“Just go now,” I whispered. “I don’t want to hear what you have to say.”
“Please, Hope.” His pinkie kissed mine again.
I jerked my hand away.
He shook his head with a sad smirk, deeply desolate. “I just lied. I have no intention of going anywhere…even if you yell and scream at me, I’m not leaving.”
My eyes narrowed. “You don’t have a choice.”
“I do. I do have a choice.”
“You threw that choice away when you left me in Bali.”
His head hung, contrition and regret painting every bone and muscle. “I know.”
My lower lip wobbled as I fought back anger. “You got your wish. You’re free of me.”
His eyes snapped to mine. “I’ll never be free of you. I don’t want to be free of you.”
Stop it!
“I don’t care anymore. I want to be free of you. So just walk out that door and do what you’re so good at doing.” I leaned forward, bracing myself on the bed. “Run away, Jacob Wild. Run away.”
I expected him to rise to my challenge. To fight my anger with his own. Instead, he stayed calm, his voice slipping into a soft murmur. “I deserved that. I deserve everything you have to say to me.”
“Everything, huh? How about I’ll never forgive you for leaving me? For sleeping with me when I begged you not to? For flying away without even saying goodbye?”
“I was wrong. I was an idiot.”
“Idiot is too light a word for what you are.”
He nodded. “True again. How about imbecile? That has a nice ring to it.”
I crossed my arms. “What are you doing?”
“What do you mean?”
“Why are you agreeing with me?”
“Because you’re right. And I’m wrong.”
“Since when?”
“Since now.”
I huffed. I hated that I was in bed, unable to run away from him. “I’m not playing this game with you. Just leave me alone.”
“You want me to leave you alone after you’ve made me fall madly in love with you?” He pressed against the steel frame of my mattress. “I’m sorry, but that’s not going to happen.” He sat on the edge of the bed, scooting my cast over to make room for his size. “I’m not leaving you ever again, and you sure as hell aren’t leaving me.”
My body locked down.
Did he just say he’s in love with me?
When I didn’t speak, Jacob murmured, “Leaving you in Bali was the worst thing I’ve ever done. I regretted it instantly, but my heart…it stopped working the moment I heard about Grandpa John.” He raked a hand through his hair. “I’m not telling you this to excuse my behaviour. I’m not seeking your forgiveness. I’m telling you this because you deserve to know. Deserve to know that I love you. I’m in love with you. I have been for years, but I’ve been too weak to admit it.”
I couldn’t breathe.
This was too much. This wasn’t him. It wasn’t real. My concussion played tricks on me. The drugs were hallucinogenic. “Wha-what did you just say?”
He stole my hand, holding it tight with dry, masculine strength. “You heard me.”
“I—” I closed my eyes, ears ringing. “I don’t understand.”
“What’s not to understand?” He squeezed my fingers as I tried to wriggle free. “I love y—”
“Stop saying that.” I tore my hand free, wiping it on the sheets as if he’d contaminated me with whatever illness he suffered from. “I don’t know what’s going on, but this isn’t real.”
“It’s real. I’m real. And I’m telling you I’m in—”
“Stop!” I pressed my temples. “I can’t handle this. I need you to leave. Can you do that? If you truly love me, you’ll leave me alone.”
He smiled softly, kindly—with more emotion and love than I’d ever seen. It transformed him from temperamental loner to brave friend.
A friend who loves me.
“It’s because I love you that I have no intention of walking out that door.”
“Why?”
“Why won’t I leave you?”
“No, why do you love me? Why now? Because you think that’s what I want to hear? That I deliberately did this to myself to force such a declaration?” I glowered. “I had an accident. That’s all. It’s nothing to do with you.”
“I love you, Hope Jacinta Murphy. I love you because I’ve run out of reasons why I shouldn’t.”
“That sounds as if you’re angry about it.”
“I am.” He nodded. “I’m terrified. But it doesn’t mean I can change it or that I want to. It’s done.” His eyes burned into mine. “So I hope you’ve enjoyed your little hospital stay because it’s the last time you’ll ever be away from me.”
I looked at the closed door, contemplating if I should scream for my doctor. To demand he remove this crazy person from my bedside.
The tug to believe in this fantasy grew stronger.
The hope that this might be true crippled me to give in.
But I couldn’t.
I’d given in far too many times.
I’d loved Jacob too painfully to do it again.
My shoulders slouched and tears prickled. “Please…just go away.”
He reached forward, his thumb tracing my cheekbone, wiping away a single tear. “Never again. I promise this will be the last time I make you cry.”
I ripped my face from his touch. “Why are you doing this?”
He dropped his hand to his lap. “I had some sense knocked into me.”
My head throbbed harder. “What does that mean?”
“It means I was told you were dead.”
I sucked in a breath. “Who would tell you such an awful thing?”
“If you stop asking questions, I’ll tell you.”
My teeth gritted.
His smile was totally at odds to this strange conversation, yet so perfect. The smile said he truly did love me. He was exasperated that I wouldn’t accept it but patient enough to convince me.
I just didn’t know if I wanted convincing when I didn’t trust him to stay.
