by Lesley Jones
I just don’t understand, he asked me to marry him and then he does that; I feel broken, I need to leave here before I completely fall apart; before I really think any further than this, I'm off the sofa and back in the bedroom. I walk into the wardrobe, pull on some clothes, I throw a few more into a holdall, pack my toiletries and the rest of life’s essentials, I won’t be caught out this time like I was when I left Jason, this time I remember my hair dryer and straighteners and head back out to the family room without even looking at Gabe. I dial the automated taxi number I have stored in my phone and start to head down the stairs.
I suddenly have an idea and go back up and retrieve Gabe’s phone from where I threw it on the sofa. I open it up at the offending text and leave it on the bench top so when he unlocks his phone next, it will be the first thing he sees. I leave the house, go out of the gate and wait at the side of the road for my cab to come and pick me up. I have a key to Jo's. I know she won't mind if I use it, besides, I really have nowhere else I can go, once again, I’m homeless, alone and humiliated. I wrap my arms around myself, if I let go, I’m afraid I will just fall into lots of little pieces, right there on the path, on the side of the road.
Ten minutes later I'm standing at Jo's front door, surprisingly her car is there so I won't use my key. I knock, my friend opens the door with a glass of wine in her hand, she says nothing but seeing the look on my face she simply passes me the glass of wine and I drink the lot down, she takes the glass from me and silently steps aside so that I can come in.
I walk down the hallway and into the kitchen and drop my bag on the floor, Jo walks in behind me and without saying a word, holds her arms open, I walk straight into them and sob. I sob so hard that I no longer have the strength to stand up and instead drop to my knees and am almost choking on my tears. All the while Jo remains silent and just holds me and strokes my hair. My sobs eventually slow down and my breathing steadies.
“If you want to talk Darl – talk. If you don't, then don't, but as much as I'm your friend, I'm also a nosey bitch and would really like to know all the deets.”
My shoulders start to shake, I think from laughter, but I suppose it could just be a variation on my crying moves. Jo peels herself away from me and goes to the fridge, she takes a chilled glass from the freezer compartment and the wine from the fridge and heads back towards me. I lean my back against the kitchen cupboards and she sits down and joins me. Topping up my glass and filling hers.
“Spill. The deets, not the wine. What's gone on?”
I tell her everything, from Alyssa to events of the weekend, all the details of Jay’s assault, the new car, the proposal and then the texts and Gabe’s obvious betrayal. She heard most of it last night but I need to go over it so that I can try and get my head around it all.
“What was I thinking Jo? Why did I think for a second I would be enough for him, it was never going to work and now I've just made myself look sad and stupid?”
“I’m so sorry darl, I really am. I can’t believe the little shit could be so stupid.”
I'm no longer crying, I think I'm now actually feeling a little bit shocked and thoroughly betrayed. How could he, why ask me to marry him if he knew full well he was incapable of being faithful? This is actually hurting me more than Jay’s indiscretions. My stomach feels like it is being clenched in a vice and every time I loosen the grip a little bit of reality sinks into my brain, every time the hold on my tummy is released slightly it sends my insides churning and spiralling, causing the most awful sensations including the desire to vomit. I put my hand over my mouth and close my eyes. I don't know if I can survive this. I only left him half an hour ago but the physical pain it's causing me in my heart is already unbearable, I’m not sure if it’s hurt, anger, humiliation or separation that’s causing it, or just a combination, either way, each and every one of those emotions are what Gabe has caused and I know, for sure, that right now we need to be apart, he overwhelms me when we’re together, what I feel for him consumes me and I don’t see straight, I don’t see anything beyond him when we’re together.
Jo pours us another drink and we smoke a cigarette. This is a habit I need to stop. I've not smoked this much in over twenty five years!!!
We sit on the kitchen tiles and talk shit some more.
Until Jo says, “Well I love you dearly babe and there's a home here for as long as you need it, but my arse is numb, so can we please get up off this floor?”
I laugh as she stands and then pulls me up, just as my phone starts to ring, it's Gabe, my stomach instantly wants to empty its contents. I press decline, it rings again. I can feel Jo's eyes on me.
