Edge of Chaos (Love on the Edge #1)

by Molly E. Lee

  Dash sighed. “Yeah, but I really wanted you to see one touch down today. It’ll change you.”

  I already counted the minutes until another chase opportunity presented itself. It wouldn’t change me, though . . . it already had.

  “YOU’RE NOT SERIOUSLY bailing on me again, are you?” I held my cell to my ear and tried to stop my hands from shaking.

  “I actually worked all week! I didn’t just sit in a comfortable classroom and read books all day, or check out customers looking for the newest DVD.”

  “But you promised—” After the video game store fiasco a couple of weeks ago, Justin had promised he’d make it up to me for being a jerk. I’d seized the opportunity to test the waters, explaining to him about the new “study-friends” I’d made and wanted him to meet. In the moment, he’d agreed to anything to get back in my good graces, but in the time since he’d failed to deliver.

  “This is bullshit! I have two days off. I’m exhausted and want to relax.”

  Tears stung the backs of my eyes, but I pushed them away. I paced the concrete walkway outside of Bailey’s. This was the second weekend in a row Justin had flaked on that promise. Last week’s excuse was he didn’t feel well, which I would’ve totally understood if he hadn’t spent both nights drinking with his boys while watching a Die Hard marathon. He’d invited me over, but I wasn’t in the mood. He’d texted me throughout, giving me crap over studying with the guys over watching movies with him. The way he harped on me about it only reaffirmed my decision on not fully disclosing just how much time not-studying I did with Dash and the guys.

  “It’s not like I’m asking you to run a 5k, Justin,” I said, returning to myself. “Just come out for a couple hours to meet my friends.” I stopped mid-pace and leaned against the outside of the bar. People went in and out, ignoring the girl close to losing her cool.

  “Your friends? God, Blake, you’ve known them for a week.” He scoffed.

  Over a month now, actually. And I’d spent nearly every day with Dash. After class we’d go to lunch and rehash the lectures or he’d tell me one of his countless storm-chasing tales. Sometimes he and the guys would drop by my work before I got off and then hang at my place after.

  John and Paul loved Hail, and she surprised me with her acceptance of more males, but she doted on Dash. I hadn’t been out this much or had more fun in my entire college career. Possibly high school, either. And I wished Justin could be a part of that, but he wasn’t. I couldn’t even be honest with him about it, because if he knew how happy Dash made me he’d squash it. Twist it and make me the bad guy. Maybe I was. Or maybe Justin really didn’t want me to have any source of happiness outside of his control. I didn’t know what made sense anymore.

  “You know they only want you around to help them get ahead in class or chases or whatever the hell it is they do. They don’t like you, Blake. They only like where you’ll get them.”

  It wasn’t true, but his words stung. He made the idea of someone else actually liking me for who I was sound ridiculous.

  “Fine. You have fun playing video games,” I snapped.

  Stupid of me.

  “You’re being an immature bitch, and I won’t stand for it. I’m a grown man, and if I want to drink beer and play COD on the weekends, then I will.”

  “Funny how that is more appealing than spending time with your girlfriend.” Grown man my ass.

  “You’re always welcome over here. You know that.”

  I sighed and rubbed the back of my neck. I hated Justin’s apartment. The normal state consisted of wall-to-wall Keystone Light cans, half filled with chew-tainted spit, and the other half crushed and thrown across the room sporadically. Fast food bags, empty dip cans, cigarette packs, and dirty laundry rounded out the decor. The only pristine thing in his apartment was his fifty-inch flat screen and the fully loaded entertainment center beneath it. When he first got the place I’d made a habit of going over there on Mondays after school when he was at work and cleaned. I did it for months and the place always smelled fresh and looked like a real home afterward. Though, after months of never getting so much as a “thank you”, I’d given up and had him over at my place instead.

  “Come on, Blake. I’m sorry I snapped before. It’s because I need to see you so bad. Just ditch those guys and come over. We’ll watch a movie. Just you and me.” His voice had softened.

