Lizzie's Secret

by Rosie Clarke

  ‘Yes, on Friday night, because Harry has to return to base on Saturday morning.’

  ‘Of course… perhaps you will tell her I should like to see her one day?’

  ‘Yes, but she’ll be back at work next week if you wanted to see her. I happen to know there’s a big order for her specials… she makes such beautiful hats.’ Beth sighed.

  ‘Yes, she is talented. I dare say you enjoy wearing her hats?’

  ‘Unfortunately, I don’t go out anywhere I can wear pretty hats very often.’

  ‘I’m sure a young lady as pretty as you must get lots of invitations?’

  ‘Thank you for the compliment but I assure you, I never go anywhere interesting these days.’

  ‘You intrigue me,’ he said. ‘One favour deserves another – I’m giving a garden party on Sunday afternoon, the week after next, at least we’ll be in the garden if it’s fine and in the house if it rains. Would you like to come?’

  ‘Only if I can bring Lizzie – and that’s if she wants to come.’

  ‘Here is my card. I live in Hampstead, as you can see. Please feel free to arrive at any time between three and five in the afternoon.’ He rose and tipped his hat to her. ‘Thank you for the information, Miss Court. I am much obliged to you.’

  Beth watched him go. She wasn’t sure Lizzie would wish to go to the garden party, but she certainly did. It was her chance to see how the other half lived.

  *

  ‘I’m glad you brought this to show me,’ Ed said, on Lizzie’s return to work the following week. He turned the witch’s hat over to look at the silk lining and the way it was formed. ‘This is a fine piece of work, Lizzie – but it must have taken ages?’

  ‘Yes, it did, too long. I would need to sell it for three pounds – and that doesn’t show much of a profit if I count my time.’

  ‘You must count your time,’ Ed warned. ‘I like it very much as a fun hat, but I fear the straw may fray because of the way you’ve cut it. I know you have over-sewn the edges with the lace, but it may still give after a little wear – and if it was expensive…’

  ‘Yes, I see. It is very delicate but that is what gives it its appeal, I think.’

  Ed agreed with her but he didn’t think it was worth showing it to Oliver because he would think it a waste of time. Lizzie knew he was right but felt disappointed because she’d really liked it.

  ‘Shall I show you how to form a cone that will be less likely to disintegrate?’

  ‘Yes, please,’ Lizzie said eagerly and watched as he measured and cut a piece of fine straw, twisting it deftly so that it became the basic shape Lizzie had wanted. He gave it to her to seam inside on the sewing machine, and then cut some silk lining and stiffening, which she inserted in the point and then lined with the contrast silk. This hat was fashioned of maroon and lined with a faded rose pink, and Ed suggested Lizzie finish it, as she thought fit. She edged it with black satin ribbon and sewed a frill of black lace inside so that it cascaded over the face to form a fine veil and looked like the brim of a witch’s hat.

  ‘Yes, simpler and elegant,’ Ed approved. ‘You can use the basic pattern for other materials of course, but it isn’t a shape that will sell in large numbers.’

  ‘No, of course not. Thank you for showing me. How much did it cost out at?’

  ‘A lot less than yours,’ he said. ‘I know you think our range is limited, Lizzie, but that comes from experience. The people who buy from us want constant sellers, the kind of thing their customers buy over and over again.’

  ‘The customers I’m thinking of will want something different.’

  ‘Yes, I know what you would like,’ he said and shook his head. ‘You’re ambitious and you have flair. I understand that you want to create something very stylish and new – but much of that comes with the trimming.’

  ‘How much do I owe you for the materials?’ Lizzie asked, picking up the hat she’d made under his direction.

  ‘Call it fifteen shillings,’ he said. ‘But why don’t we show it to Oliver and let him try it in the stock? If the customers don’t like it, you can buy it then if you like.’

  Lizzie got on with her work until Mr Oliver came round. He asked her if she’d had a good time, how Harry was, and looked through the pile of stock they’d made. To her surprise he didn’t mention the cone-shaped hat and Lizzie thought she’d seen a faint smile on his mouth.

  Beth pounced on her the minute she entered the staffroom at break time, giving her a hug. ‘I’ve missed you so much,’ she said. ‘I expect you had a wonderful time?’

