Tommy Puke and the Boy with the Golden Barf

by Robert T. Jeschonek

  At first, I wasn't sure what I saw. The sun had gone down, and dusk was settling over us, making it harder to see. But when Tommy let me lower the baggie, the corn's condition became clear.

  "Gold again." I pinched the kernel through the baggie, and it was hard and metallic like before. "Which means..."

  "Chonganda is in that direction." Tommy pointed a finger at the woods in front of the shack. "So now we know where we're going next."

  "Where's that?"

  "One of my favorite places." Tommy grinned and let go of my hand. "I know it well. I hang out there all the time."

  I frowned. "So what is it, exactly?"

  His eyes lit up when he said it. "The sewage treatment plant, of course."

  *****

  Chapter 14

  Is there such a thing as a "house skunk?" According to Tommy, there is, which is why he said it would be okay to leave Gertrude in Mr. D.'s shack. He made sure she had plenty of food and water, and then he kissed her goodbye on the nose. He wasn't a bit worried that she'd wreck the place; she'd lived there all her life, apparently. She'd had the run of the place since Mr. D. had gone to the nursing home. She could come and go as she pleased, thanks to a tiny flap in the back door.

  Once Gertrude was squared away, Tommy and I set out through the woods. We had flashlights from Mr. D.'s, which we needed, since dusk was quickly turning into night.

  Even with the flashlights, the woods were creepier than before. I heard lots of scratching and scuffling sounds in the brush. The moon was full, but there were shadows everywhere, concealing what I imagined were lurking horrors. I hoped we would get where we were going before night fell completely.

  As we hiked, I checked the corn in the baggie often, dangling it in the beam of my flashlight. Each time I looked, the gold seemed to glitter more brightly.

  "We're definitely getting closer," said Tommy. "Tonight's the night we come face to face with Chonganda."

  "Then what?" I asked him. "You said you wanted to get the golden barf, right? But what then?"

  "You can have it." Tommy aimed his flashlight dead ahead and kept walking. "The golden barf is all yours."

  Frowning, I fell into step behind him. "But I thought you wanted it. I thought that was the whole reason for this quest."

  His twin plumes of greasy hair bobbed as he shook his head. "The golden barf could make you rich. Then maybe the kids at school won't pick on you. Maybe you'll be popular." Tommy released an echoing belch. "If that's what you want, that is."

  I wasn't sure what to say to that. Was that what I wanted? To be like all the rest? "Then what do you want, Tommy? If you don't want the golden barf, what do you want?"

  Tommy stopped for a moment. "Chonganda and I are both descendants of Bumba, the god of vomit. We're like brothers." He wheezed out a snot rocket and wiped his nose on his arm. "We're like family, Josh, and that's what I want. I want family."

  "But you're a cynic like Diogenes, right? You don't care what other people think. You don't want to be like them."

  "Doesn't mean I'm not lonely," said Tommy, and then he kept walking through the darkening night.

  *****

  Chapter 15

  I'm not sure how long we walked through the woods. I truly lost track of time.

  But eventually, I saw lights in the distance, glowing through the trees. And not long after that first glimpse, I smelled the proof that we were approaching our destination.

  The aroma of raw sewage flowed through the air, thick as pudding, strong as sulfur. I gagged when it hit me, then switched to breathing through my mouth to cut the stink.

  As for Tommy, he inhaled one deep breath after another direct through his nose, beaming like he was smelling the sweetest perfume. "Ahhh." He actually turned a little circle of pure happiness on the path. "Just wonderful."

  A little further on, the woods ended, and the plant lay before us. It was surrounded by a chain link fence topped with loops of barbed wire. Bright lights around the perimeter shone down on huge, bubbling pools of orange sewage, six of them arranged in a row. Huge pipes led from one to the next, and from the first in the row to a rectangular white building.

  "He's in there." Tommy stepped up to the fence and wrapped his fingers through the chain links. "I can feel it."

  I stepped up beside him and checked the corn: more glittery than ever. "So how do we get in after him?"

