Robot Dust Bunnies (Argonauts Book 5)

by Isaac Hooke

  “Looks like an army passed through here,” Tahoe commented.

  “Obviously the research scientists explored this tunnel the most in the past,” Lui said.

  The Hoplites entered the tunnel and followed twenty-five meters behind the HS3 scouts, which kept their headlamps inactive and navigated via LIDAR bursts alone.

  Rade lost contact with Shaw once again shortly thereafter.

  The tunnel branched off twice, and Rade left an HS3 behind to guard each one.

  The lead HS3 approached an unlit opening.

  “TJ,” Rade instructed, “have the scout halt in front of that opening and send out a final LIDAR burst, then retreat.”

  The HS3 did so, and Rade studied the three-dimensional wireframe that had appeared on the map.

  “Looks like a fairly wide cavern,” Manic commented. “Complete with basalt columns and jagged obsidian surfaces. But otherwise ordinary.”

  “And what about those funnel shapes on the far wall?” Fret said. “Those look almost like starship engines.”

  “Starship engines!” Bender said, erupting in laughter. “What a moron.” His voice became high pitched as he mocked Fret. “Hey look guyzzz! We found starship engines! Starshipzzzz! Wheeeee! I like starships better than pussies! If I was given the choice between five bitches and five starships, I’d pick the starships every time!”

  “Bender, please,” Rade said.

  “Sorry boss,” Bender said.

  “Obviously those aren’t part of a starship,” Manic said. “That particular formation only looks that way by chance.”

  “Could be,” Rade said.

  He examined the rest of the visualization data. There was a mining vehicle in the chamber, about the same size as the exploratory craft they had encountered earlier, consisting of a large drill bit connected to a boxlike cabin. Beside it were several supporting digger units, such as tractors and shovels, some of them mechanical, others laser-based.

  “It seems like there’s nothing else of note in the cavern,” Rade continued, “other than those diggers, and the tunnel opening on the far side. TJ, send in the HS3 to explore the cavern. Activate its headlamps.”

  eight

  Rade watched from the drone’s point of view as it circumnavigated the columns and digger units to finalize the cavern map. It paused beside the funnel shapes protruding from the far wall. The things were massive, towering shapes that could fit at least five Hoplites stacked one on top of the other, and ten abreast. They were definitely composed of a different material than the surrounding obsidian: too smooth and symmetrical to be natural, and made of some kind of metal. The nozzles were slightly hourglass in shape, and the rim was lined with smaller rectangular panels that formed an inward-facing circular pattern reminiscent of flower petals.

  “Those definitely seem like the kind of propulsion-based nozzles you’d associate with a starship,” Lui said. “Look how massive they are. And get a load of those panels inside the rim... I’d guess they steer the flow of the propellant, negating the need for the nozzles to twist in place. Maybe Fret is right...”

  “Let’s check it out,” Rade said. “Bender, lead the way.”

  Bender led the Hoplites inside, and they headed toward the far wall containing the nozzles protruding from the rock.

  The Hoplites shone their headlamps into the different nozzles and examined them. Inside, the far ends terminated in turbine-like structures.

  “Told you they were starship engines,” Fret said. “Who’s the moron now, Bender?”

  “Hey,” Bender said. “I never disagreed with you.”

  “What?” Fret said. “Yes you did.”

  “Nope,” Bender said. “I was right there with you, agreeing that these funnels were definitely starship engines. Shit man, what else could they be?”

  “I have a recording here on my Implant showing you making statements to the contrary,” Fret said.

  “Bitch, your sissy little Implant is wrong,” Bender said. “Don’t make me come over there and smack you up.”

  “Look at this,” Tahoe said. “It seems an opening was drilled into the inner wall of this one at some point.”

  Rade switched to Tahoe’s video feed and saw a rectangular line carved in relief onto the interior of the particular nozzle Tahoe examined. It looked like a relatively small portion of the wall there had been cut open like Tahoe claimed, and then replaced. Perhaps by one of the digger tools in the cavern with them.

