Lizzie's Secret

by Rosie Clarke

  ‘I’m not really,’ Lizzie said. ‘I’m happy with the arrangement we have – and I think the business should come to you, Harry.’

  ‘Give his ideas some thought, Lizzie. It would mean security for your future – especially if I’m not around…’

  ‘Don’t – please don’t say anything.’

  ‘You have to face the facts, Lizzie. It’s more likely that I shall die than survive… Uncle Bertie is hoping we’ll have a son so that he can pass the business on. Oh, he didn’t say it but his hints were clear enough.’

  ‘I’m not sure I’ll be able to have a child,’ Lizzie said, ‘after what happened to me – the miscarriage and my long illness. I’m sorry, Harry. I thought it might happen after our holiday but it didn’t and I’ve wondered since if I was damaged inside.’

  ‘You should see a doctor and ask his opinion…’

  ‘Perhaps…’

  Harry took her by her upper arms, his fingers pressing into her flesh. ‘I mean it, Lizzie. I think you should find out if you are able to have a child.’

  ‘If you insist…’

  ‘I do,’ he said and his eyes looked cold, angry. Lizzie felt a sinking sensation inside. If she couldn’t have children Harry would resent her more than he already did. She knew that despite all his declarations of love, he still felt cheated because she hadn’t come to him as a virgin bride.

  ‘I’d better set the table,’ she said, feeling empty inside. Her marriage had been doomed from the moment Harry discovered her secret; it seemed Aunt Jane was right when she said that Lizzie should never marry. ‘Dinner will not be long.’

  ‘I’ll do it,’ Harry said. ‘I might as well make myself useful.’

  She nodded and turned away to start the vegetables cooking. Her eyes stung with tears and it was difficult to pretend that she was happy that her husband was home when she felt miserable. She’d promised to forgive him and she would try, but something inside her had gone out, like a candle in a storm; the confident love she’d felt had faded to a small knot in her chest and she thought it felt more like pity than love. He needed her and she couldn’t shut him out, but the joyous loving affection she’d felt for him had gone.

  Chapter 33

  Beth hung over the toilet, feeling wretched. She’d been sick twice that morning and she could no longer hope that her period would come and rescue her from the certain shame carrying a bastard child would bring on her and her family.

  She pulled the long chain and went to wash her hands; the water was only a trickle and brownish again, because the icy weather had caused another pipe burst. Shivering in the cold toilets, she rubbed her arms and wondered why she’d wanted to take up her present job away from home. At the moment she longed for nothing more than to be home with her mother – although she would be furious when she found out Beth was pregnant.

  Her frantic prayers had been unanswered. She was having Mark’s baby and she’d received no word from him in three months. Surely he must have returned from the Atlantic run before this?

  She considered the possibility that Mark had merely been toying with her affections, but dismissed it at once. Her heart told her that he’d loved her and she couldn’t – didn’t want to believe otherwise.

  Something must have happened to him. If Mark had been killed, , she would not know what to do, because she knew her father would throw her out once he learned of her shame. He might have tolerated it had it been Tony’s child, but not the child of a man he’d never met. Her father wouldn’t be the only one to turn her back on her when he found out the truth, everyone would. No, not everyone; Lizzie would still be her friend.

  Beth’s eyes stung with tears, because she felt so very low. She wanted Mark to be waiting for her when she left work. She longed for him to put his arms about her and tell her they would get married. There would be no problem with getting permission now, because Mum would sign when she knew the truth, even if her father still refused…

  Beth went down to the hall and checked to see if there were any messages for her in the pigeonholes that held their post, but as usual there was nothing.

  ‘Hi, Beth,’ one of the other nursing assistants caught up with her. ‘Our first exams are coming up next month. How are you getting on with your studies?’

  ‘Oh, not too bad, I think - what about you, Meg?’

  ‘I’m fairly confident, but I’d like someone to test me. Would you test me if I do the same for you?’

  ‘Yes, of course,’ Beth agreed, though she knew it no longer mattered whether or not she passed her exams.

  *

  Feeling tired, her back aching after a hard day scrubbing bedpans, running errands and assisting Sister Ross with a feverish patient, Beth was looking forward to a bath and supper.

