He shook his head.
“It’s getting late, Jacob.” I pushed aside my half-eaten dinner. “I want to rest.”
“My bed is clean. Fresh sheets and blankets. I can help you shower if you want.”
I laughed coldly. “You’re not helping me shower, and I’m definitely not sleeping in your bed.”
“I’d take the spare,” he grumbled. “If you can’t stand the thought of sharing with me.”
“I can’t stay in this house. Call Cassie and ask if I can stay with her. My father won’t be much longer, I’m sure.”
He shot to his feet, snatching my dinner plate and carrying both into the kitchen. They clattered as he tossed them into the sink. “I know I deserve your temper, Hope, but fuck it’s hard to keep mine in check and not start a fight with you.”
I swivelled around to face him.
He stood with both hands braced on either side of the sink. His shoulders bunched and lips thin, his muscles taut and ready to battle.
I did my best to stay calm. “I’m not trying to draw you into a fight.”
“Then stop giving me the silent treatment.”
“The indifferent treatment, don’t you mean?” I pinned him with a deliberate stare. “Doesn’t feel nice, does it? To have someone you care about just shut you out. No anger. No connection. Nothing but coldness. How are you supposed to fight with coldness? You can’t.”
“So you’re giving me a dose of my own medicine, is that it?” He stalked toward me, fists by his sides.
I scrambled upright, grabbing my crutches and shuffling backward. “I’m not doing anything. I’m merely waiting until I can leave.”
“We need to talk.”
“We talked enough at the hospital.”
“We didn’t even begin.” He came closer.
I moved toward the corridor and the bedrooms, hopping backward gingerly. My cast clunked on the hardwood floor as I navigated the space. “I don’t want to do this again, Jacob.”
“I told you I’m in love with you. I expected some resistance but not a flat-out refusal to accept.”
“Then you have no idea how much you truly hurt me.”
He sighed with torment etching him. “I’m beginning to see that now.”
“Good.”
His eyes narrowed on mine. “What can I do to make you believe I’m in love with you?”
Words sank into my stomach, leaving me mute—giving him the opportunity to sneak closer.
I scrambled backward, stupidly slamming against a wall.
He caged me in, hands landing by my ears with a thud. “I love you, Hope. I think I’ve loved you since the moment I met you. I was just too fucking afraid to admit it.”
I couldn’t breathe.
Why was he doing this? Why was he determined to be so awfully cruel?
Tears pricked my eyes as I tried to look away but couldn’t.
“I’m sorry,” he murmured. “Eternally sorry for all that I put you through.”
Tinder sparked, setting fire to my blood. “Don’t you dare apologise. I don’t want your apology.”
“But you need to hear it. You need to hear everything that I’m saying. You need to believe me when I say I’m never leaving you again.”
“That’s because I’m the one who’s walking away this time.”
He chuckled, staring at my cast. “You won’t be walking anywhere for a while.”
“You know what I mean.” I glowered.
“I know what you mean.” He nodded. “But I hope you don’t.”
“Why? Why this sudden change of heart? You could’ve kept me forever. We could’ve started a life together the moment we slept together in Bali. But you didn’t want me then, and you don’t want me now. Do you feel guilty all of a sudden? Do you feel like you owe me?” I breathed hard. “I’m sorry about your grandfather, I truly am. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about him when I first found you. Perhaps if I had, you would’ve been home in time to say goodbye. I’m sorry for all of it, but I can’t be what you want because you don’t even know what that is.”
“I do know what I want. It’s you.” His nose kissed mine. “I know I ruined what happened between us. I know I hurt you by leaving. But you have to know what that night meant to me. I’m sure you guessed I was a virgin. And I would’ve stayed one until my dying day if I didn’t want you more than my own sanity.”
“Is that supposed to be a compliment?”
“It’s supposed to show you how much I love you. How much I need you.” He leaned against me, wedging his hips into mine. The piece of him I’d only touched briefly steadily hardened the longer we stayed pressed together. “Can’t you feel that, Hope? Can’t you see how much I mean it when I say I love—”
“Argh!” I ducked under his arm, shoving him away from me. My crutches smashed to the ground, leaving me to scuttle along the wall for balance. “Enough. Okay? Enough.”
“Why? Because I’m finally getting through to you? Finally making you believe?”
“You’re driving me crazy.”
“Good. You drive me crazy all the damn time.”
“You’re impossible.”
“No, I’m in love. Big difference.” He followed me, step for step. His bedroom offered salvation. If I could throw myself inside and lock the door, I could be free of this madness.
I could sit and weep and wait for my father to take me away like he did when I was younger. I could place my problems in some other person’s control so I didn’t have to suffer.
I wanted to believe Jacob so, so much.
I wanted to let down my walls and open my arms to him.
I wanted to smile and cry and tell him he’d won.
That I loved him too.
I always would.
But I couldn’t because I knew what would happen.
He believed he’d changed.
I believed he couldn’t.
The fear that he would forever be the boy who’d spent the past eleven years pushing me away was too painful to ignore.
I would end up being the Michael of the relationship—the victim instead of the villain. I’d made Michael believe we were equals. That his heart bought my heart and our togetherness was on mutual grounds.