  ‘It was a nice hotel and a lovely place.’

  ‘Is something the matter?’ Beth asked and Lizzie nodded.

  ‘I can’t tell you here – come round this evening?’

  ‘Yes, of course.’ Beth stared at her. ‘Is it to do with what your aunt said on your wedding day?’

  ‘Yes,’ Lizzie managed. ‘I’ll tell you tonight.’

  ‘All right,’ Beth squeezed her round the waist. ‘You shouldn’t let her upset you, love.’

  ‘It isn’t her, it’s Harry,’ Lizzie said. ‘I really can’t say now…’

  She wasn’t sure how much she could tell her friend but knew she had to say something, because she’d almost gone mad sitting in the flat alone. Beth was her best friend; Lizzie needed to talk and she was the only one who would understand.

  ‘All right, love, I can wait,’ Beth said. ‘I met Sebastian Winters on Friday. He wants to talk to you – and he invited us to a party not this Sunday but the next…’

  ‘I don’t want to go,’ Lizzie said. ‘You should go if you want…’

  ‘Not without you,’ Beth said. ‘Look, Vera is coming in now. Eat your lunch and we’ll talk this evening…’

  *

  Beth arrived bearing a bottle of sweet sherry. ‘I thought you might need a drink by the sound of you,’ she said. ‘What happened, Lizzie? I know that old witch said something awful to you, but you wouldn’t say and I didn’t like to ask too many questions…’

  ‘I couldn’t have told you then, besides, I thought she was lying, but I have to tell you now, Beth…’

  Lizzie spilled out the whole story, skirting over what happened between her and Harry, but leaving her in no doubt that he’d been shocked and angry.

  ‘I don’t think he loves me any longer,’ Lizzie said. ‘We couldn’t have stayed there together like that for a week. I came back as soon as I could and I’ve made a couple of hats…’ She stopped as she saw the look of anger in Beth’s eyes. ‘I can’t blame him; I’m not the sweet innocent virgin he thought I was…’

  ‘The self-satisfied little prig!’ Beth burst out furiously. ‘Is he so perfect? Don’t tell me he’s never been to bed with a woman before, because I wouldn’t believe it. Couldn’t he see what it meant to you – couldn’t he understand how you suffered? I should like to horsewhip the pair of them – your rotten aunt and Harry…’

  A little sob broke from her as she hugged Beth. Her friend held her so tight that she had to break free because she could hardly breathe, but she was feeling better.

  ‘Thank you. I knew I could tell you – but I don’t know what to do, Beth. What am I going to do if he’s left me? His uncle will want to know why and I can’t tell him. I should be too embarrassed…’

  ‘Why should you have to? It’s not your fault – none of it is your fault, Lizzie. Someone hurt you badly and your aunt and uncle kept the truth from you…’ Her gaze narrowed. ‘You still don’t remember, do you?’

  ‘No, nothing at all. I wondered if I might, once I was alone with plenty of time to think, but it’s still all a blank.’

  ‘Your aunt should have told you all this ages ago.’

  ‘I might not even have thought of marriage if she or my uncle had told me the truth and I certainly would have explained to Harry if I’d known. I do understand why Uncle Jack tried to spare me, but he was wrong. It would have been much better had I told Harry the truth at the start.’

 
‘Yes much better,’ Beth agreed. ‘I would say come back to live with us, but I’m leaving home when my appointment comes through – but Mum would have you if she understood your situation…’

  ‘I’m going to stay here for a while. I’m not sure I can afford to live here alone – but I have to wait until I hear from Harry. Some of the furniture is mine, but some is his…’ Lizzie swallowed hard, fighting a wave of emotion. ‘We were going to be so happy here…’

  ‘Perhaps he will get over it and come back to you.’

  ‘Perhaps, but it can’t be the same,’ Lizzie said. ‘I’ve been wondering what to do but I can’t see my way clear. I suppose I could join a voluntary organisation like you – but…’ She shook her head. ‘I just don’t know what to do…’

  ‘Carry on at work until I leave anyway,’ Beth said. ‘And come to that party with me next week. You’ve done nothing wrong. Harry is the one that should apologise.’

  ‘I was upset for him – I am still sorry I didn’t tell him, but he married me and he was supposed to love me. Surely it isn’t too much to try and understand how I feel?’