“You should talk to him Loz. Let him explain, you may have this all wrong. Whatever he may or may not have done. That boy loves you; it's obvious to anyone with a heart.”
We go and sit on the sofa as my phone continues playing Wild One. After the ninth ring I turn it to silent.
“I'm not ready to talk to him yet, I'll just cry. And I want to see his face when I ask him if it’s all true, if she blew him or if he fucked her or whatever it is they did.”
“Okay. It's up to you.”
Ten minutes later her front door is being banged off its hinges. I look up at Jo. I’m not really surprised. I had a feeling he would come looking for me. A tiny slither of hope that he would at least do that much.
“What am I telling him? For what it's worth, I think you should talk to him.”
I feel instantly sick again, but I know this has to be done.
“Can I talk to him in here or do you want me to take it out side?” I ask her.
“Fuck not outside, you’re not putting on a show for the neighbours and not for me. I'm going out and need to shower, that's why I'm home early. I'll let him in and leave you two to talk. Hear him out though yeah. I will be listening so I will know if you don’t.”
I smile and nod, hear him out? Right now I want to kill the fucker not listen to his voice, no I want to hear is voice and I want to want to kill him, but I don’t really, I want him to tell me that it’s not true, I want his arms around me, his lips on me, I want to smell him and taste him. I feel angry with myself, that despite everything, I’m still feeling all this and that I’m already missing him so much and I hate the fact that because he has called and he has now come here, once again, I am allowing myself to feel a tiny spark of hope and I really don’t want to be feeling that, I can’t allow myself to feel that.
Jo answers the door and my heart free falls to the bottom of my stomach. Landing in a million tiny pieces that float up and wrap around me as I hear his voice; that’s what he’s capable of, he can break me and put me back together in a split second and I hate that he has that power, that I’ve allowed him to have that kind of hold over me. If I ever stand a chance in this relationship, I need to stay strong and not leave with him now, I need him to at least think that he doesn’t hold all the power. The conversation at the front door goes quiet and I get that all too familiar tingle running from the top of my scalp down to the tips of my toes.
“Lauren?”
I have to close my eyes, it makes his voice more bearable if I can’t actually see him...I’m so week
“Lauren...please, we need to talk, baby please, will you look at me?”
“What do you want? I have nothing to say to you.”
I don’t dare look at him. The only place I want to be right now is in his arms. I want him to convince me I’ve got it all wrong, it’s a mistake, he loves me and wants me in exactly the way he has tried to convince me he does these past weeks, I want him inside me, saying and doing all of those things that make me feel so good, and I just know that if I meet those beautiful blue eyes with mine, I will crumble. I feel him move around the sofa, I keep staring at the carpet but he kneels down in front of me. I still don’t meet his eyes.
“Please look at me Lauren. I was drunk, I don’t really remember much, I walked in the bar and she was there with some mates. They left, she stayed. I know she wanted
to fuck. She kept asking, she kept trying to kiss me. I wanted you Lauren, just you, I wanted to get back home to you and touch you, smell you, but I needed a lift so she drove me home. I told her she couldn't come in, to book a taxi to pick her up from out the front. I told her I was coming home – to our home, to you. I love you, there is no one else, only you, there has never been any one else, only you. I fucking love you Lauren and I am so, so sorry for the way I behaved yesterday... Please, please will you just look at me?”
I don't know what it is that suddenly comes over me. Disappointment, anger, at myself and at him. Whatever it is, it comes over me like a wave and it’s as if I have no control over my actions. I look up at him without actually looking him in the eye and out of nowhere I feel my arm swing back and as my fist makes contact with his jaw I roar at him.
“Liar!”
Crack! I've punched him. I've punched him so hard he tilts backwards from where he’s kneeling and smacks his head on the side of the coffee table on his way down to the carpet. I let out a cry of pain and shake my hand. Shit, that hurt, I’ve never hit someone so hard.
“Fuck, fuck you Gabe, you broke my fucking hand!”
I squeeze it under my armpit to try and stop it throbbing. I notice he's not moving but before I can jump up to see if he's okay, Jo has joined us.
“What the fuck is going on? Loz. Shit Loz. What's happened?”
She looks from me to Gabe, who is now rubbing his chin.
