Writing a Killer Thriller

by Jodie Renner

  Robert Dugoni also uses the jump-cut technique masterfully in his legal thriller Murder One, where he abruptly stops chapters and scenes at critical moments and leaves us hanging while he jumps to a new nail-biting scene, with no transition. Here’s a scene ending from this novel:

  Sloan turned. “Look, just get your—”

  The man held open his leather car coat, displaying the butt of a handgun. A second man, also wearing a car coat, despite the heat and humidity, got out of a nearby parked car.

  And everything registered.

  Vasiliev.

  And a chapter ending, later in Dugoni’s novel:

  ...Rowe knocked on a door to their right, presumably the bedroom, and called out Oberman’s name. When he got no answer, he pushed it open, ran his hand along the wall, and flipped another light switch.

  Stepping in, he said, “What the Sam Hill?”

  Then the next chapter starts with different characters in another location. This unpredictable approach keeps readers off-balance, alert, and eager to find out what happens next.

  Back to TOC

  Chapter 20

  RIVET YOUR READERS WITH SAVVY SENTENCE STRUCTURE AND SPACING

  Think about how you can use the white space on your page as well as sentence and paragraph structure to help focus the readers, add tension and create the mood you’re after.

  Tricks for keeping your readers’ interest and attention

  ~ Vary the length of your sentences.

  All short sentences can seem choppy and staccato. All long sentences lack tension. Combining the two artfully adds variety and keeps readers on their toes.

  A short example from Something Wicked, by Lisa Jackson and Nancy Bush:

  Lang slowly pulled the plastic bag nearer to get a closer look at the knife inside. “Catherine isn’t the type to let out her secrets. Ever. What the hell is she doing?”

  ~ Use Sentence Structure to Add Emphasis

  Power positions

  If you put significant words at the end of the sentence, that’s the last thought the reader is left with in that sentence, so that concept/idea stands out more and resonates with the reader.

  Alternately, if you put a character’s immediate inner reaction at the beginning of a paragraph, it stands out more and is more effective.

  What! She couldn’t believe it.

  Damn! Where is that key?

  These are some of the power positions of words in a sentence, paragraph, or page, courtesy of Elizabeth Lyon:

  – First and last words in a sentence

  – First and last sentences in a paragraph

  – First and last paragraphs in a chapter

  – First and last pages of a novel

  – First and last chapters of a novel

  As Lyon says, “When a word, phrase, or sentence is in a first position, it serves as a hook to draw the reader in. The impact of the last position should cinch the meaning of the sentence or paragraph, and create suspense and curiosity leading to the next hook.”

  Notice the heightened impact of the placement of the first sentence and last word in this paragraph from Allison Brennan’s Love Me to Death:

  Liquid date-rape drugs. Lucy dry heaved, waves of first fiery heat then icy cold coursing through her nerve endings. Her skin turned clammy, and she stumbled as she stood and ran to the bathroom, fearing she’d get sick.

  ~ Divide up long sentences to isolate each important point.

  To create a pause for effect, give each important point its own sentence.

  Don’t run a bunch of important ideas in together in one long sentence, as each will be diminished a bit. Shorter sentences give a pause so the reader focuses more on the impact of each individual point made, each in its own sentence (or sentence fragment).

  Here’s an example from Sandra Brown’s romantic suspense, Chill Factor:

  What a clever modus operandi. He befriended his victims. Romanced them into a sentimental stupor. Made sweet love to them. But at some point, the tender lovemaking turned violent.

  Here’s a great paragraph from Iris Johansen’s Stalemate:

  All right, play it over so it couldn’t sneak up on her. She closed her eyes. Black mamba striking at her. The drop cloth falling from her hand. The lamp hurling through the air. The snake coming. Coming. Coming. Montalvo shooting the snake. The snake was dead. Nothing to fear. Nothing to fear.

  And one from Lisa Gardner’s The Neighbor:

  ...if something doesn’t give soon, I’m gonna plant my fist into his face. Or maybe not his face. Maybe the wall. Except maybe not the wall. Maybe the glass window. That will shatter my hand, and...

  ~ Add white space for emphasis.

  Isolate critical points, words, or thoughts on their own line/paragraph, to underline their significance.

  Tess Gerritsen shows us how, in her thriller, Never Say Die:

  ...He knew he couldn’t stand the thought of her being hurt, that he’d do anything to keep her safe. Was love the name for that feeling?

  Somewhere in the night, an animal screamed.

  He tightened his grip on the rifle.

  Four more hours until dawn.

  At first light the attack came.

  Here’s another example from Allison Brennan’s Love Me to Death:

  Setup: Lucy Kincaid, the protagonist, sees a headline in the newspaper and stops to read the story.

  She brought the paper to the kitchen table. Normally she didn’t care about drug-related crimes, but since a student from a nearby college was involved, it piqued her interest.

  The story was shocking.

  Having that last statement on its own line sets it apart and underlines her feelings about the story. It definitely made me want to read on, to find out about the shocking story.

  And here’s Jack Reacher, in Lee Child’s Gone Tomorrow, on his way to the hotel room of a woman named Lila:

  ...The lobby was quiet. I walked in like I had a right to be there and rode the elevator to Lila Hoth’s floor. Walked the silent corridor and paused outside her suite.