  Rade returned to his own viewpoint and realized none of the other nozzles had similar designs carved into them.

  “If this really is a starship,” Lui said. “You can imagine how extensive the armor is. That would be one thick plug the Russians would have had to remove and then reinsert into the inner wall.”

  “Kind of like my own thick plug,” Bender said. “You know, when I remove and reinsert my snake.”

  “Into Manic’s ass?” Fret quipped.

  “No, yours,” Bender said.

  “Okay, not sure how you managed to get a reference to your penis out of that,” Lui said. “But hey, I’m just Phooey Lui, remember?”

  “That’s right,” Bender said. “You just wish yours was as big as mine... you with your tiny Sino-Korean dick.”

  Fret made what sounded like a gasp over the comm. “You racist!” he mocked.

  “Hey, we’ve all seen Phooey Lui’s dick,” Bender said.

  “I’m very happy with my penis size, thank you very much,” Lui said.

  “Sure you are,” Bender said. “Tell me then, how come whenever I visit a Sino-Korean station, and excuse myself to the men’s room, whenever I take a piss in one of the urinals, if there’s a Sino-Korean next me, he’s always trying to catch a glimpse of my snake? It gets so bad I have to lean forward into the urinal to try to hide it from the jealous gawkers. Never met a Sino-Korean yet who didn’t envy my generous endowments.”

  “So why would you hide it?” Lui said. “Maybe you’re not so big as you claim.”

  “How many times have we showered together?” Bender said.

  “I try not to look at men’s dicks when I shower...” Lui said.

  “You shower together!” Fret said. “I knew it!”

  “So wait a second,” Manic said. “How the hell did it get here? Underneath all these tons of rock?”

  “What, my penis?” Bender said.

  “No, damn it!” Manic said. “The ship!”

  “Obviously this area was covered in lava oceans at some point in the past,” Tahoe said. “The ship crashed, sunk to the seabed, and the planet either changed its orbit or rotated, perhaps due to a large meteor impact—or maybe due to the very impact of this ship itself—and the ocean solidified around it.”

  “Dude, you have an explanation for everything,” Bender said. “Where are you when my lovers catch me in bed with other women?”

  “Harlequin, does this nozzle design match anything on record from the United Systems?” Rade asked.

  “While the design does bear a resemblance to some propulsion tech found on human starships,” Harlequin said. “There is nothing on record matching this precise design, nor this immense size. At least not in any declassified documents. It is possible there was a black project commissioned by some government to utilize such a nozzle at some point, though unlikely, as the cost would be prohibitive, and there would be no way for the government in question to hide the expense from the budget. If the size of these nozzles is any indication, the associated vessel is at least five times as big as the largest supercarrier humanity has ever made.”

  “So what are you saying?” Manic told Harlequin. “This is an alien starship?”

  “That’s precisely what I’m saying,” Harlequin said.

  “Leave it to an AI to scaremonger,” Bender said. He leaped his Hoplite, Juggernaut, into a nozzle, landing on one of the inner panels that lined the rim. “This crap isn’t alien. It’s obviously Russian.”

  “Bender, get down from there,” Rade said.

&
nbsp; “Yes boss.” Bender leaped back to the cavern floor.

  “Alien or Russian, it doesn’t matter,” Rade said. “We can’t let it detract from our goal at the moment.”

  “What if the Phant is hiding inside that ship?” Fret said. “What if it’s trying to take over the AI core? What if it intends to break the alien ship away from the surface and launch it!”

  “While anything is possible,” Lui said. “I somehow doubt this ship is still operational—a fully functional starship isn’t just going to crash into a lava planet, you know.”

  “Well, it’s obvious that the Phant got inside at some point,” Fret said. “Look at that cut Tahoe pointed out.”

  “Could be that the researchers made that,” Manic said. “They tried to get inside, but failed.”

  “Yes,” Fret said. “The researchers might have failed, but what about the Phant? Everyone knows they can travel through the objects of this reality pretty easily.”

