At the Broken Places

by Mary Collins

  But the support group really helped.

  At the time, it was all really stressful, but I think we’re probably better off for it [as a couple]. We’re back to the same place now. [My husband] would go to the support group, and no other men would go, so that really helped.

  It was all really hard at first, but when we saw the change and our new “son” became so outgoing and friendly, when we saw that it made a world of difference, well, there was no question at all that we did the right thing. I did not feel that way a few years ago, but my husband and I feel the same way about that now. It’s been a good thing, not easy, but a good thing.

  Response to C. Coming Out as T.

  T. came out to us together as a couple. He was eighteen. He had first said he was attracted to girls and brought his first girlfriend home, but then a year later he said he was trans. He came out to his counselor first before the family. He’d been involved in an LBGT group and was even mentoring some people.

  When we first found out, I was like “Oh my God, can you make your life any harder?” We were proud of him for helping others but also worried about his safety during transition. His name was published in the school newspaper and showed up online after he appeared in an assembly before the school. Once at a party, he was confronted by a group of male students. The students harassed him and wanted to know if he was male or female. He left the party and they followed him. Fortunately he got home okay.

  There were signs very early on. She wanted to be like her older brother and sometimes woke up and said, “I’m going to be a boy today!”

  I remember a PE coach telling me, “She’s so strong. I mean really strong. She should do professional weightlifting.”

  Now, my husband is tall, six foot two, and athletic, and the kids have always been athletic. She did look very much like a girl, but she went from lacrosse to track and was on track for just a few weeks and did shotput and discus and went to the states in discus the first time she tried it. She participated in swimming, soccer, basketball, volleyball, and field hockey also.

  In high school she still used her given name. She was very depressed her junior year, so we sent her to a counselor. She had no close friends because she didn’t feel she could open up to anyone her age. I thought she had body-image problems because she never felt comfortable in female clothing. The doctor said, “She’s not developing normally for puberty,” but added that it was nothing to worry about.

  Names and Pronouns

  He changed his name from C. to T. His [given] middle name was J., my mom’s, and she died, so I was really sad about that. My husband was actually angry about the name change, that T. had done it without talking to him. We accepted the name change after a few months, back in 2010, and [have] used the new name since.

  Once T. shifted the pronouns and his name, he was so happy, so we were like, “Okay, we have to be supportive.” He hadn’t been happy since puberty, so this was the first time in six years. I was sad about taking photos down at his request. I realized I could have a photographer take a new photo of the transitioned T. in a suit to add a photo to my display of my children’s graduation photos, and that helped me feel better.

  T.’s Depression

  [My husband and I] both talked about T.’s depression and were scared to death he’d kill himself in college. We did not want him in such a desperate situation, so our main goal—both of us—was to be supportive. We realized we had to be supportive. Right or wrong, we had to give T. that support.

  T.’s Decision to Have Surgery

  T. started thinking about surgery in his junior year [of college]. His talk about removing his breasts really freaked us out. We found a counselor down the street, so we went to see her. My husband and I both went. She was supporting T. She asked us, “So what’s the worst thing that could happen?”

  It would cost money. [Insurance did not cover it.] We agreed to loan T. the money, and he has to pay it back. I didn’t want to give the money and then if he came back later and was unhappy about it [the decision for surgery] and asked, “Why did you support that?”—well, I didn’t want to be responsible for that, so we decided we would tell him that he had to pay back the money. But my husband and I thought we would forgive the debt later, and we did.

  We went to an event in Philly, and people there were showing their scars from the surgery, and we actually felt better.

  So T. had chest surgery just prior to his senior year. He did it down in Florida because there was a doctor down there he wanted to use. I went to be with him. Actually a friend came with me, not my husband. It was fine. By then I was ready for it. I did feel he was old enough to make his own decisions, and I wanted to help him. The counselor kept saying, “It’s his decision to know his own gender.”

  T. has talked about doing more surgery but isn’t sure.

  Siblings Respond

  Our older daughter is in the theater and knew a lot of gay friends but not anyone trans. She questioned if [T.] was old enough to make these decisions. My [other] son is in a fraternity. He was afraid of being embarrassed at his wedding. He was engaged to be married and all of his friends knew T. as a girl. So he freaked out. But he had a great friend in high school who was like, “Don’t you want to hang onto your relationship with your sister?”

  He didn’t end up getting married, so we didn’t have to deal with all of it.

  Community Response

  The neighbors have been very supportive. One of them, who is not religious but a spiritual person, gave me a God Box. I write down a worry and put it in the box, and I let God handle it. This was a great help for me to let go of anxiety and cope.

  I was worried about my sister [a devout Christian], but she and her family have been very kind to T. She doesn’t understand his situation but accepts him.

  Biggest Fear

  My biggest fear is that T. will never find a partner, someone special to share his life with.

