Bonkers

by Michelle Holman

  Ben was so surprised by the question that he sat up straight in his chair. It was not the kind of thing guys talked about, not the kind of thing they would ask one another—drunk or not. But then he figured the situation he and Dan Brogan were in was hardly normal and the usual rules didn’t apply. Nonetheless, the question made Ben uncomfortable, because he wasn’t sure how to answer it. The big American was watching him intently across the table, waiting patiently for a reply. Ben guessed that if he decided not to answer Dan Brogan wouldn’t hold it against him.

  ‘I don’t know,’ he finally admitted.

  Dan nodded thoughtfully.

  Ben liked him. In different circumstances he would have enjoyed the other man’s easy-going company and sense of humour. In fact, he was just the kind of guy Ben would like one of his sisters to marry—he was certainly tall enough for Sherry, although Ben doubted the man existed who could handle his stroppy, razor-tongued sister. But, Ben reminded himself sharply, Dan Brogan was Linda Brogan’s husband, the same Linda Brogan who was running around town pretending to be Lisa and upsetting his family.

  ‘What about you, Brogan?’ he demanded. ‘Do you love your wife?’

  ‘My wife’s dead.’

  Ben slammed his palms on the tabletop in frustration, making empty cans jump and fall over and beer bottles rattle. ‘Alright then! Did you love your wife?’

  It was Dan’s turn to struggle to find an answer. ‘To begin with,’ he said.

  ‘What sort of an answer is that?’

  ‘The truth.’ Dan frowned, and picking up one of the beer bottles began to pick at the label. ‘Things change. Time makes changes you don’t even always see or want to see. People don’t stay the same.’

  Ben felt shaken by the other man’s honesty and the way his words struck a chord deep inside the part of him he refused to explore. He cleared his throat. ‘Do you love Lisa?’ he asked gruffly.

  A corner of Dan’s mouth lifted in a crooked smile, and he nodded, his attention still focussed on prising the label away from the bottle.

  ‘Yes,’ he said quietly. ‘I love Lisa.’

  30

  Lisa woke up on the morning of Ben’s wedding telling herself she had no right to interfere, that it wasn’t her place to interfere. But as the day wore on and she imagined the rest of the family getting ready to go to the church, she realized that what was right and what was necessary were two different things.

  She’d never gate-crashed a wedding before. What did a gatecrasher wear to a wedding? Did she dress up like a regular guest? Or was it better to keep a low profile and look like somebody who had slipped in off the street to get a closer look at the bride? Eventually she settled for the undercover look—dark jeans, dark T-shirt and black sports shoes (essential if she pissed Ben off so much that she had to make a run for it). She completed the look with a black baseball cap worn low over a pair of black shades.

  A look in the mirror made her shudder—she looked like a terrorist.

  After checking her watch, she scurried out the doorway and off in the direction of the church at a brisk trot. She would have run but she doubted that her ankle was up to an all-out sprint just yet, so she paid one of the neighbour’s kids for a loan of his bicycle.

  ‘I’ll have it back by the end of the day,’ Lisa promised.

  ‘The end of the day?’ The next Donald Trump screwed up his face and scratched beneath his metallic-burgundy safety helmet. ‘Then it’ll cost you extra.’

  Lisa scowled. ‘I’ve a good mind to speak to your mother!’

  ‘That’s my new bike. If my mother finds out I’ve lent it to you she’ll ground me for a month.’ Donald paused and scratched harder. ‘And I don’t know what she’ll do to you.’

  Lisa coughed up the extra cash and quickly quit the scene in case Donald’s mother came out of the house. He’d offered her the loan of his helmet for an extra three dollars, but all that scratching had put her off.

  It was a lousy day, grey and overcast and threatening rain before too long. Who else but Brenda would choose to get married in the middle of winter, Lisa thought irritably as she pedalled down the road in the direction of the church, hunched over the too-small bike. She would bet her bottom dollar that Brenda had chosen the July date because it meant she wouldn’t have to pay top dollar to hire the reception hall like she would in the high-demand period over spring and summer. The thought helped shore up her wavering confidence that she was doing the right thing—that and not wanting to miss the opportunity to see Sherry in all that sickly green satin.

