Mountain Angel (Northstar Angels, Book One)

by Suzie O'Connell

  Why had he let JP buy him that last beer? And why had he agreed to let Amber come over? He could have been pulling out of town by now, but he couldn’t take the chance of one of these Wyatt Earp cops getting a bug up his ass and pulling him over on a whim. So, he’d let Amber’s creativity distract him for a couple of hours, sleep off the alcohol and start out before sunrise.

  You’ll be mine, soon, Aeli, he thought as he flopped back on his bed to wait for Amber.

  Two and a half hours later, he wasn’t thinking about Aeli at all. He wasn’t thinking at all. Amber did that to him. Later, when only the smell of her remained to remind him of her, he’d wonder at that. Nothing since he’d met Aelissm Davis could make him forget her so completely.

  Chapter Ten

  THE MOMENT PAT had been dreading arrived. The credits of the show scrolled up the screen of June’s television and Aeli detached herself from his side to put the video back in its case. The comfort of having snuggled with her on the couch—there was no point in trying to convince himself they hadn’t been snuggling—for the better part of two hours distracted him pleasantly for a moment and he was too amused to question the strengthening bond between them.

  A bond that meant he now owed her an explanation about Sara.

  Why was it so hard for him to find the courage to tell her about that time in hell? Was he afraid of his own memories or worried that voicing them would bring Sara shrieking back into his life? Or was he simply embarrassed that he’d fallen into Sara’s trap? Whatever the reason, he was a coward for not telling Aelissm. She’d been brave enough to bare all about Bryce and Adam and she seemed to be the better for it. So why couldn’t he own up to the fact that he’d made a horrible mistake and get on with his life?

  “You’re at the Ramshorn tomorrow, right?” Aelissm was asking June.

  “Yep. All day.”

  “Mmm. I guess Pat and I are on our own, then.”

  “I’m sure you’ll find something to do,” June said as she stood to walk them to the back door.

  Luke said a quick goodnight before sprinting up the stairs to bed and Pat shook his head. Oh, to be so young and full of life and energy. To be able to look at life for its promise and not its nightmares. To have hope.

  “If we see you, we see you. If not, well, there’s always another day. It’s not like we don’t know where you live,” Aelissm said. She planted her hands on Pat’s back and pushed him out the door. “Time to go home, Mr. O’Neil.”

  June’s laughter followed them as they started the trek back to Aeli’s cabin. Pat recalled his first journey over that stretch of land. It had been daylight then, but no less treacherous because there had been snow on the ground. Now, tender shoots of alpine grass and ankle-high mountain huckleberries blanketed the steep terrain, vividly green in the unnatural beam of his flashlight.

  “So, first thing’s first,” Aelissm said, eerily illuminated in the dark night. “That scar under your collar bone.”

  Panic clawed at him. They hadn’t even reached the welcoming warmth and light of her cabin yet, and in the dark there were too many shadows for his memories to attack from. He took a deep, calming breath and noted that it did nothing to slow his racing pulse. When he glanced skyward, the flood of stars soothed him far better, inviting him to let go. There were so many of them, winking and pulsating with a cool, brilliant light. Maybe it was better this way. When Aelissm took his hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze, he knew it was.

  “Sara stabbed me when I told her I was done with her,” Pat said slowly. “With a paring knife from my own kitchen.”

  If he had thought saying that one thing aloud would help the rest flow out of him, he was sorely disappointed. There was no easing of the tension, no relief at all. If anything, saying it only made beginning more difficult. The old pain flared, hot, then frigid and he shivered. Aelissm must have felt it, because she gripped his hand more tightly. He used the contact with her to focus his thoughts.

  “I don’t think Sara’d ever been left before. She liked to be the heartbreaker. But I’d finally wizened up and realized what she was and I got out before it was too late.”

  “What do you mean, ‘too late’?”

