by Shawn Wall
"You know I do."
There was an awkward silence between them. They both knew the events that took place from now till morning would be the deciding factor for their relationship on whether there would be a future. Would there be a Tray and Suzanne?
"Would you like to go for a swim?"
"You have a pool?" Her lips curved in an enthusiastic smile.
"Yes, out back. Don't worry it's heated."
She shrugged. "I don't have a suit." The reality of the moment suddenly hit her between the eyes. Tonight would go further than a few kisses and caresses. The ultimate temptation was now in front of her.
"We keep extras in the pool house."
She had no excuse. Tray took her hand and led her through a patio door. An in-ground pool with a pool house was beyond. When Tray hit a switch a soft blue light subtly lit the pool and surrounding area.
"There's a closet in the bathroom. Use anything you want." He hesitated. "I'm going to go change in my room."
She surveyed the swimsuit choices. Of course there was only a two-piece in her size. These were a little too revealing, and there were no cover-ups. She would have to depend on the dimness of the night, and the best choice was a light pink. It was the least revealing, although she was sure it was still in the string bikini category. As she examined herself in the mirror, she was thankful for the few tanning bed sessions from the summer. Now, bravely opening the door, she noticed Tray was already waiting, sitting on the edge facing the pool house. Slowly, she walked toward him, and he was up in a flash to meet her. His eyes spent more than a few seconds from her shoulders down.
He took her hand and led her down the steps into the pool. Looking into her eyes, he smiled and neither of them said a word. Even though the water was very warm against the chilling air, she shivered as goose bumps appeared on her arms. After Tray released her hand, he swam to the deep end of the pool as she waded in waist high. He must have sensed her hesitancy to go any farther and swam back, pulling her in a little deeper. Now, his chocolate brown eyes were serious and penetrated her. He didn’t have to speak, and she knew what he was feeling. He hoped this was the bridge to them becoming permanent. Giving in, she wrapped her arms around his neck and both her legs tight around his waist. When their faces were only inches apart, they stared into each other’s eyes for another long moment. Next, he kissed her with more zeal than she knew was in him, moving his mouth from her lips, down her neck, and back again. His hands moved down to her lower back and beyond, and then they roved up and back again, stopping to release the knot holding her top in place.
Suzanne knew this was the point of no return. Just as his kisses grew harder, she realized it wasn't Tray she was thinking of. She was imagining he was someone else. She hadn't thought of his name the whole night, but at this moment when ecstasy was so close, she could only see his face. In spite of it all, she wished it were his hands on her body, and his lips kissing her. How easily she could let this moment continue. From the second Tray’s hands were on her, she knew for sure he could be hers. This was no one-night stand for Tray. He was falling for her. She could see the look in his eyes, and having been in this position before, she would not make the same mistake twice. Even if Seth didn’t want her, it would be wrong to string Tray along any further because he deserved much more. She had begun to care for Tray, and she wouldn’t hurt him.
She broke their kiss. "We have to stop!"
She felt him stiffen, and he instantly leaned back.
"What's wrong?"
"I can't do this." Her head was down, unable to look in his eyes now.
He flinched as an ashen cast washed over his face. "This was too soon. I can wait. I don't mind. I can just hold you. We can take things slower."
"It's not that. It was wrong of me to lead you on like this. I can tell you are starting to have feelings for me, and this would only make them deeper."
"I am, but like I said, we can take it slow. I can wait for you." He was almost pleading.
"That's not it. There is someone else, and that's just not fair to you."
"I know better than that. You are not the kind of person to date two guys at once."
"You’re right. I would never betray anyone like that. I just can't get this other guy out of my head. The more I try to fight it the more he's in my mind. I can't escape him."
"I see. That changes things then."
She had never heard sadness in his voice before this.
"Forgive me, Tray."
He released her, and they swam to the shallow end and sat on the steps leading into the pool.
“Does this guy even know you’re falling for him?"