  Dan had been called into the hospital to see one of his patients early on Saturday morning. Ever since Ben Jackson had mentioned he was getting married on the weekend, Dan had had a very bad feeling. Lisa was vehemently opposed to the wedding and, remembering how she had been with her father and mother at the garden centre, it was clear she wouldn’t hesitate to do whatever she thought was necessary to keep her family happy. The bad feeling grew and grew until it sat on Dan’s shoulder like a gremlin grinning and pounding him on the head.

  He was pulling up to Esme Moody’s when he spied Lisa riding across the road on a kid’s bike, pedalling for all she was worth. Dan watched in disbelief as she wobbled off along the road on his left before he headed after her.

  He tapped the horn gently when he was behind her, sucking in a breath when Lisa jerked and nearly fell off the bike. She looked over her shoulder angrily, her face slackening with shock when she recognized Dan’s car. Her wide eyes rose to his scowling face.

  He saw her mouth ‘Dan’ before she reluctantly pulled to the side of the road.

  Dan pulled alongside her and lowered the passenger window.

  ‘What the hell do you think you’re doing riding a bike without a helmet on?’ he yelled. ‘And whose bike is it anyway?’

  Lisa’s expression turned stubborn. ‘I borrowed it and I haven’t got a helmet because I think Donald has nits. Now if you don’t mind buggering off, I have things to do.’

  Climbing on the bike, she escaped around the front of the car before Dan could stop her.

  He chased her down the road, trying not to get too close and frighten her, and at the same time not hold up the traffic behind him. Lisa kept looking over her shoulder at him. Suddenly, she pulled onto the pavement and disappeared down an alleyway between two houses.

  Dan was swearing a blue streak when he finally found the church where Ben’s wedding was being held. It was the third one he’d visited, and the only one with a bright-blue kid’s bike leaning against the wide steps leading up to it.

  As he pulled the car into the kerbside, Dan saw Lisa come racing out of the double doors at the top of the steps, closely followed by Sherry Jackson who was wearing a green satin bridesmaid’s dress held high above her knees and red fishnet stockings and garters on her long legs. Ben Jackson burst out of the doors behind Sherry, dressed in a dark-blue wedding suit and corsage and looking angry as hell.

  Dan had a horrible idea he knew what Lisa had just done. He jumped out of the car and sprinted towards them.

  Lisa saw him, shrieked and skidded to a halt.

  ‘What the hell have you done, Lisa?’ Dan cried as the wedding guests spilled from the church to stand at the top of the steps and watch the show.

  ‘Nothing I’m ashamed of!’ she shouted back defiantly, but when she happened to glance over her shoulder and see Ben bearing down on her with murder in his eyes, she screamed and ran behind Dan’s back.

  Sherry grabbed Ben’s arm to stop him, but hindered as she was by high heels and yards of satin skirt he easily slipped her. ‘Don’t you dare hurt her, Ben! I wish I’d thought of it!’

  Ben stopped in front of Dan and snarled. ‘Get out of the way, Dan!’

  Lisa clutched Dan’s shirt and buried her face in his back.

  Dan sighed. ‘I can’t do that, Ben.’

  ‘I’m going to kill her!’

  ‘I know how you feel, I’ve felt like it once or twice myself, but that’s why I can
’t get out of the way,’ Dan explained patiently.

  Behind him, Lisa gasped indignantly.

  ‘Do you know what she did?’ Ben yelled, his hands bunched in fists at his sides. ‘When the minister asked if there was any reason why the marriage couldn’t take place she stood up and said I couldn’t marry Brenda because she buys my birthday presents from the two-dollar shop!’

  ‘It’s true,’ Lisa mumbled from behind Dan.

  Ben’s eyes bulged. He tried to lunge around Dan, but Dan quickly turned so he was between brother and sister.

  Sherry began to laugh.

  Brian and Jill Jackson joined them.

  Brian grabbed Ben’s shoulder in a strong grip. ‘I know you’re angry, but this isn’t the time or the place, Ben.’

  ‘Lisa! What were you thinking?’ Jill cried to the middle of Dan’s chest.

  ‘I wish I’d thought of it,’ Sherry said again.

  ‘Shut up, Sherry!’ Ben and Jill snapped.

  ‘Bennn! Are you going to come back in?’ Brenda wailed from the top of the steps. ‘The minister said there’s still time if we hurry. There’s another wedding in half an hour.’

