath the tree I’d carved our initials into.
There was no breeze tonight.
The sky hushed and hurting.
No owls, no mice, no life—as if it were all afraid of me.
With gritted teeth, I used my hands to dig a small hole.
A grave.
Once deep enough, I dropped the blue boxes into it.
One, two, three.
All unopened.
Curiosity gnawed at me to open just one.
But they weren’t mine to open, so I shovelled dirt onto them instead.
Next to that grave, I dug another, this one to cradle the paperbacks until they rotted and became nothing but memories.
The two earthen coffins sat neatly side by side as I patted the last bit of earth, putting the past where it belonged, then climbed wearily to my feet.
I stood and stared at the small graveyard.
I tried to speak to my parents one last time.
But only ice slithered around my heart.
One promise broken.
One about to be honoured.
I collected my backpack, cut across Cherry River, and never looked back.
*****
PART THREE
The Son & His Hope Page 38