  ‘Miss Court…’ Beth froze as she saw the imposing figure of Matron bearing down on her. Matron hardly ever spoke to the lowly nursing assistants and Beth had only seen her once since the welcome speech they’d been given when she arrived. ‘I want a word with you, please come to my office…’

  ‘Yes, Matron.’

  Beth’s heart was thudding as she followed her along the corridor and into the office she’d never entered before. She must have done something terrible to be summoned to Matron’s office, but she couldn’t think what it was – unless someone had guessed her secret.

  No, they couldn’t have, Beth decided as they paused outside the holy of holies and Matron turned to look at her with what Beth could only think was sympathy.

  ‘Please go in, Miss Court. Someone is waiting to see you…’

  Beth’s breath caught in her throat. Her first thought was that Mark had come at last, but it died instantly. Mark wouldn’t have done that – he would have waited outside the door of the nurses’ home. ‘Is something wrong?’

  ‘Yes, I believe so,’ Matron said. ‘Please go in. If there is anything I can do to assist you, please come to me in the morning…’

  ‘Thank you…’ Beth swallowed hard and then pushed open the door and went in to the office. All she noticed was the large mahogany desk and the shelves of books and files before her eyes came to rest on the man in uniform – the uniform of the Merchant Navy, she thought, and a high-ranking officer. Her throat tightened and she was suddenly short of breath. ‘You wanted to see me, sir?’

  ‘You are Miss Beth Court?’ he asked and the grave look in his face made her gasp. ‘Would you like to sit down, Miss Court?’ He drew a chair for her. ‘I’m afraid that what I have to tell you is rather distressing…’

  ‘Is it Mark?’ She couldn’t have sat down to save her life, because her chest felt as if it was being crushed and the room had started to spin. ‘Is he dead?

  ‘All we know for sure is that the vessel he was on was torpedoed by German U-boats,’ he said and his voice seemed to come from a long way off. ‘He may have been one of the lucky ones picked up by other ships in the area, but so far his name hasn’t come up – we’re classing him as missing in action, but of course there is always a chance…’

  Beth missed the last few sentences because she couldn’t breathe and the room seemed to be whirling round and round. A little cry of grief issued from her lips seconds before she fainted…

  *

  It wasn’t until eight weeks after Harry had gone back to his unit that Lizzie began to feel sick in the mornings. She was a few weeks late with her monthlies and the sickness confirmed what she’d been fearing for a while; she was having Harry’s baby, and it was a result of the rape, because he hadn’t touched herafter he’d abused her that night. Harry was too ashamed to approach her in bed and Lizzie wasn’t sure she could have accepted him had he tried. It was getting easier to forget what he’d done, but she knew something was broken – a bond of trust that had existed between them.

  It was almost as if he thought she didn’t deserve his respect – and that hurt so much that she had to keep shutting it out of her mind or it would have destroyed her. She sometimes wished that she had never married him – but i
t was too late for regret.

  She couldn’t leave Harry, not when she knew what he was going through, but she no longer missed him or longed for him to come back on leave.

  Lizzie hadn’t told anyone that she was having a child. The only person she felt like telling was Beth, but her friend was in Cambridge and it wasn’t the kind of secret she could divulge on the phone. Yet she needed to talk to her and so one evening she rang the number of the nurses’ home in Cambridge and asked for Beth.

  ‘Yes, she’s here,’ the disembodied voice at the other end sounded impatient. ‘I’ll call her…’

  Beth came to the phone at last, sounding breathless. ‘Who is it?’ she asked.

  ‘Lizzie, I wanted to talk, Beth. How are you? It seems ages since you were home on leave…’

  ‘I’m coming home next week,’ Beth said, a tremulous note in her voice. ‘They’re not keeping me on here…’

  ‘Why not?’ Lizzie demanded. ‘I’m sure you would make a fine nurse. What reason did they give?’

  ‘I’ll tell you next week,’ Beth said and Lizzie knew she was very upset. ‘It’s too public here to talk. Why did you ring me?’

  ‘Oh, just feeling a bit low,’ Lizzie said. ‘I was sick this morning again. I think I’m pregnant…’

  ‘You should be happy. Harry will be pleased, won’t he?’

