by B. G. Thomas
“You haven’t changed a bit,” Cole said (and oh, how those words stung!). “I would have recognized you in a second. Even if I hadn’t already known you were back.”
“I wouldn’t have known you if you’d been wearing a name tag.”
“No shit,” Cole replied. “You didn’t. I’m not ‘Shrimper’ anymore. God, how I hated that name.”
“I understand,” Javier responded.
“You do?”
“I do. Believe me. They called me other names too. Like fatso.”
“But you weren’t fat,” Cole cried.
Javier looked at him. “Yes, I was.”
“I didn’t think so,” Cole said. “God, I was so hot for you.”
“You were?”
“Oh, hell yes. I used to fantasize about you so much.”
“Me?”
Cole growled back. “Yes, you.”
Javier blushed and was surprised at his reaction. When was the last time he had blushed? The Cretaceous? Cole hadn’t thought he was fat? He’d been hot for him? Cole said he hadn’t changed, did… did that mean Cole was still attracted to him? Was that even possible? Especially the way Cole looked now? He could have any man that he wanted.
Behind them a car blasted its horn, and Javier looked up to see the light had changed, and set the car back in motion.
Cole laughed. “Hell, JT, I can’t believe you didn’t know I was crazy about you. Everyone else knew I was crazy about you. They were ‘K-I-S-S-I-N-G’-ing me in high school! And all this time I thought you were rejecting me.”
Javier shook his head. “No, I guess I just couldn’t let myself see that either one of us was gay.”
Up ahead the church came into view, and Javier had to focus his attention on looking for a parking space. When they got out of the car, Javier was surprised that the night air was getting surprisingly and seasonably crisp. They were just starting up the church steps when Cole reached out and touched his shoulder. Javier turned.
“JT, would you want to go to a movie tomorrow?”
A movie? “Tomorrow’s Christmas,” Javier reminded him.
“So?” Cole said with a smirk.
Javier thought about it for a moment. “Sure,” he replied. “I guess.”
Cole’s grin widened. “Good. After dinner?”
It wasn’t until later that Javier thought of Mark. Funny that he hadn’t thought about him all day.
After mass, Cole left with his brother, and Javier drove his mama home. “Mama?” he said, realizing what the next day held. “Who’s all going to be at the house for Christmas?”
“Everybody that was here tonight. Plus your cousin Cecilia and her husband and their two kids, Dora and Elsa. And your cousin Amelio and his wife and their son, Ernesto.”
“How old are the kids?”
“Why?” she asked.
“I just want to know.”
His mama shrugged. “Dora is… uh… twelve, and Elsa’s eight. No. Seven. And Ernesto is six.”
A weird feeling came over Javier. When they got to the house, he finished unloading the car of all that he’d bought earlier that day.
When he laid all the items out in his room, the objects of his shopping spree before him, goose flesh rushed up his arms. There were just enough presents, plus one. They all (except that one) were a perfect selection for each member of the family who would be at the house for Christmas. But how? he wondered. Not knowing what he might need, he had just snatched up things here and there, keeping in mind only what would fit in his car. It was weird. He bought the presents blindly, with no knowledge of what he might need.
You really think that? came that now strangely familiar voice in his head.
More goose flesh.
And the final present.
A Land’s End winter jacket.
It’ll look perfect on Cole, don’t you think?
Jesus, it would.
Chapter Four
It was the best Christmas Javier remembered in forever. Later that night, while he lay in bed staring up at the cracked ceiling of his old room, he could only ponder as to why.
Don’t question it, came the voice that kept returning to him. It didn’t even surprise him this time. You feel good, don’t you?
Javier had to admit that he did.
Even with the horror of what had happened to him.
He did feel good.
The day had started with a bang.
