by Todd, Ian
“Aye, who else wid Ah be talking aboot?” he’d replied defensively, wanting tae fuck aff and stuff his heid doon the lavvy pan.
It hid been a total disaster.
“Ach, furget it,” he’d mumbled before walking aff and leaving them tae it.
Efter that, he’d always been nice tae her, bit hid kept himsel at a distance. Wan night in Jonah’s she’d confronted him, withoot her wee red-heided pal beside her, and demanded tae know why he’d been obviously body-swerving her, which he’d denied before gaun oan tae gie her a body-swerve.
Silent hid been a bit mair successful than him in the wummin stakes. He’d managed tae go oot wae a few ae the lassies fur a week or maybe even two, bit it never lasted long.
“Ah jist cannae staun aw that quietness...him no saying a word and aw that, so Ah cannae,” he’d heard Helen Birnie come oot wae tae the other lassies in Jonah’s wan night.
“Aye, bit did Ah no hear him wishing ye a happy birthday, Helen?” Aggie McCoy hid asked her.
“Oh aye, noo that ye mention it. Ah shudder tae think whit wid be in store fur me come Christmas and The New year…Ah probably widnae get a word in edge-wise,” she’d quipped, as they aw cracked up laughing.
They’d hid a party fur Silent wan Friday, jist efter he’d been liberated fae approved school and everywan wis celebrating fur different reasons. Johnboy hid goat the job at Sampson’s doon in the High Street, Tony hid knocked fuck oot ae The Stalker two week earlier, Snappy hid jist started gaun oot wae Francis Smith, the first ae The Mankys tae get intae a serious relationship wae any ae the Springburn lassies in the company and Joe hid goat the charges drapped against him fur pouring acid oan the procurator fiscals new car, plus he’d turned up at The Jonah wae Kate Simpson. When they’d arrived, the place hid been in an uproar. Silent hidnae met the Springburn lassies before then and hid been wandering aboot wae that tongue ae his hinging oot, being hugged and kissed by aw the drunken talent roond aboot him. Hauf the lassies hid been staunin up oan tap ae the tables in the lounge, singing at the tap ae their voices, ignoring Alex The Manager, who’d been shouting at them tae get aff ae his good furniture. Elvis Presley hid been gieing it big laldy oan the juke-box and everywan in the lounge hid been singing that they couldnae go oan thegither wae these suspicious minds. It hid been when everywan wis howling aboot being caught in a trap that Joe and Kate hid come walking through the door. Johnboy and Tony hid been staunin at the far end ae the bar, pints in their hauns, enjoying the atmosphere, when Tony hid gied him a nudge. Aggie McCoy and Frances Smith hid jumped doon aff ae a table and proceeded tae drag Kate up tae join the rest ae the squealing cats’ choir. The word hid obviously goat oot that Joe hid a new girlfriend.
“Ur ye aff yer bloody heid or whit?” Tony hid shouted at Joe, as he sauntered up tae join them, a big cheesy grin plastered across his coupon.
“Whit?”
“Ye know whit. She’s as deadly as sin that wan, so she is. She’ll bring nothing bit trouble tae oor door.”
“Aye, Ah know, bit ye know whit they say aboot things that ur bad fur ye?”
“Well, don’t come running tae us when they mad psycho brothers ae hers rip yer hee-haws aff and stuff them doon yer throat, ya eejit, ye.”
“Don’t ye worry, Tony, that isnae gonnae happen tae me, so it isnae,” Joe hid shouted back, as aw the lassies started oan Badfinger’s ‘Come and Get It,’ erms stretched up tae the ceiling, gieing the boys a good swatch ae arse flesh.
The shit didnae take long tae arrive. Toby Simpson hid confronted Joe doon in the Coocaddens oan the Monday. Toby and Frisky Frank McKenna hid walked oot ae a pub and gone fur Joe, who’d never known whit hid hit him. Toby hid put wan right oan tae that chin ae his. When Joe hid looked up fae the pavement where he’d landed oan his arse, the charming Toby hid snarled that he’d better stay away fae his wee sister.
“Ah don’t want her near wasters like you,” he’d snarled, before stomping aff.
By the time Joe hid goat tae his feet, the pair ae liberty-takers hid disappeared. Johnboy hid jist started his new job in Samson’s, oan the Monday as well. His da hid telt him that the place hid been selling aw sorts ae furniture oan the same corner fur aboot seventy years.
“Well, Ah don’t intend tae be there any mair than Ah need tae be,” he’d telt him, gieing him fair warning that this wis gonnae be a temporary number.
