It reminded me of the other times we’d kissed. How a single kiss always turned into aggression. How aggression turned to war. How war escalated to the point of insanity.
I was insane. Pure and simple.
Inching forward on her knees, she angled herself over me.
Her eyes studied my nakedness, filling me with complex persecution.
I’d never been naked in front of a girl before. Never suffocated with hunger or trembled with self-consciousness. Having her see me made me powerful and vulnerable all at once.
The two emotions did not combine well with my fear and fury.
Clamping hands on her hips, I pushed her down.
She fought me for a second, her hand lashing around my hardness as if she wanted to repay what I’d done for her. “No.” I pushed again, hissing as the heat of her met my tip. “I can’t wait.”
Her fingers unwrapped from around me, her cheeks pink and lips red. With a moan and a shiver, she nodded and sank.
Down and down, her wetness made me slip smoothly inside her, inch by inch.
I was wrong before when I thought my heart had stopped beating.
This was where I died.
This moment trapped in her body where I felt so many fucking things.
Good things.
Bad things.
Terrible and wonderful things.
“Goddammit, Hope.” I buried a fist in her hair, yanking her closer. I thrust up, not gentle, not kind…just hungry.
So, so fucking hungry.
The same thunderstorm that echoed outside vibrated in my blood, demanding I claim more.
My bones bruised against the floor as I forced her all the way onto my lap, driving as deep as I could inside her.
She moaned as her forehead crashed against my shoulder and her arms wrapped tight around me.
Her hug hurt me. Fuck, it hurt.
But being inside her cancelled out that hurt, layering it with something else instead.
Something I wanted more than life itself.
I couldn’t pretend I didn’t crave her. I couldn’t lie and say I could live without her anymore. I was done being alone when all I wanted was to have a family.
To love.
Even when people died.
To care.
Even when people left.
To be open to loss.
Even when love was so fucking cruel.
I thrust again and again, holding her prisoner as I made her mine.
I kissed her as I drove into her.
Deeper and deeper, over and over.
She cried out as I hit the top of her, my eyes snapping closed at the surreal sensation of being inside this girl.
She rocked against me for each thrust, fucking me as I fucked her, bruise for bruise.
There was nothing gentle or soft about us.
Both chasing a desire we’d danced around for years.
I took her.
Rough and ruthless.
She took me.
Determined and damned.
Everything inside me wanted to erupt. Her heat. Her kindness. Her blind belief that she could save me.
I slipped on the sandy floor as I thrust again. Sweat rivered down my back and Hope’s skin turned just as slippery.
Her teeth sank into her bottom lip as her eyes met mine. Forehead to forehead, arms locked around each other, bodies riding the other.
And I fell into her.
I felt the tug to tumble.
I fought the call to commit.
I closed my eyes and forced my body to stay well away from my heart. All while knowing I was too late because as the first tingle and shiver of an orgasm brewed, I almost believed I could have this.
Have her.
For eternity.
As my hips rolled, I almost made the fatal error that all marriages were based on.
The belief that this would never end.
The faith that the preciousness of what we’d found would never die.
The trading of hearts in the face of death’s rebellion. A declaration against life itself.
My face contorted as I let go, gave in, and allowed myself to taste such a gift for the shortest moment.
And the intensity, the relief, the all-consuming need I buckled with didn’t kill me like I feared, it made wings sprout from my back and fortunes scatter at my feet. I believed I was invincible. I basked in the sacred glow of absolute untainted happiness.
And I wanted that.
With all my broken, stupid heart.
But then fear smoked inside me, whispering of sobbing goodbyes and tear-washed funerals, and my violence to avoid such pain became worse.
So, so much worse.
I bit her neck, cursing her even as I claimed her, thrusting again and again, arching my hips until every inch of me pounded into her. “I’ll never forgive you for this.”
She reared back, her breasts bouncing as I rode her. Her mouth opened to speak, but then her eyes burned with the same bloodthirsty fear, and in that second, she looked as if she hated me.
But then it was gone, replaced with the ever-suffering affection. “I know. But I won’t forgive you either.”
“Forgive me for what?”
“For stealing my heart forever.”
I grimaced as a wave of dark desire clutched my lower belly. “I never asked for your heart.”
She rocked against me, her fingers digging into my shoulders, pressing herself as deep as she could. “Yet you stole it anyway.”
My eyes snapped closed as I struggled to fight the creeping cloud of an orgasm. A thunder strike clapped over ahead, making Hope flinch in my arms.
Rain hammered the roof as pain hammered my soul.
But I never stopped thrusting, hoping, living in that tiny piece of bliss with the girl I would give anything to keep.
I rode her until I couldn’t fight my climax any longer.
She left me lost and alone, gasping for answers—throwing me to the mercy of two futures I didn’t know how to survive.
One with her.
One without her.
And animalistic aggression soared over the weakness of my heart. It thought for me. It shut up awful worries and focused on the only thing it could survive.
Coming.
My orgasm brewed full of pain and goodbyes, pushing me over the edge.
