Oh hell, if he’s in line to be the next CEO, the White Queen will target him for sure. If I stay with her, maybe I can get her attention off Wilmar, convince her to go after another competitor.
“You should stop loving me. I’m no good for you.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I had a very, very bad childhood. I don’t come from a good family. I do things that I’m not proud of.” I wished I could tell him the truth about everything, but all I could do was dance around my ugly reality.
“Are you talking about your obsession with knives? You play with them all the time.”
“You noticed?” Damn, I let that slip. “I wouldn’t call it an obsession, but I’m afraid that I could hurt someone one day … and I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Scarlet, you love me. I know you wouldn’t hurt me.”
“I do love you, but … what if I lose control one day and accidentally hurt you? Or what if I fall out of love, or you do something that really angers me and I want to stab you in revenge?”
“Scarlet.” He held my chin and stared into my eyes. “You’re everything to me. If I ever do something that makes you want to stab me, then I’ll probably deserve it.” He pulled my chin toward him and kissed me. “And then I’ll stab you back.”
I instinctively slapped his face. He touched his cheek and looked to see if the driver was watching in the rearview mirror. I was relieved that the slap didn’t leave a mark.
“I was kidding. I’d never hurt you.” He leaned over and whispered in my ear. “Please save that stuff for the bedroom.”
“Conan …” I pulled back from him. “Would you still love me if I turned into a monster?”
“If that ever happens, I guess we’ll find out.” He chuckled and shook his head. “A monster, really? You have a strange imagination.”
“Not really. I could turn into a monster at any moment and destroy everything in my path.”
“Very funny. I don’t see any signs of a monster here. You have an overactive imagination and you’re being silly.”
“No, I’m not,” I said. “It may sound silly to you, but I’m serious.”
The chauffeur parked and opened the rear door. I took Conan’s hand as I got out of the car. I desperately wanted to tell him the truth about me, but I wasn’t even sure I knew the truth. Am I a half-truth or a half-lie? Am I real or unreal? Will he still love me if I tell him?
The packed restaurant had a lavish interior with enormous chandeliers that must’ve held hundreds of light bulbs. Between the chandeliers and the candles on the tables, the place was bathed in a golden glow. Murals of wild animals were painted on the walls, and a jazz band was playing soft music in front of beautiful stained glass windows that reached to the high ceiling.
The maître d’ took us to a window table that overlooked the East River. Brooklyn was twinkling across the water, and the headlights of all the cars crossing the bridges into Manhattan reminded me of fireflies.
“Bonsoir,” said a waiter dressed in a tuxedo. “Monsieur, are you ready to order?”
“Scarlet, do you mind having the set menu?” Conan asked as he clasped his long, slender fingers.
“Not at all.”
“We’ll take the four-course meal with oysters, lobster bisque, black cod, and dark chocolate gateau … and a bottle of your finest Cabernet Sauvignon.”
“Merci,” said the waiter as he took our menus. “I’ll be right back with the wine.”
“When was the last time you celebrated your birthday?” asked Conan.
“I don’t think I’ve ever celebrated my birthday.” The only birthday I even remembered was the night I watched the seconds tick toward midnight on my stolen watch. My birthday meal was the half-eaten cheeseburger I’d taken from a McDonald’s tray. It was the same night the White Queen rescued me. “I like to think that my mother celebrated my birthday with me before she left but I just don’t remember because I’ve blocked the memories.”
The waiter arrived with the wine and Conan told him just to pour it.
“That’s sad. But I’m very happy that we’re out tonight for your birthday … since it’s your first real birthday celebration. Here’s to a gorgeous young woman on her birthday.” Conan raised his glass and clinked it to mine.
“Thank you for celebrating my birthday with me.” I took a sip of wine and looked at the elegant Cartier Tank watch on my wrist that Conan gave me a few months ago. “I appreciate it.”