  ‘If he was a proper man he would,’ Beth said and Lizzie shook her head.

  ‘I can’t blame him, Beth. He’d put me on a pedestal. I was his perfect Lizzie and it hurt when he realised that I wasn’t perfect…’

  ‘That isn’t love,’ Beth said with disgust. ‘Oh, I’ve gone off men altogether. Tony wanted me to do exactly what he wanted; he didn’t care how I felt – they’re all the same…’

  She picked up the sherry bottle and poured them both a large glass. ‘Come on, have a drink and drown your sorrows, love. We’ll find a way through, Lizzie. You’ve still got your friends – and I’m not the only one that cares about you. Ed and Tilly would be up in arms if they knew – and Madge would murder him.’

  ‘I couldn’t tell Ed,’ Lizzie said, but she was smiling now. ‘Oh, I’ve got something to show you…’ She ran into the bedroom and brought the witch’s hat back. ‘What do you think of that?’

  ‘It’s beautiful! May I try it on?’

  ‘Yes, of course you can,’ Lizzie said and laughed as Beth ran to the mirror and tried on the delicate hat. It suited her and she preened herself, obviously in love with it. ‘You look lovely in it, Beth. I’ll give it to you as a present.’

  ‘You can’t afford to do that,’ Beth said. ‘ You might be able to sell it for a profit. I would buy it if I didn’t need all my savings for my training…’

  ‘Poor you,’ Lizzie said. ‘I’ll let you wear it one day if you like, when you’re going somewhere nice…’

  ‘For that party at Mr Winters’ house…’ Beth gave her a meaningful look. ‘We could both do with some cheering up. I’d really love to go and I’d feel much better if you came with me – admit it, you’re feeling right down in the dumps, aren’t you?’

  ‘Well, perhaps,’ Lizzie said. ‘Yes, I’ll give it some thought, because I don’t see why I should just sit in the house and mope all the time. If Harry wants to divorce me, he should let me know.’

  ‘He’ll turn up out of the blue one day,’ Beth said and gave her another hug. ‘You wait and see. I’m sure he’ll be back and with his tail between his legs…’

  Chapter 21

  ‘Harry…’ Lizzie said when she returned to the flat that Friday evening and found him lounging on the sofa. ‘You didn’t let me know you were coming…’

  ‘I wasn’t sure I was,’ Harry said. ‘I didn’t expect to get a twenty-four-hour pass until they told us this morning, and even then I wasn’t sure what to do.’

  ‘I’ve been wondering if you would come,’ Lizzie said, her throat tight with emotion. ‘I didn’t know what to do – should I give notice here or…?’

  ‘This is our home. I shall be paying the rent through my bank and I’ll send you some money every now and then, though you get your wages and that should be enough when I’m not here.,’ his tone was cool but not harsh.

  ‘Yes, it would be if you pay the rent – but do you want me here? If I left you, you could divorce me and…’

  ‘No,’ he said sharply. ‘I don’t want a divorce, Lizzie.’ The look in his eyes puzzled her. ‘Look, I’m sorry for the way I behaved. I came back for you three days later but they told me at the hotel you’d gone. I got angry again because you’d left, but I should have come here.’

  ‘Why did you come back? I don’t understand?’ Lizzie’s heart raced, because he’d given her no clue as to his feelings. He didn’t seem angry but he wasn’t loving either.

  ‘After I left you, I went to see your aunt…’

  ‘Why – didn’t you believe me?’

  ‘Yes, and no – it seemed so strange. I got the whole story out of her, Lizzie. I’m so sorry for what you had to suffer. She’s an awful woman – she was so nasty that I knew she’d meant to destroy us…’

  ‘I think she’s punishing me because my uncle was fond of me and left me his property – even though she has the house for her lifetime.’

  ‘That may not be as long as you’d think,’ Harry said. ‘She got herself in such a passion that she had a fit while I was there. The doctor told me she has some sort of tumour in her head and it’s slowly killing her.’

  ‘Oh no, how terrible for her,’ Lizzie said. ‘I had no idea…’

  ‘You’re not sorry for her – after what she’s done to you?’