  They’d finally reached her cabin, but instead of going inside, Aelissm sat down on her back porch and clicked her spot light off. Pat followed her example and plunged them into star-bathed darkness. For a moment, he simply took in the sights, scents and sounds of the embracing mountain night. A cool breeze sighed encouragement, bringing with it a waft of pure, pine-scented air. The promise of home was everywhere around him, offering him security and freedom from his bitter past. Someday, if he stayed here, he really would be free, the wind told him. Open up and let go.

  “If I had stayed with her much longer,” he began again, “she would have destroyed me. As it is, I’m not sure I’ll ever fully recover from her. I don’t know if I ever loved her, so it’s not like I’ll never stop. I thank God there’s nothing more left to tie me to her than nightmares.”

  Aelissm curled around him and the simple offer of support brought fiery tears of shame to his eyes. After so stupidly wasting so much time on a heartless, beautiful snake, he didn’t deserve Aelissm. But he selfishly indulged himself with her warmth and friendship, ignoring the surge of self-loathing. Part of him argued that after all he’d been through, it was time he had something good and Aelissm Davis was better than good. She was an honest-to-god guardian angel. He could pour his heart out to her and she would listen without judging, offering words and gestures of comfort that were heartfelt, honest, and selfless.

  “That last weekend was the worst. I suppose after all the verbal and physical torture she put me through, I should have guessed how she would react.”

  “She was abusive?” Aelissm asked, surprise shadowing her voice.

  Surprise, he noted. Not disbelief.

  “I thought there must be something about her to make someone like you call her a bitch. You don’t strike me as the kind of man who freely passes out insults.”

  “I’m not,” Pat agreed. “But she deserves the term. I suppose part of me is embarrassed that I let her push me around like that.”

  “Literally or figuratively?”

  “Both.”

  Aelissm sat up. “Let me guess. She’s pint-sized, too. Five-foot-two and eighty pounds naked.”

  Somehow, Pat found the breath to chuckle. “Five-one and eighty-five pounds. How’d you guess?”

  “Little woman syndrome,” Aelissm explained. “Similar to little man syndrome. They have an arrogance problem and are always degrading others because, secretly, they know they’re pathetic.”

  To hear her describe Sara so succinctly in that sarcastic, analytical tone made Pat chuckle a little harder. At last, some of the bitterness and tension began to slip away. Aeli was the best medicine for him right now. No one else could have made him laugh when Sara was on his mind.

  “That sounds about right. So, anyhow, my relationship started off well. It was like a dream. And don’t start in on my about being blinded by lust. I’ve already dragged myself through that argument more times than you can imagine. Yes, I was blinded by lust. I’m not proud of it, but there it is. The perfect wrapping hid the broken ornament inside. But ignorance is bliss, as they say. It didn’t stay perfect for long, but I still can’t pinpoint when it started. Seems like those playful little slaps got stronger, meaner. What few friends I had stopped coming out with us. A few tried to tell me she was trouble, but I wouldn’t listen.”

  “Did you and she ever talk about getting married?”

  “We were engaged. I proposed a year after we started dating, and I was stunned when she said yes. We talked about kids in the early days, and I couldn’t believe my luck. Then she stopped talking about all of it, never wanted to set a date for the wedding, and I started to get the feeling that she realized I’d never live up to her expectations.”

  “I can’t imagine any expectations you couldn’t meet, Pat. Except maybe being
a billionaire, but if that’s all she wants, she really is a bimbo. Beautiful but brainless.”

  “She graduated with honors from Stanford.”

  “Book smarts doesn’t equate to common sense. If you couldn’t meet her expectations, she made the wrong ones.”

  It was unsettling, to have someone like Aelissm tell him that there was nothing he couldn’t do. Apparently, he’d already met and exceeded all her expectations, if she’d had any to begin with. Aeli tended to take people for who they were, not what she wanted them to be. That she found him to her liking went a long way toward rebuilding his confidence.

  “What made you finally leave?”

