First Loves: A Collection of Three YA Novels

by Jolene Perry

  “It means I’m in love with two women and no matter what I do right now, someone’s going to get hurt.” How can he be so calm? How can he love someone other than Mom? What happened to my dad?

  “Someone! Name one person in this situation who isn’t hurting right now, Dad. One.” Dad made the choices that put all of us in this shitty situation. I know I have him here. Mom’s hurting. He looks pathetic. I’m pissed. Maybe his girlfriend’s thrilled. And then my thoughts sink. I sink. Maybe that’s all he needs. He doesn’t need Mom and he doesn’t need me.

  Dad slumps lower and leans against the wall. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him like this. Suddenly I’m worried he’s crying. Dad can’t cry. That would mean the world’s ending or something.

  “You can’t love two people, Dad. Not in the way you’re talking about.” I shake my head.

  “I gotta go.” He pushes off the wall. He never even came into the house, not really. He’s still in the entry.

  “So, you can just walk out and leave us behind.” I don’t care how I sound. He deserves it. All of it.

  “Mom doesn’t want me here.” He moves toward the door.

  “Can’t you understand why?” My voice is loud again.

  “I’ll answer my phone when you call, Jay. Let me know what’s goin’ on, okay?” He grabs the door handle without looking back at me. This is what Dad does. He dissolves the situation, and walks away. It’s his job at work, and now he’s using it here.

  That’s it. Dad steps out and closes the door behind him. Just like that. Like this house is something to be left behind. Like this life is something to be left behind. Like Mom is something to be left behind. And like I’m…something to be left behind.

  Aren’t parents supposed to sit down and talk about crap like this? Tell me it’s not my fault? Tell me they’ll try to work things out and I shouldn’t worry? I rub both hands over my head. It feels like I’ll explode with the need to do something.

  I swing my arm and put my fist through the wall in a satisfying crunch. I pull my hand out just as the pain begins to cut through my skin, my bones, my knuckles, shoots up my arm… “Shit!” And drywall spills out onto the floor.

  Mom’s going to be pissed. My knuckles are bleeding. As stupid as I feel for wrecking the wall, it felt really good.

  “Shit!” I say again as I clutch my throbbing arm. And even though my hand hurts, I get some satisfaction from the destruction. It’s something real. Something concrete. Something I have control over. I stare at where my fist went through the wall, and dammit if I don’t feel some satisfaction from that.

  “Jamesy?” Sarah calls from my room.

  Great, she must have let herself in the back. I wonder how much she heard?

  “Coming.” I cradle my bleeding hand against my chest. Fixing a wall is one thing. Fixing a wall and cleaning blood out of beige carpet is definitely something neither Mom nor I want to deal with right now. So while part of me feels really good for destroying something, another part of me feels like an idiot.

  “What happened to you?” Sarah’s eyes are wide as I step through my room and run into the bathroom.

  Guess she didn’t hear. I let myself breathe. “Punched a wall.” I turn on the faucet and rest my hand under the cool water.

  “Let me repeat my first question. What happened?” Her voice is full of worry.

  I open my mouth to talk, but nothing comes out. I don’t want to cry in front of Sarah. I stare at my hand under the cold water, blood whirling down the drain. I need to just concentrate on my breathing for a minute. In, out, slowly in, more slowly out…

  “Jameson?” Her hand touches my shoulder.

  I close my eyes and will the words to come or for everything to go away, for the situation to be completely different. “My dad walked out.” There. You speak it, and it becomes real. Just like that.

  “What?” Her voice is quiet and full of shock.

  “He had an affair and just gave me some bullshit line about being in love with two women and…” I can’t finish. It doesn’t matter. I hit the faucet to turn off the sink.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Thanks.” There’s no point in saying it’s all right because no part of this is right.

  I wrap a towel around my knuckles to dry them off before I survey the damage.

  “Can I see?” Sarah sits on my bed.

