Breaking the Rules

by Cat Lavoie

  Steffi turns her head away from Matt. “The baby isn’t yours.”

  The look on Izzie’s face quickly goes from pride and contentment to confusion. All eyes are on Steffi, including Matt’s, who looks like a deer caught in the headlights. He lets go of Steffi’s hand and backs away. “I’m not the father? Who is?” he finally asks.

  It takes her a minute to stop crying and answer but, when she does, her voice is clear. “Ollie.”

  A ton of bricks. That’s what it feels like. But they’re not falling all at once. No, they’re taking their time. One by one, thumping me over the head on their way to the ground. This can’t be happening. I look over at Steffi and I can see her lips moving really fast but I can’t hear anything besides the blood rushing in my head. The room starts shaking but no one seems to notice.

  It takes me a while to realize that Izzie has a hold of my arms and is shaking me and calling my name. I wriggle out of her grasp and push her away from me. I can’t bear to look at Steffi’s face. At some point in the last few minutes, I’d let go of her hand. I stare at it and wonder if I should pick it up again.

  Ollie and my baby sister. My baby sister and Ollie. I have so many questions I wouldn’t even know where to begin if I could speak right now.

  Matt is the first person to break the silence and look at Steffi. “You lied to me. I knew something was up when you came home after the holidays. You weren’t the same. I gave you your space and waited to have my Steffi back. I tried everything to win you back. And then the next thing I know you’re dumping me.”

  Steffi shakes her head. “I didn’t know I was pregnant when I broke up with you. I just felt so bad about betraying you that I couldn’t bear having you be so sweet and nice to me. I didn’t deserve it.”

  “You know what?” Matt says, running his hands through his hair and looking at the floor. “I can’t deal with this right now. I can’t deal.” Izzie, Steffi and I watch as he heads out the door and slams it behind him.

  “Mattie, don’t go,” Steffi says, but he’s already gone and her voice is barely audible.

  “I’m sorry,” Izzie says, sitting down next to Steffi and putting her hand on her shoulder.

  “You’re sorry?” Steffi echoes, her face twisted. “You’re just sorry you won’t get to play the Who Knocked Steffi Up? game anymore.” She struggles to her feet and heads to the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. The sound of Steffi crying fills the living room a few seconds later.

  “Oliver,” Izzie says, shaking her head.

  My heart sinks at the sound of his name and my throat clenches up with a sob. I don’t let it escape. I can’t. I get up from the couch and make my way to the bathroom door.

  Of all the questions I have, there’s only one I need to know the answer to right now.

  I take a deep breath. “Steffi?” I ask through the door. “Does Ollie know?”

  She doesn’t answer right away. I hear her blow her nose and rest her head on the other side of the door. There’s only a hollow piece of painted wood separating us now. I close my eyes and wait.

  “No,” she says. “He doesn’t know.”

  I lean against the door and let myself slide to the floor, my mind racing. Now what? Maybe I should have decided what the right answer was before I asked Steffi that question.

  * * *

  .

  Chapter Fifteen

  Izzie is an expert at the art of stating the obvious. “If Ollie is the father that means they slept together,” she says, pacing back and forth in front of the bathroom door. The door is still locked and Steffi is still on the other side, crying.

  I want to say something but my brain is too tired to come up with a proper insult. Of course they slept together. I’ve been trying to get the image out of my mind for the last hour. Maybe they’ve been sleeping together for years. That would be kind of hard since Ollie is here and Steffi is in California but...

  “Christmas,” Izzie says, interrupting my train of thought. “Steffi was here and Ollie was here. The timing is perfect.”

  I just nod and make another attempt at getting Steffi out of the bathroom. Izzie and I have been taking turns. So far, I’ve tried bribing her with cookies and hot chocolate but it hasn’t worked. I think I figured out something that might do the trick, though.

  “Steffi,” I say, pressing my cheek against the door. “Please come out. I promise I’m not mad at you.”

  Silence. Izzie and I stare at the doorknob and—a few seconds later—it starts moving and the door opens just a crack.

