Once-Other

by Lawrence M. Nysschens

  Some desperate perverts even hint that back then News Anchors influenced public opinion and Jury verdicts causing the courts to evolve to how our legal system works today.

  The truly depraved even suspect journalist of creating the news. Other wilder theories imagine that journalist would actually, when seeking a scoop, start a fire if nothing was happening. And fire meant anything, not just fire.

  Ridiculous. You’d agree, wouldn’t you?

  I mean—who would believe such idiocy.

  So there, to all those who think we’ve no Justice on Earth.

  We do!

  You see, we partake in Trial by Jury on Earth.

  We the People are the Jury. We watch. We vote. We take up duty in as many trials as we can, time permitting.

  Which proves Freedom of Choice is alive, as well.

  All these Rights are part of our Right to Happiness.

  That in itself is Truth and Justice for All.

  I was so thrilled to find the McPeters’ trial scheduled for broadcast on my Service Providers network: The NonBias Channel.

  I had registered to vote as part of the All Encompassing Jury. This allowed me to watch during working hours. Of the nine hundred and ninety-five thousand votes cast in the McPeters’ trial, a meager one percent was for Not Guilty.

  I was proud to have a Majority Vote.

  See and hear Democracy and Social Justice in action!

  Here on Earth, Applied Legal Philosophy using both logic and truth spearheaded the development of our All Citizens are Equal laws to cross-reference the Murder in the First Dot One Degree law.

  You see, such an evil act deprives us of our Equality and it is obvious the Guilty Party has denied citizens of Earth their Inalienable Right to a single child. A three-member family life is a perfectly equal, triangular life...you see.

  Thereafter came the Reimbursement for Lessened Equality Law, which restores equality and triangulation by assigning a Here-Born citizen, those awarded as compensation under a Writ of Property, the status of being a Property.

  The Ownership of Property and Merchandise Obedience Act then declares that due to Property being owned it, therefore, cannot be Equal.

  Hallelujah!

  Oh wait, dear me! I should stop right now. I fear all these personal opinions and other things I am entering may get me fired real soon—getting back to work.

  I should...no wait...something is nagging at me.

  A time out as I check.

  I rushed next door to Research.

  Urgh! That carpet is so sticky and gooey I fear one day I will lose a shoe because I can’t work it free. Oh dear. Well! Moving on.

  I grabbed a terminal and punched in Peter Wernt’s details. Mister Warrent McPeters’ name and picture displayed. I’d never seen him as Mister Warrent McPeters before. I checked the court proceedings record—fascinating.

  During the trial, the McPeters family elected to give Evidence without Appearance while Once-Other was tried in Absentia—both these make for cleaner and faster trials.

  It was so tragic, the McPeters son’s death.

  But here now I’ll admit to another concern, well almost, there’s something about that case that still nags at me.

  Some of the items in this current recording bother me, as well.

  What are they?

  Oops, another no-no.

  Back then to the Transcripts.

  No, wait—I will look this over!

  What bothers me most of all are the things said by Once-Other.

  Oh my dear Hallelujah.

  So much of what he said to Peter Wernt during their tour made more sense to me than any History Lesson has.

  But what was the special something said?

  Oh! Wait. Wait. Yes.

  While processing the Writ of Execution, McPeters mentioned his wife. Right? What did he say? Think. Come on Agnes. Think.

  Oh yes, it was something about how his wife kept going on about this Here-Born Right and that Here-born Right...and still does.

  Oh, my? Have to let it be for now.

  Dear me, look see, it’s time to go home.

  Toodle-oo.

  CHAPTER 67

  Of All Being Equal

  Transcript continued: This morning I am back reviewing McPeters’ re-entry. But I can’t get my attention off of the Immigration Officer, who jogs on as he does each day.

  You see—I bled on those Walk2Work gadgets worse than most.

  “You sure lost a lot of weight on one of them,” Skellumer whispers so only I can hear.

