Lizzie's Secret

by Rosie Clarke

  ‘You mustn’t think less of him, but Harry was afraid,’ Lizzie said. ‘All the dogfighting over the Channel, and the bombing of the airfields and the rest, well, that’s only just started to hot up – but Harry and Robbie, well, they were flying secret missions over German territory for months before this. They were being shot at and they risked death over and over again… Harry was frightened but more frightened of being thought a coward than dying.’

  ‘Then why did he take his own life?’ Beth asked, looking puzzled. ‘If he was afraid of death – it doesn’t make sense…’

  ‘I don’t know what happened, Beth He got drunk previously and when his CO told him to go home and sober up he threw a punch at him and said things – they put him in the lock-up overnight and were going to charge him, but his CO offered leave and a change of duty. Harry said he’d just been tired, and went on a mission, but when he came back he disappeared and then they found him – the car went up in flames.’

  ‘Oh Lizzie, no, that’s awful. I can understand him being upset – but surely he wouldn’t have taken his own life?’

  ‘I don’t understand it either. Robbie said the mission Harry went on was hell, but he wasn’t there to see whether something happened, or someone said something that made him ashamed…’

  ‘It doesn’t make sense still,’ Beth said. ‘Harry had everything…’

  ‘No,’ Lizzie said, her throat catching. ‘Things weren’t right between us – hadn’t been since his last leave.’

  Beth stared at her, and then inclined her head. ‘I suspected something was wrong – but I didn’t think it was more than a lover’s tiff…’

  ‘I married in a rush,’ Lizzie said, knowing she was only telling Beth half the truth, because she just couldn’t tell her about that night. ‘Perhaps it was my fault – because I disappointed him. Something went wrong between us…’

  ‘It’s all right, you don’t have to tell me,’ Beth said and then Lizzie gasped.

  She placed her hands to her belly. ‘He’s restless tonight, Beth. I think he’s in a rush to be born.’

  ‘You’re sure it’s a boy?’ Beth gave her a faint smile.

  ‘Miriam is,’ Lizzie said. ‘I just know I feel huge and I want it to be over.’

  ‘I was exactly the same towards the end, but it’s funny how soon you forget once the baby is here.’ Beth gave a little sob, ‘Oh, Lizzie, this is so awful for you. I wish I could help…’

  ‘Beth, I do love you,’ Lizzie hugged her. ‘I’m so glad you’re here with your mum and we’ve got each other. Sometimes, I feel so alone – I don’t know what I’d do without you.’

  ‘What are you going to tell Harry’s uncle?’

  ‘I’m not sure,’ Lizzie said. ‘I don’t want him to feel ashamed of Harry or think he was a coward but…’

  ‘Can’t you just say there was an accident?’

  ‘Do you think I could get away with that?’

  ‘Why not? Any official letters will come to you. They don’t have to know what actually happened.’

  ‘I suppose…’ Lizzie drew a sharp breath. ‘Perhaps I can keep the worst of it from them somehow…’

  ‘I shall tell Mum that Harry died in an accident. There’s no need for her or anyone else to know all the details. Why should they?’

  Lizzie nodded, feeling relief flood through her. Beth was right. It would be so much easier to tell Harry’s uncle and aunt that he’d died in an accident, and keep the rest to herself.

  ‘Yes, I think that’s what I’ll do. I’ll just tell them he died in a car accident – say he was tired and overworked and had a fatal accident…’

  ‘It will be better if no one knows the truth,’ Beth asserted. ‘People would gossip and point the finger and you don’t want that, Lizzie. Harry wasn’t a coward; he didn’t run away or refuse his duty, that’s what cowards do.’

  Lizzie agreed. In her mind Harry wasn’t a coward and she couldn’t help wondering if a part of the reason he’d broken down was because he was worried about coming home and facing her….

  Chapter 39

  ‘I shall have to get home,’ Lizzie said after she’d calmed down a little. ‘I’m sorry to dump my bad news on you, Beth, but I didn’t know what else to do…’

  ‘I’ll come with you. Mum will keep an eye on the twins. I can’t let you go all that way on your own…’

  Just as they were walking down the stairs together they heard the siren go off and looked at each other in dismay.

  Mrs Court came out into the hall as they reached it. She was wiping her hands on a towel and looked at them enquiringly.