“Right, ye’ll spend maist ae the time across in the warehoose oan Bell Street. Mr Magee will keep ye straight. Yer job is tae process the orders fae the shoap flair when they phone across and ye’ll hiv tae get the furniture doon the goods lift tae the bottom door fur the Samson’s vans tae deliver tae the customers’ hooses. Hiv ye goat that?” Mr Samson, the manager, hid said tae him oan his first day.
“Aye, Ah think so.”
“So, whit ur ye waiting fur then?” he’d demanded, the cheeky basturt.
The warehoose wis big and dark and wis filled tae the gunnels wae bedroom and kitchen furniture...aw four flairs ae it. Mr Magee, who wis as auld as the warehouse itsel and a crabbit auld basturt tae boot, hid taken him oan the grand tour ae the place, telling him that it hid been an auld tea warehouse, back in the day. Stored oan the ground flair wis aw the kitchen stuff like tables, chairs and dining room suites. Oan the first and second wis aw the bedroom this and that, like the new fashionable Schreiber bedroom wall units that everywan and their dugs wanted, bit couldnae afford at a hunner quid a stab. Single and double wardrobes ae aw shapes and sizes, bedside cabinets and dressing tables wae matching stools covered baith flairs. Oan the third, it wis aw the bed frames and mattresses. Johnboy remembered thinking that first day that he must’ve died and gone tae heaven. He’d practically pished himsel wae excitement. Even better…auld Mr Magee spent maist ae his time across at the main store, leaving him oan his lonesome. How this business hid managed tae stay afloat fur mair than seven days, never mind seventy years, hid been a complete mystery tae Johnboy. He couldnae wait tae get up the road tae Springburn tae start taking orders.
It hid only taken him a week tae start the ball rolling. Peter the Runner hid goat him customers straight away. He’d goat them aw tae troop doon tae the bedroom and kitchen departments, tae pick oot whit they wanted. Schreiber wall units and G-Plan dining tables wur the tap sellers. Everything that wis sold made Johnboy fifty percent ae the ticket price, less fifteen percent tae Peter, who paid Billy MacRae and Terry Marshall, two ae the Henderson’s milk delivery van men, oot ae his cut, tae dae the furniture deliveries. They’d come and pick up the furniture in the efternoon. Wance Crabbit Magee hid disappeared across the road, Johnboy wid pop his heid oot ae the goods entrance tae signal tae the two milk men, who’d usually be parked up across the street in Bell Street, waiting. Nothing much wis ever said as the furniture wis carted oot the door and oan tae the back ae the floats, where it sat in amongst the stacks ae clinking empty milk bottles in their crates. Fuck knows whit people must’ve thought when they clocked the milk floats, heiding up the High Street, loaded up wae furniture that wis wrapped up in polythene and corrugated cardboard. Johnboy couldnae remember how much stuff he’d sold o’er a space ae a month, bit it must’ve been a lot. Big lorries fae doon south wid also turn up at Samson’s wae mair furniture and wid fill up the flairs across in the store tae bursting point. Sometimes wan ae the drivers wid gie him a backhaunder tae leave some stuff oan their wagon, which hid been fine wae him.
Silent hid, at last, finally managed tae get a job in the toon centre by that time as well. It hid taken him a wee while, bit somewan hid eventually decided tae take him and Simon oan. Wan night in Jonah’s, when it hid been quiet, Snappy hid tried tae take him through the process ae getting a job. It hid been hilarious watching the pair ae them. Silent wis useless due tae his shyness and everywan could see him squirming as Snappy did his wee bit ae coaching. He widnae answer any ae the questions and Snappy couldnae contain his frustration. Wan ae the lassies hid been aboot tae put some money in the juke box, bit wis persuaded by
Snappy no tae, as he wanted Silent tae concentrate withoot the sound ae Black Sabbath belting oot ‘Paranoid’.
“Why dae ye want the job?” Snappy hid asked him.
“Er…”
“Naw, Silent. Ye want the job because ye’ve left school and ye want tae help yer wee maw and da oot at hame.”
“Bit, Ah’m an orphan.”
“Naw, ye’re no an orphan, bit ye will be if ye don’t bloody dae as ye’re telt!”
“Don’t listen tae a word he tells ye, Silent,” Tony hid warned him, adding tae Snappy’s annoyance.
“Look, ye hiv tae be a wee bit fly. Tell them whit they want tae hear. Furget aw this crap aboot whether it’s true or no. Nowan gies a monkey’s...certainly no the bampots that ur gonnae employ somewan like you. Aw they want is their pound ae flesh oot ae that manky arse ye’re sitting oan and then they’ll deliberately furget tae blush when they pay ye pennies at the end ae the week efter getting their bucket ae sweat oot ae ye.”
