“How could you?!”
A pair of shorts floated to the floor as I tossed them.
“How could you run after last night?”
A pair of flip-flops bashed against the bathroom door.
“You son of a bitch!”
I threw a can of deodorant at the bed.
Needing to destroy something, to destroy him, I rummaged in the bottom of the case, looking for something heavy to throw.
I froze as my fingers latched around something metallic and round.
Pulling it free from boxer-briefs he didn’t need and a sun-faded T-shirt he’d left behind, I gasped as the compass his dead father gave him sat accusing in my palm.
A compass to show direction.
A compass with an inscription to follow Jacob’s true path.
Yet another casualty in Jacob’s disappearance.
A treasured belonging—now a left-behind relic.
A strange, frosty silence filled me, replacing my fragmented heart, transforming my affection with icy annihilation.
This compass meant so much to Jacob. His father was the reason he wouldn’t love me.
If he could leave this behind? I didn’t stand a chance.
Nothing had been more final or so black and white.
A tear plopped off the tip of my nose as my fury receded into emptiness.
So be it.
No more.
I couldn’t keep doing this.
I was done.
Officially. Totally.
Done.
My phone rang, shattering my oppressive ending.
I had no energy. I wanted to stay slumped like a marionette with a compass for her only friend.
But the shrill cell phone demanded I pick up, forcing me from my knees to my feet and dragging me in a stupor to the bedside table.
I didn’t want to talk to anyone.
I wanted to throw the contraption out the window.
But as I glanced at the screen, obligation made me accept the call.
I owed this person an explanation.
I’d tried.
I’d done as she said.
I’d failed.
Holding it to my ear, I sighed and bit back my tears. “Cassie.”
“Hope, thank goodness I got you. I’ve been trying for hours. It wouldn’t connect.”
I shrugged. Was that my fault too? Just as I hadn’t told Jacob about his grandfather was my fault? Or the fact that I wasn’t good enough for Jacob to give me his heart?
I wallowed in my soul-break. “I’m not in the mood to talk, Cassie. He’s gone. He left before I could tell him.”
“Oh, sweetie….what happened?”
Her concern made my back prickle with anger. “Nothing happened.”
“Why do you sound so upset?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Did he hurt you?” Her voice lowered.
“When has he not hurt me?”
“Oh, God, I’m sorry.” She paused before whispering, “Shit, this is all my fault.”
I stood staring at the compass in my hand, clutching it with hatred. The temptation to chuck it through the open door sent fire down my arm. “What do you mean, your fault?”
A hitch in her voice echoed in my ear. “I…I spoke to him a few hours ago.”
I froze. “What?”
“I was calling to talk to you, but he answered instead. I wasn’t expecting it. And…”
“And what?”
“I told him. About his grandfather.”
The strength in my knees gave out. I collapsed onto the bed. “He knows.”
“He knows he has a limited amount of time to get here. Even if he could somehow get here today, I think he’ll be too late.”
“John’s dying?”
Cassie cried quietly. “He’s hours away from leaving us.”
Cold tears trickled down my cheeks, and I knew exactly where Jacob had gone. Why he hadn’t left a note. Why he chose not to wake me.
His fears had come true.
He’d indulged in love for one night, and his grandfather would die because of it.
Death had proven to be stronger than life.
“He’s gone home…to John.” I traced the compass with a shaking thumb. “He might make it.”
Cassie’s voice shuddered. “I hope he does…if he doesn’t, I don’t know what it will do to him.”
I did.
Just like my heart had broken for the last time, Jacob’s would too.
He would no longer be capable of caring.
He’d shut down, give up…die.
A corpse going through the motions of the living, inching closer to the grave he so craved.
Because death was so much simpler than fighting a war with no end.
The compass warmed in my hand. A breeze creaked through the hut, rustling in the thatched roof. Goosebumps ghosted down my arms as a presence touched me.
It felt like a hug from beyond of understanding and acceptance.
It brought freedom. It whispered of release. It felt like Della.
I’d tried to save him for her.
I’d tried to show him happiness for me.
But I’d done all I could, and there was no shame in admitting I wasn’t strong enough.
I closed my eyes and nodded.
My sadness lifted a little, settling into bone-deep scaring. My pain manifested into resolution and sorrow—a recipe I would carry for the rest of my life.
And I knew what I had to do.
I would see Jacob one last time.
I would return to Cherry River.
I would give him his compass so he might find his way.
But then…I would put ghosts to rest, let my heart crumple to dust…
…and move on.
CHAPTER FIFTY
Jacob
* * * * * *
I WAS TOO late.
Grandpa John died six hours before I arrived home at Cherry River.
I’d travelled as fast as I could. I’d caught the soonest plane, paid for the fastest service, and I still hadn’t made it.