  “I was on a case, talking with a witness at my favorite greasy-spoon diner on a Friday night. She was a sweet woman, about my age, almost as beautiful as you. One of Sara’s acquaintances was apparently meeting someone there––which strikes me as odd, because most of her friends wouldn’t be caught dead in a place as blue-collar as that. Anyhow, the friend saw me with the woman and called Sara. She waited outside for me for an hour, stewing, before she came in.”

  Pat swallowed hard. So much for getting easier. The memory was all he could see in the darkness, every detail portrayed like a drive-in movie in perfect, painful clarity. The harsh glow of the diner’s fluorescent lights heightened the scowl of jealous hatred snapping in Sara’s gold-brown eyes. He could still see the nervous, darting gaze of the witness and was reminded of a caged animal looking to escape. Three years removed, the gunshot clacks of Sara’s stiletto heels on the checkered linoleum still made him flinch. Several diners had turned to watch the goings-on and even now, Pat’s neck and cheeks flushed and nausea boiled in his stomach.

  He described the scene for Aelissm, told her how Sara had confronted both him and the witness, looking down her nose the entire time.

  “Who the hell is she?”

  “A friend of a friend.”

  “You’re cheating on me?”

  “Can we take this outside please? Michelle, we’ll have to finish this another time.”

  “Over my dead body. I’d better not catch you near my man again, you little tramp.”

  “The poor witness was so horrified that she ran out of the diner. I was lucky she was willing to talk with me again a few weeks later, when I came back to work. Sara humored me and we took our fight outside. To make a long story short, she accused me of cheating on her. I got the impression that she’d been having her friends follow me when I wasn’t with her, trying to catch me at something I wasn’t supposed to be doing. That I couldn’t tell her who the woman was because of the case only made matters worse, as I’m sure you can imagine.”

  “What a psycho,” Aeli muttered.

  “I guess that’s one way of putting it. That night, outside the diner, Sara was incapable of listening to what I was saying. I shouldn’t have been surprised. Now that I look back, it seems like she wanted to believe I was cheating on her. It’s not like she ever really took me for who I am, so why would she believe that I’d never cheat on anyone? It was a game she and her friends played and I just didn’t understand the rules. I don’t think she’s capable of normal human emotions and accusing me of being unfaithful was just another square on the board, something that moved her ahead.”

  “I’ve never heard of anything so cold.”

  His emotions were so close to the surface, a raging torrent of disgust, trepidation, and worthlessness that eroded his fragile self-confidence. His throat closed around the startling fact that one human could so utterly degrade someone they were supposed to love. Aelissm tightened her arms around him and he felt so brittle that he thought he might shatter in her embrace.

  “I guess the way she’d treated my witness got through to me, because I yelled right back at her. I mostly held my temper in check, but I did call her a lying whore. She was shocked.”

  “Did she ever cheat on you?”

  “Twice that I know of. The second affair ended right before I left, but I’m not sure it played much of a part in my decision. It was the look on that witness’s face, I think, that made me see what my friends hadn’t been able to. She was scared of Sara. She was a victim of assault and she still found room to pity me. The man who attacked her was a stranger. I set myself up to get hurt and to see that accusation in her eyes…. It was an uncomfortable thing for me to face.”

  “I can imagine it was. Does it bother you that Sara was unfaithful?”

  “Then? A little. Probably not as much it should have. Now I see that it probably bothered me more than it should have. It was never a sense of possession that I felt. Sara never belonged to me; I always knew that, even from our first date. What really bothered me—and still does—is that she thought so little of me. But she was pretty good at making me feel worthless. Especially in bed. It got to the point that I couldn’t perform at all. So, in case you’re wondering, I’ve been celibate since I left her.”

  Aelissm said nothing, only rested her head on his shoulder. He kissed the top of her head, pausing to inhale the gentle fragrance of her shampoo and the smell of this wild land that clung to her. It was only honest to say that he’d never once had a moment like this with Sara. If he’d ever had something similar with anyone before her, he could no longer recall. There was nothing before her. And nothing since.

  Until he’d walked into the Bedspread Inn and seen Aelissm indulgently flirting with two old ranchers. The memory made him smile and, resting his cheek on the top of Aeli’s head, he closed his eyes, allowing the touch of her body against his to protect him.