  “It’s true,” Surus said. “There would be nothing to stop the Phant from entering the ship and exploring. I have a mind to do the same. In fact, with your permission, I’d like to scout some of the outer portions of the interior, and report back.”

  “You have my permission,” Rade said. “We’ll wait here half an hour. If you haven’t returned by then, we’ll leave a unit behind to wait for you while we continue exploring.”

  “Thank you,” Surus said.

  In moments green mist emerged from the cockpit area of her mech, Sprint. It floated across to the nozzle Tahoe stood before and moved inside, seeping through the portion of the inner wall that looked like it had been cut and resealed.

  “Hey Ms. Bounty,” Bender said to Surus’ host. “Feeling lonely there in that cockpit now that Surus is gone? Want me to join you and keep you company?”

  “That’s all right,” Ms. Bounty replied.

  “What’s the matter?” Bender said. “Even an Artificial has sexual needs.”

  “Actually, no, we don’t,” Ms. Bounty said.

  “Hmph,” Bender said. “Don’t know what you’re missing.”

  “Actually, I do,” Ms. Bounty said.

  “All right, I want Hoplites placed in watch positions on either opening to this cavern,” Rade said. “I want—”

  Before he could finish, an invisible force struck his mech and he was sent hurtling backward into the wall underneath the nozzles. The other Hoplites were similarly thrown backward.

  Rade struck the obsidian hard, and felt the vibrations transmitted through to the inner actuators of the cockpit. His teeth rattled.

  He attempted to move his spreadeagled limbs, but he was attached fast.

  An instant later a small digger struck his lower body, further pinning him.

  The HS3 had smashed into the cave wall beside him, its wreckage scattering across a one meter radius.

  “Electron, demagnetize hull,” Rade said.

  “Hull is demagnetized,” Electron replied.

  Nothing happened.

  Rade attempted to move once again. He was still stuck.

  “Fire lateral jets, Electron,” Rade said. “Full burn.”

  “Firing jets,” Electron replied.

  Rade didn’t budge.

  “All right, cut the jumpjets,” Rade said.

  The burn ceased.

  Rade glanced at his overhead map. According to the indicators, all of the other Hoplites were attached to the wall around him as well. Along with the digger units.

  “Hoplites, status?” Rade sent.

  “Can’t move,” Tahoe said.

  “Neither can I,” Lui said. “Looks like all of our mechs are glued to the wall. I can’t rescind my cockpit either.”

  “Electron, open her up,” Rade said.

  “While the latch works,” Electron said. “Unfortunately, the hatch itself isn’t lowering. I am at a loss to explain it.”

  “We’re like flies stuck on the curly sticky paper that comes in those rolls you hang from your bathroom fixtures,” Bender said.

  “None of us have ever used that curly sticky paper ourselves,” Manic said. “Of course, we don’t all live in fly-infested hovels back on Earth like you.”

  “Yeah at least I don’t got bed bugs like you,” Bender said. “I remember you coming in to the base each morning with those sores on your arms and legs. You’d try to hide them by wearing long sleeve shirts and cargo pants, but I saw them, bitch.”

  “Those were hickeys,” Manic said.

  “Ha!” Bender said. “Hickeys on your forearms and calves? Riiiight.”

  “Uh, yeah,” Manic said. “Someone’s never had sex before.”

  “Bitch,” Bender said, “I don’t know what kind of perverted sex you’re having to get hickeys on your forearms and calves.”

  “Damn, but that impact really rattled my skull,” Lui said. “Kind of makes me miss the old days, you know, when we had ATLAS mechs that wouldn’t transmit external vibrations to our hulls?”

  “You realize you can deactivate that feature, right?” Tahoe said.

  “And lose all earthquake warnings?” Lui said. “No thanks.”

  “Uh guys?” Fret said. “Is no one else concerned about our current predicament?”

  “Only you, skinny bitch,” Bender said.

  “Only me?” Fret said. “Um, we’re trapped against a wall next to an ancient, super advanced alien ship, inside a cave with a Phant on the loose. And to top it off, one of our Green allies is missing. I think I’m not the only one concerned here.”