"No, I don't think he has a clue. He’s not interested in me in the least bit."
"That's his loss, but can I ask who it is?” He smiled, but his eyes were disappointed.
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”
“Give me one guess. Seth Griffin.”
Her mouth fell open. “How could you know that?”
“I’ve seen how you look at him, but I thought it was worth a shot if I could turn your head.”
“He doesn’t even know I’m alive.”
“Well, I doubt that. If things don’t work out with him, you know where to find me.”
"I know it’s selfish, but I don’t think I can lose your friendship.” She kept her head down, unable to take the disappointment. Could he want to remain friends?
"I wouldn't have it any other way." He took her hand, and his eyes were lighter, but the hungry gleam that had once filled them was gone. Now, she only saw a dull sadness.
* * * *
Tray moved to his usual seat in the back of class. They did speak, but at first, it was uncomfortable. She was alone again and began to drink more and more, finding the bootlegger in this dry county or at times driving to Haynesville, Louisiana, only a quick twenty minutes away. Then, she began every other day runs for vodka and rum. Without Tray, the alcohol was the only thing to numb the pain. She was careful not to drink and drive, only having binges in her room. Tray had also warded off her nightmares like a magic talisman. Without him, she knew they would begin again. If she could get drunk enough, not remembering them would help.
De Ann went home one Saturday night, and Suzanne decided to host a party in their room. Her RA, Tiffany, was still the party girl, so she was more than willing to look the other way. Suzanne opted for Dr Pepper and spiced rum, which had become her favorite. Certainly these girls weren’t into the old rock scene, but after three or four drinks, she didn’t care what they listened to as long as it was fast and loud. After a few guys had snuck in, one passed around a joint. She had never tried marijuana, but she was so drunk she would have done just about anything. After several drags combined with alcohol, it was like heaven. The sadness was gone, and the emptiness deep in her chest was filled.
* * * *
It felt like someone shook her. Someone called her name from a distant place. Then, the sting of ice-cold water was flooding over her head.
“Suzanne Foster, you wake the hell up.” De Ann’s voice was loud and resounded like she was talking through a bullhorn.
Suzanne was sitting in the shower, fully clothed. The lights were bright, but she made her eyes open. De Ann was soaked, too.
“What is going on?”
“You were passed out on the floor, sitting in your own vomit, and I couldn’t wake you.”
“Don’t be pissed off. It was just a little party.” Her head throbbed like she had been hit with a jackhammer.
“I think you did a little too much partying. If you don’t stop this, I’m going to move out. I can’t watch you destroy yourself.”
“I just did a little experimenting.”
“Do you know what could have happened? Do you even know what happened?”
“No, not really,” Suzanne admitted.
“Let’s get you cleaned up. I’ve got a strong pot of coffee waiting on you in our room.”
She knew this t
ime she had gone too far. Even though she knew she was spinning out of control, she didn’t know how to stop it.
Chapter Four
Billy was on leave before reporting to his duty station at Fort Carson in Colorado Springs, Colorado. Last year he had traded his junior summer away for basic training and had chosen the army over college. Recently, she’d missed him so much, after all he’d been her best friend since kindergarten. More than just a friend, he’d been her confidant and many times her conscience. Savoring what time she had with him, they just rode around listening to music and talking. Against her wishes, Billy refused an alcohol run. When they stopped at a stop sign, Suzanne got out of the car and sat on the double yellow line. On this old country road no cars would be coming at this time of night. Billy sat beside her and held her. As the headlights shined on them, she began to cry. Now, she was shaking and couldn't stop.
"I need you to get control of yourself.” Billy’s eyebrows drew together as he gave her a scolding stare. "You have to find a way to crawl out of this hole you're in, find the courage and the strength I know you have. I can't leave you like this, falling apart."
Suzanne turned the tables on him, getting the attention off of her.
"Why are you really going away? You don’t want this. Why don't you just tell De Ann you love her and get it over with?"
