Different Strokes: How I (Gulp!) Wrote, Directed, and Starred in an X-rated Movie (John Warren Wells on Sexual Behavior)
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SOPHIE
You could at least give an old girl a quick feel. (PLUTO snaps his fingers.)
SOPHIE
Hey, you didn’t disappear. I thought you were embarrassed and decided it was time to split.
PLUTO
No, I was just freshening your drink. (SOPHIE looks down at her glass, and lo and behold, it’s full again. She shrugs and drinks.)
PLUTO
So the computer didn’t compute and the printout was a washout. But I think I’ve got something for you.
SOPHIE
Oh, yeah? It better be good.
PLUTO
You can’t get better. Unless you’ve got something against Russians . . .
SOPHIE
Well, Khrushchev wasn’t exactly my idea of a dynamite ball—
PLUTO
Not Uncle Nikita. We go back through the time tunnel to the greatest Russian of them all. The maddest, baddest swinger from Minsk to Pinsk. A legend, larger than life, more powerful than a mighty locomotive, more—
113. Two-shot favoring SOPHIE.
SOPHIE
Yeah, right, the greatest discovery since the vibrating dildo. Who is this Moscow Mule, anyway?
PLUTO
The Mad Monk himself.
SOPHIE
You don’t mean . . .
PLUTO
Rasputin. And now—
114. PLUTO in medium shot, POV SOPHIE. PLUTO is about to snap his fingers.
SOPHIE
(OC) Wait a minute. (Her hand grabs PLUTO’S.)
115. Two-shot.
SOPHIE
Pluto, for Christ’s sake, I can’t meet him like this. I gotta be young and beautiful or you can take the whole deal and shove it.
PLUTO
Almost forgot. I haven’t had much practice at young and beautiful. Let’s see, now. (He pulls out a leatherette memo book from his jacket pocket and thumbs through it, finds the right page, frowns a little, then executes a complex finger snap. There is a puff of smoke, and in SOPHIE’S chair we see the largest stuffed panda bear in America.)
PLUTO
Well, I’ll be a son of a bitch. (We move back to see some of the rest of the place while PLUTO scratches his head and puzzles over his book of formulae. Absolutely no one in the restaurant takes any notice of the panda bear. We remain at a distance while other finger snaps produce one dumb thing after another—a bass fiddle, a four-foot pile of towels, a garden hoe, a filing cabinet, and ultimately SOPHIE herself. No one takes the slightest notice of these startling transformations.)
116. Two-shot.
SOPHIE
Very funny. Very fucking funny.
117. Close-up of PLUTO wearing hangdog expression.
SOPHIE
(OC) I suppose next I’ll show up as the balls on a brass monkey.
PLUTO
No, I think I’ve got the bugs out now. (He snaps his fingers, etc.) Take a look now.
118. Two-shot from behind SOPHIE. She has taken a mirror handed her by PLUTO. She is looking in it and playing with her face and hair. We begin a dolly around to get a two-shot and then a zoom to her face.
SOPHIE
Oh, Pluto!
119. Close on PLUTO beaming in satisfaction.
PLUTO
Just the way you used to look.
SOPHIE
(OC) Just the way I used . . .
120. Two-shot.
SOPHIE
. . . to wish I looked. But these clothes. (A finger snap and she’s dressed to kill.) Pluto, you’re wonderful. But don’t snap anymore . . . If I looked any better than this I’d get arrested.
PLUTO
No more transformations. But now you’re ready for Rasputin.
SOPHIE
Just so he’s ready for me.
PLUTO
Let’s find out (He snaps his fingers, puff of smoke, explosion, and so on.)
121. Establishing shot of RASPUTIN’S den. Sheepskins and steer hides cover most of the floor and completely cover a huge mattress. RASPUTIN wears a monk’s robe and is as large, bearish, and horrible as possible. He gnaws at a chicken bone, finishes it, looks at it, and throws it in a corner which is already loaded with these things. He picks up another one and begins to gnaw it.
122. Two-shot of SOPHIE and PLUTO. They are transparent. (Double exposure against black.)
SOPHIE
(In a whisper.) Pluto, he’s an animal.