“I want you to celebrate more than your birthday.” Conan reached across the table and curled his fingers tightly around mine. “I want you to celebrate living, to experience the joy of being alive.”
“I don’t think I know what living is. I feel like life just takes me … and I flow with it.”
“Feeling joy and happiness is one way of knowing you’re alive.” He slid his fingers over my wrist. “Ms. Walters, I am happy to report that you have a pulse. I can confirm that you are in fact alive.”
“My heart may be beating,” I said, pulling away my hand, “but I feel dead inside.”
“Scarlet, you’re really not yourself tonight. What’s going on?”
“Nothing, I’m sorry. I’m just feeling a little under the weather.” I sighed.
The waiter arrived with our first course. A dozen oysters glistened on a bed of ice. They looked delicious, but somehow dull.
“Conan, I’m not normal. I don’t remember my birthdays and I don’t know why I’m here. I don’t think I really have much to live for.”
“Scarlet,” he said, taking my hand again. “You’re alive, you’re here, and you may as well be happy.”
“I don’t know what happiness means. How can I be happy?”
“I can’t tell you what is happiness, but I can do my best to make you happy.” He lifted his wine glass by the stem. “This is one way of experiencing happiness. Cheers.”
I reluctantly lifted my glass and drank to the toast. I hoped that the red wine would ease my pain and confusion, but it didn’t. Conan did make me happy, but our days were numbered. Being with him was like tasting a forbidden fruit. After the first bite, I was never the same again. A part of me wanted to throw myself into the experience of being in love with him, but another part of me wanted to hide from it, to keep myself safe from what would follow. I knew that once it was over I’d be left with the painful memories of what could’ve been … if only I wasn’t an agent.
“We better eat these.” He winked and slurped down an oyster.
“You’re right.” I didn’t want to ruin the whole night. I picked up an oyster and swallowed it down. The familiar aftertaste seemed to wake me up. “Ah, maybe being alive is like eating a raw, tangy oyster.” I guess eating makes me feel alive.
“You better eat more then. I don’t want you to slip back into whatever dark place the oyster dragged you out of,” said Conan, sliding the plate toward me.
As soon as we finished the oysters, the waiter delivered the next course. The thick, savory lobster bisque was served in small handmade bowls on pieces of black granite.
“Do you ever think about the future?” Conan asked.
“The future?”
“Yes. Our future … the two of us living together, spending our lives together.”
“It’s hard for me to imagine that”
“Why?” He frowned and wrinkles appeared on his forehead.
“I’m enjoying being with you, but I can’t think about the future.” I knew the White Queen would dispose of us if we tried to be together. “I can only see us now. Let’s enjoy this moment, shall we?”
“Yes, we’re celebrating your birthday and that’s all we have to think about tonight.” Conan took a drink of wine and his frown disappeared. “I don’t want to pressure you, but I do want our relationship to evolve.”
I picked up my wine glass and took a large sip. Then I plunged my soup spoon into my bisque and finished it without saying a word.
The house lights dimmed and the candl
es on the tables seemed to burn brighter. The waiter arrived with our main course as soft jazz gently played in the background.
The fresh cod was perfectly poached and delicious. The skin easily peeled away from the smooth, tender flesh under the careful guidance of my fish knife. If I’d eaten like this when I was homeless, maybe I wouldn’t have gone with the White Queen.
Conan lightened up as he ate and drank more wine. He joked about office politics and his new hires’ mistakes. It was fun bantering with him, and his sharpness and wit lifted my spirits.
The dark chocolate gateau was absolutely delicious, and mine had a single birthday candle. As I blew it out, I wished for something that could never be … a future with Conan.
* * *
As soon as we got to Conan’s apartment, I slipped out of my clothes and took a long shower.
He was working on his laptop when I came out of the bathroom in a red silk nightie. I stood behind him and slowly massaged his shoulders.
“You should come to bed,” I whispered in his ear.