  “I don’t want to talk about anything, okay? I just want to go to bed.” Steffi’s voice is stuffy and strained.

  I can read the disapproval all over Izzie’s face. My sister the lawyer wants to talk about it. She wants every detail exposed like Exhibits A through Z.

  “Okay,” I say, giving Izzie a sharp look.

  “We won’t ask any questions,” she adds, defeated.

  When Steffi opens the door, it’s clear from her puffy eyes and the design of the ceramic tiles imprinted on her cheek that the last hour has taken its toll. She steps out of the bathroom and I wrap her in my arms, letting her sob on my shoulder.

  “Shhhhhh,” I say, rubbing her back. It’s the only thing I can say. I repeat it over and over, mostly for her but also for me. I think that if I try to say anything else, I might end up crying too.

  I walk towards my room—Steffi still holding on to me—and guide her to the bed. I have to unlatch her hands from my waist so she can lie down.

  “Rest,” I say pulling the comforter over her.

  “I didn’t mean... I don’t know... He said that...” Steffi says, the tears streaming down her face.

  “Shhhhh,” I say again. “Get some sleep.”

  She nods and turns away from me to face the wall. I close the lights and shut the door behind me.

  When I come back into the living room, Izzie is watching some old movie on TV. I sit down next to her and try to follow the action, but my mind keeps going back to Ollie and I find myself feeling sorry for Rachel. She and Ollie had just started dating when Steffi came home for Christmas. I wonder what she’s going to do when she finds out about the baby.

  When Ollie and I were in eighth grade, I stopped talking to him for one whole day. It took all the willpower I had but I completely ignored him when we crossed each other in the hallway at school, didn’t look at him in class and didn’t walk home with him. It’s been so long now that I don’t remember why I was angry at him but I do remember feeling like I’d lost something I desperately wanted back. The feeling got so bad that I rushed over to his house after dinner and didn’t stop talking for twenty minutes, telling him everything I hadn’t told him during the day. I don’t think I stopped to take a breath. These last few weeks have been like re-living that day over and over again except I can’t run over to his house and have everything be okay again.

  “She’s going to have to call him tomorrow,” Izzie says, not taking her eyes off the screen. “He needs to know.”

  I’m comforted by the fact that there’s no hint of pleasure in her voice. I highly doubt this is how she wanted the evening to play out.

  I feel like saying something to make Izzie feel better, to tell her that this isn’t her fault. If you have to blame somebody, blame Ollie who couldn’t keep it in his pants. Blame Steffi for wearing clothes that are too tight and for being a giggly pile of hormones. But I can’t make the words come out of my mouth. None of it is true.

  I nod. “Right,” I say, my stomach churning. And what am I going to tell Ollie when it’s my turn to speak to him? “Congratulations” somehow doesn’t feel appropriate.

  The last time I woke up at four in the morning to bake cookies was when Dad was going in the hospital for a triple bypass. That was three years ago. I remember how back then, just like right now, my body was exhausted but my mind wouldn’t stop racing and the only thing that could distract me was baking, even if half the world was still asleep.

&nb
sp; I try to be quiet as I gather up the ingredients on the counter. By the time my sisters wake up, I’ve made two dozen chocolate chip cookies and two dozen oatmeal-raisin cookies. I also have a stomach full of raw cookie dough and caffeine.

  I pour myself a fourth cup of coffee and sit next to Steffi, trying to smile. “How are you feeling?”

  “You’re going to make me call him, aren’t you?” she asks, not looking at me.

  I’m taken aback by her question. “We’re not going to make you do...”

  “Give me your phone.” Her voice is cold and distant and doesn’t belong to the Steffi I know.

  I grab my phone and shuffle through my list of contacts until I find Ollie’s name. It’s early afternoon in London and, with any luck, Ollie will be out for lunch and he’ll be able to answer his phone. Preferably away from Rachel and any sharp objects. The thought that he might let the call go to voicemail makes me queasy. Been there. Done that. Have the hangover to prove it.