“I came here as a favour to your father,” he said softly. “I believed, when you drove away from Cherry River, that I was doing the right thing by letting you go. That I couldn’t survive giving you what you needed. But when he called, Hope? Fuck, it all came crashing down, and I finally understood. I didn’t have a choice. I’d never had a choice because I’d already fallen for you. I’d already claimed you as mine.”
“I’m not yours.”
“But you are. You have been since that night we first met.”
“No.” I shook my head. “You could have had me, but you turned me down. Not once, not twice…I’ve forgotten how many times you pushed me away. But you don’t have to push me away now because I’m done, do you hear me?”
“I’m not pushing you away, Hope. I’m asking you to give me another chance.”
“No more chances.” I blinked back tears. “I have no more to give.”
“Yet you’ll crash your car and let some nurse tell me you’re dead?”
“Excuse me?” My mouth fell open. “Oh, I’m sorry. You’re saying that’s my fault?”
Whoa, the audacity.
My crutches were in reaching distance. He deserved a good swat on the head.
He didn’t stiffen, challenge, or rebuff. He just nodded in that sage, wise way. A blanket of calm and acceptance over him. Nothing at all like the Jacob I used to know. “Hearing you’d died brought me to my knees, Hope.” His voice was barely audible as he studied my cast. “I might have come on behalf of your father, but that’s the biggest lie I could tell. I came here for me. I came for all the mistakes I’ve made and all the—”
“I didn’t ask you to come.”
He ignored me, carrying on as if I hadn’t spoken. “I came because I knew I would rather have you for the shortest time than not at all. I finally understand why my parents accepted such pain. But by the time I
arrived at the hospital, I was losing my mind. When the nurse couldn’t find your record, I steadily suffocated with panic. And when she told me you were dead?” He shrugged with such dejection, my heart wept. “I broke.”
The sentence hung monstrous and honest between us, sinking heavily to the floor while Jacob sucked in a breath and I stayed deathly silent.
He didn’t meet my eyes as he confessed, “I lost everything when I lost you. Everything I’ve been running from, my fears, my triggers, my unresolved grief—it all found me. I-I’m not proud of what happened. I hate that people saw me that way, knowing the gossipers will spread my breakdown with glee. I wish I weren’t so fucked up that it took two doctors and a syringe to put me out of my misery. But I—”
“Wait…” I jerked. “They…sedated you?”
He gave me a wry smile. “Something like that.”
“Are you okay?”
He gave me the most adoring smile. “Even after everything I’ve done to you, you still ask if I’m okay.”
My body reacted to the echoes of shame and sorrow in his tone. My arms begged to hug him. My heart cried to love him. I still had the undying need to offer sanctuary and comfort.
But those were lies.
Jacob had suffered a panic attack.
That’s all.
He was cracked open and vulnerable. His emotions frayed and existence tested. He might mean what he said. He might believe he would stand by his declarations.
But I knew how strong his safety mechanisms were. Once he’d patched up his hurt and hidden away his tears, he wouldn’t be able to be so unguarded again.
He’d push me from his heart.
He’d gather himself in loneliness because that was all he’d ever known.
“I can’t do this, Jacob,” I whispered. “I can’t put myself through this again.”
He froze. “But—”
“Please…you have to let me go.” I forced myself to meet his eyes, tears streaming down my cheeks. “I’m not strong enough.”
“But I love you.”
“It’s not enough.”
Familiar temper glittered in his onyx gemstone eyes. “What is enough? What do I have to do to prove to you that I’m serious?”
“I—”
The door swung open.
Dr Jorge bustled in with his e-tablet and large physique. “Ah, sorry. Thought you’d left and this room was free.” He glanced between Jacob and me. Saw my tears. Read Jacob’s anger.
He backed over the threshold. “Um, sorry to interrupt, but we have another patient that requires this room.” He hugged his tablet to his chest like armour as he reached for the door handle. “Everything okay?”
I nodded curtly as Jacob shook his head.
We spoke at the same time.
“No.”
“Yes.”
The doctor frowned. “Well…anything I can do to help?” He looked at his watch. “I can delay the other patient, I suppose.”
“No, it’s fine.” I swiped at my tears and swung my legs—cast and all—to the floor. I braced myself for the pain, realising too late I’d climbed off the wrong side. My crutches mocked me against the wall.
Damn.
Jacob noticed. Grabbing the two sticks, he brought them around the bed for me. “Here.”
I didn’t thank him.
Taking the crutches stiffly, I placed them under my arms. My first step forward was awkward, and Jacob hovered behind me, ready to catch me, willing to hurt me even more with his consideration.
My back prickled from his stare as I straightened my spine and hopped faster. I moved toward Dr Jorge. “Don’t worry. We’re leaving.”
“Okay then. See you for a check-up soon.” He stepped sideways so I could hop from the room and do my best to run from this hospital.
The hospital that had taken Jacob’s family.
The hospital that kept me prisoner in Jacob’s care.
By the time I made it outside, the sun hurt my concussed head, and I hissed between my teeth with discomfort. Jacob jogged ahead of me, vanishing amongst a row of parked cars.
