The Son & His Hope

by Pepper Winters

  “That’s very chivalrous of you, Jacob, but faced with walking in the rain or sleeping here with you, I choose the rain.” She tried to push me away. “Let go of me.”

  “Not until you stop fighting.” I cupped her cheek. “You’re staying.”

  “I’m not.”

  “For once in your life, you’re going to do what I tell you.”

  She laughed coldly. “How about once in your life, you realise how much you’re hurting me just by being you?”

  My heart bled all over the floor. “I hurt you? What about the way you hurt me?”

  Her cheeks pinked. “I don’t hurt you. You’re immune to me.”

  “You hurt me every fucking second. You hurt me just by existing.”

  “Why would you say something like that?”

  “Because it’s true.” My thumb traced her bottom lip, disobeying my command to back away. “You call me stupid, Hope. But you’re just as blind.”

  She shivered. “Let me go, Jacob.”

  “Can’t.” My feet inched closer, slipping my body against hers. She gasped as I wedged my weight on her, pressing her into the door. “Fuck, I can’t.”

  I’d kissed this girl with a concussion, and when I was drunk.

  Both weren’t of clear mind and rational thought.

  What would kissing her be like after smoking a pipe?

  “Don’t do this, Jacob. Please, please don’t do this.”

  I was intoxicated. My voice slurred with sex. “Do what?”

  She whimpered as my mouth hovered over hers. “This.”

  “This?”

  “Kiss me.”

  I knew she requested I stop, but in my current fog, all I heard was a command.

  Kiss me.

  God, yes, I’ll kiss you.

  I collapsed against her, slamming my lips to hers and erasing four long years apart.

  She tasted just like she had that night in the stables. Sweet and heady and strong—so goddamn strong.

  She wriggled in my embrace, her lips tight under mine, fighting me all while I begged her for welcome. “Stop.” Her mumble against my mouth only spurred me on.

  My hands fisted into her hair, holding her steady to kiss her deeper.

  I groaned as I licked the seam of her lips, desperate for her to kiss me back.

  Come on, Hope.

  Give in.

  Her legs shifted, angling her bottom half away.

  Then, blinding white-hot agony.

  I buckled over, letting her go and swimming in a roar of nausea. Cupping my balls, I fell to my knees, rocking in blistering pain. “You just kneed me!”

  “You wouldn’t let me go!” She stood over me, chest heaving.

  I struggled to catch a breath, riding the shockwaves of injury. She ducked to her haunches, her face full of worry. “Oh, no, I didn’t hurt you, did I? I barely put any pressure behind it. It was just a warning. That’s all.”

  I laughed icily, cupping the boys and massaging the ache away. “That’s all? Who the hell are you?”

  She sighed. “I’m the girl who’s very sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”

  “Damn right, you shouldn’t.” The pain faded, carried away by blood and heartbeats, leaving me angrier than I’d ever been. “I kiss you, and you try to kill me.”

  “I told you I didn’t want to be kissed.” She stood, towering over me on the floor. “I need to go. We’re just…not right for each other, Jacob. We want different things. I…I truly am sorry for hurting you.”

  “I don’t want your damn apology.”

  “It’s all I have to give.” She shrugged sadly. “Please…call Cassie. It’s urgent. I promised her I’d give you the message, and I have. My task is complete. I need to leave.”

  My hand lashed out, fingers locking around her ankle. “You’re not leaving.”

  She narrowed her eyes. “I am. You’ve been smoking pot. You’re not in your right mind.”

  “I didn’t kiss you because of the weed, Hope.” My thumb followed her ankle bone, loving the way she shuddered. “I kissed you because I couldn’t not kiss you.”

  “And I didn’t kiss you back because I can’t kiss you.”

  “You’ve kissed me before.”

  “And both were mistakes.”

  “You’re afraid you’re going to propose to me if I fuck you in a rainstorm?”