  ‘I can’t explain on the phone, Beth – but we’re not getting on as well as we might…’

  ‘You’re so lucky to have someone who loves you,’ Beth sounded angry now. ‘You don’t know what you’ve got…’

  ‘Something is wrong, Beth. I knew it! Tell me now, please.’

  ‘I’ve been told that Mark’s ship went down,’ Beth said and choked on a sob. ‘He’s reported missing in action – but they think he didn’t survive because his name isn’t on the list of men picked up by ships in the convoy…’

  ‘Beth, no, I’m so sorry,’ Lizzie said, gripping the phone. Her own worries seemed to fade into nothingness. ‘Sorry isn’t the word, love, but I am – and I’m glad you’re coming home. It’s where you should be – even though I don’t understand why they’re letting you go…’

  ‘I’m in the same boat as you,’ Beth said and Lizzie was shocked. It was bad enough for Lizzie that she’d become pregnant and her marriage was failing, but for Beth it was a huge tragedy.

  ‘What will you do? Will your Mum take you in?’

  ‘I doubt Dad will let her,’ Beth said and Lizzie could hear the pain in her voice, raw and deep. ‘I’ll have to tell them – I fainted after I was told about Mark and Matron guessed. She demanded to know the truth and gave me two weeks’ notice.’

  ‘Couldn’t she have let you stay on for a while longer?’

  ‘She says not…’ Beth gave a hollow laugh. ‘Not a good example to her nurses…’

  ‘You can stay with me for a while. Harry won’t be back for weeks. You know I’d take you in, Beth, but when he’s home…’

  ‘It wouldn’t work, but I’ll come for a while if I get thrown out at home…’ She made a sound that might have been a laugh or a sob. ‘I suppose I’ll find work of some kind, until it shows anyway…’

  ‘Yes. I could have a word with Mr Oliver?’

  ‘No, I’d rather go somewhere they don’t know me. I’ll see what is on offer when I get home – not that I have a home now…’

  ‘We’ll find you somewhere. I’ll put my thinking cap on. You’ve still got me, love. You’ll always be my friend.’

  ‘Thanks, Liz,’ Beth said. ‘Don’t be surprised if I turn up on your doorstep with all my worldly goods…’

  ‘Just come. It isn’t the end of the world – and Mark might turn up on a foreign ship. It has happened before.’

  ‘Yes, I know. Matron said the same thing. She was amazingly kind really, but she’s strict over things like this…’ Beth lowered her voice. ‘I can’t talk anymore. I’ll see you soon…’

  Lizzie stared at the receiver as it went dead, replacing it with reluctance. The phone wasn’t a good place to talk about secrets, but Beth’s voice had made Lizzie open her heart and it had been the same for her – they needed each other more now than ever before…

  Chapter 34

  ‘Lizzie, that’s wonderful news,’ Ed said that morning. ‘I expect Harry is over the moon?’

  ‘I’ve written to tell him,’ Lizzie forced a smile. ‘His uncle was delighted. I’ve been told we need a boy to carry on the empire…’

  ‘Trust Oliver to think of that,’ Ed said scornfully. ‘You’ll stay on here until it gets too much for you?’

  ‘Yes, of course – and I’ll come back afterwards. Aunt Miriam has offered to look after the child when it’s born. Uncle Bertie says I can work as many hours as I can manage and I’m not to worry about money. You’d think I’d suddenly sprouted angels’ wings…’

  Ed laughed good-naturedly. ‘You’ll come to supper with us this evening, Lizzie? Madge is feeling much better and she is preparing one of her delicious pies. It’s the first time she’s cooked since she lost our son…’

  ‘Oh, Ed,’ Lizzie said. ‘I didn’t think – this must remind you of your loss…’

  ‘In a good way, only. I expect to be an honorary uncle and Madge will want her turn babysitting…’

  ‘Yes, of course. We’d better get on if we want to get those orders done on time. My angels’ wings might fall off if I try his patience too much.’