The family started pouring in by eight in the morning, despite how late they’d all been up the night before. Javier’s mama and aunt made a huge breakfast, some of which they’d brought with them. The kids were dancing with excitement, but breakfast burritos, huge slabs of bacon, piles of linked sausages, and biscuits and gravy (and, oh God, how was he ever going to lose weight with meals like that?) were the last thing his nieces and nephews were interested in. They wanted to unwrap presents.
Oh, the memories that brought up. It was all Javier could do not to laugh. The family hadn’t allowed him and his sisters to open a single present until after breakfast, either. So now we subject another generation to such torture? Javier wondered with a chuckle.
Javier was in no rush, though. Once more, somehow, he found himself next to Cole. When their elbows would bump, he’d get the warmest feelings. The old Javier would have been on Cole in an instant. The man was gay, after all. But no. No. There was no way Javier would allow himself to do that. Not the way he looked now. He couldn’t bear the rejection. If only this hideous thing hadn’t happened to him.
But the way their eyes kept meeting! Was that a sparkle in Cole’s eyes? But how? And that knee under the table, the way it kept pressing against his.
Lupe kept shooting him funny looks as well, along with a strange Madonna-like smile.
Finally breakfast was done, and the kids swarmed to the tree and fell on the presents like locusts.
As it turned out, Javier became a star.
“Uncle Javier!” Elsa all but squealed. “An American Girl doll. Mom! Dad! It’s Josefina!”
“Javier,” said his cousin Cecilia. “You shouldn’t have! It’s too expensive.”
“Yes, he should!” Elsa sang, and she threw herself at her uncle, raining him with kisses. “She is just what I wanted!”
Javier couldn’t help but be pleased.
“How did you find her?” Cecilia asked. “I’ve looked and looked for that doll, but everywhere I went, they were sold out.”
Javier felt a tingle at the base of his neck and just shrugged, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.
The rest of the children were just as thrilled with their equally perfect gifts, like an Xbox for Dora (a tomboy if there ever was one), and equally graceful objections from his cousins. That was until they opened their presents.
“Mother of—” Lupe stopped herself but stared in wide-eyed wonder at her necklace. “It’s… it’s the one I wanted! How did you know?”
“Santa told me,” Javier said with a blush.
Santa? Santa! Again he gets the credit, came the voice. He couldn’t get dressed in the morning without me.
Huh? wondered Javier.
Then as each of his gifts were opened, they brought just as much awe to each recipient.
Until his mama, who refused to open hers. “I have my gift,” she said. “You.”
Javier’s eyes filled with tears once more. “Oh, Mama.”
She did finally open her gift, and was thrilled to find tickets to the Kansas City Symphony. They were Mark’s. Hell, he’ll be in Greece, why would he care?
“You remembered,” she said with joy.
“Yes, Mama. Your love of music. And Dad would never take you.”
“Will you go with me?” she asked.
“Isn’t there someone else you’d rather take?” he replied.
“No,” she said. “You would make my present complete.”
“Okay,” he whispered and smiled. He felt on top of the world.
The day moved on with games. H
e’d forgotten how much fun Scrabble could be. He and Cole even played Battleship (“You sunk my battleship!”) and Mouse Trap with the kids. They watched their favorite holiday DVDs, like A Charlie Brown Christmas and A Christmas Story.
Dinner finally arrived, with all the trappings. A turkey that Javier thought had to be as big as the prize goose from A Christmas Carol, with mashed potatoes and gravy, stuffing, green bean casserole, cranberry sauce, and more, not to forget at least half a dozen holiday pies.
Not the Christmas dinner he would have had with Mark. If they hadn’t spent the holiday in Vienna or Paris, dinner might have consisted (as it had last year) of something like rosemary encrusted rack of lamb, bacon-wrapped chestnut-stuffed dates, winter salad with pomegranate seeds and dressing, romaine hearts, a coconut Yule log with meringue mushrooms, and pumpkin tiramisu trifles.
Despite how Mark had taught him to appreciate such exotic tastes, somehow this dinner at home was better.