A snarl of an ancient growly engine reached my ears just before Jacob swung in front of me in his truck. Climbing out, he opened the passenger door and gave me a stern smile. “Get in.”
“No.”
“We’re not finished with this conversation.”
“We are. I’m going to a hotel.”
“Get in the car, or I’ll throw you in myself.”
My chin came up, my hands squeezing my padded crutches. “Call your aunt. I’ll stay with her until my dad arrives.”
His jaw clenched as his fist latched around the door. “Give me time to talk to you. Give me that, and if you still hate my guts, I’ll drive you wherever you want to go. Even if it’s across borders and continents.”
I studied him.
I hated and loved him.
I lost to the soul-deep plea in his gaze.
“One hour. But once we’ve talked, it’s over.”
“Okay.”
“Good.” I sniffed.
And in that emptiness following a single word, Jacob stepped into me, his chest brushed my chest, his eyes found my lips, and his heart offered me to take it.
One simple word.
Four tiny letters.
An entire lifetime of love behind it.
His hand cupped my cheek, and his forehead kissed mine. “Fine.”
CHAPTER FIFTY-FIVE
Hope
* * * * * *
FOR THE PAST two hours, Jacob had avoided the so-called conversation we were meant to have. He’d driven me back to his place, placed pillows on his couch, layered me with blankets, snacks, and the TV remote, then vanished in his dinged-up truck to who knew where.
So much for only being here an hour.
When he returned, he carted grocery bags to the kitchen he most likely hadn’t cooked in since leaving Cherry River four years ago and proceeded to prepare something to eat.
I pretended to ignore him.
Whenever I felt his eyes on me, I studied whatever stupid show played on the TV. Whenever he cleared his throat as if looking for a right sentence to begin yet another fight, I turned up the volume and hunkered down in my blankets.
I wanted to be invisible.
But when my head hurt, he gave me painkillers.
When my broken leg ached, he gently positioned a cushion beneath it.
I merely had to wince, and he was there, doing his best to eradicate my pain.
I’d never been so fussed over, so watched or loved or wanted.
It made me cry deep inside because I’d wanted that sort of care all along.
I’d wanted the give and take of a true connection.
The domestication of lovers and friends with rolling meadows all around us, forests sheltering us, and the knowledge that we belonged to one another.
If one hurt, the other found a cure. If one was tired, the other let them rest.
A partnership until death did us part.
To see what such a life could be like with Jacob left my heart in a steady flux of throbbing agony. Whenever I looked at him in the kitchen or smelled the delicious scents of butter and pesto or caught him staring at me as if he wanted to kiss me stupid and then drag me back to his bedroom, it upset me in the most agonising way.
I thought he couldn’t hurt me any more than what he’d done in Bali.
I’d been wrong.
This was where pain manifested.
This was where I fell apart piece by piece.
Right there on Jacob Wild’s couch.
“Dinner’s ready.” He skipped his stare over me, cocking his head at the dining room table. Placing two plates on the wooden surface and returning to the kitchen for salt, pepper, and a carafe of water, he finally came to a stop before me. “Do you need help getting up?”
I flinched. I didn’t want him touching me, but unfortunately, I needed his strength.
The bruises from the crash ste
adily became known as time passed. My hip hurt. My knee. My ankle.
Gritting my teeth, I held out a hand, wordlessly accepting his assistance.
He shot forward as if I’d finally given him permission to everything he wanted. Ignoring my outstretched hand, he wrapped his arms around me, plucking me effortlessly from the couch.
Standing in his embrace, our eyes knotted, and I sucked in a breath.
He was so warm and strong and reeked of protection and affection. If I were weaker, I’d lay my head on his shoulder and be done with it.
I’d accept whatever scraps he could give me.
I’d be the old Hope who happily took heartache for a snippet of his love.
But I was jaded these days.
I wasn’t the idealistic girl who believed horses and farmers could fix everything.
I knew the truth, and the truth was Jacob would always be a loner.
Pushing him away, I reached for my crutches.
He let me go with a heavy sigh, moving to pull a chair from the table for me. I sat as nimbly as I could with my cast sticking out in front of me and hated the way he scooted me closer to the table like a child. Hated the way he bent down and placed a kiss on my hair, his nose nuzzling me far longer than permitted.
Goosebumps darted down my arms as he kissed me again, then headed to his own chair and the delicious looking avocado, pesto pasta he’d created.
Cracking some salt onto his plate, he looked up. “Want some?”
I shook my head, spearing a piece of penne and placing it on my tongue.
The awkwardness of everything unsaid between us squeezed viciously around my ribs. It made food taste like ash and time tick as slowly as centuries.
We ate in silence; the TV a quiet drone behind me.
Jacob had brought me here to talk. He effectively held me prisoner, and I didn’t know how much longer I could take.
I’d never felt welcome in his home.
It was even worse now.
Halfway through my meal, I asked, “Are you going to say anything or just pretend you didn’t kidnap me?”
He looked up with a soft smirk. “I didn’t kidnap you.”
“Does anyone else know I’m here?”
“Your father.”
“Cassie?”
The Son & His Hope Page 50