  I hand the phone over to Steffi and give Izzie the hush sign when she walks into the kitchen. Without a sound, she pours herself some coffee and sits down next to us.

  Steffi closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. “Hi, Ollie? It’s Steffi. I’m good. How are you? How’s London?”

  From the way her face is scrunched up, I can tell that Steffi is having a hard time with the small talk. It’s torture for me too. Even though I have no idea what I’m going to say to him, I can’t wait to talk to Ollie. Maybe it will all make sense once we talk about it.

  “Listen, I wanted to talk to you about something.”

  I look over at Izzie and her eyes are locked on Steffi and we wait for her to continue.

  “The baby. Yeah. Yeah. It’s yours. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, it’s just... No, you don’t have to do that. Please don’t come home just because of me.”

  I hold my breath. Steffi is surprisingly calm and collected. I, on the other hand, am a wreck. My hands are shaking and my heart is beating through my chest and I just want to grab the phone out of Steffi’s hands.

  “Okay. Yeah, I will. I know. I’m going to hand you over to Roxy now.”

  Finally. I reach out for the phone but Steffi lowers her eyes and turns her head away from me. “Oh, I see. I will. Bye.”

  She puts down the phone and can barely look at me. “He was in a hurry and can’t talk to you right now.”

  I feel my cheeks burn bright red as a knife is being plunged into my chest over and over again. “In a hurry,” I repeat as Izzie and Steffi stare at me. “In a hurry. Right.”

  I stand up and head to the living room, my sisters following close behind.

  “Where are you going?” Steffi asks.

  “Nowhere,” I say. I grab my purse and head out the door.

  I don’t know where I’m going until I’m a few steps away from the subway. There aren’t many places where I can go right now. There aren’t many people I want to see.

  Fifteen minutes later, I’m knocking on Ethan’s door. Knocking and knocking and knocking, praying for him to be home. A normal person would have called first, but I left my phone on the kitchen table. Thinking about the phone reminds me of Ollie and I bang on the door even harder.

  I sigh with relief when Ethan opens the door. “Darling! What the hell are you doing here?”

  Not the kind of reaction I was hoping for, but I’ll take it. I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him, kicking the door closed behind us.

  “Roxy, what’s going on? Aren’t you supposed to be at work?” he asks, loosening my grip.

  “Forget work,” I say, struggling with his tie and unbuttoning his shirt. “I want you.” I look into his eyes and attempt a seductive pout. “Now.”

  “Roxy, you’re a mess. What’s the matter?” He buttons up his shirt and dusts flour off the front. “Have you been baking?”

  I shake my head and pull at my sweatshirt. Why didn’t I see that it was covered in flour?

  I can’t tell Ethan about Ollie and Steffi. I just want to forget. “Nothing’s the matter,” I say. I take a step towards him and grab his belt, smiling. “Can’t we just take the morning off and have fun? Greta is always accusing me of being late. Let her be right for once.” I smash my mouth against his and pull him closer, inhaling his aftershave.

  But before I can lead him to the bedroom, he pulls away from me. “Roxy, we need to go to work. If you want to go out tonight, I can make a reservation at...”

  I smile and touch Ethan’s cheek. I can’t really speak right now, so I just hug him and rest my head on his chest. He plants a kiss on top of my head and hugs me tighter. Tears start to sting my eyes and before I know it, Ethan pulls away again and looks at his shirt, frowning.

  “Great, I have to go change now. I just wish you’d tell me what’s wrong. Does it have anything to do with the wedding?”

  I shake my head and I’m thankful that my throat feels so tight that no words can escape. Ethan doesn’t want to know what’s wrong with me. Even I don’t want to know what’s wrong with me.

  “Go home and change,” he tells me, taking my hand and leading me to the door. “I’ll call you at work later.”

  Steffi is sleeping on the couch when I get back home and I’m able to take a shower and grab my phone without waking her up. I stare at her for a while before leaving, her huge belly moving up and down with every breath. Slow and steady.