  Her door was open an inch.

  The tongue of the security deadbolt was out and the spring closer had trapped it against the jamb. I paused another second and knocked.

  No response.

  I pushed the door and felt the mechanism push back. I held it open forty-five degrees against my spread fingers and listened.

  No sound inside.

  And it goes on like this.

  For even more emphasis, start a new line for the important sentence, sentence fragment, or word, then end the scene or chapter. So a bit of white space, the word or sentence, then the scene or chapter ends, so the significant word or sentence resonates into space.

  Here’s an example from Dennis Lehane’s Shutter Island of ending a chapter with an intriguing last line – the thoughts of the protagonist, Teddy:

  How the hell did I get shoe polish on my thumbs?

  ~ Use sentence fragments.

  Use partial sentences or sentence fragments often in dialogue and thoughts, and at other times to pick up the pace and add to a feeling of rushing, breathlessness, fright, impatience, anger, confusion or annoyance.

  Or, conversely, sentence fragments with frequent periods can create a feeling of stopping briefly to focus on each detail, one after the other, rather than skipping along.

  Here’s an example from a Jack Reacher thriller, The Hard Way, by Lee Child:

  ... Reacher followed him to the master bedroom suite. The pencil post bed, the armoire, the desk. The silence. The photograph. Lane opened his closet. The narrower of the two doors. Inside was a shallow recess, and then another door. To the left of the inner door was a security keypad. It was the same type of three-by-three-plus zero matrix as Lauren Pauling had used at her office. Lane used his left hand. Index finger, curled. Ring finger, straight. Middle finger, straight. Middle finger, curled. 3785, Reacher thought. Dumb or distracted to let me see. The keypad beeped and Lane opened the inner door. Reached insi
de to pull a chain....

  Notice how effective the short staccato sentences and sentence fragments are to illustrate Reacher’s concentration and attention to every little visual in the room and the critical details of opening of the safe.

  At other times, Lee Child will use great long run-on sentences for other effects, like racing or breathlessness.

  ~ For emphasis, use the occasional one- or two-word sentence.

  According to Elizabeth Lyon, “One-word sentences are a stop sign. They make the reader slam on the brakes with sudden awareness of stopping. The sleepwalking reader wakes up. One-word sentences have power.” But be sure you don’t waste that power by squandering it on a meaningless or ordinary word, one unworthy of the emphasis.

  Here’s an example of a strong word singled out for more emphasis.

  What a tragedy. Senseless. She sat, shoulders slumped, fighting back the tears.

  The Hunger Games:

  Katniss has been badly stung by nasty tracker jacker wasps.

  The swelling. The pain. The ooze. Watching Glimmer twitching to death on the ground.

  ~ Use rapid-fire dialogue.

  At times of high conflict, tension, or stress, for dialogue, use short, terse sentences, sentence fragments, interruptions, evasions, and silences. Short, even one-word or two-word questions and answers pick up the pace and add punch and tension.

  Here’s an excellent example from David Morrell’s riveting thriller The Brotherhood of the Rose:

  Setup: Saul, the protagonist, exhausted, cold, and wounded, is trying to talk a truck driver into giving him a ride.

  The driver stiffened when he saw him.

  “Fifty bucks for a ride,” Saul said.

  “Against the rules. You see that sign? No passengers. I’d lose my job.”

  “A hundred.”

  “So you mug me when you get the chance. Or your buddies hijack the truck.”

  “Two hundred.”

  The driver pointed. “Blood on your clothes. You’ve been in a fight, or you’re wanted by the cops.”

  “I cut myself shaving. Three.”

  “No way. I’ve got a wife and kids.”

  “Four. That’s my limit.”

  “Not enough.”

  “I’ll wait for another driver.” Saul walked toward a different truck.

  “Hey, buddy.”

  Saul turned.

  “That kind of money, you must really need to get out of town.”

  “My father’s sick.”

  The driver laughed. “And so’s my bank account. I hoped you’d offer five.”

  “Don’t have it.”

  “Ever seen Atlanta?”

  “No,” Saul lied.

  “You’re going to.” The driver held out his hand. “The money.”

  “Half now.”

  And so on. I could easily keep reading and typing! This is also an excellent example of natural-sounding dialogue between two tough males.

  Resources:

  Elizabeth Lyon, Manuscript Makeover

  Jodie’s reading and editing of thrillers

  Back to TOC

  Chapter 21

  TIGHTEN YOUR WRITING AND PICK UP THE PACE

  In a suspense-thriller (or any compelling fiction), it’s important to write succinctly and economically. There’s no place for long descriptions or lengthy philosophizing or meandering sentences. Leave that to more leisurely genres. Your paragraphs and sentences need to be tight, and your language needs to be concrete, vivid, sensory, concise, and to the point. Almost every sentence should have some tension or movement in it, and every paragraph should advance the plot or contribute to characterization.

  As Steve Berry says: “Shorter is always better. Write tight. It makes you use the best words in the right way.” Succinct, to-the-point writing produces the fast pace demanded by thrillers.