  “We’re all concerned,” Rade said. “If anyone has any ideas on what the hell is going on, I’d like to hear them.”

  “Speaking of our Green allies,” Manic said. “It’s convenient, isn’t it, how as soon as Surus vanishes, we all get glued to the walls? Corunna, what do you have to say about that?”

  Corunna didn’t answer.

  “It’s almost like Surus magnetized the ship embedded in the rock somehow, shortly after passing inside,” Lui said. “Hopefully she can find a way to reverse what she’s done.”

  “I’m not sure she was the one who magnetized the ship,” Harlequin said. “The timing is off. She had only just vanished through the inner wall of the nozzle, and probably wasn’t even finished seeping through the armor into the interior proper, let alone close enough to any actual control centers that could have enabled such magnetization.”

  “It’s not magnetism holding you to the cave wall,” came a new voice over the comm. “But gravity. Selective gravity, at that.”

  A woman in a jumpsuit stepped into view.

  nine

  Rade stared at the newcomer. Behind the faceplate, the woman had Russian features. Rade accessed the public profile, which indicated the individual was an Artificial.

  “Who the bitch-ass are you?” Bender said.

  “I’m the chef,” the Artificial said.

  “The Phant!” Fret exclaimed.

  “Call me Alton,” the Artificial responded.

  “How the hell did our prey get access to our encrypted line?” Lui said.

  “I had help,” Alton said.

  Corunna leaped down from Sprint’s passenger seat and stepped toward Alton, finally halting to stand at his side.

  “Traitor!” Ms. Bounty said.

  “How the hell is she able to walk away from us?” Fret said.

  “The Phant did say it was selective gravity,” Tahoe said.

  “No gravity is this selective, bitches,” Bender stated.

  “Unless the gravitational source was created by a technologically advanced species,” Lui said. “Like the owners of the starship behind us. Or someone who stole their tech. Like a Phant.”

  “Electron, try to open the cockpit again,” Rade instructed.

  “The latch continues to operate,” Electron said. “But the door itself refuses to yield against the gravitational pull securing us to this wall.”

  “Why have you done this, Corunna?” Ms. Bounty said.

  “Tell
Surus when she returns that we must be willing to sacrifice another species to save our own,” Corunna said. “The other Phants will wipe us Greens out if we don’t make peace. Better to give them this token gift, and see humanity eradicated, than face the extermination of our own kind.”

  “You’re wrong,” Ms. Bounty said. “The Phants don’t have the means to wipe you out. The Greens are equally matched. At least according to the memories Surus has imparted me...”

  “It may have been true, once, but not anymore,” Corunna said. She glanced at Alton. “Should we tell them?”

  “I don’t see why not,” Alton said. “Surus will find out eventually, from your brethren.” The Artificial turned to address the Argonauts. “I am a Purple. A member of the clandestine branch, part of an advance group responsible for infiltrating humanity in preparation for the arrival of the main invasion force. The Russian government was my particular target. Much to my delight, they employ many Artificials in their administration, allowing for easy usurpation—the installation of cybernetics in human hosts is messy, and difficult to conceal, but Artificials are ready to go, as it were.

  “Via those Artificials, I worked my way up the hierarchy of a particular Russian intelligence service. A position that allowed me access to many state secrets. Many months ago, I intercepted a message from Russian scientists at a research base, stating that they had come across an alien vessel buried deep beneath the rock of a lava planet. I prevented this message from reaching the Russian high command, and arranged it so that anyone beneath me who had knowledge about the base was eliminated, in the case of humans, or wiped, in the case of AIs. Then I set out to explore this planet for myself, leaving an intermediary AI in place lower down the chain to intercept and block any communications with the scientists. A classic man-in-the-middle attack, for those of the hacker inclination among you.

  “When I finally arrived, I knew immediately that this was an incredible find. The buried ship seemed mostly intact, its hull having survived the incredible heat and pressure at the bottom of a former lava ocean. I knew the starship had to belong to a Tech Class IV race. What wonders would I find inside?