As Javier looked around the living room, which was smaller than Mark’s master bathroom (in fact, the whole house was smaller than Mark’s pool house), he couldn’t help but wonder why he had stayed away. Everything was so warm and full of love. These were people who barely knew him, hadn’t seen him since they were children, nephews and nieces who had never met him, aunts and uncles who had thought him dead.
Yet they had all showered him with love. Not one of them had rejected him for his weight or for being gay.
But the best part of the day had been his time with Cole.
They went to see the latest Chronicles Of Narnia movie, and in spite of terrible reviews, they’d both loved it. And this time Javier was sure Cole kept resting his knee against his. It made no sense to Javier, but he didn’t move his own.
“Coffee?” Cole asked as they headed toward the car. He pulled the collar of his new jacket up around his ears. (He looks good in it, doesn’t he?) The snow had stopped sometime before dinner, but now there were little flurries dancing in the air, like cottonwood seeds. It was beautiful. Some caught in Cole’s dirty-blond hair, and it was all Javier could do not to reach out and brush it away.
Why? Doesn’t he look pretty that way?
“Yes,” said Javier, and Cole, thinking Javier was talking to him, grinned.
“Good. I’m not ready for our evening to end.”
The shop wasn’t far, just across the street from the theater, in fact. Thank God it isn’t a Starbucks, thought Javier. The barista, a small guy with weird ears and a big Christmas cap, had been surprisingly cheerful for being there on a holiday and pointed out their selection written up on the wall. Javier was impressed. Almost everything came from a local roasterie. They even had a bean they roasted themselves, in the store, that day. Who would have thought they would not only be open on Christmas Day, but roasting coffee?
“I still can’t believe you’re here,” said Cole, after they had taken their seats. His eyes were sparkling again, and they somehow made Javier notice Cole’s eyebrows. They were much blonder than his hair. So blond they were almost yellow. Like sunshine. What’s wrong with me? Javier wondered, feeling his heart speed up. Damn, calm down, Javier. There is no way this gorgeous man is interested in you.
Silly boy. Didn’t Cole tell you he was hot for you in high school? Looking just like you do now.
But Cole was a shrimp back then, Javier told the voice. Now he’s a stud.
Really?
A stud?
Yes, he’s handsome, but you saw he had a bit of a tummy, right?
Javier had to admit he hadn’t noticed.
And look at those deep lines around his eyes.
Those gorgeous eyes, Javier corrected.
“I need some napkins. You need anything?”
Javier shook his head, and when Cole rose, he was surprised to see the man did have a little bit of a gut there. Yet instead of hurting the effect, it only seemed to make Cole more real. Human.
Cole was back in a second. “Look,” he said with glee. “The guy gave me gingerbread men to go with our coffees.” He held them up and then tipped their heads together. “I think they’re gay,” he whispered and grinned, revealing near-perfect teeth. Not perfect, but who cared?
Cole handed him one of the cookies, and when their fingertips touched, Javier felt a spark in—oh!—his belly.
“JT, it’s so wonderful being with you today,” Cole said, and bit off one of his cookie’s arms.
“You too,” said Javier, laying his own down. He’d had so much to eat.
“I can’t tell you how many times I thought of you through the years. Coming out, finally meeting guys, boyfriends coming and going, but none of them….” He shook his head.
“What?” Javier asked.
“Oh, nothing,” Cole replied. “So what finally brought you back?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you,” Javier answered.
“Try me.”
“No. I mean it. You’d think I was crazy.” Javier picked up his cookie and took a big bite. Never talk with your mouth full.
“I just can’t believe you’ve been in Kansas City all this time and I never bumped into you.”
“It’s a big city,” Javier said, a hand over his mouth.
“I guess. But still. Do you go to the bars at all? Pride? Anything?”
Javier nodded. “Sure.”
“Then how come…?”
Javier shrugged. “Who knows? Funny how two people can miss each other sometimes. Timing is everything.”