PLUTO
You don’t have to whisper. He can’t see or hear us.
SOPHIE
How can he ball me if he doesn’t know I’m alive?
PLUTO
He’ll know when the times comes.
123. Low-angle wide shot of RASPUTIN. He has fallen to his knees and is going through an inarticulate prayer shtik that we hear. During this we do a slow zoom into his face.
RASPUTIN
Lord of All the Russias, keep me contented with the painful role of Thy servant. Let me rejoice in my simple comforts, the bare cell I must live in, the cold hard floor on which Thy servant sleeps, the crust of bread and cup of water which is his nourishment . . .
SOPHIE
(OC) Who’s he kidding?
RASPUTIN
(Continuing.) . . . the deprivation of the senses, the melting away of the flesh until Thy servant is a scarecrow of skin and bones, the adherence to the code of piety, chastity and obedience . . .
SOPHIE
(OC) Chastity???
RASPUTIN
Let me glory in never knowing the sins of the flesh, the pleasures of womanhood, the touch of their skins, the perfume of their loins, the swell of their thrusting breasts— (We have been zooming in until we are tight on his face. We then tilt down his body and discover that while he is renouncing the sins of the flesh he is pulling his pud. There is a knock on the door)
124. Wider shot of RASPUTIN. An up shot.
RASPUTIN
(He turns around.) Who interrupts me at my prayers? (Looks up.) What can I do? (To door.) Who comes to Rasputin!
125. Shot of the door, POV RASPUTIN. It opens and ANNA comes timidly within.
126. Shot of RASPUTIN, hands together, eyes fixed ceiling-ward.
RASPUTIN
It is Anna. Oh, blessed be the name of the Lord for taking such quick notice of his servant’s needs. And who is this with you?
127. RASPUTIN’S POV as a second girl, KARENINA, follows ANNA into the cell and closes the door.
ANNA
My sister, Karenina.
128. Two-shot POV KARENINA.
RASPUTIN
There is a problem, yes. I see it now clearly and with the help of the Deity who allows me to look through his eyes. Come in, Anna, Karenina, come in, come in.
129. Three-shot POV PLUTO and SOPHIE. ANNA and KARENINA walk into the room. Rasputin ushers them to his bed, where they sit down. They never take their eyes off him. RASPUTIN speaks throughout. There is never a moment of silence. This following speech by RASPUTIN is done in a montage of angles and reactions by the girls.
RASPUTIN
Doubly blessed is the Lord’s servant. He makes me an instrument in his hand, a sword to strike away the sins of the flesh. Karenina, my dove, your sister has told me of you. And I can help you. I am entrusted with the responsibility of the holy destiny of Mother Russia, yes. It is so. But the country is the people and the people are the country and I am never too busy to help when I am called.
130. RASPUTIN, eyes burning in hypnotic intensity.
RASPUTIN
And so I am called, and so I am chosen. You have a problem, Karenina. You are troubled. Tell me what it is that bothers you.
KARENINA
I . . . uh . . . it’s hard for me—
RASPUTIN
And it will be even harder for you, my sweetling. I guarantee it.
SOPHIE
(OC) Just so it’s hard for me, lover boy.
KARENINA
Gee, I don’t know how to say it.
RASPUTIN
/> Do You Masturbate?!?
131. Here a shot of KARENINA’S stunned reaction.
KARENINA
How did you know?
RASPUTIN
How did I know? How did I know? You sinful little girl, how could I fail to know?
SOPHIE
(OC) Takes one to know one.
RASPUTIN
The signs are all over you. The tips of your ears. The thrust of your breasts. The glassy stare in your eyes. (He takes her hand and sniffs her fingers.)
RASPUTIN
And there are other signs as well. Yes, it is unmistakable. But you are fortunate, dumpling. It is I who have put my finger upon your problem, and the problem is where you in turn have been putting your finger. That is the problem. But there is a solution!
KARENINA
There is?
RASPUTIN
Indeed there is, with the help of the Most Holy One. You must stop this unspeakable practice at once! Do you know what you are doing when you masturbate? You are only playing with yourself! The problem is one of the precious bodily fluids leaving the body with nothing to replace it. But you must nourish yourself in accordance with the wishes of the All Powerful One who provides us with the food we eat . . .