“Fuck Lauren, fucking hell. She hit me Jo. Its fine, I'm fine.” He pushes himself up on his elbows and our eyes meet. He has the sexiest smile on his face and I almost melt.
“Fuck Lauren. That was so fucking hot, I love it when you get pissed off with me like that, fuck you can punch.” His hand is rubbing over his jaw and he continues to laugh. I’m in bits and he lays there and laughs.
“You're a sick, sado, pervi liar! That wasn’t meant to be hot, you nob, you broke my fucking hand and you broke my heart you lying arsewipe. I know what you did, I read the text messages.”
Jo is standing staring at us with her hair dripping wet and a towel wrapped around her. “Are you right in the head? You two really are made for each other. Lauren, play nice, Gabe, if I find out you fucked that blonde whorebag, I will deck you myself darl. Now the pair of you, sort your shit out please and don’t bleed or have sex on my carpet.”
And he winks… He winks and smiles at me when Jo says the word sex. The bang on the head has obviously wobbled something loose. He thinks he can make everything better with sex, if only life were that simple.
Jo turns and leaves us. I wipe my angry tears away with the back of my left hand and go into the kitchen and run my right hand under the cold tap. It's just a little swollen and doesn't hurt hardly at all now.
I feel him behind me, before I can speak, he says, “Lauren, let’s get some ice on that.”
I finally look up into his baby blues and yes it truly is as painful as I feared, but there is one thing I have learnt about myself these past weeks, I'm stronger than I ever imagined, and I call on everything I have to get the words needed out of my mouth.
“Don't you dare touch me; it will take a lot more than ice to put this right Gabe.”
“Stop being a martyr Lauren, that needs looking at, it must be painful.”
“Gabe. You know what, you're right; my hand hurt. But it's not hurting anywhere near as much as my heart is right now, you let me down. You, the person who has spent the past weeks convincing me to trust you, telling me you would protect me and these past days telling me how much you love me. When the first big test came, you were gone, you left me alone in a house, where just the night before, I was assaulted, you left me there on my own, you didn't tell me where you were going and you didn't find out during the rest of the day if I was okay. You went off without a second thought and did your own thing. Then you came home with another woman, covered in her lipstick and so fucking blind drunk that you couldn't even stand up. You let me down. So please don't touch me, please don't talk to me or show concern for me, it's too late, I would just like you to go, I will arrange to pick up my stuff over the next couple of days.”
I don’t mean it, I don’t want him to go anywhere but he has broken my heart and right now this is about survival, I need him to go so that I can get my head around it all, I need to find out the truth and I need. No – I want to make him suffer like I am and if that means I have to suffer a little bit more, then so be it, I’m a woman right? We have cutting our nose off to spite our face down to a fine art.
I turn and grab a tea towel and get a glass full of ice from the dispenser and tip it onto the tea towel and despite the pain I use both hands to tie the corners together and gently lay my homemade ice pack on top of my hand. All the while I can feel his eyes on me. I finally pluck up the courage to turn and face him, he looks terrible. But still totally hot and gorgeous and sexy. My heart melts just like the ice on my hand. Just a very little. He is staring at the floor, he has no shoes on and he is tracing an invisible pattern onto the tiles with his toes. He looks up at me and instantly takes my breath away, he has two days stubble on his jaw and I so want to run my tongue over it, right into that dimple on his chin. I blink a couple of times to try and clear that thought from my mind. He has dark circles under his eyes and he looks drained. Serves him bloody right. Hope he still has a hangover from hell. Hope he's suffering and continues to all day. Yeah, I'm a bitch... And???
“I'm so ashamed Lauren. I fucked up big time. I am so sorry, I love you and I want to make this right, what can I do, how do I make this better?”
“Tell me the truth Gabe, did you fuck her?”
He looks down at the floor and his hand comes up to his hair and he grips it. What’s left of my heart stops in my chest. The cold from the ice on my hand travels through my body, through my veins. I have to swallow down the cry of pain that wants to escape from my mouth and I think my legs are going to give way. He's going to say yes.
He brings his eyes back up to meet mine and says on a sob, “I don't know, I was so drunk I can't remember.”