  Final Thoughts

  Parents need to stay open-minded with their child when they discuss transition. We kept wanting to slow down the process, but T. reminded us that he had been struggling for years with his identity. It was not a spur-of-the-moment decision for him. I reminded T. that it was new to us and he needed to be patient with us. We struggled to change the pronouns and name for a year, but T. was patient with us. Today, I see his old photo and it seems odd. I now see this happy, healthy son. Not that life is perfect, but our struggles are now typical parent/son relationship issues, like “Why did you buy a motorcycle?”

  WHEN TRANS TEENS ALSO HAVE MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES

  Roxane Orgill and her husband, Conrad, adopted two children, a girl and a boy, through a domestic agency. The older child, Charlotte, came out in her teens as transgender. She now goes by Charlie and presents as male. But, as Roxane makes clear in her interview, the family first had to wrestle with their child’s mental health issues and never even knew to look for or address the transgender issue.

  Research shows that transgender youth are more apt to struggle with mental health issues than the cisgender population, in particular anxiety and depression, though the percentage that is diagnosed as bipolar is not significantly higher than that in the cisgender population, according to recent studies. Roxane advises all parents to address mental health issues before transgender issues via therapy, medication, and whatever else is required.

  ROXANE

  Daughter Struggles with Mental Illness

  Charlotte was a tomboy but not excessively so. She liked knights and liked stuffed animals and was artistic. She started having some trouble in school, so we put her in a private progressive Christian school, which had tiny classes. But around eighth grade things started to get rough. She was throwing things, sharp pencils, and they didn’t want her there. She was always difficult to raise.

  We used a therapist to help, but we decided that the high school in town was not a good match. Instead we moved to the Bronx/Riverdale area in New York and had Charlotte go to a local school. I fi
gured it would be more diverse, more types of kids. Her old school had like 160 kids, and this school had like 700. But it was a really bad move. By December we had lost her.

  She was very defiant, doing drugs, and just doing poorly. At one point she took a large quantity of Melatonin, a sleep aid. It wasn’t really a suicide attempt; she was trying to calm herself down.

  At this point we moved her to therapeutic high schools—four schools in four years—and she was diagnosed as bipolar. These schools had treatment programs, each one a little less restrictive than the next.

  Making Decisions About Charlotte’s Care as a Couple

  We had several terrible decision-making moments, especially right after the pill [overdose] incident. [My husband, Conrad,] felt she should be home, but I said no. He thought it was cruel to send her away. I am a writer and work at home a lot, and I was the one who would have had to deal with her. That was inconceivable to me. I couldn’t handle it. I said, “You try it.” He said, “I can’t because I’m the primary breadwinner.”

  So all of the failings in our marriage came out.

  [Around the time Charlotte was twelve], I started going to a therapist who worked with the family through me. She met Charlotte—I think once—and Conrad came a few times. He felt so much better afterwards.

  The gender issue was still not in the open yet. Each time she graduated from a program, she would come home and we’d use the therapist as the middle piece, an anchor. [My husband and I] realized we could work through this as a couple.

  Charlotte Tells Her Family She Is Transgender

  At one point a therapist did talk about gender dystopia, . . . but the main diagnosis was bipolar disorder. [Charlotte] went on meds. We didn’t know what to do; she was so unmanageable. She was out of control.

  She did say, “I’m gay.”

  I just said that sexuality can be a really fluid thing, so I was supportive and not surprised. I didn’t care that much. I was mainly concerned with trying to keep her safe. We had no other gay person in the [extended] family.

  We were all home in the summer, and at dinner when Charlotte said she had something she couldn’t wait to tell us.

  “I am transgender. I want to live as a man.”

  She cried.

  My husband, the lawyer, was totally cool; [the brother] sat there wide-eyed. I was in shock. After all of this work and effort, now this.

  Now I see that for the [previous] three years, Charlotte had been wearing boxers, guy’s jeans, shirts—gradually shifting her clothing. That was the first big sign. We fought about it. [The boarding school had a dress code, so it sort of hid the progression from the family’s view.]

  But for me to go from the clothing and dressing like a boy and binding [her breasts] to being transgender was just a huge step, a huge leap. I mean, to be going on hormones . . . [She] had already found a doctor. Now I look back and I feel is it really no different, but at the time it was huge. I couldn’t even think about surgery.

  Charlie was very gentle with me. As a family we were in a good place to communicate about all of this; we were much further along because of all of the therapy. I did not feel she was acting out; this was not impulsive like in the past. So both me and my husband took this very seriously. It was a relief to [truly believe] this was not an impulsive act. I wanted it to go away but . . .

  For a few months I did hope she’d change her mind, but I had learned to be more flexible.

  Ongoing Mental Health Issues

  We were focused so strongly on getting [Charlotte] the right meds and therapy so she could go to school and eventually leave the therapeutic boarding schools—not to come home but to go to a normal boarding school. We tried a regular boarding school, but she only lasted three weeks. She started throwing things and terrifying students. They made us get her immediately.