  “That night at the diner was the beginning of the end for me. By Sunday afternoon, I was free of her. A little worse for wear, but free.”

  “A little worse for wear? Pat, she stabbed you!”

  He absently reached for the scar, forced his hand away. “On her third attempt, yes, she did. I’ve got a few other marks from that weekend, but that’s the worst. Some days, I know I was within my right to defend myself, but I was afraid to hurt her.”

  “Even though she hurt you. How bad was it, Pat?”

  “Getting stabbed hurts like hell. The worst she had was a few bruises, mostly on her arms from me trying to hold her off, and a bruise and cut on her cheek. I hit her when she stabbed me. And even though I know I had every right to do it, I still hate myself for it. I hate that she made me do it because I’m not like that, Aelissm. I’m not.”

  “I know, honey.” She put her hand on his chest, over his racing heart.

  “I hate what she made me.” He took another deep breath, trying to rein in his wild thoughts. “Bill made me take three weeks off to heal, after I got out of the hospital. He wanted me to take four, but work was what kept me sane. Maybe ‘sane’ isn’t the best word, but I couldn’t stay in my house staring at the walls any longer. During those three weeks, I threw out nearly everything I owned. I got rid of all the furniture, even my bed. Especially that. There’s not much in my house now, only the old couch Bill let me borrow from his basement, some new mattresses, a TV stand, a little table by the door and the kitchen table and chairs. I have a dresser, too, and all the pictures of my family and a few books. That’s it. I could fit everything I own in the back of my truck. I had to remove everything that reminded me of her. I almost moved out, but Bill convinced me not to. Staying there is the only thing I’ve really done to make a stand against her since that weekend. God, we made a mess. Most of my dishes were broken and I spent most of my time off repairing the holes in the walls. Why did I let her turn me into that? I look back and I don’t recognize myself as I was that weekend.”

  He paused for a moment. “Grandpa Antony would be ashamed of me, if he knew what had really happened. He was a cop and he’s the one who inspired me to become a detective. I’m glad he doesn’t what I became that weekend.”

  “You haven’t really talked about your family,” Aeli murmured. “Were you close to them?”

  “I was, before I met Sara. I think you’d like them. My dad is a music teacher, li
ke his father was, and my mother is a homemaker. My little sister, Shannon, will graduate from high school next summer. Most of that last year I was with Sara, I didn’t talk to my family. I really let them down. In the hospital that day, my mother told me how badly I’d hurt her. She won’t say it, but I think she’s still terrified that she could have lost her son without the chance to make things right between us again.” His throat constricted and he had to stop for a moment. “There’s still a lot of bitterness there. More on my end than theirs, I think. They’ve forgiven me for what happened, but I haven’t really forgiven myself.”

  Silence fell between them and Pat didn’t know what else to say. There didn’t seem to be any more explanations to help him re-brick the walls that had crumbled as he’d laid his tragic story out for her. He’d never cried about it, had never seen the point, but now he did. The only emotions he’d felt then and since were fear and hatred. Now he felt sorrow for what he’d let Sara do to him. No, Aeli would argue, not what he’d let her do, what she’d done. The tears spilled down his face like liquid fire.

  And through it all, Aelissm was there, her arms wrapped around him, supporting him with her understanding silence. Gradually, he cried his frustration out and exhausted himself, but it was a good weariness. He’d be too tired now to think. This wasn’t the end of his torment, but right now he was too drained to ponder what tomorrow would bring. Slowly, familiar numbness crept over him.

  After what seemed like hours, Aelissm took his hand and stood. “Come inside, sweetheart,” she beckoned softly.

  Lacking the ambition to do anything but obey, he let her help him to his feet. When they went inside, she stepped away from him only long enough to stoke the fire. She left the door open and warm firelight illuminated the kitchen, chasing the shadows from his heart. When Aelissm turned to face him, he saw the worry and compassion plainly on her soft, beautiful face.