  Dan felt Lisa hold her breath and clutch his back more tightly, while Sherry, Brian and Jill all looked apprehensively at Ben.

  Just like his mother had done, he stared at Dan’s chest for several long moments, his throat working and his blue-grey eyes unseeing. Slowly, he turned and looked over his shoulder at Brenda standing at the top of the stairs in the wedding dress and veil her mother had made for her to save money, even though Ben had offered to buy her a gown.

  He slowly shook his head.

  Lisa, who’d been peeping around Dan’s side, let out a shuddering breath and slumped against his back. Sherry closed her eyes and smiled.

  Brenda burst into noisy tears. ‘I hate your sisters! I hate them!’

  ‘There, there!’ Raylene Buckner soothed. ‘They were always stuck up, those Jacksons. Thought they were too good for us and they couldn’t cook to save themselves.’

  Jill, Sherry and Lisa stared incredulously at Ray’s departing beanpole figure.

  ‘The cheeky bitch!’ Jill fumed. ‘The woman doesn’t know the meaning of good food!’

  ‘No need to waste the tucker at the reception, is there?’ Denny’s voice drifted back to them as half of the guests headed back inside the church. ‘We might as well go and enjoy it. It’s all paid for.’

  ‘That woman was right, you know,’ Auntie Violet shouted as she made her way slowly down the concrete steps on Cousin Sandra’s arm. ‘Brenda is as tight as a duck’s bum. Wish I hadn’t wasted money on that nice ashtray for their present.’

  ‘Mum!’ Cousin Sandra hissed.

  Ben went to find Brenda.

  Jill and Brian put their arms around Lisa and hugged her tightly. Lisa cried and hugged them back hard. Sherry and Dan cleared their throats as they watched.

  Jill turned her attention to Dan and gave a watery smile. ‘Thank you for looking after her. And thank you for saving the day again—Dan, is it?’

  ‘Yes.’ Dan shook Brian’s hand and hugged Jill back when she embraced him. ‘It’s nice to meet you both,’ he said huskily.

  Lisa was surprised when Dan suddenly said, ‘Could I talk to you for a moment, Mr Jackson?’

  Brian’s greying brows rose. ‘Of course.’

  Dan gestured towards some trees on the other side of the churchyard and the two men walked away together.

  ‘What’s all that about?’ Lisa asked.

  Sherry shrugged.

  Lisa looked her up and down. ‘You look like a gallstone.’

  Sherry narrowed her eyes. ‘You look like a terrorist.’

  ‘What’s with the fishnet stockings and garters?’

  ‘Aren’t they great?’ Sherry said smugly.

  ‘They are not great,’ Jill quavered, smearing her makeup as she tried to dry her eyes. ‘They’re totally inappropriate.’

  ‘I figured if Brenda was going to make me wear a hooker’s dress I might as well finish the outfit with hooker’s underwear.’ Sherry looked at the church. ‘I s’pose I’d better go and see how Ben is.’

  ‘Do you think he’ll ever forgive me?’ Lisa asked in a small voice. Jill put her arms around her again.

  ‘Of course he will,’ Sherry said. ‘Sometime in the twenty-fifth century he’ll have forgotten all about it.’

  She disappeared inside the church.

  Dan and Brian returned to the women. Brian was smiling. Lisa thought Dan looked nervous.

  Brian held out an arm to his wife. ‘Come on, let’s get home.’

  ‘What was all that about?’ Jill asked.

  ‘None of your business,’ Brian replied crisply. ‘Men’s talk.’

  She looked at Lisa. ‘But—’

  ‘You’ll see Lisa soon enough. Dan wants to talk to her alone. He can bring her home later on.’

  When they’d gone, Lisa looked up at Dan in confusion. ‘Why did you send them away?’

  He looked so serious Lisa was worried.

  ‘I really like all of your family, Lisa.’

  Lisa wondered if she’d heard right. Had Dan just called them her family?

  ‘You do?’

  He nodded and lowered his voice. ‘But I’m only asking one of them to marry me.’

  Lisa simply stared up at him. Slowly she smiled, her whole face lighting up. ‘You believe me? You believe me!’

  ‘Is that a yes?’

  ‘It’s a yes!’

  Dan opened his arms and Lisa threw herself against him, wrapping her arms around his waist and holding on tight. Dan dipped his chin and rested it on top of her head. ‘I know Linda’s dead, Lisa,’ he said softly. ‘I’ve known it for a long time, but I couldn’t allow myself to believe it—to believe you.’