Cole’s smile wavered a second. “That’s true. That’s probably why I can’t seem to meet the right guy. I’m a nice man, you know? I work in a law office, so I make damned good money. I’m interested in lots of things. Hell, I open doors for people!”
Javier smiled. Cole had been opening doors for him all day. Car, theater, and even coffee shop doors.
“I thought the last guy I was seeing might be ‘the one’. So funny. And handsome. Dark, black hair, and eyes you could fall into. You know the kind?” He bit off the cookie’s other arm.
Javier nodded. He certainly did know about those kinds of eyes. Cole had them.
“And a hairy chest. A bear, you know? Alas, he was a cheater. I can forgive a man for having the hots for someone else, but not a cheater.”
“You like bears?” Javier asked, trying to bite back the surprise in his voice.
“I like people, JT. It’s the inside that counts.”
The inside? Javier thought. The warmth in his tummy spread outward. The inside. He used to believe that. When had he stopped?
“You okay, JT? You have a funny look on your face.”
“Javier. It’s Javier now.”
“Really?” Cole asked. “Good. JT always sounded so… boringly boy-band to me.”
“That was the point. I hated my name back then.”
“Why?”
Javier sighed. “It was so… Mexican.”
“What’s wrong with that?”
Javier shrugged. “I was ashamed of my heritage. Hated that I was Mexican.”
“But why?” Cole looked at him, surprised.
Javier shrugged again. “The stereotypes about Mexicans,” he said. “You know. Loud, screaming, drunk all the time. And since Mom was as white as Doris Day, I pretended I was too.”
“And that would be hard to do with a name like Javier.”
“Exactly.”
“I like your name,” Cole said.
“Thanks,” Javier said and blushed. What was this about? This blushing?
“So when did you change your mind?” Cole asked.
“About what?”
“Your name.”
“Oh, my… uh… a friend liked my real name better. He’s crazy about ethnic types. Since he liked it, and I wanted him to like me, I went with it.”
“Is this your boyfriend?” Cole asked quietly.
“I… uh….” Was he? Mark had assured him they were still together, but were they? Funny how he wasn’t anxious at all. Shouldn’t h
e feel all emotional about it? Feel something? He’d certainly been feeling a lot a few days ago. But now it seemed like a century had passed since then. Why wasn’t he upset? Why wasn’t he feeling something for the man he’d spent a decade with? Had he ever felt anything at all for Mark? Really? “I don’t know,” Javier answered.
“You don’t know?” Cole’s eyebrows furrowed together.
“He’s in Rome. I was supposed to go. The trip was for me. But he went without me.”
Cole sat back in his chair, his eyebrows raised. “Damn! Did you guys have a fight or something?”
“Or something,” Javier said and took a huge bite out of his gingerbread man, beheading him.
“Tell me.” Cole leaned forward, putting his elbows on the table.
Javier shook his head. How could he? Cole would think he was crazy.
The doctors did too, at first.
I had a picture to prove it, he told the voice, but it’s at home. At Mark’s.
“Is this part of that thing you said I wouldn’t believe?” Cole rested his chin in his hands.
“Yes.” Javier looked down at the table. There was no universal wisdom written on its surface this time.
“Try me. Please?”
Tell him.
He won’t believe.
Tell him.
I’ll tell him later. It’s too soon.
Too soon for what?
He could run away.
Better now than later. Isn’t it better to get this over with? You like this guy, Javier.
Like? Who said I liked him?
Javier could almost feel the voice roll its—her—eyes.
Oh, please. You’re crushing already. Tell him. Give him a chance. Trust him.
Javier took a gulp of his coffee. Looked away. Looked back. Geez. Could he? It was so insane.
Cole sighed. “I’m sorry, JT—Javier, I’m an ass. I don’t want to push you. I’m messing up our evening, aren’t I?”
Javier’s breath caught; his heart skipped. Cole was so sweet.
Tell him. Leap, baby. The net will appear.
And so Javier took a chance.
“Cole, do you believe in magic?”