I opened my mouth to howl, but Hope kissed me instead.
So I groaned into her.
I hugged her. I loved her. I came for her.
And I poured everything I was into her hands, knowing all along I’d lived a half-life, a broken life, and after this…I’d have no life at all.
CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT
Jacob
* * * * * *
EVEN EXHAUSTED—IN mind, body, and spirit—I couldn’t sleep.
Lying on my back, staring at the ceiling, I re-lived being inside Hope until I grew hard all over again.
I was no longer a virgin.
After we finished, we’d shared the tiny cold-water shower, skirted around each other with timid smiles and worried words, then climbed into bed to rest.
I’d steeled myself against the torture of cuddling with her, knowing I wouldn’t be able to ever let her go if she curled into me, trusted me enough to fall asleep in my arms, and dreamed beside me of a happier future.
But my fears were for nothing because she kissed me gently, then rolled onto her side, facing away as if this whole evening had been as overwhelming for her as it had been for me.
Space existed between us again, rapidly filling with cruel finality.
She knew me better than anyone. She loved me for, Christ’s sake. All it would take was one word. A simple request.
Stay.
Stay here…with me.
But as the swell of soul-deep affection almost brought idiotic tears to my eyes, I knew I could never ask such a thing.
If I did, I would smother her in my need to keep her safe.
I would drive her mad, like I w
as mad, and together we’d spiral into lunacy.
Goddammit.
I rubbed at my broken heart, glowering in the darkness.
She was the reason I couldn’t sleep. The reason I was a bastard.
Her silent, sleeping form made blood seep from my pores. Her sweet, strong personality made agony thrum down my spine. She wasn’t pushing me or challenging me while she slumbered, and that made it worse. She was softer than she’d ever been, and it gave me far too much silence to be tormented by thoughts.
Around three a.m., the thunderstorm petered out, the rain stopped as if someone turned off a tap, and the jungle hissed and sighed as leaves dried and earth slurped up moisture.
The sudden quietness should’ve drifted me off to sleep.
It only made me more awake.
Anxiety quivered through me. Nerves and concern about how I’d go back to my regular life now that I’d tasted what one could be like with Hope. And terror because as much as I wanted her…I still wasn’t capable of signing my heart over to the agony my parents had suffered.
Marrying into a future that was only happy as long as Hope was alive.
And life was such a fickle, fragile thing.
Keeping my distance from Hope was the only way I could avoid that lifetime of torture. But it also granted a different type of torture.
I didn’t know how I’d survive without her either.
At four a.m., I climbed carefully out of bed, doing my best not to disturb Hope. I needed some fresh air.
I’d sit on the rotten deck and watch the sunrise; perhaps then I’d have a clear answer on what I would do about the mess my heart had become.
Striding away from a sleeping Hope, my foot nudged her phone, still abandoned and forgotten on the floor. I stooped to pick it up, but the screen blared bright with an incoming call, searching for the girl who’d stolen my world.
I scrambled to turn the volume down before the first ring could come through. I wasn’t ready for her to wake up yet. She’d want answers. She’d push me for conversation. I wouldn’t do well being pushed without contemplating my own questions first.
However, a name popped up on her screen.
A name I hadn’t seen in a very long time.
And my thumb swiped to answer, holding the phone to my ear as I cut across the room and opened the wonky door as quietly as I could.
The second I was out of the hut and down the seashell path, I rubbed my face, gathered my courage, and prepared to apologise to someone I hadn’t seen in four very long years.
“Hello, Aunt Cassie.”
CHAPTER FORTY-NINE
Hope
* * * * * *
I KNEELED NEXT to Jacob’s suitcase.
He’d left all his belongings…just like he’d left me.
I’d woken with a mixture of happiness and heartache, searched for him in stupidity, and headed to the beach to see if he’d been summoned to work.
Last night had been….
Insane.
Crazy.
Perfect.
I’d tried to say no.
I’d broken up with another boy with the fear of such a thing happening.
I’d given up protecting my heart and threw it into Jacob’s hands the moment he called me his friend.
Couldn’t he see we’d always been more than that?
Friends didn’t desire as deeply as us. Friends didn’t hurt as painfully as us. Friends didn’t fit together as wonderfully as we did last night.
I had smudges of his fingerprints on my arms from his aggression. I had sore lips from his rough kisses and a heart winging with butterflies from his need.
I’d fallen for his imploring eyes and possessive touches. I’d felt so many, many things.
And just like Jacob had known I’d been with someone else, I’d known he hadn’t been with anyone. Just the way he stared at my nakedness told me the truth. His blatant hunger and disbelief that he finally had the courage to be close to me made my belly clench and soul soar. He’d licked and kissed me and given me pleasure before taking his own.
He was the quintessential, well-mannered country boy with a healthy dose of caveman.
The orgasm he’d given me was the best I’d ever had…not because I was his first or his fingers had never been in another woman or his tongue was virgin on my body, but because his tenderness, eagerness, and sheer-minded determination to make it good for me made me tumble even deeper into love.
