First Loves: A Collection of Three YA Novels

by Jolene Perry

  Dad’s brown eyes stare into my darker ones. He’s pretty much hit on everything—aside from my disastrous day today. The signs of that incident are hiding under a book, a pile of ice, my hoodie, and what I hope is a perfectly neutral expression.

  “Dad, I think your job as a shrink is bleeding into your role as my father. And honestly.” I smirk. “I’m a little concerned.” Ha! Diversion. That should be good.

  He smiles. “Fine. But I’m worried about you. I’m not a shrink, I’m a therapist. And please, please, if something’s going on let me or your mother know, okay?” He stands up, his eyes still on me, waiting for a response.

  “Okay.” I give him what I hope is another relaxed, reassuring smile as he steps out of my room. Then I allow myself to flop back over.

  Talk to my mother? Funny. As much as I love my mom, she doesn’t notice things.

  If I did tell Dad about what’s going on, all he’d do is overreact. No one wants to hear about their little girl trying to come up with the courage to have sex. And both of them would freak if they knew what happened with Shawn today. I’m still sort of freaked about it. Even though I know it was a total fluke.

  ~ ~ ~

  The bruise just above my wrist is a startling rainbow of purple and blue, and shots of pain go up my arm as I turn my hand. My chest aches at the thought of Shawn so angry, and I have to blink back tears. If I didn’t have a bruise to prove it, I might not believe Shawn could do something like this. He hurt me. The Shawn who loves me, hurt me.

  I run my good hand through my dresser drawers, throwing everything onto my bed in frustration. Now I’m on the floor, and searching the depths of my closet. I jerk out an old white, long sleeved tee.

  It’s like I’m suddenly in someone else’s life. In desperate need of distraction, I slide on my shirt, making sure the sleeves are long enough for my lanky arms. When I check the mirror my eyes are only slightly red. I suck in a deep breath. Okay. I can do this.

  I hoist my bag carefully onto my shoulders. My wrist isn’t broken because I can move my hand, but he held on a lot tighter than I thought he did when it happened. I’m not sure where we stand right now. We didn’t talk or text after he left last night.

  When I open my front door Shawn’s standing there, quiet, with his hands in his pockets.

  Waiting.

  I suck in a breath. My heart flutters in nerves.

  His eyes are soft, sad, and sorry. And I’m more shocked than mad, really. Maybe everything yesterday caught us both by surprise. Seeing his apologetic face begins to melt my leftover frustration and fear.

  The silence between us feels like an apology— he’s not even trying to defend himself.

  “Hey.” I test the waters first.

  “I’m so sorry.” His eyes catch mine. His breathing sounds off as he stares at the ground.

  I reach out to him. “No, no, it’s fine. I’m fine.” And I’m not sure if I mean it or not, but I really want Shawn and I to be back to normal.

  His hand touches my wrist and I wince, both in fear of his reaction and because it’s still that sensitive. Maybe I should have gone for the hoodie so I could have used more ice today.

  His brows come together. His fingers hold mine gently as he turns my hand palm up and tugs at my sleeve. My heart hits my ribs. What will he think?

  The bruise is a sharp contrast against the white of my shirt and pale skin.

  His hand covers his mouth as he lets go of my fingers. “Oh, God.” He leans over, resting his hands on his knees, and part of me thinks he might pass out or throw up. Just when I start to move toward him, he stands up straight. “Ronnie.” His fingertips slide along my cheek, through my hair. “I’m so sorry. I can’t believe… That wasn’t me. This isn’t me. I’m so sorry.”

  He wipes a tear from my cheek before I realize I’m crying. I don’t know who hugs who first, but I’m wrapped up in his arms in a way that makes me want to stay wrapped up in his arms forever.

  My chin rests on his shoulder and his rests on mine as we just hold each other. I close my eyes and squeeze tighter. This is the closeness we sort of lost with the beginning of the school year. The kind of closeness that makes me feel like I’m melting into him, into his warmth, and the way I know he loves me.

  “I’m so sorry. My dad’s been extra crazy with work, and I’ve been stressed and worried…” His hands run through my hair over and over.