“I will in a moment.” He turned around. “Wow, that’s some nightgown.”
“Do you like it?”
“I love it. It accentuates your curves.” One of his hands strayed from the keyboard to my waist and slid over my bottom.
“It’s time for bed.”
“I’ll be there in a minute,” he said, turning back around. “I just have a few things to finish up.”
“It’s my birthday and I can’t wait that long.” I turned his chair around. “Let me help you get comfortable.” I undid his silver tie and slid it out from under the collar of his dark-gray shirt, flinging it to the floor.
“Oh my.” Conan stood up.
“Buttons next.” I put my hands behind my back and unbuttoned his shirt with my teeth as I stared up into his eyes. When I was done, I kissed him on the lips and gently eased his shirt off his shoulders and down his arms.
“Oh boy,” he muttered as his erection pressed against my stomach.
Conan’s tongue invaded my mouth. He kissed me deeply as he pushed me into the bedroom.
“I need to unzip my pants,” he said, pulling away. “They’re getting too tight.”
“I was just about to do that for you.” I laughed as I unbuttoned his pants and carefully unzipped them halfway. “Better?”
“Much better.”
“Kiss me.”
Our tongues twisted and circled each other as hot rushes ran through my spine. I unzipped Conan’s pants the rest of the way. They dropped to the floor and he clumsily stepped out of them. He groped between my legs as I played with the growing erection trapped in his briefs.
“I think I’m addicted to you,” he said as he kissed me harder and harder, thrusting his tongue deep into my mouth.
I stepped back and looked in his eyes. “You sure are,” I said before sucking and nibbling his lips.
Conan moaned softly and threw me on the bed. His fingers caressed my curves, massaging and tickling every sensitive spot he could reach.
“You’re making me so wet.” I moaned.
“Good. I need to be inside you my Scarlet Queen.”
“Not just yet.” I rolled over and grabbed the strawberry lube from the nightstand. “I want to play with your hard cock.”
“Uh oh.”
I pulled his briefs off and threw them on the floor. His organ was fully erect and in desperate need of relief. I squirted a little bit of lube on him and began rubbing it around, alternating between the gentlest touch and a hard squeeze as my hand went up and down and over the tip.
“You are a … very bad … girl,” he said, panting.
“Not as bad as you are.” I lowered my mouth over his cock and sucked it a little as I teased the tip with my tongue. “I want you to watch me,” I said as I put a pillow behind his head. I sucked his cock hard, moving my head up and down as I squeezed his balls.
“Ah.” Conan groaned and his legs began to shake.
He was on the verge of coming and I couldn’t let that happen yet. I sat up and started playing with his nipples.
“Scarlet, you’re driving me crazy.”
“That’s the idea.” I bent forward and licked his lips, giving his cock one last squeeze. “Your turn.” I laid back on the warm bed and spread my long brown hair over the soft sheets.
“You’re going to get it,” he said as he spread my legs. His fingers got lost in my wetness, sending tingles of ecstasy through my nerves.
“Stop … wait … don’t make me come … please.”
“What?” He circled his fingers around my little girl and shoved them inside.
My pleas tuned into moans as I arched my back. “Condom … get a condom.” I had to surround his stiffness.
“Right.” Conan opened the nightstand and retrieved a packet. He tore it open with his teeth and rolled the condom over his throbbing organ.
He took me hard and fast as our bodies burned with an intense need that grew stronger with every thrust. We merged into one, clawing and biting as we each tried to consume the other. I wanted to melt into his intoxicating scent. I dug my nails into his back and clamped my teeth onto his shoulder, riding his cock as if my life depended on it until I quivered with pure, divine pleasure. Conan gave a sharp grunt and buckled, collapsing on top of me. We were panting as he rolled off me and his eyes disappeared behind his eyelids.
“Conan.” I turned toward him and snuggled against his arm. “I want to tell you something.”
