What i Found In You

by Lillian Grey

  "Damn engineers..." I muttered.

  "Don't give me that. If it wasn't for us, all that artistic crap you architects draw would just fall down and... No, even then, someone might still call it art. I don't understand art," complained Sam as the plane touched down and we launched into a debate on function versus form.

  Over the next few days, news reports on what some clever reporter nicknamed ‘Night Children’s Movement’ would show up from time to time. Hospitals were readying for what they thought would be a rapid spread in HIV and AIDS, while city officials were trying to pass new laws to make the creation of Nightcaps a banned practice and impose fines on clubs and individuals who allowed the act to be done. As if those laws would affect underground raves where it was most popular. There had also been another death: a sixteen year old teenage boy who still had his fake ID on him. They still hadn’t found the girl he was with and despite reports calling it a disappearance, everyone knew she was most likely dead. Analysts were expecting there to be a decrease in the business for the nightclubs, but there was an increase in the amount of business local clubs were getting over the next two weeks, which shocked analysts. They were all stupid, you don’t wave a big red “do not push” button in the face of a child. It will make the child want to push it more; they were stirring up a frenzy that would soon explode.

  Sam only had three days at home after we got back from Hawaii before she had left again, this time to California for two weeks to see her brother. I hadn’t really left the house in a week as our other friends were busy with preparing for colleges all across the country. So when Eugene called, I agreed to go “hang out”, although I knew he just didn’t want to use the word date. Eugene Scott was blonde, blue eyed, and of a thick solid build with arms twice the size they should be. He was basically like every Joe out there, except this Joe was the big baseball star of the school. New York State even gave him a scholarship to play for them, that plus the fact that everyone in the school wanted to know him, had given him an ego larger than your average narcissist. Soon there wouldn’t be any space in his head for him to remember his own name. I had known him since my second day in middle school and he hasn’t left me alone since. Despite his shortcomings, he was a very good friend, his father had raised him to open doors for women since he could open doors, to always be polite to his elders, and to do the right thing. He just justified bullying the average new kid as the right thing because it puts them in their place in the school’s social structure.

  Eugene never understood that I never had any real interest in him outside of friendship, he has been trying to get me ever since our second day middle school. There have been a few girlfriends over the years, but they never lasted long, and several times I seriously considered dating him, but when we were alone and he didn't have the support of his friends, he wasn't the same Eugene. He showed up to my house and greeted my parents and 'surprised me' with tickets to some horrible romance he thought I would like or would set the best mood for him to make a move. About ten minutes into the movie, I became highly aware of his hand that would twitch toward mine. He always ended up taking a detour to the popcorn or candy between us, and this is what I meant. If the confidence he showed around his friends or on the baseball field was always there, it wouldn’t be such a hard decision to say yes to him. As he moved in for the fifth time and ended up taking a sip of soda, I sighed and leaned my head back. I had been out with other guys and this always happened, none of them had the courage to take my hand or just kiss me. When we were one on one, they had to be surrounded by the sounds of people at a party to sneak a kiss in the midst of the passion of a little swaying to the badly mixed music at a house party. As we sat watching this horrible movie, a record of my sad love life began to float around in my head. I welcomed it as I would do anything to block out this horrible Twilight movie.

  I never really had what you would call a boyfriend. I haven’t even had sex before, and I wasn’t one of those girl who swore they were saving themselves for marriage only to lose their virginity in some kid’s parent’s bedroom after she had a few shots and heard a few nice words from a jock in a Letterman jacket. Then I realized that the only thing even close to a romance I’ve ever had was five years ago when my parents forced me to go to 'camp'. It was really college prep for math and engineering nerds, which happened to be held by a lake with a few cabins. There was a boy there, Seith. I can’t even remember his last name. I do remember that he had caramel colored skin and short black hair; all the girls thought he was 'yummy'. The most striking feature he had was that one of his eye was a lighter shade of brown than the other and they never really seemed focused on anything that the rest of the world was focused on. He always sat in the back of the classes and never spoke unless asked to, and he aced every test with top scores in the class. I never got the impression that he was shy, more so that he knew he was better than everyone and his tests were proof. It might have been him who gave me the baseline for how I felt about my own intelligence.

  Every night, I would have to listen to my roommates complain about him ignoring them or whatever. I couldn’t blame him for ignoring them, I did the same for the most part. I watched him for three weeks and I slowly began to dislike him myself, but I didn’t know why. He hadn’t done anything wrong to me, he hadn’t even said a word to me. I received the highest score on a Physics test halfway through the two and a half month long camp. The room that usually gave a soft groan was silent and I could feel the eyes on me, but when the class resumed I couldn’t help but take a glance to see how Seith took it. He still had the same look on his face as if he hadn’t even heard the teacher's announcement. He looked to be more concerned with what was outside the window. The next day however, I found a note in my notebook: 'Meet me tonight at seven at the lab, we need to talk.' I knew it was him; was he serious, this isn’t a movie. I ignored his note and the next day in class, I glanced over at him again; there was no change in his attitude. It made me irrationally mad that he didn’t care. I found another note in my notebook: 'Meet me tonight.' I was pissed by now and at lunch I took a long path to the table where I usually sat and dropped his note on the ground next to him; our eyes met for a moment, but he just went back to his food and didn’t seem to care. Why did he piss me off so much? Again the next day there was a note: 'Please do not ignore this, lab at seven.' I had the room to myself that night; my roommates all had summer boyfriends by now and didn’t want me around, nor had I ever wished to be around them. I stared at the ceiling, an internal argument raging inside me. Finally, my anger beat rationality until it was bleeding and I left my room.