  ‘Lizzie came to tell me her husband died,’ Beth said and her mother gave a little gasp of distress. ‘I was going to walk home with her, Mum. I can’t let her go on her own…’

  ‘Neither of you is going anywhere but under the stairs until we hear the all-clear,’ Mrs Court said. ‘After the last few nights, it just isn’t safe to be on the streets once the siren goes…’

  Lizzie was about to thank her when she felt the first pain strike her. She cried out and clutched at herself, swaying against the wall.

  ‘Oh – I’m so sorry, I think I’m starting the baby,’ Lizzie said, feeling oddly calm. ‘I’d booked to go to the hospital. If someone could telephone for a taxi…’

  ‘You’d never get one with a raid starting,’ Beth’s mother said firmly. ‘No, you’ll stay here with us, Lizzie, and if you have the baby we’ll manage.’

  ‘I’m so sorry to be a nuisance. I’ve got three weeks or so to go yet…’

  ‘Well, I’m afraid your baby has other ideas,’ Mrs Court said as Lizzie gasped and clutched at herself. ‘We’ll have to get you upstairs, air raid or no air raid,’ she said and turned to her husband, who had just come into the hall and was frowning at his daughter. ‘Don’t just stand there and stare, love – get a doctor or Mrs Benson down at number forty-five. She has delivered a few in her time – ask her to come first and then go for the doctor.’

  He looked at her for a moment and then turned and went into the kitchen, grabbing his coat. They heard the door slam after him. Lizzie clutched at Beth’s arm as the pain came again.

  ‘Is it supposed to come so often?’

  ‘I think it’s the shock of what you’ve been told,’ Beth’s mother said and put an arm about her. ‘Hang on to me, love, and we’ll get you upstairs. Beth’s grandmother had all her babies at home, and I had my first one at home, but after that Derek said hospital for the others – he couldn’t stand the sound of me screaming I suppose.’

  ‘Dad was annoyed with me coming down.’ Beth bit her lip. ‘I’m sorry, Mum. I know I’m supposed to stay in my room and I would if Lizzie hadn’t told me…’

  ‘I’d had a few vague pains this afternoon,’ Lizzie said. ‘I didn’t think it was anything…’

  ‘Shock will do it sometimes. It was terrible news, Lizzie. I am so very sorry, my dear.’

  ‘I think I can hear planes…’ Beth said as they reached the top of the stairs. ‘They sound close.’

  ‘They will be going for the docks again,’ her mother said warningly, but the look of anxiety on her face gave her away.

  ‘They don’t care where they drop them these days,’ Beth said. They heard an explosion, but it seemed to come from a long way off.

  ‘Just hang on for a moment while I strip the bed, Lizzie,’ Mrs Court said and pulled back the covers in what had been Lizzie’s room when she stayed here, throwing them carelessly over a chair. She took some sheets from the ottoman and folded them so that the thickness would prevent blood going through and spoiling the good sheets already on the bed. There wasn’t time to do more, because Lizzie was writhing in pain. ‘Come and lie down, love,’ she beckoned and then pulled a top sheet over her when she obeyed. ‘We’ll cover you up for a moment. Just lie whichever way you’re comfortable. Mrs Benson worked as a midwife until she had her family. She’ll know how close you are. You can scream all you like, love.’

  Lizzie la
y on her back and planted her feet on the bed with her knees up. She’d taken off her knickers, which were soaked through when her waters broke halfway up the stairs, as was her dress. She hitched it up a bit so that her legs were free, bracing as the pain ripped up through her and she gritted her teeth.

  Why had she ever let a man near her? This was unbearable! She’d never expected it to feel half as bad, never thought she would feel as if she were being ripped apart, but then she’d expected to give birth in hospital and be given gas and air to make it easier.

  Someone knocked at the street door and then opened it. A voice called from the hall downstairs. ‘It’s Maggie Benson. Shall I come up, Mrs Court? I’ve sent Mr Court off to get the doctor. No sense in the men hanging around is there?’

  Beth’s mother left them and went to the top of the stairs, calling Mrs Benson to come on up. Lizzie tried to hold back the scream and pushed as she tried to rid her body of the source of the terrible pain. Just as Mrs Court and Mrs Benson entered the room, she heard a huge explosion, much nearer than the earlier ones and let the scream rip.