  I follow and sit facing her. Part of her here is familiar and feels good, and part of her on my bed gives me the same nervous tingles it always has. Yet another part of me thinks she shouldn’t be here because of how I feel about Sky. Oh. Shit. I’m an asshole like my dad. If both girls stood in front of me right now, which one would I choose?

  Thankfully it doesn’t matter because Sarah’s made her choice. But still, it sinks me even lower. Is this normal? Is this a normal part of growing up? Getting older? Being an adult? If it is, it really sucks.

  “I’ll take care of my hand in a few minutes.” I lean back to show how relaxed I am. Even though I’m not. As the adrenaline leaves my system, I start to feel weak. “How have you been?”

  Her eyes are wide again. She looks incredulous. “Um, I can’t believe we’re trying to talk about anything but what’s going on here.”

  “It’s because I want to talk about anything but what’s going on here.” Anything but what’s happening in my house and in my head.

  “Okay.” She does this little sigh that puffs out her nose, just like she’s always done.

  I smile. Maybe this will encourage her to talk about something else.

  “I’m good. I mean, it’s fun to have a boyfriend you know? But I miss hanging out with you.”

  Of course we’d talk about the boyfriend. Why wouldn’t we? Because things in my life aren’t confusing enough already.

  “Me, too.” I do miss hanging out with her. Sarah has this bright energy around her that radiates outward. There’s something sweet and innocent about her that I love.

  “How did your date go on Friday?” she asks.

  I lean back against my headboard. Could it have gone any better? Probably not. But I don’t know how to tell Sarah about Sky.

  “Well, that’s answer enough for me.” She laughs. “Is it weird that I’m a little jealous?”

  Honesty? Straight up, from Sarah, to me, about feelings. I sit up taller. “So am I.”

  “Really?” She leans toward me.

  I nod.

  “Good. It must be normal then. I mean, I guess we’ve just spent a lot of time together so it feels weird to spend time with other people, or that you want to spend time with other people. With a girl.” She leans away a little and her shoulders fall as she relaxes.

  “Yeah.” And even though Sarah’s right here. And I have an easy opportunity to say something to her, I miss Sky. It’s sort of a revelation for me.

  “Well, Eric and his parents are going golfing and invited me to go.” She shifts like she’s about to stand up.

  “Did you warn them that you might kill them by accident?” I tease.

  She laughs. “Come on. You only went with me once.”

  “And you almost killed me.” This is what I’m comfortable doing with Sarah right now. We can be friends and tease.

  “My club slipped!” she protests.

  “Maybe.” I raise a brow.

  “Call if you need anything, Jamesy.” She wrinkles her tiny little nose, stands up, and walks out my backdoor.

  Now what? Old Sarah would have stuck around.

  I unwrap the towel. Not too bad, small scratches, they’ll heal up quick. I pull out my phone to send Sky a text.

  miss you. lots to tell. bad weekend.

  In seconds I get a text back.

  Hate being here. Bad wknd too. Can’t talk now.

  Does that mean she doesn’t want to talk now? Or that she really can’t? I wonder what she does when she goes home? Why was her weekend bad? I’ve never seen Sky in a bad mood. My finger hovers over the call button, but I can’t do it.

 
; TEN

  Something’s vibrating against my head.

  Phone. I fumble around and knock it off my nightstand. Three AM. What the…?

  Night Sky.

  I don’t know what prompted me to put her into my phone like that. It’s just how I see her. A combination of her dark skin, dark hair, fluid movements, and something I can’t put my finger on.

  “Hey,” I answer.

  “I wanted to talk.” Her voice is quiet. “I’m at my dad’s in Ketchikan so I thought I’d call when I could.”

  “Good.” I’m trying to push away the groggy so we can have a real conversation.

  “Were you up?”

  “No. But I’m still glad you called.” Maybe I should have lied to her and said I was awake.

  “Sorry. I wanted to hear about your weekend.” I love her voice, soft and smooth.

  “You, first.” I want to know what happened out there. So far away.

  “The forest here has eyes and ears. We’ll talk when I get back.” The words and the tone of her voice send a chill through me, but I shake it off.