  I got to the physics lab and he was laying on a table in the middle of the room, staring at the ceiling tiles. The only light in the room was the moonlight that was coming from the windows on the far side of the room. He looked over when I entered and then went back to staring at the ceiling. I thought that I would turn and leave at that, but felt it would be better to slap him first. I walked over to where he lay and pushed him off of the table he was laying on, hard. He managed to hit the ground softly, landing on his hands.

  "What was that for?" he asked, calmly standing and rubbing his wrists. It was the first time I had ever heard him speak. I liked his voice, it wasn't too deep as his voice was probably still deepening, but it didn't cracked and was calm and steady, despite me having just hit him.

  "For you being an ass," I said angrily.

  "I’ve never even said anything to you."

  "Then what are these?" I asked, holding up two of the three notes he had written.

  "Sticky notes? I have no idea."

  "Then why are you in the physics lab at seven?”

  "I’m always here at this time, it’s the quietest place in the whole area. Anyway, why would I be writing notes to you?" That hurt me.

  "Because I did better than you on that test, you were mad that you were no longer the best."

  "You’re the only person in this entire place with half a brain and you think jealousy over
a test score no one will ever see except the shitty teachers here would drive me to arrange secret meetings? What would I do at this meeting? What have you been imagining I would tell you? A threat to dumb yourself and never do better than me again?"

  "I… Okay, if it wasn’t you, then who has been leaving these in my notebooks?"

  "By the looks of the hand writing, it should be one of those idiots you call a roommate; this handwriting isn’t mine. After all, they have the access and means to do so," he said, laying back down on the table.

  "Why would they do that?"

  "Because they are jealous." He sat up and swung his feet around to look at me. “Maybe I was wrong about you.”

  “Jealous of what?”

  “You having a brain? Me not responding to their overactive hormones? I don’t really know, but considering we’re currently under no supervision, we could get into a lot of trouble. I wouldn’t be surprised if there is a teacher on his/her way here now, tipped off by one of those idiots that we would be meeting here.”

  “What do we do now then?”

  “We? We, do nothing. You should go get new roommates; yours hate you nearly as much as you hate them. I’m going to another place where maybe it will be quiet again.”

  The door to the physics lab creaked and I turned to look, someone had just entered the building. Seith, however, turned and slowly walked to a window, opened it, and jumped out lightly, landing with barely a thud and leaving me alone in the room. I quickly followed him. I saw him slowly walking across the grass toward the dock by the lake and ran after him, catching him just as he reached the dock’s edge.

  “Now what do you want?” he asked, annoyed.

  “If I’m going to be caught out late, I’m not going to be alone.”

  “I’m not going to be able to do anything with you around,” he sighed. “Let’s go.” He turned, walking back down the dock toward the grass.

  “Go where?”

  “Back to your room, where else?” He walked in silence for a while until we got closer to the cabins. “Stay close and keep your head down,” he said when we saw the first teacher walking across the grass toward the student cabins. Suddenly, he ran from one tree to another and I barely managed to keep up. “I said stay close.” This time he took my hand, and I blushed at his soft touch. He pulled me with him. He didn’t let go until we got to my cabin and I had to pull the room key out of my pocket. "Oh sorry," he said, letting go. My roommates hadn’t gotten back yet. He followed me in, looking around the room. “I assume this bed is yours?” he said pointing mine out.

  “How did you know?” I asked.

  “It’s the least… shocking.” I looked at the other three beds in the room; they were covered in printouts of digital pictures they had taken with others at the camp and things from home. In contrast, my bed was less… shocking. He sat down on my bed and looked out the window, his head hanging upside down off the other side.

  “Wait, why are you still here?” I asked, realizing what just happened.

  “Does my presence bother you?” he asked, not looking at me.

  “Yes, it does.”

  “Should I apologize for being who I am? I am who I am; I’m not the one pretending to get along with people who annoy me. That’s what I don’t get about you. It has been bothering me,” he stated, annoyed, and it was like he was annoyed at the fact that he didn’t know something more than being annoyed at me.

  “I don’t pretend to do anything.”

  “Yes, you do,” he said sitting up. “You aren’t one of these stupid idiots who think they know anything just because they know that the number 360 and the word circle has some sort of relationship. I’ve watched you as much as you have watched me, that I know, Vanessa. So why, why pretend?” He spoke so fast that it sounded as if he was angry.