  A full body shudder took her hostage as my fingers crept up her calf. Her skin was like satin. Like sea glass and marble. I couldn’t stop myself. I shifted higher on my knees, praying to her as I continued stroking the softest skin I’d ever touched. Around her kneecap, dipping to inner thigh and up, up, up. “Or are you afraid I’d say yes if you did?”

  She wobbled.

  Her hand landed on my head, fingers curling around my shaggy hair. “Don’t…please don’t.”

  Wrapping my free arm around her waist, I tugged her into me. Her stomach was firm and flat as I pressed a kiss right on her belly button. “Don’t you want to know what it would be like?”

  “Be like?” Her head fell back as my fingers continued climbing. Goosebumps pebbled her skin. She shivered as if she stood in a snowstorm and not in a humid hut in Bali.

  “Between us.”

  “There’s nothing between us.”

  I nipped at her lower belly. “There’s everything between us.”

  My fingers grazed her underwear. She jolted as if lightning forked through the roof and hit her directly in the heart. “God, Jacob, please…you’re not rational. It’s the weed. This isn’t you. God, it’s not—”

  I lashed my thumb over the most intimate part of her. The cotton between her legs was wet from rain and the sizzling heat between us. My throat became a wasteland of want. My body a nucleus of raging hot need. “It’s not the pot.” I nuzzled into her belly, pressing harder against her. A flood of warmth shocked me as her back bowed, opening her body to my control.

  And that was it.

  I broke.

  Scrambling to my feet, I wrapped a fist in her hair and pulled. With my other hand, I cupped her heat, rocking my palm against the part I’d read was the most sensitive.

  She buckled in my hold. Her head fell back. Her lips parted.

  And I kissed her.

  Goddammit, I kissed her.

  Just as we fought with words, we fought in action too.

  She kissed me back, violence for violence.

  We tripped into the middle of the room, almost falling. But our lips never unlocked. Our bodies never unglued. Our hands roaming, claiming, possessing.

  I did my best to fall toward the bed, guiding her as we spun and fought, kissing, always kissing.

  Pushing her the final distance, she tumbled backward, bouncing on the bed where I’d been so goddamn lonely. Where she’d found me in my dreams and haunted my nightmares. Where I’d loved her, wanted her, watched her die, and realised I wanted this girl enough to face my awful fears, but I wasn’t strong enough to fight for a forever.

  She was the most dangerous thing to me.

  She was the one person who could end my life all by loving me.

  Hope scrambled up the bed, her dress bunching around her legs, her hair wild and tangled. Her eyes searched mine as I crawled toward her, hovering over her with shaking arms.

  “You do this, and everything changes.”

  I ducked to kiss her, twisting her tongue with mine. “It’s just sex.”

  “Sex you’ve avoided.”

  “Sex I want with you.”

  She pulled away, her palm cupping my cheek. “I need you to know how this will affect me. You already own my heart, Jacob Wild. If you take my body too, you can’t have my friendship. It would be love. Unequivocally.”

  I kissed her again, wishing she’d shut up and let me focus on being with her here and not the terrifying future.

  She kissed me back but pulled away with a moan. “Please, tell me you understand. I don’t know what’s going on with you. I don’t know why you’re doing this.”
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  “Just understand I want you.”

  She sighed sadly. “But that’s not enough for me.” Pushing me, she groaned. “I don’t just want one night with you.”

  My patience frayed; more blood swelled in my cock. “What do you want?”

  Her eyes glittered with every emotion I was petrified of. “You really want an answer to that question?”

  “I want the truth.”

  She looked away, breathing shallow. For a second, she shrank into herself, but then her shoulders braced and her green, powerful gaze froze me above her. “I want everything. All of it. You, Cherry River, us. I want more than you can ever give me.” Tears rolled down her cheeks. “And that’s why I can’t do this.”

  I couldn’t stop myself from kissing away her sadness, tasting salt and heartache. “I’m not trying to hurt you. I’m trying to give you want you want.”

  “No, you’re trying to sleep with me.” She huffed with false humour.