Every part of my body felt like crying.
To cry for the incredible way he worshiped me, all while cursing me.
To get on my knees for more. For always. For eternity.
But it had all been a lie.
A horrible, horrible lie.
He’s…gone.
How could he?
How did I not see it coming?
Why did I keep letting him kill me piece by stupid piece?
An hour ago, I’d been wary but hopefully. Content but grateful. Ready to face the man I loved and bargain with him for a life together.
The temple in the bay glittered with golden sunshine as I’d searched for him, looking like an alter for gods not ghosts. I could’ve floated across the turquoise water to give an offering—that was how tentatively happy I’d been.
I hadn’t worried when I’d found an empty bed beside me.
I didn’t grow concerned when I couldn’t find him.
After all, Jacob was reliable. He had employment here, and he wouldn’t let people down just because we’d lived an impossibility last night.
I didn’t expect him to interrupt his life for me. He was a fisherman. He had responsibilities, and I loved that he upheld those responsibilities as diligently as he upheld them at Cherry River.
Last night, Jacob had given in to us. He’d accepted that I loved him. He’d willingly asked for contact and kisses and a connection as old as time.
That was the hardest part, wasn’t it?
He’d crossed the biggest hurdle. We’d been together. His body in my body. His heart against my heart.
Surely, he would find it simple to accept the rest. To see that being alive meant celebrating togetherness, claiming your soul-mate, and loving your best-friend.
Those thoughts kept me trusting as I stood in the warm shallows, daydreaming of a future with horses and husbands, smiling at the boats twinkling in the distance, imagining Jacob on one.
I’d wait all day if I had to. I’d be there when he sailed home, glittering in fish scales and dusted in sea salt, and I’d kiss him so, so deep. I’d prepare a meal for him, I’d bathe him, listen to him, laugh with him, then fall into his arms and his bed.
There was nowhere else I wanted to be.
The beach mirrored back the tentative newness inside me. The sand soft and white, the sky crisp and clear. The world had been washed clean, ready to inscribe anything we wanted.
And in a way, the storm washed away my own transgressions.
I’d cried when I’d called Michael.
I’d felt so dirty breaking up with him on a crackly line with thunder booming overhead. My guilt hung heavy on my shoulders for hurting him.
I’d been a terrible person even as I broke up with him because he deserved someone better—someone who hadn’t given their heart away when they were ten years old. I’d been a lousy girlfriend and deserved to repent.
I was willing to pay that price.
But I didn’t think the cost would be higher than I could pay.
Standing on that beach with a fantastical future within my grasp, karma decided I wasn’t worthy. That I deserved punishment…for everything.
The Balinese man Jacob had fished with yesterday tapped me on the shoulder, ripping apart my daydreams.
I’d spun around with a gentle smile, serene and calm…trusting.
Stupidly, stupidly trusting.
And that was when it happened.
When I died.
When I stopped hoping.
When I stopped existing.
&
nbsp; My heart that had already been fractured far too many times thanks to Jacob, broke for good.
Snap.
Just like that.
All the little cracks here and little cracks there were too weak to weather another blow.
I’d given him my everything last night. I’d fought the inevitable for as long as I could. I’d asked him not to make me do it. I’d warned him what would happen if he took me.
But he hadn’t listened.
He’d taken me, destroyed me…and now…he’d left me.
Left me to the rubble and ruin proving, once and for all, I was still a stupid little girl with stupid little hopes who would never earn a happily ever after with Jacob Ren Wild.
The local fisherman hunched his shoulders with reluctance, pitied me as my smile fell, and then swung a spiritual sledgehammer into my heart.
“Sunyi gone home. Isn’t coming back. He tell me take you to hotel. We leave now.”
I almost buckled to the sand.
I switched from whole to fragmented, tinkling with tiny broken pieces.
I had nothing left. I’d tried everything. I’d held him close and given him all I had to give. I’d hurt others. I’d left my job, my life, my world all to be worthy of him.
And it still wasn’t enough.
Those pieces tumbled to my toes, utterly irreparable.
There would be no more sticky-tape. No glue strong enough in the world to fix what he’d done.
Jacob had gone.
Without a word.
Without a goodbye.
He’d hurt me for the last time.
I was no longer a friend turned lover. I was an unwanted woman in a village where I knew no one, abandoned by the boy she’d pinned all her hopes on.
Shock slowly morphed to rage.
Rage magnified to fury and I couldn’t contain it anymore.
I couldn’t pretend I wasn’t affected as I nodded at the fisherman and somehow made my way back to Jacob’s hut with tear-blind eyes and a dead heart.
Villagers smiled and waved but I just kept walking. Walking until I sank to my knees in front of Jacob’s forgotten suitcase. His scent of grass and sea lingered as I slowly fell out of love into hate.
My hands shook as I reached forward and yanked clothes from the neatly packed case, one after another, throwing them against the wall with tears raining and agony spilling.
The Son & His Hope Page 46