  [Eventually] Charlotte graduated [from another school]. I really researched things and found a program in West Virginia that offers work and support for those still dealing with mental illness. I was trying to get her into a world where it would be possible for her to develop skills she needs to work independently. That [program] has been fantastic.

  Balancing Mental Health Care with Gender Transition

  Why couldn’t she wait until she was twenty-five or something? But no, she had made her mind up. You know, once they make up their mind to go through with the transition to get on the hormones, there’s no stopping it. But a doctor was required and a lot of blood work. She’s on lithium [for bipolar disorder]. What a combo.

  The program [she was in] still housed her with two girls; the guys were a rough bunch, but the girls were okay. But now she . . . he . . . has made further progress and is sharing a house with a guy. She . . . he . . . my Charlie . . . is in a program with a therapist, a psychiatrist, and life coach, and there’s huge support. [Charlie] doesn’t drive because of his focus issues, but [coming out as transgender] has had a calming effect on his moods. Not sure if it’s also just maturing.

  Both [challenges] have been tremendously difficult. I wanted a normal daughter. But at least with the bipolar it hit young, so we had some control because Charlotte was a minor and we could treat it. It became a project. As a couple we agreed to put all of our resources into it. Transgender . . . It’s not an illness. You’re in shock. You don’t “treat” it. If he’s of age and it’s his decision, well . . . but if [your child] is a minor, it’s not so easy.

  I spoke with a trans man who had therapy who told me his family had turned him out of their lives. “You don’t believe this now,” he said, “but you could have a whole new relationship with your child, an even better one.”

  That really gave me hope. We achieved our flexibility after all of this therapy, so I was open to it. That’s cool. I could see [the new relationship] happening.

  BUILDING TRUST AS A FACILITATOR: LIBBY MCKNIGHT

  In an effort to find subjects for my parent roundtable, I approached many organizations devoted to helping gay, bi, lesbian, queer, and transgender people. One facilitator in particular, from the Mid-Atlantic region, Libby, stood out as someone who had a knack for winning the trust of conflicted parents. Again and again, even though most of the parents who heard about my project through her did not want to have their story in At the Broken Places, they did credit Libby and her group with “saving them.”

  After speaking with her at length, I thought it was clear that her strongest attributes as a group facilitator were empathy and openness. She had gone through a huge change with her own husband, S., who had come out as transgender about eighteen years into their marriage. Libby had always known that her husband liked cross-dressing, but after he became involved with a cross-dressing theater group, it was clear that something much more profound was at work.

  “This is who I am,” he told her. “I feel that I am really a woman.”

  “I had had an experience with my best friend, who had been horribly abused as a very young child,” Libby recalled, “and he told me that he did not want to be touched. Of course when he said this, I wanted to hug him, but instead I stepped away. He was so relieved.

  “That was one of my first experiences with doing what someone else needed me to do, so I was able to tell my husband that I got it and I could accept that expressing his feminine side was truly who he was.”

  They’ve been married for thirty-two years. S. transitioned in 2002 and had sexual reassignment surgery in 2005.

  Libby joined a PFLAG Trans Families support group in Maryland within the first year after her husband began to transition. After going for a few years, and serving as a substitute facilitator, she noticed that a lot of the families and couples were coming from Virginia, so she launched a Northern Virginia chapter. She stepped easily into the facilitator role thanks to her training as a social worker and other courses in leadership. She also works as a professional sign-language interpreter and does quite a bit of volunteer work with PFLAG, her progressive Methodist Church, and Landmark Worldwide, an organization
that provides courses in personal realization.

  The entire time I spoke with her and heard others speak about her, I sensed that degrees and previous experience were just a small reason why Libby excelled at reaching conflicted parents. Unlike some of the other nonprofit support groups I’d been in contact with, in Libby’s, she made it clear that she wanted to support the family and not only the young person in transition. She feels, and models for the group, an acceptance of where each individual may be in the complicated process of understanding what’s going on.

  “I acknowledge that the parents need the group as much as the kids. That’s what our group is for!” she says. “Oh, yeah, I make it clear that we are here to support the whole family, and trans folks are welcome to come, but the focus is not on them; it is on the parents, spouses, and other family, and their experiences.

  “I have been a bit stubborn with PFLAG because I call my group a support group, while they call it a community group, but it means something to me to emphasize the word ‘support.’”

  I told her that the more “community” focused approach made me feel more like a person who did not have the right passport, because I questioned so many things. As I saw it, the community setup was meant to create a firewall of support for the people in transition. By underscoring support for all the participants in a family processing a son or daughter in transition, Libby was making a subtle but important adjustment in emphasis.

  Despite her popularity as a facilitator, she acknowledges that about half the parents who come to the group for the first time never come back.

  “I do worry that people don’t come back, because as facilitators we so respect trans people and it’s so important to express that, but many of the parents are simply not ready to hear all of this.”

  She pauses after reflecting on this and says, “Maybe I should send them an e-mail and just thank them for coming. I don’t do that, and maybe I should.”