  “You’re late,” Greta says when I sneak into the office. “I tried calling you a million times. Where were you?”

  “I’m sorry. I had an errand to run and I forgot my phone.”

  Greta shakes her head. After working with her for so many years, I know that the thought of leaving home without her phone is one of her biggest nightmares. And being her assistant means I need to have mine on me at all times. I can see that I’ve failed her but I don’t really care. “Any emergencies?” I ask, and my tone is a little more flippant than I intended it to be. Greta doesn’t seem to notice.

  “In fact, yes,” she says, playing with the gold heart-shaped pendant hanging from her neck. “I need your computer password.”

  “Did you erase something important again?” I don’t know what it is about the delete key but Greta loves it. She once erased a 200-page document that I’d just finished proofreading. So now we always make sure that I have a copy of everything on my computer. Just so I won’t need to stay at the office until three in the morning to do it all over again. “What do you need? I’ll get it for you.”

  “No. Melody needs you in the conference room right now. You need to go over tomorrow’s presentation.”

  It takes me a few seconds to remember that tomorrow is the day when Lucas Williams and his investors grace us with their presence and Melody gets to wear an extra short skirt and tell them all about the grand opening we planned. It’s sure to be as much fun as an emergency root canal.

  “They could still pull out of this, you know,” Greta says. “Melody has been working so hard on this project. She’d be crushed if it fell through.”

  Even though I like the sound of “Melody” and “crush” in the same sentence, I don’t want her to fail. This project is important to the firm and I need to do whatever I can to help.

  “Why don’t you take the rest of the day off after the meeting?” Greta says as I get ready to head to the conference room.

  I look up at her and give her a minute to change her mind and remember that dry cleaning needs to be picked up or appointments need to be scheduled.

  “Okay,” I say, dragging out the word and expecting her to jump in.

  “Great.”

  “Great. All right then. I’m off to the meeting.”

  “Roxy?” she says after I’ve taken a few steps towards the conference room.

  Here it comes. I wonder what errand I’ll need to run now. I close my eyes and turn around.

  “Yes?”

  “Your password?”

  I breathe a sigh of relief and smile. “Chocolate. My password i
s chocolate. In lowercase.”

  The only thing I can concentrate on during Melody’s long and winded speech is the rumbling of my stomach and the rumbling in my brain. My mind keeps going back to what happened this morning, but I push it down every time it comes to the surface. I can’t let Ollie get to me. I’m sure there’s a logical explanation for everything. Maybe he was in a hurry.

  “Isn’t that right, Roxy?” Melody asks, and I realize that everyone in the room is staring at me. Damn it.

  “Absolutely,” I answer, smiling. I just hope Melody was still talking about the power of positive thinking or some other motivational crap she probably stole from a fortune cookie.

  “Great,” she says. “Let’s take a break and meet back here in fifteen minutes. Roxy, you can leave now. We don’t need you for the rest of the meeting.”

  I don’t know whether to be happy or insulted, but I grab my bag and head out the door, stopping by Tali’s desk on my way.

  “Everything all right?” Tali asks, putting down the phone and pushing the candy dish towards me. “You look weird.”

  I pick out a red one and examine it before popping it in my mouth. “Yeah. I’m fine. I have to go home now. There’s this thing...”

  The phone rings before I can say anything else and I try to wipe the relief off my face. I don’t want to tell her about Steffi and Ollie. Everyone will find out soon enough.

  “Call me later?” she asks before picking up.

  I nod and don’t look back as I try not to run to the elevator. I can feel Tali’s eyes boring a hole through the back of my head. She’ll probably be on the phone with Adam and Emma in less than a minute and they’ll talk about how weird I’ve been acting lately. Tali will probably spill the beans about my pseudo-promotion. Emma will say I’m an emotional disaster and Adam will agree with everything and say he saw it coming from a mile away.

  I leave the Kilborn building and walk out into the busy street. I should go home. I’m sure there’s laundry to be done and I want to try a new curry recipe. But home isn’t where I want to be right now.