Billy had been in love with De Ann all through high school, but he had never made one move. Suzanne knew De Ann’s crush for his older brother Daniel had been a hard pill for Billy to swallow, especially now that the two were dating.
"You know why I can't do that.”
Suzanne stared him down.
"I can't stay here and watch them," he said with pain in his voice. "I just can't bear it. I’m only human, and I love my brother and her. I think they can be happy together, and I won't hurt them. I've always known there could be nothing between her and I. She sees me as a brother, just like you do."
"Does Daniel know how you feel?”
"No, and he is not going to find out."
"I'm sorry."
"You know I’m ticked. Girl, you’ve always known how to manipulate me. This was a planned intervention, you know." He grinned.
"What the hell are you intervening about?"
“Oh, don’t get mad. Let’s get out of the middle of the road. I have a whole stack of AA pamphlets in my glove box that De Ann demanded I shove down your throat.”
* * * *
It was hard, but Suzanne really tried to not drink. She promised Billy she would give it the old college try. Drinking had become a daily habit, a routine, something to erase the horror. Luckily, she had only missed a few classes during her binges. Thank goodness she had made all the test days and somehow had kept up her grades. Still Seth didn't seem to notice her. She might have made a mistake. She had let a great guy go. Tray would quickly be scooped by many other willing girls. And why had she done it? For her fantasies about Seth. That was truly all it was, a one-sided fantasy. Here she was again alone, purely of her own doing and not drinking to boot. At least Seth didn’t seem to be going out with anyone. That would really have sent her imagination into overtime.
The Anatomy lab in Overstreet was closed for renovation, and the remainder of the semester classes would meet in the Agriculture building. This week’s lab was dissecting pig hearts, and it was pretty nasty, but at least they didn't stink like the cat cadavers from last lab. There was no formaldehyde. Professor Root was not half as bad as she seemed, and Suzanne had stayed to ask her more questions about the bicuspid and tricuspid valves due to a missed class. As she gathered her things, she heard a familiar voice coming from the hallway.
"Suzanne," the voice said with a chuckle. She knew it by heart because she had memorized every tone of the masculine smoothness. It was Seth.
"Do you know what they use pig hearts to make?"
"What?" Her heart began to race.
"Hot dogs," he said, laughing now. "Oh come on. That was funny, and it is true."
Her mouth fell open. "You are so sick. I'll never look at a weenie the same again.”
He smiled as he walked away. Well, that was a shock. She didn't know how to take it. Was he flirting or just being a jerk? Watching him walk away—the way he held himself, his stride—she couldn't be irritated with him if she wanted. Her poor ego had taken a whopping hit and all because the Greek god had spoken to her. Did she really care?
Comp was the next day, and she arrived early to class. She got out her notes to review in case there was a pop quiz, but she ended up doodling as always on the edge of her paper, unable to concentrate. She didn't look up as students filtered in and hadn’t noticed the seat in front of her was taken. She glanced up. It was Seth.
He turned around to speak with a huge grin. "You know we’re having chili dogs in the cafeteria today."
"I'll say it again. You are sick.” The corners of her mouth turned down in a frown.
"It can't be that gross. You are a nursing major, aren't you?"
"Okay, it's not that bad.” She couldn't help but grin now. Was he trying to be a jerk or did he want to be friends? She couldn’t read this guy at all. She guessed she’d lost her perspective.
"Hey, guess who I saw in concert." A grin spread over his face.
"I know I will be so jealous. Who did you see?"
"The All-American Rejects." A definite glimmer flashed in his eyes as he sounded out each syllable.
"You’re kidding. Where did you see them at?”
"It was at Warped Tour.”
"Wasn't Hey Monday going to be there this year?"
"Yes, they were awesome." He bragged.