  “It’s okay,” I whisper. “I’m fine.”

  Now that the tension between us has dissolved, I know that anything would be worth having Shawn back this way. The way Shawn and I are supposed to be.

  ~ 7 ~

  Mindy and I sit in the dark blue theater seats in the middle of the auditorium. From here we have a view of the stage, but are still just on the edge of the dim light. I’m not generally needed for much, but I continue to come and watch. It’s part of my “thing” for the year, so it seems like I should be here.

  It’s been days since Shawn and I argued, but my wrist is still mottled in black and blue, and the stiffness is still making everyday stuff like carrying my backpack a pain in the butt.

  “Aren’t you hot?” She grabs at my long- sleeves.

  “Nope.” I fold my arms, keeping my wrist protected. I know she won’t understand. I don’t understand. I only know how rough his life must be for something so drastic to happen between us.

  “Okay.” She reaches into her pack and pulls out our notebook. She should not be bringing that to school.

  “So, you and Paul.” I lean in. “It’s still pretty awesome, huh?”

  “It’s still awesome.” She grins. “How are you and Shawn?”

  “So, so good.” Ever since our argument he’s met me in the mornings, and changed his work schedule. He’s been at my house every evening, even though I know my dad makes him nervous. Things have been pretty perfect, and that’s what I need to focus on.

  “He’s sometimes moody, that’s all.” She slouches lower in her seat, resting her head against the back.

  I shrug. “I guess.” I don’t want to think of Shawn as moody—even though I already call him moody. He’s so easy and fun when he wants to be. I guess I now wish he could find a way to keep that part of him around all the time.

  “Anything to add?” she asks.

  To add to our list of firsts? Those words prick at me, at my heart, my conscience. It takes everything I have to not react. I should tell her. Right now. I should tell her about Shawn and I and our argument. I could write something that would make me feel better. I could say—was physically hurt by a boy for the first and last time. Ever. Instead I shake my head. Easier. Better.

  “Well, crap, me either. We’re gonna have to do something craa-zee.” She laughs.

  Luke jogs up. “What are we discussing way up here?” He puts his knees on a chair in front of us and leans over the back. A Phineas and Ferb t-shirt today.

  “Girl stuff. Things Ronnie and I must be alone for.” Mindy relaxes her head onto my shoulder.

  “Ronnie.” Luke’s shoulders relax and he tilts his head to the side. “It’s short for Veronica, right? I can’t believe I’ve known you for this long and never thought about it.”

  Oh no. I freeze, stop breathing, and don’t answer.

  Mindy laughs.

  “Don’t,” I warn, as I turn and point my finger at her chest.

  “Oh come on. It’s just Luke.” She pushes my finger away with a smile.

  Luke rests his chin on his hands, looking like the goofy guy he can be. “Please?” He bats his long lashes at us, and I know she’ll cave. I’m caving right now.

  Mindy and I exchange glances. She won’t say if I don’t want her to, but I’m not going to stop her, not with Luke leaning over the chair at us like this—knowing he’ll eventually get his way.

  “You’re shameless,” I say.

  He smiles wide and leans toward Mindy, chin resting on his hands in rapt attention.

  “So there’s a whole little story, are you ready for
it?” Her head turns from me to Luke.

  I let out a dramatic sigh and slump in my seat, but it doesn’t matter. Not with Luke. I’m sort of amazed he hasn’t put it together himself.

  “Ready.” He makes another show of wiggling his body back and forth—settling in to listen.

  “Her dad named her brother Ben, after him. So her mom named her—”

  “Rhonda.” Luke grins.

  “Yep, Rhonda, after her.” Mindy sits up tall as if saying this silly little story makes her important.

  “Which is why Ronnie is the only name on everything, including my driver’s license. Everything but my birth certificate,” I say. And actually, it’s not much of a story. Just a silly family thing.

  “I see.” He nods. “It’s not that bad.”

  “Whatever, Luke.” I roll my eyes.

  “No Liesl today.” Blackman booms. “We’ll need Ronnie to step in.”

  “Oh.” I lose the air from my lungs. This is the first time Liesl has missed, which amazes me. I’m still not sure how she juggles all that she does.