  “That too.” I nuzzled into her, kissing the side of her neck until her head flopped sideways. “Is it working?”

  “You’re not playing fair.”

  “You’ve never played fair with me.”

  “I’ve always respected your boundaries.”

  I laughed coldly, pulling away to kiss the tip of her nose. “I’m sorry but that’s bullshit. You’ve pushed me to the point of breaking every damn day we’ve spent together.”

  She bit her lip, eyes searching mine. She must’ve seen the truth because regret coloured her. “You’re right. I wasn’t fair.”

  “You weren’t.” I bent to kiss her again, hovering over her mouth. “But I forgive you.”

  As my lips grazed hers, she murmured, “You’re not being fair now. You’re pushing me to do something I can’t.”

  “And how does that feel? Does it tear you up inside? Does it hurt you to the point of excruciation? Does it make you want to run as far away as possible?”

  She nodded as I kissed my way along her collarbone. “Um-hum.” She shivered as I blew on the wetness left by my tongue. “I need to leave.”

  “You need to stay.”

  “If I stay I’ll—”

  “Sleep with me. Yes.”

  She moaned, long and needy, making me ten times harder. “I’ve wanted you for years, Jacob. You’re making me run out of willpower to say no.”

  “Good. Give in.” I didn’t know where my aversions had gone. Our roles had reversed. I was the one asking for contact. I finally understood how it felt to want someone who didn’t want you.

  It sucked.

  It hurt.

  I wanted to stop.

  But I was in too deep. Far, far too deep. My body controlled me now, not my mind, and my body begged, fucking begged to have her.

  To have someone.

  Just once.

  To know what it felt like to be normal.

  Hope groaned as I tangled fingers in her hair, holding her prisoner.

  Her eyes blazed. “If we do this, it’s on you. I refuse to feel guilty for pressuring you. I won’t berate myself that I forced you to sleep with me. I’ll—”

  I kissed her, biting her lower lip. “Does it look like you’re forcing me to do something I don’t want to do?” I rocked my erection against her.

  She gasped, her skin flushing with heat. “The pot has ruined you.”

  “Hope.” I lowered myself on her, pinning her to the bed. “Shut up.”

  “But—”

  “You’re not forcing me to do anything.”

  “But you—”

  “I want you. I want you so fucking much.” I wedged my hips deeper between her legs, rocking until lightning sizzled up my spine. “See? Just be here with me. Let’s see if all that fighting is for a reason.”

  “And after?”

  “Who cares about after?”

  “I care. I worry.”

  “There is no after. No past or future. Just this.”

  “I’ve tried living in the present, Jacob, and the past and future always have a way of intruding on it.”

  I sighed. She was right. I knew that far too well. But my heart no longer beat—it suffocated with need. My body made me reckless and hungry. I knew the suffering this would cause, but I’d pay it to enjoy one night with her. “It doesn’t change that I need you so much I’m going out of my mind.”

  She looked away, her lips wet and pink. “I want you too…but I need to know what you want from me…after you’ve had me. I need to know so I can prepare myself.” She couldn’t meet my eyes. “Do you understand? Do you see how hard this will be for me to have something I’ve always wanted, not knowing if it’s mine forever or just for a little while?”

  I flinched, looking at the flickering candles. What sort of answer could I give? I couldn’t lie to her and say things would change. That I wanted her to marry me, move to Bali, and bear my children.

  Those things would never happen.

  I knew that in the depths of my soul.

  My voice softened with sorrow. “There’s no one else I’d rather love, Hope Jacinta Murphy, but out of anyone…you know me. You know I can’t…”

  She swallowed back tears. “Can’t get close to me.”

  I nodded. My eyes burned. My heart drowned in an ocean of misery. “I’m sorry.” I shifted to climb off her. My lust was a monstrous thing, but I’d deal with it on my own instead of forcing it on Hope. I’d hurt her enough. “Just…forget it.”

  I’d let myself give in for just a moment. I’d been brave enough just for a second.

  And she didn’t want me.