  “How do you know?” I ask.

  “Was watching you sweat all day long,” he says.

  “I don’t recall,” I reply.

  “Of course not,” he hisses.

  I grunt and get back to work. His eyes continue to bore into me.

  “You a spy?” I ask without turning.

  “Wouldn’t you love to know? Wouldn’t you all love to know?” He laughs with not an ounce of mirth.

  Just seeing a Weight Reconciliation smiley makes my knees and ankles ache. I’ve not always been as slim and trim as I am. But a few years back my entire workday was spent on a treadmill—a Walk2Work to you.

  Federal Healthcare Laws outline the requirements, qualifications, and rules of why overweight people are excluded from the workplace. In particular, those who drink huge sodas and whom Healthcare can no longer afford to treat.

  Gone then the useless drinkers, useless eaters and with thanks to Mayors for Healthfulness!

  We also hold dear to our hearts other endeavors done by Mayors for Healthfulness such as the drafting in the Hub of the Healthcare Carelessness Bill. This Bill outlines how and why overweight persons are in violation of our Right to be Equal.

  To rectify unbalanced individuals, the Rationalization of Bone Structure to Weight Section of the Bill is used.

  This Section states that to be allowed to work one must fall within the required weight ratios of bone structure to fatty tissue present in your body. Those persons who are over the weight ratio and who want to work must walk and later jog while working or be banned from the workplace.

  Such logical Laws do not exist on Here-Born!

  How do they survive over there?

  Here on Earth all Laws reference the All Citizens Are Equal Act—the backbone of our nation. The Rationalization of Bone Structure to Weight Section specifies that the correct ratio of body weight to bone weight ensure happiness and equality for All.

  This also ensures equality across all cultures, ethnic diversities, locations, languages, bone structure, body tissue and body weight.

  It is never easy, though.

  Equality by body weight provides employment and Healthcare to persons within the correct bone to weight ratios. Those who meet these ratios have employment while the useless drinkers of large sodas and the useless eaters of fattening foods lose their jobs.

  It is not possible for us to be equal and have equal success nor can we have equal Happiness unless we work to maintain our equality. Weight ratios keep us equal.

  This law rectifies this issue.

  Hallelujah.

  Some have questioned weight ratios and oh so very needlessly so. A simple search reveals the truth to any and all dissenters.

  Succinctly put, Psychiatric Surgeons conducted Exploratory Surgery Procedures (ESP) in search of the Source of Life. They discovered a deeply hidden truth; true happiness depends entirely upon the ratio of bone tissue to weight. Period.

  Unbalanced ratios cause unhappiness. Unhappiness violates our Equality. Diagrams are available from all Mobile History Lessons.

  History Lessons will always assess you and provide your correct weight to bone ratio taking into account height and width.

  After all, how important is your health history to you?

  When I was overweight, I discovered a Walk2Work was nothing more than an angled rolling floor with a crude braking system. They are uncomfortable, close to impossible to walk on and treacherous to jog on.r />
  The more overweight you are, the more braking is required.

  One spends all one’s working day on a Walk2Work treadmill. It is the only way those who violate Equalness by being overweight are permitted to work.

  We are serious about being Equal.

  CHAPTER 68

  Of Earth-Born’s Simple And Fair Tax And Economic System

  Transcript continued: I open Real Time Happiness Monitoring for LAX Arrivals just as lights in the Immigration Dome dim to almost off.

  There is no need to panic.

  This is standard and in compliance with the Preservation of Green Air and Spore Depletion Act of May 17, 1308...and happens on a regular basis every other day. This gives citizens and corporations the right to reduce energy usage and save on electricity bills.

  Paying less for electricity is a happy thing.

  We here at the Department for the Assurance of Happiness provide all census information via our activities to ensure happiness. On average, a census originates once every five to ten minutes. As we all know, our monitoring ensures your happiness.