The bell rang as Professor Whiteman entered class. Suzanne could hardly pay attention. She had noticed Seth watching her in their classes, but it was only a few glares when Tray was with her. Neither of them had mentioned the hours stuck in the storm, and Seth had never asked her out after that first day of classes. Some of the sarcastic remarks in Micro lab even made her think he disliked her altogether. Was this some sick joke? Could he read her mind? Or something worse… her fantasies?
In truth, she had to admit she was a little surprised he had been interested in her in the first place. Certainly, she wasn’t every guy’s type—a strawberry blonde with blue eyes and porcelain complexion. She was certainly not the type for a guy who looked as amazing as he did. Then, Professor Whiteman called on him in class. She was intoxicated by his voice. Had he put her in a trance? Actually, he didn’t need to use his voice. Not when he could get any woman in the world to follow him with those eyes.
When class ended, he turned and asked. "Where are you next?”
"I’m in Anatomy. The lecture is still in Overstreet.”
"I'm going that way. I'll walk with you."
"Okay, that's fine." She would have agreed to anything at this point.
"I have Anatomy with Dr. Root's husband."
"Hey, why were you in the Agriculture building yesterday?"
"My work study is on the farm," he answered.
"Oh." Her jaw dropped open with a baffled expression.
He was not majoring in Agriculture. He quickly explained.
"My mom and stepdad own a farm. The Agri farm is comfortable for me, and it's easier to make extra money on campus, more convenient. Besides on the farm you can set your own schedule.”
She was clueless.
"No wonder the pig hearts don't bother you," she said.
He only laughed. There was no smart comeback this time.
* * * *
She finally remembered to bring his shirt, and after the last couple of weeks, he probably didn’t even want it back. It certainly brought back the memory of lying against his chest with his arms around her.
“I’ve already got us set for today. We just need to transfer the water sample. I think today will be a short lab.” Seth grinned and raised his eyebrows up and down.
She giggled.
“Well that’s good since I work later.”
&n
bsp; “Hey, you brought my shirt. Thanks.”
“I should have washed it. It smells like me.”
“I remember honeysuckle and white patchouli,” he said taking a sniff of his shirt.
After that day in Micro, they had begun walking down the hall together after Comp, comparing Anatomy notes. He was far smarter than she would ever be, and it was no wonder he was going to be a doctor. Their brief discussions actually helped her on the next test.
It was a day before Halloween, and she had forgotten about ordering tickets for a rock concert in Shreveport on November first. However, the concert had already sold out, and neither De Ann nor Kristen would be able to buy a ticket for a date.
"I think you should ask the guy in your English class," De Ann said.
“Do you think he would go with me?” Suzanne quickly asked.
"Why not? You have the same taste in music, and you said he talks about concerts all the time, and besides he was interested in you before."
"Well, maybe, if I have the nerve to ask him.”
“Since when does Suzanne Foster get nervous around a guy?”
"Since him. Not every guy looks the way he does." She was frustrated just thinking about it.
The next day, she noticed Seth walking toward class from the south entrance, and she waited down the hall, trying not to be conspicuous. As he walked through the entrance, her voice left her. He had on a red sweater, and it was molded to him, defining his broad shoulders, muscular arms, and chest. Actually, he looked like he should be in a movie, not walking on a college campus. This guy wouldn’t say yes to her. He said hi, and Suzanne just smiled. All at once her heart began to race, and she realized she’d never been this way before. She reminded herself to get a grip, and she walked to class trying to gain some courage. If he said no, then she’d deal with it. She just couldn’t stand it anymore.
After class, he was up and gone before she even had her books in her bag. Where was he going in such a hurry today? At this pace, she would never catch him. She hurried as fast as she could and darted down the hall, but he was already on the stairs. Hurry Suzanne, before you lose your nerve. Once out the side door, Seth went walking quickly across the courtyard toward the boys’ dormitories. Of course, she would miss Anatomy doing this, but oh well. She called his name, but he didn't turn around. Did he hear her? Was he ignoring her? Finally, she sped up to a jog. She had to, or she wouldn’t catch him.