“Hurry up, Snappy, and stoap treating him as if he’s some kind ae fucking eejit,” Johnboy remembered shouting in exasperation.
“Whit experience dae ye hiv?”
“Er...”
Silence.
“Furget aw that ‘er’ crap. Whit’s that supposed tae mean, eh? Tell them that ye’ve jist left school, bit ye used tae dae odd jobs here and there as a messenger boy wae the Co-op, Curley’s or The City Bakeries oan a Saturday morning.”
“It’s awright fur you, Snappy. Ye know how tae talk a heap ae shite, so ye dae. He disnae,” Johnboy hid said, butting in.
“Ah’m only trying tae help. If he disnae want that, then fair enough,” Snappy hid retorted, making oot how hurt he wis at no being appreciated fur trying tae help somewan oot.
“Wid ye bloody-well hurry up, Snappy? It’s no only Silent that’s efter a job,” Simon hid growled.
“Right, sometimes ye don’t hiv any choice, bit if ye kin, try and go fur the auld crinklies tae interview ye, especially wans aboot yer maw’s age. They love intimidating and mothering wee hairy-arsed fifteen and sixteen year aulds. Ah read somewhere that it’s something tae dae wae power and horses and aw that kind ae shite.”
“Horses?” Helen Birnie hid hooted, looking at the other lassies in wonder.
“Aye, horses. Noo, shut the fuck up. Kin ye no see Ah’m busy. Right, Silent, as Ah wis jist saying before Ah wis so rudely interrupted. Ye’re sitting there wae Mrs Big Droopy Paps, who hisnae hid her Nat King since nineteen canteen, eyeing up that wee weedy body ae yours, like some drooling Praying Snake. She asks ye why ye want the job. Whit happens next?”
“Ah say that Ah’ve, er, jist left school and, er, er, Ah used tae help oot in the Co-op, and er, and Ah, er, widnae mind a wee job here, so Ah wid,” Silent managed tae stutter.
“Naw, ye don’t. Look at me. Ye look intae they big, sex-hungry, greedy eyes ae hers, efter clamping yer baws between yer thighs under the table where she cannae clock whit ye’re up tae, tae get the auld tears misting up they eyes ae yers, and then ye say ‘Ah used tae walk by this shoap oan ma way tae school every day and Ah used tae look in the windae, wishing Ah could work in here. In fact, Ah used tae see ye wandering aboot the shoap flair through the glass windae as well, so Ah did.’ And make sure ye say it wae a kind ae wee, sweet, lost voice,” Snappy hid advised, failing tae keep a straight face as he looked across at Silent.
Silence.
“Look, Ah know Ah’m laughing, bit don’t let that put ye aff. Ah’ve never missed oot oan an interview fur a job in ma life, so Ah hivnae.”
“So, how many successful interviews hiv ye hid then?” Aggie hid piped up.
“Er, two.”
“Two?”
“Aye, and they couldnae wait tae employ me, so they couldnae. Two aulder dames, who obviously wanted tae mother me before Ah’d even lifted a finger.”
“Snappy, that’s the biggest heap ae crap Ah’ve ever heard in ma life, so it is. There’s nae way he’s gonnae say that. She’ll probably take her haun aff the side ae his face before he gets his arse flung oot oan tae the street fur being an eejit and a wee pervo tae boot,” Aggie hid retorted, as aw the lassies laughed. “Ur ye trying tae tell us some wummin gied ye a job efter ye came oot wae that kind ae shite?”
“Ah bloody-well swear oan ma sister’s new dug’s life, in front ae God. Christ’s sake. Nae wonder Silent ended up in an approved school wae a pathetic attitude like that,” Snappy hid retorted dismissively, turning his back oan the lassies.
“Silent, don’t listen tae they bampots, especially him. C’mone o’er here and we’ll keep ye straight. We aw work in shoaps, so we dae. We’ll tell ye how tae get a job,” Helen Birnie hid shouted across.
“Silent, if ye take the advice ae they bloody lassies before taking it fae wan ae yer mates, then hell mend ye,” Snappy hid warned him, as Silent slid aff the seat and heided across tae join the lassies, followed two minutes later by Simon.
“Kin ye bloody believe that pair?” Snappy hid bleated, nodding across at Silent and Simon getting a lesson oan how tae pass an interview.