  “Well,” Mindy says. “Guess I get to watch instead of hanging with you.”

  “I’m sorry.” I stand, chest tightening and palms already damp from nerves. Why did I think this would be a good idea, again? On stage? Me? Speaking Shakespearean in front of this wide ocean of blue seats?

  Luke wags his brows. “Kiss ya later.” He spins and jogs to the stage.

  “I swear, he’s such a flirt.” I shake my head.

  “Well.” Her eyes widen. “Enjoy being that close to him.”

  Luke? Whatever. Why would I care about Luke when I have Shawn? And close to Luke? Not a good idea; not with Shawn’s reaction the other day. Fortunately, this is different. This is theater. I’m okay.

  This is okay.

  And again, I’m probably just trying to convince myself.

  “I heard he and Aubrey slept together last weekend,” she whispers.

  “Really?” My brows go up and a ping hits my chest. They’ve only gone out a few times. I figured Luke would say something if he was seeing somebody. “Well, that’s Luke for ya.” I smirk, and follow him to the stage.

  As soon as we start, I realize I know the lines. I even know where I’m supposed to stand. It takes me a second to find my spot because I’ve never done it before, but I know it well enough to give it a good attempt.

  And then we get to the party scene. My heart stops.

  Kiss ya later.

  Right.

  I start to shake my hands to relieve tension, but my wrist is too sore. Okay. It’s okay. I can do this.

  No big deal, right? Its just Luke. Silly, goofy, friend Luke.

  But my heart’s pounding as the sound pros mess with the music and the extras in the scene all try to find their spots. And me. I’m standing on the X that I know I’m supposed to be on for the first time Juliet sees Romeo, and I’m staring at Luke.

  He’s laughing with his group, and there’s this lump in my throat that’s getting bigger and bigger as the moment with us together creeps closer and closer.

  My heart pounds even harder when his eyes catch mine across the crowd of people pretending to party onstage. But it’s okay. Because right now I’m Juliet and he’s Romeo, and he’s supposed to be looking at me like this. Like he wants to kiss me. Isn’t that the point?

  But still I can’t breathe and barely manage to move forward. And then my heart starts pounding for real. Guess it was just fluttering before.

  I think about the kiss he gave Liesl—so soft, so careful—his fingertips just touching her soft chin. Is that what he’ll do? What it’ll be like? Am I looking forward to this? To kissing him? Or am I that far into the role? I’m not sure. How do I tell? Do I need to know? We’re standing close now; so close I can feel his warmth. I have no idea what my next line is.

  “I think that’s good for today,” Mr. Blackman calls. “No point in finishing this scene without the real Juliet.”

  My body jerks at the sound of Blackman’s voice, but I’m sort of locked into Luke/Romeo’s eyes with no excuse to not look away. Mindy’s here. Watching. I force my eyes away to stare at the floor, but now my head’s almost touching Luke’s chest because he hasn’t moved either. What’s going on with me? It’s just a stupid play, and just Luke.

  I look up just in time to see Mindy blow me a kiss as Paul and his broad shoulders lead her out of the theater. Now I’ll be walking home. Alone. With Luke. Hoping to let the tension go, I take a few more deep breaths. Will it always be like this when I’m onstage with him? Will it just take a moment to shake off Juliet when we finish each day? This is just what acting is. It has to be.

  I step away before turning back to him.

  “Ready?” he asks, offering the normal, relaxed, Luke smile.

  I guess it was all me. All in my head. That’s good. Perfect, actually. But why do I feel like part of me was just let down by the casual way he’s looking me?

  ~ ~ ~

  LUKE

  Ronnie starts to smile but stops herself. I can always tell because the corners of her mouth twitch, and then she lets out this little, slow breath like she’s trying to regulate her breathing and regulate her emotions. I’m almost laughing by the time she talks.

  “I heard a rumor you slept with Aubrey,” she says.

  I trip on the sidewalk, the whole weekend running through my head.

  It was a stupid, stupid mistake on my part. Really stupid. It all still doesn’t feel real, and is maybe one of the things I’m least proud of.