From the moment Aunt Cassie asked me to hurry, I’d lived in a tornado of fear and anxiety. The inability to hasten my journey, my incompetence at speaking to Grandpa John on the phone when she’d offered me to say goodbye, my rapidly swirling panic at losing another loved one.
I’d done this.
I’d been the cause of his passing.
I’d believed I could be happy.
Yet someone else had died instead.
It was the last straw.
The final stone on my sorry excuse of a soul.
No more.
Just…no more.
Stepping onto the property where I’d been born, I felt nothing. I’d burned through my panic, I’d used up my frenzied dread, I’d slipped straight past denial.
It was done.
Over.
All of it.
I’d left Cherry River on the wake of a funeral, and now, I returned to attend another.
My home was a cemetery all over again.
Walking over the paddocks I’d been raised on and into a farmhouse where I’d listened to the wisdom of an old man and grown up in the embrace of affection, all I felt was emptiness.
A vast void of hissing emptiness.
Even sadness couldn’t creep into my chest. My heart had forgotten how to feel. And as Aunt Cassie threw herself into my arms and Uncle Chip patted me on the back and Cousin Nina cried quietly in the corner, I couldn’t pretend anymore.
I couldn’t act human when I no longer knew what that was.
I’d stopped being human the moment I stood over a sleeping Hope and left without a goodbye.
I’d left my heart with her.
I’d left my soul in her care.
And I was ready for a coffin as surely as my dead grandfather.
I should hold my family close and grieve with them. I should share antidotes about Grandpa John and shed tears for the dead.
I should think about Hope and the callous way I’d run from her.
I should attempt to fix all the things I had broken.
Instead, I extracted myself from Aunt Cassie’s embrace and went into the bedroom where Grandpa John had died. His body had been removed, but the medical equipment still hung in the corners like mercenaries of suffering.
He must’ve had an in-home carer as the end grew nearer, and the reek of disinfectant and drugs stung my nose.
I sat on the rocking chair where a plaid blanket draped with an embroidered donkey cushion, and I stared at the bed where a brilliant farmer had died.
I waited for some epiphany, some lesson, some way to say goodbye to someone who had already gone.
But that emptiness only grew worse, slithering cold and chilling, freezing me into nothing.
I tried to cry, to feel, to live.
But I had nothing.
No grief.
No regret.
No shame.
Just a severing, sombre silence, cutting me from the world of the living.
I screamed in my mind, searching for a way from the icy loneliness. I ran wild, looking for a way to be what others were.
To be brave.
To call Hope and beg for her forgiveness.
To hug my grandfather one last time.
I did none of those things.
I was a screwed-up, unforgivable bastard who finally got his wish.
I’d wanted to be heartless so I didn’t feel pain.
Congratu-fucking-lations.
I stayed in his room for seven hours.
I studied his empty bed, imagined his body in a lonely morgue, pictured the wake and eulogy.
No one interrupted me.
They all stayed away—conditioned by my behaviour to avoid me.
And I didn’t go to them.
I didn’t seek solace or food; no drink or sleep.
I just stared.
And stared.
And stared.
And when I’d stared enough, I stood and walked out.
I headed to Forrest’s paddock and waited for the rush of guilt for leaving the loyal roan, but as he came to nuzzle me, wuffling in my hair with contentment at having me home, I felt nothing.
No kick of affection. No crush of agony.
Nothing.
I sank to the ground and waited for horse hooves to trample me or lightning to strike me—anything to put me out of this strange, silent misery.
But Forrest merely stood guard, protecting me from things I no longer understood and watched as night fell, casting shadows until finally the darkness claimed me.
Darkness.
An old friend.
A new acquaintance.
The only family where I truly belonged.
CHAPTER FIFTY-ONE
Hope
* * * * * *
“JACOB.”
His eyes shot to where I stood on the threshold of his home.
I didn’t step into the living room. I didn’t take all the years between us for granted that I would be welcome.
Not after the last time we’d seen each other.
Not after twenty-nine hours of travelling and stress and chasing after him like I’d chased him my entire life.
I’d caught three planes, hired a car, and flown and driven more miles than I could count.
But where Jacob Wild was concerned, those years and distance meant nothing.
Our past meant nothing.
We were nothing.
I understood that now.
Every time he mellowed and allowed me to be his friend, I’d believed progress had been made. But really, only a temporary truce had been formed. Once we returned to our separate worlds, we became strangers once again.
And as a stranger, I had no right to worry about him.
No obligation to hurt over his hurt or cry over his pain.
There was no smashing his walls and being accepted. There was only chip, chip, chipping away, knowing full well whatever progress I made would be undone the moment we said goodbye.
And this?
It was our final goodbye.
“What are you doing here?” He wiped his face with both hands, coming toward me and the open doors. He looked haggard and weathered as if he hadn’t slept in weeks.
No sign of the boy I might have been able to save. Only a man I’d lost to his demons.
I hadn’t been to see Cassie yet.