Simon and Silent hid started working thegither in Carpets Fur Cash doon in Queen Street the following Monday. The shoap wis owned by a right shifty dandy who wore a white suit and matching shoes and ran aboot in a fancy white Volvo P1800 that hid fancy red leather seats in it. Simon hid been apprenticed wae wan ae the shoap’s carpet fitters while Silent hid been put tae work oot front in the shoap, helping the salesmen tae unroll and cut the lengths ae carpet, before stacking them up at the back door tae be collected by Simon and the carpet fitter. The Dandy’s wife, Sally, worked in the office daeing the books, bit she wis furever looking oot ae the wee glass windae ae her office, trying tae clock whit The Dandy wis up tae. Simon wid sit in Jonah’s telling them that every time a wummin came intae the shoap, The Dandy wid be aw o’er her like a rash. Johnboy and the boys used tae pish themsels laughing when Simon telt them whit the randy basturt goat up tae.
“Fae nae hairs tae grey hairs, school books tae pension books, if they’ve goat a fanny, Ah’m yer manny,” The Dandy hid been fond ae saying, as he continually set aboot his teeth wae a toothpick, using the plate glass windae oan the front ae the shoap as a mirror. Simon reckoned he went through two packets a day.
“Dis this Sally wan know whit he’s like, Simon?” Aggie hid asked him efter his first week oan the job.
“Ah don’t think she’s blind. At least, Ah hivnae noticed her walking aboot wae a white stick so far, so Ah hivnae,” Simon hid replied, shrugging.
Silent and Simon the Carpet Blagger hid lasted six weeks working there. In that time, they must’ve blagged enough carpets tae cover George Square, including the underlay, efter Simon hid in the storeroom and opened the back door tae his new mate, the carpet fitter. They’d started aff a wee bit caw-canny, due tae The Dandy hivving drapped hints tae everywan that he wis well in wae The Big Man. Silent and Simon hid been sick as parrots tae find oot aboot his connection and hid held back oan the amount ae carpets they’d starting blagging. Tony and Simon hid bumped intae Wan-bob Broon in the toon centre wan day and hid asked him whit the score wis.
“That ugly tailor's dummy? The only connection he his wae Pat is because ae the money he owes Pat. Youse blagging carpets aff ae him his fuck-aw tae dae wae us,” Wan-bob hid declared.
Wae green fur go, Peter the Runner hid hauf ae Springburn doon tae the shoap, picking oot whit quality carpets they wanted before it wis cut up and delivered that very night. Simon and his carpet fitter, a wee funny guy fae Anderston called Frankie Fritter, wid be up laying the carpet the same night, fur cash-in-haun. It wis through Frankie that Simon hid goat tae know hauf a dozen carpet fitters fae the other shoaps in the toon. Whenever a vacancy wis gaun in wan ae the carpet shoaps, they’d gie Simon a shout. If he couldnae take the job, oan account ae him being in the middle ae robbing a carpet shoap somewhere else, he’d find a school leaver fae Springburn tae go fur it. Simon and Peter kept aw the fitters busy. By
Silent’s last day at Carpets fur Cash, he’d hid enough. He’d wanted tae burn doon the shoap, bit Simon hid persuaded him no tae. Silent hid goat tae know The Dandy’s wife, Sally, pretty well. Oan the odd occasions when he spoke during that period, he’d said that she wis always really nice tae everywan and wid bring in homemade cakes and scones. Snappy wis always kidding him oan that it wis because he liked being mothered by her.
“See, Ah telt ye whit these aulder sex-starved wummin are like,” Snappy hid reminded him.
“Naw, Snappy, she jist disnae deserve tae be treated like shite by a prick like him,” Silent hid manage tae mumble.
“Ah rest ma case,” Snappy hid said wae finality in front ae aw the hooting lassies.
Oan Silent’s last Friday, and efter mumbling tae The Dandy the previous week that he wis moving up tae Aberdeen, he’d paid a couple ae wee boys fae Gourlay Street primary school tae dog school wan efternoon and heid intae the toon centre. The pavement hid been getting dug up oan Queen Street and the barriers tae stoap people walking intae the hole hid wee red warning lamps hinging oan each ae the corners. The school-doggers hid opened up two ae the lamps and hid taken the wee diesel lamps fae inside them. Efter tanning in wan ae The Dandy’s car windaes using an automatic centre punch supplied by Silent, they’d emptied the diesel oan tae the P1800’s nice red interior before setting it alight. Simon hid said that their timing couldnae hiv been better. The Dandy hid been encouraging aw the shoap flair staff tae go oot and hiv a sniff ae the leather oan the back seat ae the car, efter he’d said that he’d jist been up wan ae the lanes in the toon centre, shagging fuck oot ae some stoating looking model that he’d gied a discounted carpet tae.
“Ah’m telling youse, she wis oan fire by the time Ah left her,” he’d been bragging wae his back tae the shoap front windae.
“Aye, well, fae where Ah’m staunin, it looks like she’s come back fur mair,” wan ae the salesman hid said, nodding o’er The Dandy’s shoulder tae the P1800 which wis engulfed in flames oot oan the street.