  I glanced at the bar, picturing Dash and the guys inside.

  “Just you and me?” I asked, wondering if the time alone would give us the opportunity to find a common ground again. It had been two weeks since he’d seen me. Maybe that was why he was in such a mood. He needed me. I could make him happy and set things right.

  “Yes, just us.”

  “All right. I’ll be over in half an hour.”

  “See you then.”

  I gave him a little time, hoping he’d clean the place up a bit before I got there.

  I walked back into the bar and slid my fresh frosted mug of beer toward Dash. Lindsay eyed it but quickly looked away when I glanced at her. “You can have this. I’m heading to Justin’s.”

  “I thought he was coming here?” He scanned the bar as if Justin would magically appear. I wished.

  “He’s beat from work. We’re going to do a movie night.” I made it sound like a normal thing we did.

  “Your loss, Meteorologist. We’re about to engage in an epic shuffleboard battle,” Paul said.

  “I’ll catch the next one.”

  “Hey, wait,” Paul stopped me before I could turn to leave. “What do meteorologists call a row of martinis?”

  I rolled my eyes but indulged Paul’s need to crack a corny weather joke every time we saw each other. “What?”

  “The Dry Line!” He laughed at his cleverness, and I released a small chuckle.

  “Good one,” I said.

  Dash shook his head. “Paul, man, where do you get this crap?” Paul just smirked as Dash hopped up from the table. “Hold up, Blake. I’ll walk you out.”

  We cleared the crowded bar and stepped into the cool night air. I stopped before my car and glanced at Dash who was awfully quiet. “What’s up?”

  He shoved his hands in his pockets and shrugged. After spending so much time with him, I knew that meant he was holding something back. I’d seen him do it with the guys plenty of times, especially when they argued the wrong side of a debate regarding why tornadoes occurred predominantly in the afternoon. Honestly, I think Paul only said it was due to atmospheric pressure as opposed to the more likely reason of temperature and moisture levels to get a rise out of Dash.

  “Come on, just tell me.”

  “I don’t want to upset you,” he finally said, meeting my eyes.

  The notion almost made me laugh. We agreed on almost everything. “I highly doubt there is anything you could say that would upset me, Dash. Out with it.”

  He shrugged again. “You let him off too easy.”

  A rock lodged itself in my throat. Dash normally avoided speaking his mind in regards to Justin and settled on eye rolls when I relayed stories to him. It was nice, to just talk about things with him without being judged. I knew it could only last so long.

  “What do you mean?”

  “This is the hundredth time he’s flaked on you.”

  “He’s only done this twice.”

  “To meet us, yeah, but to you . . .”

  I took a deep breath. Maybe I’d been too liberal when sharing past stories with him.

  He took his hands out of his pockets and raked them through his hair. “You don’t have to cater to his schedule, you know. If he wanted to see you . . . he’d see you.”

  A sharp pain twisted in my chest. Dash was right. Damn him. Of course I knew that, but I couldn’t change Justin. He’d been this way since the beginning. All I could do was take what he gave, no matter how little he offered.

  “Well, he’s about to see me,” I said angrily and dug my keys out of my purse.

  “So you’re jus
t going to run to him? Let him dictate how you spend all your time?”

  “He doesn’t decide how I spend all my time.”

  “Oh really? Why are you going to school here? Not that I’m not happy you are, but really? Why is it that you haven’t been to one party since you started school? Or why do you feel the need to lie to him about all the time we spend together?”

  Shame clawed at my stomach having the fact that I had to lie about my friendships thrown in my face. “It’s easier if he thinks we only study together—”

  “You’ve got to be joking.” Dash jerked his hands in the air. “Tell me you can at least see that he isolates you for a reason?”

