Becoming Lola

by Harriet Steel

  She felt the bed sag and looked up with distaste. Thomas mopped his sunburnt forehead.

  ‘Go away and wash, Thomas,’ she scowled. ‘You stink of sweat.’

  ‘I’m sorry if I offend your delicate sensibilities. I’m afraid that earning our bread is not always a refined occupation. I hope the servants have prepared an edible dinner, I’m famished.’

  ‘I don’t know and I couldn’t care less. I have no appetite in this wretched heat.’

  ‘But I do. It’s been a long day; I’ve ridden forty miles since this morning and inspected any number of these damned native troops. I want a decent meal. It would be nice if you had at least taken the trouble to arrange it.’

  She did not reply.

  He seized her shoulder roughly and twisted her round to face him. She tried to jerk away as his fingers dug into her.

  ‘If you hit me, I’ll scratch your eyes out,’ she spat. ‘If I’d known what you are really like, I would never have married you.’

  He raised his fist but then his shoulders slumped. ‘I don’t want to hurt you, Eliza.’

  ‘Then let me go.’

  He groaned. ‘We’ve had this conversation a hundred times. You’re my wife. Where would you go? What would you do?’

  ‘I could go back to Calcutta.’

  ‘To your mother and stepfather?’

  She nodded.

  ‘I doubt they would accept you. No, Eliza, we are married. It’s your duty to be a good wife. Nothing can change that.’

  He stood up. ‘I’ll leave you now but I expect to see you dressed in half and hour and joining me at dinner.’

  When the door closed behind him, Eliza turned her face back to the wall. ‘You’re wrong,’ she whispered fiercely. ‘This is no life. Things can change and I shan’t give up until they do.’

  *

  Six weeks later, in Calcutta, Mrs Craigie paced her drawing room, her skirts swishing over the polished floor.

  ‘Read me the letter again,’ she snapped to her husband. ‘No, don’t. I feel as if every word is branded on my heart.’ She clapped her hand to her forehead. ‘I can’t believe this is happening. I don’t want her here. First she shames me by eloping with him, now she wants to leave him. How much more must I endure? The scandal will kill me.’

  ‘He’s bringing her to Calcutta himself. Perhaps if I talk to them, there may still be a chance of reconciliation.’

  She gave a bitter laugh. ‘Not Eliza, she’s stubborn as a mule. Anyway, why should he have her back when she’s made it so clear she no longer cares for him?’ She barked her shin on a footstool and cried out with pain and vexation.

  ‘Sit down,’ Craigie said, his irritation rising. ‘If there’s nothing else for it, we must decide what to do with her. Thomas says he’ll provide her with what money he can, but it won’t be much.’

  ‘So we shall have to give her money as well?’

  ‘I think so.’

  Her eyes narrowed. ‘You’re too generous, Patrick. It’s far more than she deserves.’

  He frowned. ‘She could go back to my family. I know Catherine became fond of Eliza when she was a child.’

  ‘Then write to her. Anything, as long as Eliza doesn’t stay here to shame me.’

  ‘Very well.’

  *

  Patrick Craigie stared into the depths of his malt whisky. Seated opposite him in a quiet corner of the smoking room at the officers’ club in Calcutta, Thomas waited, rubbing a finger along the brass studs on the arm of the leather chair in which he sat. They felt hard and cold to his touch. On the wall above Craigie, a tiger’s head, mounted on a gleaming mahogany plaque, snarled down in the rictus of death. It was a mercy the separation was not yet a matter of public knowledge, Craigie thought. He and Thomas might just be two comrades-in-arms chewing the fat over a pleasant drink.

  He took another gulp of his whisky then cleared his throat. ‘I’ve booked Eliza’s passage on the SS Larkins. It sails for Portsmouth in a few weeks. I’ve paid for the fare already. My sister, Catherine Rae, will meet her at the docks and arrange for her to go to my family in Montrose. Everyone there is to be told that she has not fully recovered from a fall out riding, and has come home to convalesce.’

  Thomas leant forward. ‘Thank you. I’m very grateful for all your help.’

  ‘I trust you will instruct your bank to pay the allowance we discussed?’

  Thomas nodded. Craigie saw a muscle twitch in his cheek.