  My stomach rolls over that Ronnie found out, though, knowing Aubrey, I shouldn't be surprised.

  “Where did you hear that?” I ask stupidly.

  “Around.”

  There’s no way I’m going to lie to Ronnie. With Shawn being almost totally MIA, she’s my friend. “Yeah.”

  “Didn’t you and Cris just break up?” she asks.

  “Nah.” I shake my head, trying to play this whole thing off like it’s not a big deal, even though it still feels weird. “That was like, three weeks ago.”

  “Right.” She smirks but there’s something behind it that I can’t decipher. “And within three weeks you had Aubrey in your bed.”

  I let out a slow breath trying to prepare myself to answer her. “It was totally her idea and totally unexpected.”

  Ronnie laughs a little. “I totally don’t believe you.”

  “No!” I hold my hands up between us. “I swear!”

  “How…” She’s looking at me in something like wonder, which makes zero sense.

  “I don’t know if I should tell you,” I tease, trying to keep this light, even though… It’s all just weird. It was something that happens in movies, not in normal life. And definitely not in my normal life.

  “Really?” She folds her arms and raises a brow. Her red hair is this crazy curly halo around her face, and I stare for a moment too long before remembering she asked me a question.

  “You won’t believe me,” I warn.

  “Try me,” she says.

  “I mean, we’ve gone out a few times with friends and stuff. So last weekend we went to dinner and then she wanted to go to a movie, so we did that too. And then she asked me if we could hang out at my house cause my mom was out of town with my aunt.” I unlatch the gate into Shawn’s backyard so we can walk through. He’s supposed to order pizza for us or something tonight. I can’t remember.

  “Are you seriously going to tell me that she seduced you?” Ronnie turns to walk backwards to face me, and her cheeks pink—even through her freckles.

  “I totally am.” It was crazy. She kissed me, and I was feeling at loose ends, so making out for a while felt harmless. It escalated fast. “She walked me to my room and she even had condoms in her purse.”

  “You, Luke, are such a whore!” Ronnie laughs, but it feels sort of strangled, and she flops into a lawn chair with too much force.

  I told her I wasn’t into a relationship and she didn’t care. I
didn’t know how to say no to her. And a big part of me didn’t want to say no. Sex is pretty great. “Whatever.”

  She closes her eyes and I stare. I stare at her thin frame, soft lips, crazy hair… The outline of her long legs underneath another long dress. I want her as much truth as I think I can handle.

  “It kinda freaked me out, you know? I’d only ever been with Cris.”

  Ronnie’s eyes pop open. “Are you serious?”

  I lean forward. “Yes, I’m serious.”

  She sits up. “You just had that whole ‘Luke the wild guy’ thing, and went through kind of a—”

  “Crazy time, or whatever after my dad. I know.” I shrug. “But that involved more drugs than girls.”

  Her face falls, and it’s a part of my history I once again wish I could erase.

  “Oh.”

  “Aren’t you hot?” I grab the sleeve of her long-sleeve t-shirt.

  “Nope.” She jerks away from me and I sit back.

  Weird. Come to think of it, Ronnie’s been sorta standoffish for the last week or so. Not standoffish… I just haven’t seen her as much as normal.

  Right. Since Shawn came in. That whole thing was weird. But they’ve seemed more than solid since then, making me afraid to ask him if they’ve slept together yet. It’s a stupid thing for me to wonder about. Worry about. Especially after my last weekend.

  My stomach clenches up. She crosses her legs and her eyes fall closed again.

  Dammit, why does she have to be so…her. Awesome. Beautiful. Funny.

  “Why does Shawn always have to be running late?” I frown as I stare at the pool.

  “I’m used to it.” Ronnie re-crosses her legs, and tugs her dress up to show off her slim legs.

  “And you’re not hot?” I ask.

  Ronnie says nothing, and now I’m just feeling itchy-irritated all over. “So, I think Aubrey and I might go out again.” I don’t know what makes me say it, and I bite my tongue the second the words are out. I wanna get her reaction. I want to see if I’m the only one of us noticing the other.

  Ronnie doesn’t flinch, frown, or even open her eyes. “You should see how far you could get if you just took her to Taco Bell.”