I hadn’t told my father I’d flown halfway around the world.
I’d merely followed Jacob to the end.
“You left something behind. I wanted to return it to you.”
I hated how, even with all my promises and declarations to move on, my fragmented heart still tried to piece itself back together. To be whole enough to cure him all while being too injured to be repaired.
I’d been with him a single night.
I’d had more than any other woman would be allowed.
And for that, I was grateful.
I wasn’t grateful for the pain or the hole he’d left behind, but I was thankful he’d trusted me enough to be with me.
“I didn’t leave you behind, Hope. I had no choice but to come.” The monotone of his voice sent icicles through my blood. He sounded vacant and as empty as I felt.
“I didn’t mean me.” I flinched, enduring the pain.
The pain that Della had warned me about. The pain that was the price to share time and space with Jacob…but it was finally too hard to bear.
His forehead furrowed. He stepped from his home to face me on the deck. “What did I leave behind?”
Reaching into my bag, blinking with travel-gritty eyes and a brain fuzzy from lack of sleep, I pulled out his compass.
I expected him to stiffen. To wince. To show some emotion of leaving his precious belonging behind. He merely sighed as if I’d brought another death to his door and held out his hand. “Thanks.”
Tears caught in my throat as I placed the cool metal into his grip. “Have you lost your way so much you’re not even grateful to see your father’s compass?”
He didn’t make eye contact. Didn’t reply.
Eleven years of knowing him.
Multiple moments of kinship.
A few indescribable days of friendship.
A single night of togetherness.
And the awful knowledge that Jacob Wild would never love me.
I already knew that.
I’d lived with that knowledge for over a decade.
But I still wanted to sob in that moment.
“I’m sorry about your grandfather.”
He nodded, still staring at the ground. “Thanks.”
“I should’ve been braver and told you the moment I saw you.”
“Wouldn’t have changed anything.”
I bit back tears. “When…when is the funeral?”
He shrugged. “Not sure. Aunt Cassie is arranging it.”
“You’re not helping?”
He caught my eye. “I’m helping by staying away.”
“She’ll want you close, Jacob. Family should be close at times like this.”
He didn’t move. “She has Chip and Nina. And her brothers Liam and Adam.”
I should go.
I should walk away with my heartbreak tucked in my handbag and my tears hidden from view, but this was the last time I would ever see him.
And I had to know.
“I’ve loved you since I was a little girl. I would’ve waited forever for you to love me back.”
He placed his hands into his jeans pockets, the compass vanishing into the depths. “You were right.”
“About what?”
“Being together was a mistake. I should’ve stopped.”
I nodded on reflex, buffering against the hurt. “Did you feel anything for me that night? Anything at all?”
His face darkened. “I can’t answer that, Hope. I can’t give you what you want.”
“How can you be so sure when you haven’
t even tried?”
For an eternal second, he just stared. Stared and stared and stared as if he could delete the truth before finding the courage to admit it. “I have. I have tried.”
And that broke me even more.
Because that meant he’d tried to love me and failed.
He’d attempted to give me his heart and couldn’t.
Gasoline added to my shattered pieces and caught fire, incinerating the final shards of hope.
I looked at the heavens, then looked down at hell and nodded. “Okay, Jacob.”
He didn’t even apologise. Didn’t say a word.
But I had enough for both of us.
Curling my hands, I studied him, committing him to memory. “You won’t see me again. All I ever wanted was to be there for you, but you were never there for me. I left my life, my work, my boyfriend the moment Cassie asked me to find you. I gave up everything for you, over and over again. I let you trample my heart. I allowed you excuse after excuse for your behaviour. I nursed my patience and schooled my annoyance and believed that one day, one day, I would be rewarded because you’d finally see that no one will love you the way I do. No one will understand you the way I do. But I have nothing left to give. You truly are alone now, aren’t you? Just like you always wanted.”
Brushing aside awful tears, I held my head higher. “I want you to know—it wasn’t your moods or temper that pushed me away. It’s this. Right now. Your indifference. Your cold-heartedness when I’m pouring out my soul to you.”
Backing up, I shook my head. “I actually feel sorry for you. Sorry that you’ve already died before you’ve experienced life. You’re happier to live a life of solitude than be brave enough to try. But that’s on you now because I’m done.”
I cried openly, unable to stop the thick wash of grief. “I’m leaving you, Jacob Ren Wild. And I’m never coming back. You’ve gotten your wish. I’m dead to you. Just another person you used to know. A memory that will slowly fade.”
I trembled so badly my teeth chattered as I hugged myself before him.
I hugged myself because he would never hug me.
I comforted myself because he didn’t know how.
And I waited for a single moment.
For one sign that he’d been affected by what I’d said. For one hint of redemption.
But he just stood there as if I’d shot him with bullets instead of goodbyes.
The Son & His Hope Page 47