  ‘I have an appointment in the morning to see the manager,’ he said. He looked away. ‘I’m sorry it’s not more.’

  Craigie thought he saw the Irishman’s eyes mist but there was no point in holding out any hope of mending the relationship now. He and Elizabeth had marshalled all the arguments they could think of and Eliza still refused to budge. Probably best to bring the interview to a swift end.

  ‘Well,’ he said briskly, ‘you’ve behaved as honourably as any man might be expected to under the circumstance.’ He stood up and held out his hand. ‘Good luck.’

  Thomas got clumsily to his feet and took the proffered hand. ‘Thank you.’

  Craigie stood and watched him as he walked to the door. He pitied him, whatever his faults, with nothing to look forward to but a lonely return to his duties in Bareilly. He pitied Eliza too. Perhaps they might be reconciled one day but it seemed very unlikely and if not, she faced a bleak prospect as a separated wife. He hoped she understood the full implications of what she had done.

  Chapter 10

  Ten days out of Calcutta, the Larkins docked at Madras. The first part of the journey had been dull, and Eliza had suffered more than a twinge of guilt and anxiety over her decision, but now the sight of the teeming, colourful activity on the quayside cheered her. Beside her, Mrs Sturgis, an acquaintance of the Craigies who had agreed to be her chaperone, fanned herself.

  ‘New passengers, I suppose,’ she complained. ‘How tiresome we have to come in for them. It was far cooler out at sea.’

  Eliza frowned. Few things could be more tiresome than the company of Mrs Sturgis, who lost no opportunity to remind her of her shame.

  She leant over the rail to watch the hordes of porters dragging trunks and bales of goods up the gangplanks and into the holds. They reminded her of a colony of ants.

  ‘Really Eliza, that is most unladylike. Stand up at once.’

  Eliza shrugged. ‘There’s no one who matters to see me.’

  ‘That is not the point.’

  Eliza was about to retort when she noticed a young man stroll up the gangplank. Tall, with golden hair, he sported the sabre and spurred boots of a cavalry officer. He paused and looked up at Eliza. Catching her eye, he doffed his solar topee and grinned.

  Mrs Sturgis frowned. ‘Eliza, I forbid you to smile back,’ she hissed. But it was already too late.

  After Cape Cormorin, the ground swell off the Malabar Coast set the ship bucking and rolling in choppy waters. Mrs Sturgis complained of sea sickness and stayed in her cabin. Glad to be free of her company for a while, Eliza went up on deck alone.

  ‘Is your companion indisposed this morning?’ a voice behind her asked.

  She turned to see the golden-haired cavalry officer smiling at her.

  ‘She has been vomiting since breakfast.’

  He suppressed a snort of laughter. ‘I’m sorry to hear it. We should be in calmer waters soon.’

  Eliza raised an eyebrow. ‘Not too soon I hope.’

  His grey eyes crinkled. ‘Permit me to introduce myself: Lieutenant George Lennox at your service.’

  Eliza held out her hand. He took it and bent to kiss her fingertips. She felt a thrill run through her.

  ‘Mrs Eliza James.’

  ‘Is your husband already in England, Mrs James?’ he asked after they had exchanged pleasantries about the journey and the weather.

  ‘I left him in India.’

  ‘Will he be joining you later?’

  ‘No.’ Her voice lowered. ‘I’m supposed to tell peopl
e I’m returning home to convalesce after a riding accident, but I never fell off a horse in my life. The truth is, I have left my husband and I hope never to see him again.’

  Lennox’s eyes widened. She was far more outspoken than any of the young women he had come across before. It intrigued him. She was also a great deal more attractive.

  A wave buffeted the side of the ship sending spray over the rail. He noticed how the droplets of water glistened in her dark hair. ‘Perhaps we should find a more sheltered spot,’ he suggested, offering her his arm.

  ‘Yes, perhaps we should.’

  They spent the rest of the day and all the next enjoying each other’s company, but on the third morning, Eliza could no longer ignore the notes with which Mrs Sturgis bombarded her. When she went down to the older woman’s cabin that afternoon, Mrs Sturgis wasted no time in pleasantries.