  "Not a prob." Tommy grinned. "I've got a key."

  Sure enough, he did. Walking along the fence, we came to an entry gate with a magnetic lock on it. It had a key card reader like the ones I'd seen in stores for swiping credit cards. There were two little lights on the reader, and the red one was lit.

  Tommy handed me the flashlight and fished in his pockets, pulling out all kinds of gross stuff. He brought out a glob of chewing gum studded with gray and white lint; a clump of hair stuck together with some kind of gluey substance; what looked like a plump, dead slug; a dried, black patch that could have been a scab or a huge booger; and a handful of squirming white maggots.

  Finally, he pulled out a white plastic card with a black magnetic strip on one side. When he slid it through the reader, the red light went out, and a green one flashed on. The lock clacked open, and the gate swung free.

  We pushed through, closed it behind us, and headed for the white building at the start of the row of pools.

  *****

  Chapter 16

  Tommy let us in to the building with his key card. The lights came on automatically when we entered.

  As the door closed behind us, he strolled around like he felt right at home. "Too bad the gang's not here. You'd love those guys."

  Looking around, I thought the place seemed kind of small for a control center. There were computers and monitors on desks, all blinking and humming with activity. At the front of the room, the huge pipes from outside crossed through the wall, then elbowed down into the floor, mounted with big red shutoff valves. The back half of the place was dominated by other pipes and valves and equipment, plus red metal rails framing a stairway descending into the floor.

  There was a huge map of the sewer system on the side wall, and I walked over to check it out. "So what do you do when you hang out here, anyway?"

  "You name it," said Tommy. "Sometimes I even go down and clean up the underground junction. It can get pretty clogged up."

  "You like doing that kind of work?"

  "It's in my blood." Tommy laughed. "Which is just one of the reasons the guys who work here think I rock."

  Turning away from the map on the wall, I pulled the baggie out of my pocket and unrolled it. When I held it up to the light, I saw that the corn inside had changed again. "It's glowing, Tommy! The corn's all lit up!"

  "Then we're closer than ever." Tommy walked over and gazed at the illuminated kernel. "It's like we're right on top of him."

  "You mean literally?" I looked down at the floor. "Like he's below us?"

  Tommy nodded. "Come with me." He walked to the stairway at the back of the room and leaned on the red railing, staring down into the shadows. "What's it doing now, Josh?"

  As I walked over to stand beside him, I thought I felt the baggie moving. Sure enough, when I held it up near the railing, the golden corn was vibrating. "Holy smokes! It's moving!"

  "Hold it over the stairs," said Tommy, and I did.

  That was when the solid gold kernel started jumping in the baggie.

  "I guess we know where Chonganda is." Tommy combed his dirt-encrusted fingers through his grease-soaked hair. "We know exactly where we're going next, don't we?"

  Gazing down into the darkness, I swallowed hard. "Do you think he's waiting for us?"

  "Does it matter at this point?" Tommy shrugged. "We're still going, aren't we?"

  My hands were sweaty, and my heart was speeding up. I wondered what I was about to walk into. "I guess so."

  Tommy patted my shoulder and grinned. "The thing to remember is, we're not alone. We can handle anything as long as we have ea
ch other, right?"

  "Right." I nodded nervously.

  "Then let's go." Tommy ripped a monstrous fart as he headed for the stairs. I hung back a moment, hoping the fumes would clear, and then I followed him.

  My eyes stung and watered as I set foot on the first step. The fumes from his fart hadn't cleared by a long shot.

  Midway down the stairs, Tommy flipped a switch on the wall of the stairwell. Nothing happened. "The lights are out." Raising his flashlight, he turned it on with the press of a button. "Good thing we've got these."

  I shivered as I turned on my own flashlight. "Are you sure it's enough? I mean, it's pitch black down there, isn't it?"

  "Relax!" Tommy reached under his shirt and picked his belly button. "I know these tunnels by heart, remember? We'll be fine if we stick together." When he pulled his finger out of his navel, it was coated with some kind of white slime, which he wiped on the wall. "You know you can depend on me, right?"