He hadn’t known my true thoughts. He never guessed my love for him wasn’t like the love he had for me.
I’d been a terrible, terrible person. I deserved to love someone more than they loved me because that was the punishment required, but then again, I’d already lived that sentence. Most of my life, I’d lived it, and I didn’t want to live it anymore.
My shoulders fell, and I stopped trying to inch away. “I know you think you love me, Jacob, but you don’t. Not really.”
“Don’t tell me what I do or don’t feel, Hope.”
“Well, don’t ask me to believe in fantasises.”
“You’re really starting to get on my nerves.” His eyes tightened. “I lived through your death. I know what it feels like to lose you. Truly, truly lose you. And if you think you’re going to take away my right to love you—after I’ve been through that agony—then you don’t know me very well.”
“I know you plenty. I know you too well. That’s why I’m saying—”
“You’re not saying anything—unless it’s that you love me back.”
“Threats won’t make me love you, you know.”
He grumbled under his breath. “You won’t win this argument. You loved me when we spent the night together. You still love me even though you hate me right now. I can wait. I can grovel. I can show you that things have changed between us because I know what it feels like to lose you and—”
“Stop repeating that. You’re saying my ‘death’ didn’t hurt you as much as you feared? Therefore, you can love me because…what? My dying won’t break you apart like your parents’ death did?” My voice hitched as a tear escaped my control.
His temper gathered power. He stomped toward me, slamming his hands against the wall, trapping me once again. �
�You’re not listening. That’s not what I’m saying at all.” His voice was more of a growl, twisting my stomach with hunger and hesitation.
“It’s not important.” Another tear rolled from my lashes. “I just need to leave.”
“You’re not leaving. I told you that. You’re stuck with me for life.”
Exhaustion fell over me. “I’m tired, Jacob. Just please…leave me alone.” I was tired from the accident and tired from dealing with him for eleven eternally long years. When I’d wanted him to fight for me, he never did. Now, when I wanted him to let me go, he refused.
He tangled me up and made me spin.
And I was tired of this. So, so tired.
“Thinking you were dead was the worst thing I’ve ever felt, Hope. I wanted to die too. My system overloaded. I…anyway, it doesn’t matter. What does matter is I realised, despite my issues, I am strong enough to love you. I love you. I love you so fucking much, and I need you way more than you need me.” His head bowed, his lips seeking mine. “All I’m asking is for you to believe me.”
I turned my mouth away at the last second, wincing as he kissed my cheek. “Believe you?”
He licked my skin as another droplet of sadness trickled free.
He nodded, pressing his body along mine. “Please.”
I shuddered. “What’s to stop you from changing your mind tomorrow? What if you decide it’s not worth the grief, after all?”
“I won’t. It’s not possible.” He tried to kiss me again.
I avoided it, earning half a kiss and a lusty growl. “I know what will happen, Jacob. I’ll fall for you until I can’t live without you. I’ll accept all your moods and messes. I’ll agree to be with you forever. But then, when it gets hard or we fight or something sets off your triggers, you’ll shove me from your life all over again.”
He pulled back a little, his dark eyes gleaming with ferocity. “You’re right about my triggers.”
I wanted to cry harder. “Exactly.”
“But I won’t let them rule my life anymore.”
For the first time, a spark of hope appeared. “And how exactly are you going to do that?”
He reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper with a name on it. “This is a therapist. I’m…I’m going to make an appointment to see him.”
Softness did its best to replace my hardness. “I’m happy for you. I’m glad you’re ready to accept help. I truly hope it makes your life more bearable. But…it’s too late for us. I…I can’t trust you. You’ve broken it too many times.”
He rubbed his heart as if I’d stabbed him through the chest. “I can see why you wouldn’t trust me.”
“Zero trust.” I held up a circle with my fingers. “None.”
“I hurt you badly when I sent you away at my mother’s funeral.”
“Hurt me? You ripped out my heart and buried it with her.”
His gaze fell to my cast. “I have so much to make up to you.”
“Stop doing that.”
His head tipped up, his sorrowful gaze swirling with honesty. “Stop what?”
“Agreeing with me like you did at the hospital. It’s making it hard to have a proper fight with you.”
“But you’re right. You deserved better.”
“I don’t care. It’s making me uncomfortable.”
“Well, accept it because I don’t want to fight with you. Not anymore.”
“And I don’t want to fight with you either.” I sighed. “So please…just let me go.”
His voice dropped to barely audible. “Please, Hope. I’m begging you…give me another chance.”
The tiny pieces of my heart lurched to give him whatever he wanted. But I gritted my teeth and shook my head instead. “I still love you, Jacob, but I don’t want to love you anymore. If you love me like you say you do, you’ll let me go.”
His eyes flared. “You can’t mean that.”
“I do.”
He stood, towering over me. His hands curled into fists, falling by his sides. “You’re asking me to rip out my heart the very moment I finally have one strong enough to give to you.”
Tears rained faster. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t do this, Hope.”
“I have no choice.”