  ‘I’ve heard you have been seen talking alone with Captain Lennox, Eliza.’

  Eliza drew a deep breath. She wondered who she had to thank for this piece of spying. ‘We’ve done nothing wrong. It was just conversation.’

  Mrs Sturgis bridled. ‘Conversation? Are you so foolish as to believe that you, a married woman, and one in a most invidious position at that, can afford to be seen alone with a single man? It is unseemly. It is scandalous. Your mother and stepfather entrusted me with your welfare. I cannot allow you to expose yourself to gossip.’

  Eliza shrugged. ‘Then I shall tell him I can’t speak to him alone.’

  Mrs Sturgis was surprised. She had not expected Eliza to be so pliant. Should she believe her? She searched Eliza’s face but her expression was inscrutable. Mrs Sturgis opened her mouth to make another protest, then could think of nothing to say and closed it again.

  Eliza suppressed a smile. She looks like a cod on a fishmonger’s slab, she thought. Aloud she said, ‘Was that all you wanted to say to me? May I go now?’

  Mrs Sturgis flushed. ‘If you wish, but I hope you will heed my advice.’

  *

  ‘But you are alone with me now,’ Lennox laughed, as he and Eliza walked together the following day.

  ‘Oh, we are not really alone. She gestured to the waves. ‘We have the sea, the whales, the albatrosses to chaperone us.’

  His face took on a serious expression. ‘I doubt Mrs Sturgis would think that was enough. I don’t want to get you into trouble, Eliza. Perhaps we should be more discreet.’

  She went to the rail and looked down at the waves. ‘I don’t care what Mrs Sturgis thinks. She can’t tell me what to do. I shall behave as I like.’

  He squeezed her arm. ‘Eliza, you’re wonderful. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone like you.’

  When Mrs Sturgis recovered, she seemed to have lost the will to oppose Eliza. It would have made no difference if she had, for Eliza was too happy to care. She gloried in Lennox’s company: a companion of her own age with a spirit as gay as her own. Every day, she fell in love with him a little more.

  At meals, with every sip of drink or forkful of food she took, she tried to imagine how his kisses would taste. Once, when she glanced across to where he sat, she saw him holding his glass of claret to his lips as if he wanted to savour it forever. He looked across the rim and caught her eye. Was he thinking the same?

  At night, she lay awake in the darkness of her cabin and wondered what it would be like to lie with him. Compared with Thomas, he was an Adonis. There were six more weeks of the voyage left. If she dared to find out, by the time they reached Portsmouth she would know the answer.

  *

  It was a Sunday morning and as usual, Captain Ingram was preparing to go on deck to conduct the morning service. Struggling to fasten his cravat, he swore as he stabbed himself with the pin.

  ‘Let me do it,’ Mrs Ingram said irritably. ‘Hold still. There, that’s better.’

  ‘Did you speak with Mrs Sturgis?’

  ‘Yes, the poor woman is at her wits’ end. She says that Mrs James won’t listen to reason and she has washed her hands of her. The whole ship sees how she and Lennox flirt but they seem to have no shame.’

  ‘I’ll speak with Lennox, although I doubt he’ll take any notice of me. He’s affable on the surface but he’s well aware that being a relation of the Duke of Richmond allows him to do very much as he likes.’

  His wife frowned. To her mind, a connection with the aristocracy was not sufficient excuse for immorality. ‘They’ve been seen sitting alone in his cabin again,’ she retorted. ‘Mrs James just laughed when I took her to task and said it was only because his is cool and has a window, while hers does not. She can’t seem to understand how serious her behaviour is. She has already abandoned her husband. Is she determined to ruin herself?’

  Her husband shrugged. ‘That is her choice.’

  ‘True: but what about your reputation? What will people say if you allow immoral conduct on your ship?’

  The captain chewed his lip for a moment before he spoke.

  ‘Yes, there is that to consider. You’re right of course. I shall have to think very carefully about Mrs James.’

  *

  Lennox stood at the door to his cabin and glanced up and down the passage. ‘I think we’re safe,’ he whispered to Eliza. ‘In you come. I saw the captain go up on deck a few minutes ago.’ He laughed. ‘He’ll be leading the first hymn by now, out of tune as usual.’