  “So, you called me in the middle of the night to see why my weekend sucked?” I’m smiling now. She called me, in the middle of the night. It’s personal somehow. Like we’re past the thing where we’re worried about interfering with the other. I like it. A lot.

  “Yeah. I can’t talk about mine and I…” Her voice trails off into silence.

  “Truth.” I rub my hand over my head and wait.

  “I wanted to hear your voice.”

  And because she just put herself way out there. I return the favor. “You have no idea how awesome that is.”

  “Hm.”

  “So, you really don’t want to go first?” I ask. It seems like she should. Ladies first and all that.

  “I can’t.” I’m trying to picture what her expression would be like. Maybe she’s frowning just slightly, the outsides of her mouth turning down just enough for me to notice.

  “Tell me how to get to where you grew up.” That seems harmless enough.

  “Are you kidding?”

  “No. That’s something you can share, right?” I want to feel like I’m being the nice guy, doing the good thing. And I want to learn about her.

  “I got on a plane in Las Vegas.” her voice is full of the tease I’m starting to love from her.

  “I know that part.” I laugh.

  “So a jet flies from Seattle to Ketchikan. From Ketchikan, where my dad lives and where I am now, you take South Tongass Hwy to the end.”

  “Highway, got it.” I’m half picturing her, half picturing what she’s describing. It feels good to just talk.

  She laughs. “Erase whatever picture you have in your head of a highway. It’s two lanes, twisty-windy, and barely paved.”

  “Okay.” I don’t know if I can come up with a good picture.

  “Huge trees on one side and ocean on the other side.”

  “Got it. Huge trees and ocean.” My picture is solidifying. I know I’ve seen pictures of this part of the world. The trees are tall and foreboding. The water is cold and grey.

  She laughs again. “So there’s a cannery and a lodge at the end.”

  “And that’s where you live?” Ketchikan doesn’t sound much like civilization, not like what I’m used to, and she’s talking way past that. I’ve never lived anywhere but Vegas.

  “Not yet.” Her voice already sounds lighter. I did good asking her first. “You take a boat across the inlet to a spot called Gem Cove and my village is there.”

  “Wow. So, Las Vegas is a trip for you, huh?” She’s describing something I can’t even imagine.

  “I visited once, before I moved, I mean.”

  “You’re so far away.” When I exhale, it feels like my lungs won’t be able to fill back up normally.

  “Nope. I’m in Ketchikan right now. Much, much closer.” She chuckles, but she’s trying to be quiet, so it comes out as a half whisper.

  “Okay.” I’m smiling and feel better than I thought I would without touching her.

  “I shared. Your turn.”

  “I’ll ruin it.” My chest feels heavy again.

  “Ruin what?”

  “We both feel good.”

  “But you wanted to talk and you just did something nice for me. I want to return the favor.” Her voice is like silk, still soft and quiet.

  “My dad had an affair and walked out.” It’s out. It’s real. Sarah knows. Sky knows. Mom knows, I know, and the woman knows. My dad left me. He left my mom and left me.

  “Oh, Jay, I’m so sorry.”

  “It feels like I’m old enough that this shouldn’t bother me, you know?” Am I just a wimp for it to be affecting me the way it is?

  “I don’t think it matters how old you are, and you’re still at home. It’s a lot. I’m sorry I’m not there.”

  “I put my fist through the wall. I feel pretty stupid about it. Sarah was surprised.” I think back to holding my hand under the water and wrapping it up in the towel.

  “She was there?”

  “She stopped by for a few minutes.” Is that weird? Sky knows the deal with Sarah. Does that make it better or worse?

  “How… How are things between you?”

  “I miss your honesty when I’m around her. I guess I never realized how much we don’t say to each other.” I wonder if I make any sense, and if my explanation will help Sky feel okay about Sarah being around.

  “I’m coming home early.” Her tone is impossible for me read. Is this good? Bad?

  I’m thrilled, but not sure how to respond. “Where are you sitting right now?” I want a picture of her in my head.