“What do want to tell me?” He turned over to face me and played with a strand of my hair.
“I … want to tell you …” I hesitated, not knowing if I should break the spell and ruin the moment … ruin everything. Will he stop loving me if I tell him the truth? I clutched my fists to my eyes in confusion. STOP! You can’t afford to lose his love!
“Sweetheart, you can tell me anything. What is it?” Conan said as he took my hands away from my eyes and kissed my cheek.
“I … I … I love you … so much,” I spluttered.
He held me close and stroked my hair. I wrapped my arms and legs around him, wishing that every single inch of our flesh could touch. I wanted to feel his sensations, think his thoughts, breathe his breath. I was consumed by this beautiful man who would soon disappear from my life like a phantom. This man who taught me how to dance with him, how to kiss his beautiful lips, how to love … this heavenly creature might as well have been a figment of my imagination. This isn’t real. We can never be together. How will I live without him?
Conan drifted off to sleep, his head cradled in a pillow that looked like a puffy cloud. As I watched him sleep, I sighed with a mixture of pain and regret. I’ll join him in another world … maybe in heaven if God will allow a serial killer up there. I closed my eyes and prayed that our beautiful moments would last forever.
The Surprise
It was early morning, but the sun was barely visible in the distance through the haze. As I walked the narrow streets on my way to the subway, autumn leaves fell to the sidewalk, covering the city in dead hopes. I thought about my weekend with Conan. We were together just yesterday, and now I’m alone again.
I remembered lying hand in hand on the autumn leaves with Anna. She told me that she’d always be there for me, that we’d be best friends forever. Then she was gone.
Images of my mother walking away from me began racing through my mind. Her face was a blur as autumn leaves swirled around her. She collapsed in the field and I ran toward her until the ghostly hands of my stepfather pulled me back. I was overcome by the feeling that my mother was still alive … and looking for me too.
I bent over and touched my heel before I went down the subway stairs. The blade safely tucked inside reassured me.
* * *
I was delighted to see a dozen red roses on my desk. I picked up the vase and smelled the flowers.
“Scarlet,” Conan said from behind me. “I hope you like roses.”
“I like them very much.
” I blushed. “Thank you.”
“I have something for you.” He took a white envelope from his inside pocket and placed it on my desk.
“What’s this?” My stomach dropped. The envelope reminded me of instructions from the White Queen.
“Your birthday present. Today is the actual day, after all.”
“Yes, it is.” I opened the envelope and pulled out a picture. “Niagara Falls? It looks dreamy.”
“I’m glad you think so.” Conan smiled. “We’re leaving Thursday morning.”
“But …” I said.
“No buts. It’s your birthday present and you deserve a break.”
“But … why Canada?” Shit. Will my passport and ID work, or will I be caught? I can’t tell the White Queen I’m leaving the country with Conan, although I’m sure she’ll find out somehow.
“Niagara Falls is beautiful … and romantic,” said Conan. “It’ll be just the two of us with no interruptions and no distractions.”
“Can I let you know in a few days?”
“The reservations are made and I’m not taking no for an answer.”
“It does sound nice.” I looked down at the photo and touched the edges. “But I can’t say yes just yet. I think I have plans with my friend Mimi on Saturday night. She wants to take me out for my birthday.”
“You can cancel.” Conan kissed my forehead. “I’m sure she’ll understand. Tell her it’s a work thing. She won’t be able to argue with that.”
“I’ll try.” I did like the idea of leaving this dreadful place where I was forced to live a double life.
“Good.” Conan grinned and clapped his hands. “I’m off to meet the board. We’re meeting the Zhong Yuan executives next Monday afternoon and we have a lot of negotiating points to finalize.”
I picked up the envelope and slipped the picture inside. I was torn. I would trade anything to work a normal job, have a boyfriend … to live like a regular human being. The thought of going back to the White Queen—risking my life, killing her enemies, soiling my soul—was terrifying.
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