He chewed his lip, looking wildly around the corridor as if something could make me change my mind. His chest rose and fell, quicker and quicker until his entire body trembled. Clenching his jaw, he closed his eyes and inhaled hard through his nose, getting his system under control, refusing to give in to the panic attack.
The fact I had power over him to cause such strife almost made me throw myself into his arms. To apologise. To tell him of course I wanted him. Of course I loved him. How stupid of me to convince him I wanted to live an empty life without him.
But he opened his eyes and a glint of something I’d never seen before rendered him unreachable. His hands came up, he imprisoned my cheeks, and his mouth smashed on mine with a violence he’d always kept leashed.
I stumbled as he hoisted me into his arms, dragging me into his bedroom with my cast bumping against his legs and his tongue hunting mine with heat.
A gush of anger and relief, rage and lust hijacked my control as I threw my arms around his neck, wordlessly agreeing to this attack. Giving in one last time.
I would stay firm to my word.
After.
I would walk away.
After.
But…I wanted him.
I wanted a true and final goodbye.
“Hope,” he grunted as he tumbled onto his bed, cradling me protectively. The moment we were horizontal, he spun me around and wedged me on my back.
My cast couldn’t stop the pain in my leg or the throbbing in my head, and I flinched as he kissed me harder.
His hand skated down my body, squeezing my breast and pinching my nipple. There was nothing seductive or sensual.
Our fight had spilled into sex, and it echoed with arguments and frustrations.
In a knot of body parts and fury, we permitted ourselves to drop our barriers and tangle with tempers. To be furious with one another. To be brutal and unkind and honest.
Honest about all the hurt we caused.
And the knowledge that we’d only cause more because we weren’t meant to be.
I struggled to accept such heartbreak as his teeth caught my lower lip, sharp and punishing. I bit him back, nipping him all while nervous need fluttered in my stomach. I’d always feared Jacob would overwhelm me if we collided this way.
And I was right.
Before, I would’ve embraced his torment. I would’ve dropped my guard and been as wild as he—I would’ve entered the war he wanted to lavish.
Now, I just wanted to be selfish and take what he had to give me, all while begging my heart not to get involved.
This was purely an ending to a decade-long dance.
I gasped as Jacob cupped my head with both hands, his fingers slipping through my hair. His eyes caught mine, desperate and dark, daring me to deny him.
I wouldn’t deny him because I was sick enough to crave him even when I hated him.
“This is where you belong, Hope. Right here. In my bed.”
I didn’t reply.
Our eyes battled before he finally sank over me, his mouth seeking mine in a vicious, brutal kiss.
One hand stayed locked in my hair, keeping me trapped for his plundering mouth while the other skated down my body. My clothes were wrinkly and travel-worn. Smudged with dirt from my accident and reeking of hospital, but none of that mattered as Jacob grabbed the hem of my grey skirt and hoisted it up to my hips.
He breathed hard as he looped his fingers in my underwear, his nails grazing the delicate skin on my hipbone. “Every night for the rest of our lives, I’m going to make love to you. I’m going to take my time to show you how much you are loved and remind you as the sun goes down that I will never hurt you again.” His lips sought mine, feeding the words deep into my heart while I
squirmed in his hold.
“But tonight, I can’t wait. Tonight isn’t about showing you I love you. Tonight is about showing you I literally can’t breathe unless you are mine.”
With a yank, he pulled my underwear down, growling under his breath when they caught on my cast. “Goddammit.”
Wriggling, I helped him unhook the material, moaning as he got them off and pressed me into the mattress with his bulk between my thighs.
“I love you, Hope.” His hand dived between my legs, finding me hot and wet.
It took everything I had not to repeat the vow to him.
He attacked my mouth with a feral kiss as he stroked me, pinched me, then slowly inserted a finger inside me.
My back bowed. My nails latched onto his lower back. I didn’t want to show him the power he had over me, but my willpower rapidly unravelled.
His kiss scrambled my mind as he rocked his touch inside me. I couldn’t stop the rush of urgency as I fumbled with his belt buckle, undoing the well-worn leather and unzipping his jeans.
He groaned as I pushed the denim down his butt along with his boxer-briefs. The moment his hot, naked flesh stuck to mine, I grabbed his hard length.
His entire body shot rigid. His face nuzzled into my hair as his hips rocked, seeking more of my touch.
I squeezed him hard, wanting to hurt him while also showing him we were equally matched in bed. He could make me come undone, but I could make him do the same.
“That feels so good,” he breathed into my ear as I stroked him up and down, my skin sizzling with how hot he was.
“I want you,” he grunted. “Only you. Always you.”
I squeezed my eyes from more tears. The timbre and truth of his voice almost made me believe it.
Unfortunately, where I had limited jurisdiction over my heart, I had no control over my body. Not a scrap of authority as I turned shuddery and shivery and opened my legs wider in invitation.
This is just physical.
It means nothing.
Liar.
His grip on my hair tightened, tugging my head back so he could attack and kiss his way down my throat.
My cream T-shirt didn’t protect me from the hot dampness of his mouth as he sucked my nipple through the material.
A flood of wetness crested through me.
He groaned as he inserted a second finger inside me, and I pumped him faster.
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