  With a giggle, Eliza slipped past him. He closed the door and put his arms around her. ‘I hope he gives a long sermon,’ he murmured into her neck. I’ve been longing to have you to myself since dawn.’

  He pulled her down on the bunk and she pressed her lips hard against his. He broke away and laughed. ‘I see you’ve been impatient too.’

  ‘George, I’m so hot and my corset is suffocating me. I’d like to take it off.’

  His cheeks flushed. ‘Do you want me to help you?’

  She stood up and turned her back to him. ‘Unfasten my dress.’

  His fingers trembled as he fumbled with the buttons. ‘Damn women’s clothes,’ he muttered. She laughed as she slipped the dress to the floor and stood in her corset and petticoats. ‘There, now unlace me.’

  ‘Eliza, do you really want me to?’

  She turned and took his face in her hands, the soft curve of her breasts swelled at the lace edge of her whalebone stays. She saw beads of sweat on his forehead.

  Yes,’ she whispered. ‘I do.’

  ‘Your husband…’

  ‘I hate him. He was cruel and never loved me.’

  Lennox put his finger to her lips. ‘He must be a madman. How could any man not adore you?’

  ‘Do you adore me, George?’

  ‘I haven’t the words for it.’

  She laughed softly. ‘Then show me.’

  *

  ‘You must act,’ Mrs Ingram snapped to her husband a few days later. ‘The passengers are in an uproar. People are saying that you cannot command your own ship. A married woman flaunting her adultery for all to see! It is a disgrace.’

  Her husband frowned. ‘But can we be sure?’

  ‘Of course we can. I told you, one of the maids saw them together in broad daylight. His cabin door came open when we went through those rough seas on Wednesday. They were both half naked, and he was on his knees helping her to put on her stockings.’ She shuddered. ‘What more evidence do you need?’

  ‘So what do you want me to do?’

  Mrs Ingram sniffed. ‘I will not speak with her, or eat my meals with her anywhere near me, and I won’t ask anyone else to do so.’

  ‘Very well, I’ll inform her she’s not welcome to dine with us and the rest of the passengers. In future all her meals will be served to her in her cabin.’

  *

  ‘Dammit,’ Lennox scowled when Eliza showed him the note. ‘I thought there might be trouble when that door popped open. I shut it as soon as I could,’ - he smoothed her hair - ‘although we were rather busy at the time, weren’t we, my sweet?’

  He kissed her for
ehead. ‘I’m sorry, my love, but the damage is done. We’ll just have to brazen it out. At least when we get to England, we can go our own way. I must admit, I would rather not go to dine without you. The conversation at table was never very entertaining at the best of times, and now I shall be bored to death, but if the captain expects my presence, it would be rude to decline. You do understand that, don’t you?’

  She bit her lip. It seemed very unjust that all the blame was to be laid on her, but his expression seemed so genuinely disappointed that she did not want to complain.

  He put his hand under her chin and tilted her face to his. ‘Poor Eliza, I promise to make it all up to you in London. One day, we’ll laugh about this.’

  He traced a line of kisses up her neck and let his tongue play in the soft hollow beneath her ear. In the distance, a bell sounded for dinner. His lips moved to hers and she shuddered. The bell sounded again. Lennox gave her waist a last squeeze then let her go. ‘I’d better be off. Wait up for me. I’ll be back when the ship’s asleep.’

  Left alone in her windowless cabin, she sat down on the bed, undid her stockings and rolled them off one by one. They felt stiff with sweat and dust. She wished she could wear fresh clothes each day but the rationing of water made washing a luxury.

  Some time passed before she heard footsteps in the corridor and a knock at the door. A maid came in with a tray of food. She stared at Eliza’s bare legs with a pert smile.

  Eliza glowered at her. ‘Put the tray on the table and get back to your work.’

  The maid banged down the tray and left. Eliza lifted the tin cover and her nose wrinkled at the smell of the pickled beef and watery, grey potatoes on the plate underneath. A pool of congealed gravy surrounded them. With a sigh, she put the cover on the floor and began to pick at the meat. The ship was not due to dock in Portsmouth for two more weeks. Every day would seem like a lifetime.