  “I don’t pretend to do anything, like I said.”

  “You’re in denial,” he said, throwing his hands into the air and falling back to look out the window again.

  It was silent for a moment. “What are you looking at?” I asked, moving beside him.

  “The stars, they give me a sense of perspective. No matter how big and bad I may be up close, once you take a few steps back, I’m no more than a tiny speck among a greater picture.”

  I laid down next to him on my bed and began to stare out the window. The cabin was silent and we stayed like that for about ten minutes. “I’m sorry,” I said, breaking the silence.

  “For?”

  “Pushing you off the table earlier; that was mean.”

  “It was already forgotten.” It was silent for another five minutes or so.

  “I don’t think what I’ve been doing was pretending. I feel that I'm unsure about everything; I don’t know what I’m supposed to be feeling right now. I was so cradled at home that being away has forced me into so many different situations all at once.”

  “Don’t be scared of the unknown.”

  “I’m not scared of the unknown. It’s more I’m scared of when I finally figure out what it is I didn’t know, will I have the power to overcome it?”

  “Who is the real Vanessa? I’ve been trying to figure that out.”

  “You wouldn’t like her much either; that’s an unknown you don’t want to explore.”

  “She must be: cynical, pessimistic, silent, and very hard to read. I’d bet very few will ever understand her, making it very hard for her to develop lasting relationships," he began. I looked at him, but he kept his eyes on the window. "And that she’s also: caring, loving, intelligent, and beautiful?" he finished. No one had ever called me beautiful but my father. "Yeah, I’d never want to get to know her.” No one had ever spoken to me like that before. I didn’t know how to respond. He started out highly sarcastic, but as he finished, the sincerity was overwhelming. We just lay there a few more moments, I hadn't noticed our hands were touching until he sat up and stood; I followed suit. “I should be going before they do cabin checks.”

  “Yeah.”

  I walked him to the door; he opened it, turned, and simply said “Goodnight” and walked into the darkness. I didn’t speak to Seith over the next few weeks, but I stopped pretending to like my roommates. They didn’t seem to mind as well because they never really liked me either. Seith still sat alone in the back and aced every test; it was like that night never happened.

  The closing ceremony and our last night in the camp came sooner than I had expected. The teachers handed out certificates that meant nothing and at a dinner that was much better than usual, everyone exchanged numbers and emails. I looked over at where Seith usually sat, but he was gone. I got up and slipped out of the dining hall. I headed to the physics lab but he wasn’t there, then the dock, and again, he wasn’t there. I didn’t know what I expected to say to him if I had found him. I was heading toward my cabin when I saw him sitting on the steps.

  “Hey,” was all I could think of to say.

  “I thought your roommates would get here before you,” he sounded concerned.

  “Have you been waiting for me?”

  “Not long.”

  “Why?”

  “I will probably never get a chance to do this again,” he said and he took a step toward me. He leaned in, taking my hand in his, and he kissed me. I didn’t know what to do; I had never kissed a boy before, but I knew that if I wanted to kiss anyone, it would have been this boy. The kiss lasted a long time and I naturally raised my arms to around his neck and his hands moved to my waist. When we finished, my heart was racing and he took my hand, raising it to his cheek. “I’m sorry for pretending. I pretended that I didn’t like you, it’s just that I’ve never done this before. It took me all this time to realize that I would rather have you here for a moment than never.”

  “I know the feeling…” We both smiled lightly.

  “I guess this is the last time I will ever see you.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Should I say bye?” he asked.

  “I rather you didn’t.”


  “Then good night, Vanessa,” he said, letting my hand go. I watched him disappear into the dark for a second time. I didn’t see him the next day when our parents came to pick us all up.

  No boy had ever spoken to me like Seith had after that. They all seemed to be too afraid to take that leap. It made me miss those few moments when Seith and I were together every time I went on a date like this.

  Lost in my reminiscence, I hadn’t notice that the movie was over until Eugene tapped me on the shoulder. It was still a little early so we walked in and out of the stores around Time Square. We passed a Victoria Secret and he went all red so I grabbed his arm and pulled him inside for about twenty minutes; he would turn cherry red and splutter as I asked his opinion on various objects I held up for him to see, even buying some of the smaller things I found. Occasionally, his eyes would dart to the little pink bag and he would turn red again.

  We ended up at a Burger King to complete the picture of the most classic date: a movie and a dinner, although I don't think Burger King is the best date dinner. Eugene went on about how we have to stay in contact as I stared out the window, remembering Seith and watching cars go by, not really paying attention to him. I became bored of this conversation fast and I was ready to go home. We got to the car and were heading home, then we got a flat tire. He was going on about some ball he hit at some batting cage when there was a loud bang and the car hobbled to a stop just as we were crossing under some subway tracks. Eugene looked a little shaken, his knuckles white on the steering wheel. He turned to me and asked if I was okay before he got out of the car to check on everything. He walked around back and I heard him shout.