  He felt Lisa nod against his chest. She tipped back her head and looked up at him. ‘I understand. I totally understand.’

  ‘I love you,’ Dan mouthed, the lump in his throat making it impossible to get the words out. He swallowed, cleared his throat and tried again. ‘I love you, Lisa Louise Jackson,’ he said firmly.

  ‘Got you the first time.’ She grinned, and going on tiptoe hooked her arms about his shoulders. ‘That was a really good bit!’ she said. ‘Now get to the other good bit!’

  ‘Huh?’ He frowned slightly until Lisa raised her chin and parted her lips. ‘Oh! That good bit! Oh yeah…I can do that…’

  Dan told Lisa that the reason he asked to speak to Brian in the churchyard was to get her father’s permission to ask her to marry him. Lisa was touched he had thought to do that. ‘It will mean a lot to my father.’

  When they made love later that day, Lisa stopped Dan when he reached for a condom and asked him quietly, ‘Do we have to?’

  He looked closely at her. ‘Are you sure?’

  She nodded. ‘Yes, very sure.’

  Dan grinned crookedly. ‘You’re just worried about having to front up to that little checkout girl again, aren’t you?’ he asked, relaxing his shoulders back against the pillows and grasping Lisa by the waist to lift her astride him.

  ‘Found me out,’ Lisa gasped as she sank down on him. She closed her eyes and smiled. ‘Found me out.’

  Sherry Jackson walked slowly across the arrivals area at Auckland airport. It was early in the morning and three 747s had just arrived. The area was jam-packed with weary travellers wanting to get through passport control and customs and outside to meet their relatives and begin their holidays.

  Somehow Sherry had managed to pull a relieving duty at the airport but she was in a very good mood, and had been ever since Ben’s wedding day. Ben was still feeling bad about jilting Brenda at the altar and he still didn’t have a lot to say to Lisa, but Sherry was confident he’d eventually come around. Ben had a heart the size of the Pacific Ocean, and watching the way Lisa interacted with the family just like the old Lisa used to had put a stop to his protests she was a fake.

  Lisa and Dan wer
e getting married this coming Saturday on Waiake beach if the weather co-operated, or in Jill and Brian’s living room if it didn’t. Sherry was going to be Lisa’s bridesmaid, and both of them would be wearing simple sheath dresses with pleated silk straps; Lisa’s white and Sherry’s a deep blue. Sherry, who wasn’t a particularly romantic soul, got a lump in her throat every time she saw Lisa and Dan together. They overflowed with happiness, making everybody around them feel happy, too. And even better, they weren’t sickly about it.

  Sherry was curious to see how Dan’s family would behave when they met Lisa. It was going to be particularly hard for them because they had known Linda Brogan, and from what Lisa had told Sherry they hadn’t liked Dan’s first wife very much.

  Lisa said that Dan had told his mother, father and brother what had happened to her after the accident.

  ‘What did they say?’

  ‘Dan said his mother had spoken to her priest about it and basically said something along the lines of God moves in mysterious ways, and his father is happy as long as Dan’s happy.’ Lisa paused.

  ‘And the brother?’ Sherry prompted.

  She bit her lip. ‘Dan said the same pretty much goes for Glenn, but I don’t know, Sherry, I get the feeling he might not be so accommodating and I guess you can’t blame him—look at how you and Ben acted when you thought I was really Linda.’

  Sherry didn’t intend to be so impartial or forgiving. If Glenn Brogan upset Lisa, she would make him regret it.

  She was strolling past the x-ray machines processing the hand luggage when she heard raised voices. Frowning, she drifted closer to the long tables where the Ministry of Agriculture and Fisheries officers examined any suspicious-looking luggage. Sherry’s steps faltered when she saw the man making all the noise.

  He was huge, at least six feet seven or eight, with the body of an athlete and the face of a movie star. Her expert gaze recognized his jeans and the long-sleeved teal-coloured shirt he wore over a black T-shirt as expensive designer labels, as were the heavy, black boots on his massive feet. His hair was coal-black and wavy, brushing the collar of his shirt. His face was all angles and planes, the jut of his cheekbones sharp, his brows an angry black slash above a straight, arrogant blade of a nose.