  Every minute turned down to half power saves a full one percent off one’s annual electricity bill divided by the number of people within a square mile—which number comes courtesy of regular census numbers.

  Sing Hallelujah.

  “Hallelujah.”

  Oops.

  My Supervisor is here and is both frothing-at-the-mouth-mad and afraid. He barks as never before in his short stint here. “Repair your employee penalties. You have cost me! Do it now.”

  “Yes Sir,” I reply—guilty as charged.

  “You input personal opinions,” he growls. “Dang. Revenues lost, never to return.”

  He storms off.

  Well. Okay. He is new and being cautious. I understand. I get his angst.

  I quickly fix my work status, which repairs our section’s one as well, down here at the Department for the Assurance of Happiness. I know. I know. Most people don’t get how this works nor how critical to life on Earth it is. So. How does one do this? How does it work?

  Okay. Okay. I’ll take a little personal time-out and provide a brief outline of the simple actions one takes when doing this correctly.

  Learning is a happy thing!

  Hallelujah.

  First off, I applied for an increase in inflation. Yep. Get it. Understand it. Fill out the application. Which unfortunately has its penalties—but more on penalties in a moment. Secondly, I exercised my right to request a higher Patriotic Status, which fixed the increased inflation penalty.

  Okay. Okay! Wait. I’ll give a fuller explanation of the above now that colleagues are reading over my shoulder, Johannes Skellumer included.

  Apparent to all, I entered personal opinions into a Transcript, which includes my thoughts and observations, which is illegal and therefore penalized. I can’t help it...I’m so taxed out it hurts. Oops. Did I say that? Of course, I’m not referring to taxation but to workload.

  Right? Got it? Workload, not taxation.

  Taxation protests are illegal. Yep.

  So, getting back to my explanation.

  To correct our Section Status and return us to full compliance, I applied for an increase in inflation, which covered our Section’s losses. You see personal opinions have no value in a Transcript. So HQ deducts all personal opinion lines as non-productive which results in a loss of income for our Section.

  Yes. We are paid per inputted transcript line.

  Not so Hallelujah!

  Now the great simplicity here is our Assurance of Happiness Law. It outlines how a loss of income is fixed by increasing inflation. This Law links directly to, and works hand-in-glove with all our Laws of Equality. I know. I know. Hang in a second or so. I’m getting there!

  Just realized I’m inputting these explanations into the Transcript. I have no idea of what exactly has come over me. Nonetheless, my co-workers lean in close and read over my shoulder. Let me continue then.

  First off a little supporting info for one and all.

  Equality Laws provide sufferers of ADD-D and all others suffering from any debilitating illness with equal income, equal pay. As you already know, each section has its allotment of ADD-D suffers—ADD-D refers to all disease. These include all common Work Related Inabilities including the Compulsive Revulsion to Coordinated Work Regimens Syndrome.

  So get this first! Regular inflation supports ADD-D sufferers. Got it?

  I hope so!

  Therefore, regular inflation flows into our Section as income and from here flows to our resident ADD-Dees as their pay. So simple no? However, it doesn’t end there for me and my current predicament. Oh no!

  I now have to compensate our economy because I requested an increase in inflation through my application for a rise in inflation.

  Yep. Clear? Crystal.

  To repair the damage wrought by my current application, which causes a higher inflation than average regular inflation, I applied for a higher Patriotic Status. It was immediately granted and I have now been promoted into the ninety-seven percent tax bracket. Which balances the higher inflation I just caused by applying for an increase in inflation.

  So simple, no?

  Hallelujah.

  And I thought that is all there was to it—but no.

  My Supervisor ambles on over his bemused grin foreshadowing further enlightenment. He stands silent for a moment, hand on my shoulder. I glance at it and he pats my shoulder then takes it away.

  I look his gray suit and black shoes over and realize they are not as expensive as Mister Warrent McPeters’ are. For the first time, I check him over in detail to find he is tall for a Norwegian and a little stout on the about.