  ‘That’s it, love, scream away,’ Maggie said. ‘I’ll take a quick look at you, Lizzie, and then I’ll give my hands a wash in the sink. I brought some special disinfectant with me. I keep a bottle in just in case I’m called out.’

  She lifted back the sheet that was still half covering Lizzie and looked at her. ‘Yes, you’re coming along nicely. I think you’re going to be lucky, young lady; you won’t have to go through hours of labour. Your baby is in a hurry to get here.’

  ‘No one could stand this for hours,’ Lizzie gritted her teeth as her body convulsed with agony.

  ‘You’d be surprised, especially in the old days when there wasn’t half the medical help there is around today.’ Maggie chuckled. ‘Why didn’t you go to the hospital earlier? You must have had warning pains?’

  ‘Nothing much,’ Lizzie said. ‘I was all right and then it just came on suddenly.’

  ‘Lizzie’s been told her husband was killed…’

  ‘Oh, that’s awful,’ Maggie said. ‘I’m so sorry, Lizzie. It’s getting so you dread the sight of a telegraph boy.’

  ‘Yes,’ Beth’s mother agreed. ‘Do you want to hold my hand, Lizzie?’

  ‘I’ll tie a towel to the bed rail,’ Maggie said. ‘I’ll wash my hands and come back. Hang on, love…’

  Lizzie grimaced as the cheerful Maggie went back downstairs to scrub her hands. ‘She seems to think it’s fun…’ she muttered. ‘Damn – bugger…’

  ‘Now then, language,’ Mrs Court said, holding her hand and wincing as she squeezed hard. ‘I know it hurts, I’ve been through it four times, remember – but it will pass soon. As Maggie says, it looks as if you’re going to be lucky…’

  Lizzie screamed again and a sudden urge to push made her bear down hard, gripping Mrs Court’s hand until she tried to pull away. There was a whooshing feeling and then something came through just as Maggie returned.

  ‘Ah, there we are,’ she said triumphantly. ‘What a clever girl you are, Lizzie – the head is out already. Now, have another go when you’re ready and we’ll soon be done.’

  Lizzie felt like hitting her, but the sound of a huge explosion that must have been at least in the street if not next door shocked her and in the terror of the moment she pushed hard and the rest of the child came slithering out in a mess of slime and blood.

  ‘What a brilliant way to have a baby,’ Maggie said. ‘I must recommend loud explosions to the medical team at the hospital. Good girl, Lizzie – and you’ve got a lovely little girl…’

  ‘Not a boy?’ Beth said. ‘Lizzie’s aunt was sure it was a boy…’

  ‘Well, we can all make mistakes,’ Maggie said and lifted the child away. ‘What a beauty. I’ll give her a nice wash and wrap her in a towel for now while I look after you…’

  ‘You’ll be all right now, love,’ Beth said. ‘I’d better go and feed the twins before they scream the place down.’ She smiled, kissed Lizzie and left.

  Lizzie lay back feeling exhausted, their words seeming a long way off. Just at this moment she wasn’t interested in what sex the child was, as long as it was all right. Maggie was saying how lucky she was to get it over so quickly, but Lizzie just felt drained. Perhaps it was because Harry had seemingly taken his own life that she wished she’d died during childbirth. Perhaps if she’d got caught on the street while the bombs were dropping, it would have ended there and she wouldn’t feel this aching emptiness inside. Her eyes were gritty and yet she couldn’t cry; her tears were locked inside her, making her hurt. The pain of learning of Harry’s death was worse than the pain of childbirth and she wished she could just go to sleep and never wake up again. Just at this moment she didn’t want to think about the future she would have to face alone or even her baby.

  The bombs were still dropping but further away now. Lizzie felt exhausted, drained. Maggie was cleaning her and disposing of the afterbirth. She slipped the bloody sheets from under Lizzie and Beth’s mother took them away.

  ‘I’ll get you out of that dress and into a clean nightie,’ Maggie said. ‘You’ll feel a lot better soon, Lizzie. You’re a really lucky girl to have such a lovely baby and so easily too.’

  Lizzie was feeling sore and her body ached. All she wanted to do was sleep, but Maggie insisted she hold the baby for a few moments.

  ‘It’s that special bonding,’ she said, smiling as she placed the soft sweet bundle in Lizzie’s arms. ‘I’m going home now; I’ll come back later and see how you’re getting on.’

  ‘Thank you. It was good of you to come – and in the middle of an air raid.’