  I stared at the white smudge he'd left on the concrete and nodded. "Right." That was what I said. But the truth was, I wasn't feeling so sure about depending on Tommy Puke at that moment.

  I'd known him less than a day. He'd done amazing things, taken me on an incredible adventure, but could I trust him with my life down in the darkness, facing some kind of crazy god?

  Tommy continued down the stairs, but I just stood there, wondering if I should turn back. No one would blame me; they'd say it was crazier not to turn back.

  Then again, did I really care what other people might think? As a rule, they hadn't treated me so great so far, had they? Other than my parents and grandparents, how many people had stood up for me? Who had put themselves on the line for me when I was in danger?

  Tommy Puke, that's who.

  "Wait up!" Which is why I walked down into the darkness after him, armed only with a flashlight and a glowing kernel of corn.

  *****

  Chapter 17

  That's how I got to be here, following Tommy through the sewer on the trail of the boy who barfs gold.

  "Look!" Tommy points a filthy finger at a shadowy niche in the sewer wall. "There it is!"

  As I lean forward to look over his shoulder, my eyes cross from the stench of his body odor. I want to lean back to get away from the smell...but then I catch sight of what he's pointing at, gleaming in the flare of his flashlight.

  It looks like a golden blob, as if a bar of pure gold had melted into a puddle, then hardened again. The puddle is lumpy, as if the molten gold had oozed over a cluster of pebbles. Either that...

  ...or it's exactly what he said it was. The object of the crazy and stomach-churning quest he's taken me on. The legendary prize that's supposed to change my life forever.

  Solid gold vomit.

  "You know what this means, don't you, Josh?" Tommy scratches his head, and dandruff flakes shower down from his unwashed rat's nest of hair. "We're close now! This is his lair!"

  I look around nervously. "Do you really think so?"

  "We're about to find him!" Tommy turns and grins. "We're going to meet the son of the god of vomit! We're about to throw down with the Boy Who Barfs Gold!"

  Suddenly, a strange voice booms from the darkness ahead. "Don't you mean throw up?"

  Tommy and I both swing our flashlight beams in the direction of that voice. I think I spot a flicker of movement, and I try to follow it, but all I see are concrete walls oozing with raw sewage.

  "Chonganda?" Tommy sounds giddy as he calls the name. "It's me, Tommy! Tommy Puke!"

  I, on the other hand, don't feel giddy at all. All the hairs on the back of my neck stand at attention as I sweep my flashlight around the sewer. It's like knowing there's a ghost coming to get you; we heard his voice, we know he's close, but we can't see a trace of him.

  "We mean you no harm," says Tommy. "We just want to meet you. We have a lot in common, you and I."

  I think I hear a shuffling sound across the sewer, and I zip the beam of my flashlight toward it. I scan the light from side to side, revealing nothing new...

  And suddenly, that strange voice is right next to me, whispering in my ear. "I'll chew you up and vomit you out, boy."

  I cry out and stumble away, whipping my flashlight around to catch the culprit...but no one's there. Just walls coated with sewage.

  And then I bump into Tommy, and I think it's Chonganda, and I freak out. I twist around, flailing with both arms, trying to fight off whoever's stalking us.

  In the process, I knock the flashlight right out of Tommy's hand. I hear it crash off the wall and drop in a pool of sewage with a splash.

  Suddenly, we're down to one flashlight.

  *****

  Chapter 18

  "I'm sorry, Tommy!" I shine the light on him, throwing a huge shadow from his warty pickle nose. "He was right there beside me!"

  Tommy still doesn't look worried. "Give me that a second." He reaches for the flashlight, and I hand it over. "All right, Chonganda! We'll play it your way!" With that, he turns off the light...and throws it.

  I feel the breeze of it flying past me, and I hear it splash down into the sewage. My heart speeds up a thousand times faster as I realize just how dead we are.

  "You don't like the light?" says Tommy. "Fine! We're all in the dark now."