PLUTO
(OC) I think we’re getting down to cases now.
RASPUTIN
. . . and therefore you must take into your body only that which flows from the bountiful wisdom of the Holy One Blessed be He. Take off your clothes. (She does so, completely transfixed.) And you, Anna, to assist in the successful transformation of this wayward unfortunate, throw off those garments which only conceal what the Holy One has given you. (She does.) Now both of you lie on this poor pile of rags that you may better prepare yourselves for the spirit of the Deity which now enters my body that it may flow into yours.
SOPHIE
(OC) Rags my ass—he’s got a waterbed under there! (And so he does.)
RASPUTIN
And now open your thighs that I may see for myself what damage you have done by your selfish use of the sacred receptacle of the goodness that flows from the Holy One. (He gets on the bed so that his head is in the general vicinity of ANNA’S cunt. To KARENINA he says:) You have been doing this, have you not? (He fingers ANNA’S clit.)
KARENINA
Sometimes.
RASPUTIN
Show me what you do to yourself as I do it to your sister. (She hesitates, then begins fingering her clit.) No doubt you do this as well. (He dips his finger in and out of ANNA’S twat. KARENINA commences doing the same to herself. After a bit, both girls now getting pretty worked up, he withdraws his finger, sniffs it, sucks it. KARENINA, puzzled, withdraws her own finger, shrugs, and sucks it.)
SOPHIE
(OC) I can practically taste it from here.
RASPUTIN
And perhaps you have done this as well. (He sticks his finger up ANNA’S asshole.)
KARENINA
No, I never did that. (She does now.) But I think I could learn to like it.
RASPUTIN
And, so aroused, no doubt you and your sister have exchanged kisses?
KARENINA
Yes.
RASPUTIN
Show me, please. (They kiss, mouth to mouth, and feel each other up.) And other sorts of places as well, perhaps. (They segue into a yummy sixty-nine.) Ah, yes. Yes. (He lets them groove awhile.)
132. Two-shot of PLUTO and SOPHIE as in 122.
PLUTO
How about that?
SOPHIE
Are you kidding? I did better than that when I was nine years old.
133. Three-shot favoring RASPUTIN.
RASPUTIN
Stop this immediately! (They try to stop, they really do, but it’s torture for them. RASPUTIN dips a finger into both of their twats and they moan.) Now you recognize the evil you bring to yourselves by these acts. Now I can show you how to eliminate these impurities from your systems. For you see, (Throws off his robes; he is naked and has an erection.) this is what you should use! (RASPUTIN gets on the bed between the two girls and they begin an oral thing with his cock and with each other. We go to a whole sexual number with them, one on two, two on one, fucking, sucking, and all other assorted forms of sexual mayhem. During the course of all of this, we hear “I Am a Male Chauvinist” sung over the chorus of moans and groans. It is not necessary that RASPUTIN sing the song, nor is it necessary that it be accompanied on a balalaika. It would be nice, but not necessary.)
Oh, I am a male chauvinist, it’s what I’ll always be.
I’d like to hang Kate Millet from a jacaranda tree.
Don’t need no libbied lesbian to tell me what I am.
And I won’t be reconstructed and I do not give a damn.
This women’s liberation is a dirty commie plot.
I will not raise my consciousness to please some silly twat.
I will not wash the dishes, I will not make the bed.
I will not even fuck her unless she gives me head.
I know a male quisling and I swear he’s lost his mind.
He’s gone and raised his consciousness and left his balls behind.
I’ve seen him doing housework in a dainty gingham frock.
And his ultimate ambition is to suck Kate Millett’s cock.
So here’s to Germaine and Gloria, to Betty and Ti-Grace.
They’d all be lovely ladies if they only knew their place.
The kitchen and the bedroom is where they ought to stay.
And if they call me pig, “Oink Oink” is all I’ve got to say.
Because I am a male chauvinist, (etc.)