He sobs and tears roll down his cheeks, my hand goes to my mouth as I let out the sound that I'm now not even sure is coming from me. He drops down onto his knees and grabs hold of my hips, pushing his face against the bottom of my tummy.
“I'm so sorry Lauren. I don't want to lie to you, please, I'm so sorry.”
I have to twist away from him as I lean over the sink and throw up. He stands and rubs my back and again I want him. I want his arms around me, I want all of this to go away, but for now, I just need him to go away.
I splash my face with water and rinse my mouth, I'm shaking badly, “Please go Gabe, leave now.”
“Lauren, no, please listen to me, no lies, no secrets. I don’t want to ever lie to you, I don't know what happened, maybe nothing, I don't know. I want us to always be honest with each other, that's why I'm telling you. I don't know what happened. I don't remember anything, I am so sorry and ashamed, don't do this, please.”
“Go... Just go Gabe.”
“No Lauren, no, don't fucking do this, please.”
I'm gripping the edge of the sink. Afraid to move too far away from it in case I vomit again and because my legs feel like jelly and it's helping to hold me up, but mostly because if I keep hold of the sink, I can't reach out to him. And that's all that I really want to do, he looks so sad, so desperate, I just want to make it better for him, tell him it's okay, I forgive him, I still love him. I want to wrap my arms and legs around him and breathe him in. I want to feel that stubble on my cheek, up the inside of my thigh, all the way to the tops of my legs, but I can’t do that, why would I? I’ve left a twenty five year marriage behind because of my husband’s bad behaviour, why on earth would I walk straight into a relationship with someone else that didn’t treat me right? Leaving Jay was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life and I would be fucked if I had gone through all of that to end up with someone that cheated on me at the first
sign of trouble, I deserve better. But I want him, ashamed as I am to admit it, I’m finding it harder to stay away from Gabe, after knowing him for just a few short weeks, than I have my husband, who I have known over half my life. I close my eyes and blank out these thoughts and feelings. As I open them, I'm aware of him pacing back and forth across the tiles.
“You said no Lauren, you rejected me, I didn't know how that felt. I've never.... No one, no woman has ever said no to me before, I panicked, and I thought I was going to lose you. I don't handle losing people well. I jumped into the car and drove up to Arthur's Seat and just looked out across the bay, I was trying to think of a way to show you, to prove to you, that you are my forever. I don't want you to ever doubt how much you mean to me, how much I love and need you. I can't get my head around all of this, it's so fucking weird to me and yet it feels absolutely right, so perfect, when we’re together, it all makes sense, I don’t know how to explain it. This isn't bullshit Lauren. I can't put into words how I feel about you, whatever I say, however many times I try to tell you, you never seem to believe me, I was trying to think of a way to get through to you, to make you realise. So that's when I thought of it, when I knew what I could do! I have a mate; he works out towards the city. So I went to see him and he told me to just draw how I felt. Put my feelings down on paper but as an Image. Not into words but as a picture – so I did.”
He pulls his T-shirt over his head and turns his back to me, revealing the most beautiful tattoo I have possibly ever seen. I'm lost for words as I study the image. It's still red and raised in parts, there is dried blood in some areas. Which would explain the blood on his T shirt yesterday. All of this reels through my mind as I study the image. It’s of the back of a naked woman; with long curly red hair hanging down past her shoulders she is being held in the arms of a man, you can only see his arms around her, the tops of his shoulders and his hair. His face is buried in her shoulder. His long untidy hair falling forwards. I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be me and him, but the part I can't take my arms from are the wings. Coming from behind the man’s shoulders are the most beautifully drawn inked realistic looking wings I have ever seen. Each feather is so finely detailed. It's breath taking. Across the top of his shoulders, above the image is some Arabic looking writing. I want to ask what it means, but I don't want to speak to him. The tattoo is truly magnificent, but does it make any difference? Does it change anything? I love him, he loves me, but I will never be treated badly by a man, or anyone else for that matter, again, so no, and nothing’s changed. Until I know for sure what went on with him and Alyssa, nothing has changed at all, I can’t allow it too, I didn’t leave one bad relationship to jump straight into another, I’m no longer prepared to put up and shut up and I still want him to leave.