  ‘Of course I’m sorry for her. No one deserves that sort of illness – whatever she did to me…’

  ‘Well, I think she deserves all she gets,’ Harry said. ‘She almost finished us…’

  ‘Almost?’ Lizzie swallowed hard. ‘Are you saying…?’ she couldn’t go on, because his eyes seemed to be pleading with her.

  ‘I want to try again – if you’ll have me, Liz?’ Harry moved towards her, his hand outstretched. ‘I know I was a selfish bastard that night. All I could think of was my disappointment. I couldn’t bear to imagine anyone else touching you, loving you – but it wasn’t like that at all. You were abused and you didn’t even know much about it…’

  Lizzie felt the tears on her cheeks. She’d been so hurt, so angry, that she’d almost decided to leave the flat and her job and join up as Beth had, but now Harry’s words and his looks were drawing her back, spinning a web about her.

  ‘But I’m not what you thought I was, Harry,’ she whispered and her damaged heart ached. ‘Can you bear it – can you still love me as your wife?’

  ‘I know one thing,’ he said. ‘I know I can’t bear my life without you. I thought when I left that I couldn’t live with that knowledge but now I know there are worse things. To face a life that didn’t include you would be infinitely worse… it doesn’t bear thinking of, Lizzie darling.’

  ‘Oh, Harry…’ she moved towards him, needing and wanting to feel his arms about her. ‘I thought you must hate me – that you’d never want me again…’

  ‘I’ve thought of nothing else but holding you and loving you,’ he said. ‘Please forgive me, Lizzie. Don’t leave me – don’t hate me because I’m weak and selfish and I didn’t know how to behave that night.’

  Lizzie felt a shiver of longing and need as their lips met and she knew that even though things could not be the same, she still felt love for this man. She wanted him in her life, because the alternative was an empty wasteland.

  ‘Take me to bed, Harry. Please make love to me, let me forget all the wicked things she said – tell me that you don’t think I’m shameful or disgusting… please love me…’

  ‘I’ll always love you,’ Harry said and swept her into his arms, carrying her into their little bedroom and falling with her to the bed.

  Afterwards, Lizzie lay beside her husband as he slept. She looked down at him and saw how young he seemed and she felt so much older. The act of making love had seemed enough for him, and he’d come quickly inside her, crying out that he loved her.

  Lizzie had found it harder to give herself than the first time. She was scarred, still hurtin
g inside, even though she’d promised all was forgiven. Something within her had held back from him and she hadn’t experienced that same flow of pleasure. Harry said that he wanted only to forget, but she knew he would not; he would carry what had happened inside him and so would she.

  She lay for a while with tears on her cheeks and then at last she slept until he woke her and made love to her again. She let him kiss her and take her as he would, but some part of her could not respond; it was as if her innocent joy in loving had died.

  ‘I love you so much, Lizzie,’ he’d told her again in the heat of lovemaking. ‘You’ll be true to me, darling? You’ll never leave me for another man?’

  ‘I love you,’ she’d whispered. ‘I’ll never leave you.’ But the fact that he’d felt it necessary to ask made the pain twist inside her.

  Harry had come back to her because he claimed to love her and need her love, but she knew there was doubt in his mind. Lizzie sensed that Harry still wondered if he could trust her, even though he knew she’d been taken down without her consent. Lizzie’s heart wept as she lay beside him, unable to sleep.

  Loving Harry, having him back, was a bittersweet thing. She was not sure that such a fragile love would survive the trials of life and she understood why her aunt had warned her not to marry. Only a very special man would bear the knowledge of what had happened to Lizzie and let it make no difference. Despite his promises of love, she knew that the knowledge was like a canker inside Harry.

  *

  After Harry went back to his unit, Lizzie slipped into the life she’d known before she married him. She worked with Ed in harmony, went home with him to visit his wife, and now she stopped to share the supper she cooked for them once a week. Beth insisted she visit her home often until she was sent away on her nursing course, and Lizzie ate Sunday lunch with Mrs Court and her large family.

  It was a busy life, too busy to be lonely, though there was a place inside Lizzie’s heart and head that was always alone. She wrote to Harry, cheerful letters about her work and her friends, but he sent her brief postcards about nothing in particular. She knew she’d made a mistake and wished that she had not married so swiftly, but she wouldn’t let herself cry over it. Lizzie had made her bed and she must lie in it.