More sex. Last shot in the sequence is oral. RASPUTIN is fingering and eating both of them and they are sucking and kissing his cock together. He comes and they share it between them, lick it off each other’s faces, kiss each other, and finally ANNA and KARENINA, who have come six hundred and seventy-three times before coaxing an orgasm out of RASPUTIN, fall totally collapsed across the bed. They are really exhausted. RASPUTIN gets up, looks at them in disgust, goes over to a table and picks up a chicken leg. He starts to take a bite of it, notices it smells funny, goes through a sniffing routine and shrugs and starts eating it.
PLUTO
(OC) I wonder what’s wrong with the chicken leg.
SOPHIE
(OC) You’ll never guess where I put it.
PLUTO
(OC) Sophie!
SOPHIE
(OC) Well, I had to do something, didn’t I? But it didn’t even take the edge off.
134. Two-shot of PLUTO and SOPHIE. She is hot to give RASPUTIN a try.
PLUTO
Ready to try it?
SOPHIE
Send me in, coach. (There is a finger snap, etc.)
135. Two-shot RASPUTIN in foreground, SOPHIE in back. He looks up at her, then goes back to his chicken leg. He waves her away without looking again.
SOPHIE
Well, hello, tiger. If you like the taste of the chicken, I’ve got more of the sauce.
RASPUTIN
Office hours are over, go away.
SOPHIE
Now come on, Rasputin, you mean to tell me you can’t spare some time away from that chicken leg for the best thing that ever came your way?
136. Close-up RASPUTIN POV SOPHIE.
RASPUTIN
See me Thursday. Next Thursday. Next Thursday about four o’clock. (Pause, then he remembers.) Don’t be late. I charge by the appointment, not the appearance.
137. Two-shot.
SOPHIE
I had a shrink like that once. But instead of him shrinking my head I wound up shrinking something of his. Listen, Rasputin, I figure nobody lives up to his reputation, but your press agent has really been doing a number on the world.
138. Close-up SOPHIE, POV RASPUTIN.
RASPUTIN
What do you mean?
139. Two-shot.
SOPHIE
I mean you’re supposed to be the greatest th
ing in sex since the discovery of the horizontal surface, and now you’re telling me that you can’t get it up until next Thursday. (He takes his first real look at her. He likes what he sees, but he’s all fucked out and so not interested.)
SOPHIE
Here, take a good look. (She strips.) Pluto’s finest work, but for all the effect it’s having I should have come as a panda bear. (She goes over and sticks her box in his face.) Take a good sniff. Dip your chicken leg in it, you dummy. It’ll do me more good than anything else you’ve got. (He’s on his feet now, and pissed off.)
140. Close on RASPUTIN.
RASPUTIN
Do you dare to criticize my potency?
141. Close-up SOPHIE, POV RASPUTIN.
SOPHIE
First I’d have to experience it. Then I’ll criticize it.
142. Two-shot favoring RASPUTIN.
RASPUTIN
Are you criticizing my organ? My organ? Do you dare to criticize the instrument of the Holy One?
143. Pan down his body to his crotch.
SOPHIE
Look, let’s not make such a fuss over such a little thing.
144. Close-up RASPUTIN speechless with rage.
SOPHIE
(OC) I mean, I guess once a week is enough for a man like you.
RASPUTIN
(He looks at her for the first real good look. He makes a decision while he speaks.) You’ll find me not unprepared. Certainly there is always a spare moment or two to handle special problems that are brought to my attention outside the more normal hours of daily audience. (He gets up and begins his performance. He obviously has done this a million times before and regards SOPHIE as a pushover.)
145. Close on SOPHIE. Oh-no look with a raised eyebrow.
SOPHIE
Look, I’ve already seen the matinee per—
RASPUTIN
And as I stand here blessed with the special perception of the Deity Himself . . .
146. Two-shot.
RASPUTIN
. . . THE DEITY HIMSELF!!!! He has implanted in my mind the understanding that you have a particular problem, and thank you, Deity (Does his thank you shtik.) for sending this unfortunate to me for guidance . . .
147. Over RASPUTIN’S shoulder to SOPHIE. RASPUTIN continues talking throughout.
SOPHIE
I hate to shatter your illusions . . .
RASPUTIN
. . . But before I am able to give you the special assistance you require there is a question I must ask . . .
SOPHIE