  Don’t meander or ramble. Don’t wax eloquent. Don’t use obtuse, show-offy words that will send your readers to the dictionary. Direct, evocative words are much more powerful. Avoid the convoluted, erudite sentence structure popular in previous centuries. And don’t say the same thing three or four times in different ways – we got it the first time! Also, stay away from those stale clichés.

  As Harlan Coben says about writing his thrillers, “I want it to be compulsive reading. So on every page, every paragraph, every sentence, every word, I ask myself, ‘Is this compelling? Is this gripping? Is this moving the story forward?’ And if it’s not, I have to find a way to change it…. No word really should be wasted.”

  So write tight. Direct is more powerful.

  TIPS FOR WRITING TIGHTER

  ~ In general, declutter paragraphs and sentences.

  Get out your scissors and see where you can snip. Try to take one unneeded or weak word (or more) out of most sentences, and one superfluous sentence or more out of medium and long paragraphs. Can some entire paragraphs be deleted? Or most of their contents? Make every word count. And of course tighten any scenes that start too early or go on for too long. And delete any scenes that aren’t pulling their weight.

  Here are some before-and-after examples, disguised, from various novels I’ve edited, to demonstrate cutting out superfluous words to streamline paragraphs and sentences for greater impact:

  Setup: A tense, edgy scene in a bar. As originally written, it’s too wordy and conversational, almost meandering, when terse would be more effective to mirror the tension of the situation:

  Before:

  Then he continued, speaking just loudly enough to be heard by Chad but not by any of the surrounding drinkers, not that anyone seemed to be listening. “Here’s what we’re going to do,” he said.

  After:

  Then he continued in a low voice, “Here’s what we’re going to do.”

  And from a different novel:

  Before:

  “Let’s check the nearby neighbors ourselves,” Steve said, and looked around. “Mostly young families, so they should have been home last night,” Steve suggested. If she was killed somewhere besides in her own home, he had to find that place, and finding her car might tell him something about where she had been before she was killed.

  After:

  “Let’s check the nearby neighbors ourselves.” Steve looked around. “Mostly young families, so they should have been home last night.” If she was killed somewhere else, finding her car might give them some clues as to where.

  And from yet another novel:

  Before:

  And on the side, he moonlighted as a consultant for an electrical engineering company just to make some extra bucks.

  Jodie’s comment: “on the side”, “moonlighted” and “just to make some extra bucks” all mean basically the same thing.

  After:

  He also moonlighted as a consultant for an electrical engineering company.

  Or how about this one:

  Before:

  George just smiled and let it go. He was discreet like that. He wouldn’t try to force more information out of Perry, because he was the kind of friend who was happy to help without the need to ask too many questions to satisfy his own curiosity.

  After:

  George just smiled and let it go. He was discreet like that—the kind of friend who was happy to help without asking a lot of questions.

  Or:

  Before:

  He wore a plain red baseball cap with, a white cotton shirt, and a pair of jeans that had faded from their original color to a nondescript shade of something.

  Jodie: There are a lot of extra words after “jeans” that don’t really add much of anything, just clutter up the sentence.

  After:

  He wore a plain red baseball cap, a white cotton shirt, and faded jeans.

  And finally...

  Before:

  He could hardly believe it was real. He wanted this to be a bad dream he would wake up from. His racing heart overpowered his lungs and it didn’t seem like they were taking in any air with any measure of effi
ciency.

  After:

  This can’t be happening. It has to be a bad dream. His racing heart overpowered his lungs, which couldn’t seem to take in air.

  Now go through your whole manuscript and....

  ~ Take out empty phrases like “there was,” “there were,” and “it was.” Jump right in and say what you’re talking about. Not “There was a cat lying on the windowsill,” but “A cat was lying on the windowsill.”

  ~ Take out qualifiers like quite, sort of, kind of, somewhat, a little bit, pretty, etc. Don’t be wishy-washy – be bold! Instead of saying “The sight of the wound made her feel kind of sick,” say “The sight of the wound made her sick.”

  ~ Delete almost every instance of very. “She was beautiful” is more powerful than “She was very beautiful.”

  ~ Take out almost all synonyms for “said” or “asked” like “uttered” or “conjectured” or “queried,” etc. Just use said or asked most of the time, except for instances like shouted, yelled, screamed, or whispered, which are useful.

  ~ Delete most -ly adverbs, like, “he walked loudly across the floor” or “he said angrily,” or “she asked timidly.” Let their words and actions show how they’re feeling or talking and use a stronger verb that gives the same impression all by itself, like “he stomped across the floor,” or “he shouted,” or “she pleaded.”

  ~ Look for and fix repetitions of words or words in the same family (like respect, respected, respectfully, disrespectful; help, helping, helpful, helpless, etc.) in the same paragraph or page.

  ~ Replace bland, overused verbs like walked, ran, looked, went, saw, ate, etc. with stronger, more vivid ones.

  ~ Replace passive constructions (the knife was thrown by the man) with active ones (the man threw the knife).

  ~ Cut most of those clichés. Look for overused tired expressions and try to replace them with a fresh new way of saying the same thing.