  I stay as close to Tommy as I can, watching the absolute darkness for any sign of attack. I listen as hard as I can, but every little noise sounds deafening. Even the dripping of sewage sounds like a disembodied vomit-god gliding toward me.

  "Can we talk now?" Tommy sounds as calm as ever. "I think we might be related, Chonganda. I think we might be cousins or something."

  For a moment, nothing changes. The sewage continues to drip, and the voice remains silent.

  Then, I feel a gust of wind, and Tommy cries out. I hear him fall against something and come down with a splash a few yards away.

  "Fool!" The voice of Chonganda is back, booming through the sewer like thunder. "How dare you claim kinship with a god?"

  I hear Tommy sputter and slosh in the sewage. "No, wait! I'm an admirer. I just want to hang out and..."

  "Mortal scum!" roars Chonganda. "You will not steal my treasure! You will not take the golden vomit!"

  I'm not sure what happens next, but it sounds like Tommy gets knocked around again. I hear his body slam into something--the wall, probably--and he lets loose a howl of pain.

  "What a puny specimen!" Chonganda's laughter echoes through the sewer. "You miserable excuse for a snot rag."

  Tommy coughs something up and spits it out. "I've worked so hard to find you, Chonganda. Can't you just hear me out?"

  "You sound like constant farting to me!" Chonganda laughs again. "Farting that ought to be squelched."

  Again, I hear the sounds of furious motion, but this time is worse than before. There are several collisions, each one knocking a fresh cry of pain out of Tommy. The loudest one comes when he splashes down again.

  "Awww!" Chonganda's voice booms louder than ever. "Poor baby! Did I hurt your feelings? Did I make you cry?"

  It's then that something changes inside me. Until this moment, I've been too terrified to move a muscle. I've been too scared that Chonganda will come for me, too.

  But hearing him beat up Tommy strikes a chord. Hearing him ridicule and laugh at him reminds me of a similar scene. Lots of them, actually.

  Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt.

  And I realize, as scared as I am, that I have to do something. I have to deal with this bully the only way he understands...with strength. The same way Tommy dealt with those other bullies when we first met.

  Even if it kills me.

  *****

  Chapter 19

  I take a deep breath and square my shoulders. "That's enough!"

  As soon as the words leave my lips, I feel a rush of air on my face. I sense his presence there in front of me, inches away.

  "What did you say?" His deep voice curdles like smoke in the pitch blackness. "What did you sa
y to me?" He has the worst vomit breath I've ever smelled in my life, tangy and putrid and fishy and sweet.

  It makes me want to puke, and I have to fight the urge. "I said that's enough! Leave my friend alone! Quit acting like a jerk!" I have to fight to keep myself from shaking, too. I hope he can't sense how scared I am right at this moment.

  "A jerk? Is that what I am?" Chonganda roars with cruel laughter. "Who are you to call a god like me a jerk?"

  "A god, that's who!" The words tumble from my mouth, surprising me when I hear them out loud. I'm thinking so fast, I can't keep up with myself. "A god like you!"

  I didn't think Chonganda could get any closer, but he does. "If you're such a god, what's your name?"

  My mind races, and I surprise myself again. "Mighty Jiggles!"

  Chonganda breathes more putrid vomit breath in my face. I can't tell if he's taking me seriously or just biding his time till he squashes me like a bug. "And what are you god of, Mighty Jiggles?"

  "God of shaking." I bark out the words with as much confidence as I can muster. If there's any chance at all of him backing down, I need to be totally convincing. "I have power over all manner of vibrations!"

  "Vibrations?" Chonganda snickers. "Not much of a power, is it?"

  Good thing I've read so many comic books. "Not much of a power, you say?" The words pour out of me like dialogue on the page of a super-hero comic. "Only if you think an earthquake isn't powerful! Only if shaking apart a mountain range means nothing to you!"

  For a moment that feels like a month, the only thing I hear from Chonganda is the rasping of his putrid breath. I start to worry that he hasn't bought a word I've said. I mean, come on: Jiggles, god of shaking? How intimidating is that? I could've done so much better.