  My heart pounded anxiously. Dash didn’t know the truth. He couldn’t understand I was the only person in Justin’s life who hadn’t abandoned him. My presence kept Justin from slipping into that dark place where everyone else in his life who was supposed to love him had pushed him. A place where his life hung in the balance. “You don’t know him—”

  “I know you, Blake,” he interrupted me. “I know that you can’t stand tomatoes but are too nice to ever ask the waitress to leave them off. I know that the only other artist you blare as loud as Blue October is Elvis. I know the look in your eyes when you see the sky darken and you hear that first clap of thunder. And I know that every time he hurts you, I want to introduce his face to the curb.”

  My mouth dropped open. Dash continuously shocked me with how well he understood me in such a short amount of time. The sensation of completeness was new and almost jarring. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Dash . . . if you only knew—”

  “I’d still probably think he was an asshole,” he cut me off.

  Why were the men in my life picking fights with me today? My stomach boiled. “Fine.” I shrugged. “Think what you want.” I opened my car door and sank inside. Dash stomped toward the bar, and I drove off before he’d made it in.

  I gripped the steering wheel so hard my knuckles turned white. My insides trembled and I screamed.

  I took a few deep breaths to calm down, eased back in my seat, and focused on the road. Even Justin hadn’t pulled a reaction like this out of me from a fight in a long time. Maybe because I avoided fights with him at all cost. Dash had blindsided me, though.

  Why had he chosen tonight to speak his mind? He’d had plenty of opportunities in the past month when I’d basically relayed Justin’s and my entire history to him. Instead he’d just made his faces and given his own war story involving him and Lindsay. We’d laughed about it.

  I let myself in to Justin’s apartment, excitement replacing the anger within me. Justin and I were about to have a much-needed quiet night together, just the two of us. Dash couldn’t possibly understand the need because Lindsay was at his beck and call. He had no idea what it was like to have to fight for time with your partner or to get to a place where you were so lost you didn’t even know where you stood anymore. I had to find solid ground again.

  My heart sank a fraction as I made my way to the living room. I stepped over opened stereo boxes, their wires and cords strewn everywhere, and then tiptoed across the room to avoid crushing empty beer cans with my boots. The place smelled faintly of smoke and fried food, but not in a good way like at the bar. This was more of a stagnant scent that had hovered who knows how long. It’d been a while since this place had a good cleaning. Probably since the last time I’d done it, months ago. I glanced at the kitchen on my way and cringed. A tower of dishes filled the sink, some moldy, others cracked, and the countertops were littered with McDonald’s and Wendy’s bags. My fingers itched to give it all a good scrub down, but I squashed the urge.

  Justin sat in the middle of his couch, his Xbox controller in hand and his eyes fixed on his massive flat screen. The living room fared no better, and I sighed.

  “Just a minute,” Justin said without looking up.

  I continued to stare at the mess he lived in, a wave of unease sweeping over me. This was worse than I remembered. Was work riding him so hard he couldn’t manage the effort to keep the place even the slightest bit tidy? Or had I never realized it was always this bad? Kind of like I never noticed there were men in the world who actually listened, and got excited about things other than video games? Damn it, Dash’s challenge tonight shook up my thoughts so much I couldn’t see straight.

  I took a seat on the edge of his couch, noticing the sunken-in form underneath Justin had molded even more to his body than before. My stomach simmered—this is where he’d rather be than out with me.

  He clicked off the Xbox and laid his controller gently on the entertainment stand. He turned to me. “Glad you came over,” he said and stood, taking my hands and pulling me to him.

  The simmering stopped. Maybe I wasn’t seeing things differently. Perhaps he didn’t even realize how bad the place was. Work had to be exhausting him. I’d help him get the place back to livable again. Maybe tomorrow.

  I wrapped my arms around his middle.

  Before I could speak, he swooped an arm underneath my legs and held me against his chest. He rushed us to his bedroom, crunching beer cans as he went.

  “Whoa, where is the fire?” I asked when he tossed me on his twin-size mattress. It laid on the floor, which I was thankful I couldn’t see because he’d neglected to turn on the light. I heard the clanking of his belt and then his pants unzipping.

  “Right here,” he whispered and tugged at my jeans.

  “I thought we were going to watch a movie?” I said as he frantically kissed my neck.