  She wasn’t prepared to share my pain.

  It’s for the best.

  Her hands caught my shoulders, her stare far too intense. “Why do you want to do this?”

  I struggled to find an answer that wouldn’t promise things I couldn’t promise and words that wouldn’t hurt. Finally, I settled on the simplest. “’Cause when I’m with you, I forget about loneliness.”

  Her gaze danced over mine, swift and serious, reading whatever secrets I couldn’t hide. “Do you accept that I love you? That this won’t be fucking to me. This will be so much more.”

  I stiffened. The price was far too high. The offer far too tempting.

  She loves me.

  Yet…I can’t love her.

  What sort of bastard did that make me to steal her heart, all because I wanted her body?

  I wedged my forehead on hers, searching for the strength to stop this. It wasn’t right. It wasn’t fair.

  The weed in my system flickered and faltered, mixing my phobias with desires. “You’re my only friend, Hope.”

  I winced.

  I hadn’t meant to say that but the aching defencelessness of my voice made her arms loop around my shoulders and pull me into her. “I said something similar to you, once upon a time.”

  “Friends can fight.” I studied her mouth.

  “Friends can also make up.” She licked her lips.

  “Friends can sometimes be more…for a night,” I whispered, shivering as she opened her legs.

  Time stood still for a moment.

  The rain stopped falling for a second.

  And slowly, Hope nodded.

  She granted damnation and salvation.

  She gave me something I should never have asked for, successfully ruining me forever.

  Her hand cupped my cheek, her body welcomed mine, she brought my head down and kissed me. “Okay, Jacob. Okay…”

  CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN

  Jacob

  * * * * * *

  TWO THINGS I learned the moment I gave in to Hope and she gave in to me.

  One, it hurt when I touched her. The pain reached into my gut, tore out my innards, and fractured my heart with how perfect she felt, how sweet, how soft, how sexy.

  But it was nothing, nothing compared to the pain when she touched me. Her caresses were excruciating. Her kisses agony. Her hugs annihilating.

  I wanted to sleep with her.

  I�
��d wanted it for years.

  I’d fought with her to agree, but now that she had…I didn’t know if I had the strength to go through with it.

  The pain.

  Fuck, the pain.

  The battle between keeping my heart out of the physical and the overwhelming desire to fall head over heels for her. To say screw you to a dismal future—the future where she’d grow old and die, or get sick and die, or one day just hate me and leave.

  Those futures were unacceptable, and each kiss and stroke taunted me to tread that path. To believe it wouldn’t happen. To blindly accept I’d somehow found an immortal goddess who would never perish.

  That I would be the one who died first.

  The one who left.

  The one who hurt her just like my father had hurt my mother.

  She loves me.

  I was already killing her slowly. The only difference between us was she was strong enough to endure such a thing…and I was not.

  I squeezed my eyes shut against the noise. I wanted another hit on my pipe to focus on one thing and one thing only.

  But Hope was my new drug, and her kisses were pure addiction.

  She made me come alive.

  She coaxed dormant parts of me to roar awake, all while encouraging timid things to claim. Dirty thoughts blended with scared thoughts, and I trembled as I collapsed on top of her, pressing my hips deeper into hers.

  Her breath hitched as I kissed her hard—harder than I ever had before. Her damp hair curled over my pillow, and the bed creaked as she wriggled closer.

  She was the only one to ever get this close to me. The only one I could stomach touching me, kissing me…

  She would be my first.

  But was I hers?

  The acidic question laced our kiss. Had she found love with another? Had she been with many men? Why did that make fury unfurl and possession turn me sick with loathing?

  Loathing for myself because I could’ve had her when she was seventeen while secreted away on my farm. She could’ve been mine from the very start.

  Instead, I’d pushed her away.

  She’d had a life without me.

  She would continue to have a life without me after this.

  My lips punished hers, bruising both of us as my disgusting thoughts pressured me to break—to either run or rush this. To find the climax I needed without the annihilation of being loved by her.