  He scrubs his fingers through dark black hair. Points to the far corner where our requisite ADD-Dees are watching TV and says, “Though they don’t work they do have the right to equal employment and thereby equal pay. Which means our economy needs extra money for them as they do not produce or do anything and their employers, in this case our section, aren’t paid for them. Okay?”

  “Got it,” I say as some earlier confusions evaporate.

  He adds. “As we all know; regular inflation is achieved by printing extra money to pay our ADD-Dees. Now since you lowered our income with personal opinions you broke the All Citizens Right to be Equal law. Right?”

  And he looks me in the eye.

  “Ah? No.” And I cross my fingers.

  “No?” he says. “Okay. Listen up. Your opinions lowered our income. So how do we pay our ADD-Dees with less income? Never mind! We can’t!”

  “Got it,” I say. “That’s not equal anymore.”

  He nods and says, “Because of what you did, the only way we can make up the money and pay our ADD-Dees is with the increased inflation you applied for as opposed to regular inflation.”

  I grin, which lets him know I am not tracking with this.

  “Now-now,” he assures me. “Stay with me here.”

  I nod and he gets that. Or so his bland smile says.

  “Increased inflation prints extra money over and above the extra money already being printed to guaranty a healthy and abundant regular inflation—sort of extra-extra money you could say.

  “This extra-extra money is passed to us same as regular inflation money would be and is paid out by us to those over there, our ADD-Dees. Good so far?”

  “Got it,” we all chorus, Skellumer included.

  “So now. Once an application to increase inflation has been approved, which typically happens in ten to fifteen seconds, every applicant such as yourself, must re-balance the National Ledgers via the Inflation Preservation and Nullification Act.”

  “Oh?” I glance around the other faces and find all their eyes glazed over.

  My Supe sighs but doesn’t give up on us.

  “Okay. Let’s back up a little. One. You opinionated on the job in a Transcript. Two. We can’t pay ADD-Dees because we receive no income for those opinions. Three. You appli
ed for an increase in inflation. Four. More money was printed—money over and above what’s already being printed to ensure a healthy, regulated inflation. Five. The extra-extra printed money is passed on to us. And six. We pay our ADD-Dees with it. But there’s still a problem...due to you as well!”

  “There is?” I ask my voice a little shaky.

  “Yes! You have increased inflation by your application to increase inflation brought about by your opining. How are we to fix that? No? Allow me.

  “Government can’t print the extra money and the extra-extra money at the same time. That’s impossible. So how? Through your application to upgrade your Patriotic Status is how. With an upgraded Patriotic Status completed and approved, comes a reward. Yes. Hard to believe you’re rewarded for upgrading your Patriotic Status.”

  “Ah. I am?”

  “Okay. Look. Here’s how. This reward automatically elevates you into a higher tax bracket. Along with that incredible elevation comes the title of Honored Tax Payer...bestowed upon you by a grateful government. How envious your neighbors will be.”

  “Without a doubt this all makes sense,” I whisper in awe of his sound body of knowledge.

  But he’s not done.

  “With your Honored Tax Payer status you get to pay more money to Government, which deposits into the Government coffers through the inflation Preservation and Nullification Act. This means you have given back to Government money printed by Government because of your application to increase inflation. I see you’re not sure—think the extra-extra money I mentioned earlier.”

  “Ah!” I say. “So with my Honor Status tax bracket I pay back the extra we couldn’t print because of extra-extra that had to be printed.”

  “Now you understand?” He waits, smiling.

  The lights turn on and I jump right in. “Yes I do. I increased inflation by applying for a rise in inflation, and so to balance it I’m awarded a higher tax bracket to compensate for the printing of the extra-extra money. And at the tail end Government gets additional revenues from me as I now pay Honor Status taxes.”

  He jumps back in.

  “Brilliantly summarized! I’m sure you are familiar with the advertising done by the Federal Note Printers, Loans and Banking Group—as I am.”