  ‘I reckon we just got the tail end of it. They probably had a couple left over from bombing the docks and thought they would give us the pleasure of a little visit.’

  ‘Rotten devils,’ Lizzie muttered. She looked down at the pink and delicate face of her baby and felt the weariness slip away as she saw her pout. Instead of the emptiness there was an enveloping warmth that held her and the child wrapped together. ‘Yes, I know. It was mean of me to bring you here while that was going on, wasn’t it?’

  ‘What are you going to call her?’ Maggie asked, lingering.

  ‘Elizabeth, perhaps, or Betty for short.’

  ‘Lovely names.’

  ‘Yes, my mother was Elizabeth – and there’s Beth, of course. I’ll call her Betty, I think.’

  ‘Righto,’ Maggie said. ‘I’ll see you in a bit, little Betty – and Lizzie…’

  Beth’s mother came in carrying a tray with a slice of toast and marmalade and a cup of tea. She set it down on the chest beside the bed and looked at the baby.

  ‘She’s lovely. Let me put her in the spare cot. It’s old but will do for now.’

  ‘It’s so good of you,’ Lizzie said, reluctantly giving the baby into Mrs Court’s arms. ‘I feel awful causing all this extra work for you – you must have enough to do looking after the twins.’

  ‘Beth does most of it herself. She’ll miss that if she has to leave them to go to work.’

  ‘Yes, she will…’ Lizzie heard her baby whimpering. ‘Maggie said to feed her as soon as I feel able…’

  ‘You have a rest for a bit,’ Beth’s mother said. ‘Eat this toast and drink your tea, Lizzie love. I’ll see to the baby for a bit if she cries – and Beth will be back when she’s finished feeding the twins.’

  *

  Mrs Court wouldn’t hear of Lizzie leaving until she was over the birth. She fussed over her and the child. Lizzie and Beth spent ages talking and laughing, sharing the experience of two young mothers learning to look after their babies. Beth was ahead of Lizzie and was able to show her a few tricks, but she’d had to supplement her milk with a bottle for Matt, because he was always hungry and she couldn’t satisfy both the twins.

  ‘I feel guilty about giving your mum all this extra work.’

  ‘Mum loves babies; besides, what would you have done on your own in that flat? Even if the doctor
had been in time to help, which I doubt, and sent his nurse to help care for you, you’d have spent too much time alone. This way I help mum and don’t feel guilty about being here. Dad has given me a few funny looks when he’s caught me doing ironing and washing but he hasn’t told me to leave and never darken his door again…’

  ‘You haven’t thought anymore about taking Bernie’s offer of marriage then?’

  ‘Mum says to be sure it’s what I want.’ Beth looked uncertain, then, ‘I went to the workshop and told Harry’s uncle you’d had the baby with us, but I didn’t say anything about Harry.’

  ‘Thank you.’ Lizzie smothered a sigh. ‘I’m not sure what to do about the funeral. Uncle Bertie would arrange it I know – but he’d find out the truth and…’ Lizzie shook her head. ‘Could you go round to my flat in the morning and see if there’s a letter. Robbie told me there should be an official letter – perhaps it will tell me what to do…’

  ‘Yes, of course I will. Don’t worry about it, Lizzie. There’s nothing you can do lying here, is there?’

  ‘I don’t know who to contact…’ Lizzie plucked at the bedcovers. ‘Why did it have to happen, Beth?’

  ‘I don’t know…’ Beth sighed as they heard a knock at the door. ‘Someone is at the door. Mum is out so I’ll go down and answer it…’

  he went down the stairs. Lizzie heard her talking to someone and then she came back, looking uncertain.

  ‘It’s Harry’s uncle. He’s brought you some flowers and asked if you were well enough to see him…’

  Lizzie pulled her borrowed bed jacket to at the front and nodded. ‘Ask him to come up, Beth – I might as well get it over…’

  She closed her eyes, trying to think of what to say as she heard the exchange of voices and then the heavy tread of a man’s steps coming upstairs.

  ‘Well, then, Lizzie, that was a shock when I heard you were here and the baby was early…’

  ‘Yes, by several weeks,’ Lizzie whispered and then, gathering courage, ‘she was born during an air raid – but I had some terrible news before then. I’m sorry, Uncle Bertie, but there’s no other way I can tell you… Harry is dead…’