  Ed turned back to his bench. Lizzie picked up the pieces of an intricate hat she’d cut out and took it to Tilly with the tulle and silk flower she’d chosen. She lingered for a couple of minutes to explain what she needed and listen to Tilly’s troubles with her mother and her daughter, and then went back to work.

  It had been easier to tell the others after she’d spoken to Beth. With all the doubts and disappointment Lizzie felt over her own marriage, she knew she was a lot better off than Beth.

  Despite what she’d said to Beth, Lizzie suspected that if Mark had been picked up it would have been reported before this – and yet it was the only hope of a decent life left to her friend. Young women with babies and no wedding ring didn’t stand much chance in this critical world and Beth would find it hard to work and care for her child…

  *

  ‘Beth, what are you doing home?’ Mrs Court’s face lit up as Beth entered the kitchen. ‘What a wonderful surprise?’

  Beth hesitated, knowing that she had to be honest ‘I’m home for good, Mum,’ Beth said taking a deep breath. ‘I’ve been dismissed.’

  ‘Dismissed? Did you fail your exams or do your work badly? I thought you liked it there – were doing so well…’

  ‘I was,’ Beth said. Her insides felt twisted and she was curling up with shame as she went on, ‘I’m having Mark Allen’s baby – and he can’t marry me because he’s missing in action, presumed dead…’

  ‘Beth!’ The colour drained from her mother’s face and she looked utterly shocked. ‘Please tell me you’re joking…’

  ‘I wish I could, but it’s true. I’m sorry. I know I’ve let you down – but please don’t hate me, Mum. I can’t bear it if you do…’ Tears ran down her cheeks. ‘I loved him – I loved him so much… he was going to marry me as soon as we could get permission, but now…’

  Beth sat down on the old sofa, head bowed as the sobs burst from her. ‘I don’t know what to do…’

  ‘Your father will be angry,’ her mother said and the shock in her eyes had been replaced by a mixture of sorrow and anger. ‘You’ve let him down, Beth. I know he expected so much of you – you were always his favourite…’

  ‘Mark would have married me before he left but I knew Dad wouldn’t let us – it’s his fault. If he’d let me marry Tony this would never have happened…’

  ‘I thought you said you loved this man? Why would it have helped if you’d married Tony?’

  ‘Because I would never have met Mark or fallen in love with him,’ Beth said bitterly. ‘Oh, I don’t regret it in my heart, but I
can’t be blamed for this, Mum – Mark was going away. I wanted him to be happy and he loved me…’

  ‘You should have waited no matter how you both felt. We’ve warned you, Beth, brought you up to have proper values. I can’t believe that you’ve let us down like this – and I know what Derek will say…’

  ‘And what is that?’

  Beth froze as she heard her father’s voice and saw him in the hall doorway. He was wearing his old dressing gown and she could see that his nose was red. Beth had never known her father take a day off work for illness before, but it was obvious that he had done so today – and that he’d heard them talking.

  ‘Derek, don’t be too hard on her,’ Beth’s mother said, a look of alarm on her face. ‘Her boyfriend is missing in action and she’s lost her job – she’s suffered enough…’

  ‘For what she’s done she deserves to be horsewhipped,’ he said coldly. ‘She’s no daughter of mine – I don’t want her in this house…’

  ‘You can’t just throw her out. Where would she go?’

  ‘That’s up to her – there are places for girls like her…’

  ‘No, Derek! Whatever Beth has done she is still my daughter, I won’t have her going to one of those places.’

  ‘I won’t have her here. She can stay tonight, but tomorrow she goes…’

  ‘Please don’t do this,’ Beth’s mother pleaded. ‘I know she’s done wrong – but I can’t desert her.’

  ‘I shan’t stop you seeing her, but not here. I don’t want to see her face again and that’s final. I came down for a drink and now I’m going back to bed. I want her gone…’

  Beth hid her face in her hands. She couldn’t bear to see the scorn in her father’s eyes and his words struck her like a bucket of ice water For all her strictness, Matron had been kinder.

  Feeling the touch of soft hands on her head, Beth looked up. ‘He’s hurt and angry,’ her mother said. ‘I’ll talk to him and see if I can change his mind – but it may take a while, Beth.’

  ‘You won’t shut me out?’