  “On a favorite rock at the edge of the woods overlooking the ocean.” She breathes out a sigh. “Dad’s house is on the outskirts. It’s quiet here.”

  “Sounds awesome.” I picture her sitting on a large boulder, the thick forest behind her. The ocean in front of her and her long, black hair flowing in the wind. “You’re beautiful.”

  “You can’t see me.” She laughs.

  “I can when I close my eyes.” Am I a total dork for saying that out loud?

  “Go back to sleep, Jay.” I made her smile. I can hear it in her voice.

  “Night, Sky.” I wish you were here, with my arms around you.

  “Night, Jay.” I can still hear the smile in her voice, and I’m thrilled to have been able to make her feel better, even just for a little bit. It’s one more small thing that makes me feel like I have some control over something.

  ELEVEN

  I pull my pack out of the car and head to the school.

  Why can’t my spring break coincide with Sky’s?

  We’ve only had one date.

  But she’s amazing.

  Maybe it’s just the someone, the closeness I’m missing. And not her.

  No, it’s more than just wanting someone. It has to be her, right?

  I can see Sky in my head pointing at me. “Truth, Jay.” I don’t know what the truth is, though. What do I do with that?

  “Jamesy, you look terrible.” Sarah frowns as I walk into student government for our Monday morning meeting. “How are things?”

  “Shitty.” I step into the room.

  “Sorry.” She puts her arms around me in a big Sarah hug.

  “Thanks.” I pull her into me before sitting in my chair. I don’t want to think about how it makes me feel to hold her that close. She isn’t mine to hold. Now I’m back to my somebody argument…or dilemma…or whatever.

  “It’s your meeting today, Jay,” Matt reminds me.

  “Oh, Right.” I stand up and sit on a desk at the front of the room. Eric’s standing at the door, staring at me with what can only be called hatred. Great. Now I’m not allowed to hug my best friend. Nice.

  Sarah waves at him smiling and he jerks his head for her to follow. She jumps out of her chair and runs out of the classroom. I consider following, but I don’t think it would help the situation any. He does not look happ
y. I’ll have to talk to Sarah later.

  “Okay, I call this meeting to order. Let’s get our old business out of the way so we can move on. All in favor?”

  - - -

  “What happened to you this morning?” I catch Sarah in third period English.

  “I think Eric’s just uncomfortable with our friendship, that’s all.” Her eyes don’t meet mine and make more than a passing glance down at the desk in front of her.

  “He knows me. He knows you. He knew we were friends. This shouldn’t be a problem.” But I can tell, just as we’re starting to gain something like our old friendship, it’s going to disappear in the wake of the new relationship. Both hers and mine.

  “Sorry, Jameson.” She shrugs.

  And that simple gesture is her, once again, dismissing me for Eric.

  “Call me if you want to talk,” she whispers without looking at me.

  Yeah. Whatever.

  I wander home more miserable than ever. I skip swimming, but when I get home, it’s all I can think about. I change into my shorts and walk out to the pool. It’s starting to be actually warm enough for this now. I dive in and sink to the bottom. Sometimes I wish I had a snorkel long enough that I could just sit here for a while. I float up, take a breath and force myself back down. I’m starting to relax into my groove of sitting on the floor of the pool. My eyes aren’t burning from the chlorine anymore. It feels like I could do this indefinitely. Sit here in the calm blue.

  “Jameson!” Mom’s voice is panicked.

  I rocket to the surface. “What’s the matter?” The words sputter out.

  She lets out a long sigh. “You scare the crap out of me when you do that.”

  “Well, you scare the crap out of me when you scream my name.” I slide onto the edge of the pool, and rub my eyes. They’re used to the chlorine, and now the outside air is killing me.

  She’s in her work clothes, but sits next to me, letting herself get wet. “Are you okay?”

  “Yes … No… I don’t know, Mom.” I can’t look at her. Mom knows too much when I do that.

  “You have a lot going on right now,” she comments.

  “No shit.” I rub my hand over my head.