  “We will after.”

  After the argument with him and then Dash, all I wanted to do was spend some time having a real conversation with Justin. I didn’t want another fight, though. He was right, we’d have good quality time after. And he’d definitely be in a better mood.

  My jeans scraped against something cardboard as he tossed them on the floor and my underwear followed two seconds later. He didn’t bother with my shirt. He kissed me hard, his tongue meeting mine with a jarring thrust before he turned me and gripped my hips from behind.

  I held my breath as he entered me, trying to think about something that would get me in the same mood as him.

  “What is it?” he asked when I hadn’t moved to meet his thrusts.

  “Hurts a little,” I whispered.

  Justin pushed himself inside again. “You’ll warm up in a minute.”

  After a few minutes I slowed him down by moving forward and said, “Justin, kiss me.”

  “What?” He grunted, trying to maintain his speed.

  “Kiss me,” I said again, this time glancing over my shoulder. My eyes had somewhat adjusted to the darkness, and Justin’s face was easier to see. I wanted him to look at me, to see the plea in my eyes to make this more enjoyable for both of us. I wanted him to kiss me, thinking perhaps a little more time would change things.

  He didn’t look at me, though. He just arched his head back.

  “Nope. I’m almost there,” he said, clutching me harder and picking up the pace.

  I turned back around, a combination of sadness and disappointment curling around my chest and squeezing.

  He gave one final thrust and groaned, his body slackening behind mine, then he jumped off the bed and dressed in a hurry. “I’m gonna get a drink,” he said and bolted out the door before I could ask for something myself.

  I winced getting off the bed. Justin had gone faster than normal tonight.

  I took my clothes into his tiny bathroom and attempted to clean up. I slipped on my underwear carefully, desperately craving a warm bath. I glanced at his tub and shuddered. A dirt ring wrapped around it and orange stains clung to every corner. I’d rather take the pain than climb into that. We needed to have a serious talk about the state of this place if he ever wanted me to come back over.

  After gathering myself, I made it back to the living room, totally prepared to take a spot next to him on the couch and try to start a conversation, one that would help us find ea
ch other again, and one, I hoped, that would bring balance back to my life. I froze two steps in.

  Justin’s best friends Mark and Andy sat on either side of him on the couch, a beer in each of their hands. His flat screen had the COD menu up.

  “Hey, Blake,” Mark said, and Andy gave me a nod.

  “Hey?” I said, but it sounded like a question. The earlier simmering heated to a roaring boil now. This was why Justin had hurried. He’d probably told the guys to meet him at a certain time. “Justin, can I talk to you for a minute?”

  He glanced up at me and handed his controller to Andy. I turned and stopped in front of his closed bedroom door with him following behind me.

  “What is it?” he asked.

  I put my hand on my hip. “Are you kidding me?”

  “What?” he snapped.

  I flung my hand in the direction of the living room. “I thought it was going to be just us tonight.”

  “It was just us. Now I want to hang with my boys and play COD. What’s the big deal? You can watch.”

  I pinched the bridge of my nose. I would not cry. Not here. Not with his friends only feet away. “I really needed this tonight.”

  He scrunched his face up. “Needed what?”

  “To be with you.”

  “You just were with me.”

  “Not like that!” I scoffed. “I needed to just . . .”

  “What, Blake? You always need me to do something. To talk or to go somewhere or to meet people who won’t matter after school is done. Why can’t you ever be happy with just me?”

  “I am! But it’s not just you tonight, is it? Don’t you play games with these guys all the time? Couldn’t you give me one night?”

  Justin crossed his arms over his chest. “I am. I have! God, you act like playing video games is worshiping the devil.”

  “I do not.”

  “Yeah, you do. I don’t know why you can’t get that this is my downtime. It’s like you and your books.”

  “I don’t ever blow you off to read a book, Justin.”

  “Whatever.”

  I sighed and took a step toward him, opting to take a different approach. I pried his hands away from his chest and took them in mine.