by Lesley Jones
“Wow. That. Is. Beautiful!!!”
Jo is standing in the doorway looking at Gabe’s back. He turns and looks at me. Naked from the waist up and my eyes wander over his beautiful body. I just can’t stop myself, I’m a perv, and he’s gorgeous, so shoot me! He raises his eyebrows slightly and I swear I see his mouth twitch slightly at the corner. Did I just let out a little moan? Bastard, he knows the affect he has on me.
I feel his eyes burning into me as he says, “It's for Lauren. It's all for Lauren, to let her know exactly what she means to me.”
“Shit. Couldn't you have just sent her a card, a trip to a Hallmark store would have been less painful darl? What does the writing say? What language is it?”
“It's ancient Sanskrit. It says: Your Protector. My Saviour.”
I close my eyes. I think I might actually pass out. And I don't even know why.
“That's quite beautiful Gabe but think about just sending a card next time. I'm going out. I have a date.”
Without thinking twice about it, I say to Jo, “Show Gabe out as you go.”
There is absolute silence as they both stare at me. Gabe starts to shake his head.
“Please Lauren, don't do this, I love you, we need to talk.”
“I have nothing to say Gabe, please go, please just go and leave me alone. Jo, can you show him out.”
I jump as he roars at me, “Fuuuuuuck! What do I have to do? What can I say to prove to you what you mean to me? Fuck, fuck, fuck Lauren. You are doing my fucking head in! I tell you all the time how I feel, I tell you the best I can and I try and show you all the time. I fucking love, want, need you, like nothing I ever thought possible. Without you... There is... I am nothing, I can’t go back to that, not now that I know how it can be. We have to be together, you don’t want this, not really, I know you don’t, I fucked up I know that but we are bigger than all of this bullshit. But we need to be together to survive, we can’t be apart, we don’t work apart. Please listen to me, please tell me what I need to do to make this better, to make it right?”
It's my turn to roar now, “What can you do? What can you say Gabe? Well let me fucking see. What you can do is NOT go out and get fucking blind and come home with some blonde troll in tow. What you CAN say is: NO Lauren, I most definitely didn't fuck her… or anyone else! That's what you CAN do or say Gabe. That and only that. Now please get the fuck out and stay away from me please. Please. My heart just can't take anymore. Please just go.”
My voice falters on the very last plea, I don’t cry tears but my voice ends on a sob, I look across at Jo – pleadingly, but she's already worked out that I need him gone.
“Go Gabe, now please.”
“Jo.... No, please, we need to talk about this... Go out on your date, leave us here we'll be right.” I shake my head at Jo, I can’t be alone with him, I don’t trust myself. I will cave, I know I will.
“Please Gabe; I don't want any trouble. Just go.” Jo orders him calmly.
He looks at me; his eyes are glistening with tears. Both his hands are pulling at his own hair. He has no shirt on, just jeans and bare feet. I can see the muscles in his arms, chest and abs all clench and tighten as he pulls at his hair. And I fight with myself not to reach out to him.
“I love you Lauren. I would leave my daughter fatherless and die for you. Never forget that.” That kills me, if it were possible for my heart to break any more today than that just did it. He has tears on his cheeks and I know he is as broken as I am, he walks towards the door without saying another word. Jo follows him as I slowly sink to my knees.
Before I hit the floor I hear a smash and Jo shouting, and then calling my name. As I get outside, Gabe is punching the passenger window of his Ute. He punches again and again, until it finally smashes. He runs at the car door and kicks it with the flat of his bare feet. It caves in on impact. He can't reach the windscreen so he moves around to the driver’s door and punches that. It takes three attempts before it breaks and there is blood running down his arm from his knuckles.
“Gabe – what the fuck? Stop!” I scream at him.
He kicks the door and the tyres before turning and raising his arms and faces up to the sky, shouting:, “Fuuuuuuuuck!!!” At the top if his lungs.
He drops down to his knees and pulls at his own hair with both of his hands. I drop to the floor where I'm standing next to Jo in her doorway.
There's total silence except for the sound of all three of us sobbing. Eventually Jo puts her hand on my shoulder and says, “Go to him.”
I stand and look at her, shaking my head, “I can’t, I have nothing left to give him right now.”
“Jesus Lauren, you two are unbelievable.”
I walk back into the house and head for the shower in Jo's guest room. I need to wash the past few days events away and I need to sleep.
CHAPTER 4
I wake to the sound of laughter. I reach across the bed for Gabe. He must be up already, it's the only time I don't wake up with him wrapped around me. I smile just a little and squeeze my legs together as I get that usual ache down there, just from thinking about him, it takes me a few seconds before cold, harsh reality hits me and my heart breaks once again. I make a dash for the en suite toilet and hurl the very few contents of my stomach. How could he? I lean my back against the wall and pull my knees up. I'm back at Jo's, in her guest room, once again homeless, because Gabe let me down. It's still dark so it must only be a few hours since I last saw him. And I'm missing him so much I let out a sob just thinking about it. I sit on the toilet floor and cry and as I do I realise. It doesn't do anything to make me feel better at all, I’ve shed so many tears and none of them have made me feel any better, so I take some loo roll to wipe my nose and head back to bed. I check my phone. It's 11.20. It is only hours since I've seen him but it feels so much longer. I have a dozen missed calls from Zac, Cooper and Sam And a dozen more from Gabe, as well as text messages from all of them and Jemma. Jem’s is just a general 'How you doing? Don't forget we are going out Friday' message. Jo's is just to check up on me too, but also to let me know she has bought her date back and to ignore any strange sounds.
Sam's is to tell me she is at Gabe’s with Zac and the kids and Gabe is in bits. Zac’s is to tell me that he has spoken to Alyssa and she has told him that nothing happened between her and Gabe. The text was about a blow job she gave him last time they were together and Gabe had then refused to take her home and fuck her. She had apparently begged him for sex last night but he had refused and kept telling her that now there was only Lauren.
I have to read this through twice. Would she lie, to protect Gabe? Would she lie for him?
Even if he didn't do anything with her, does it change anything? He was so drunk he could have done anything and not given me a second thought. Although I am beyond happy that nothing happened. I think. Am I? I don’t know what to think any more, I miss him, badly, I’m a mess, I wonder how he’s doing, I wonder if he got his hand fixed up, I hope he didn’t need stitches. This is getting me nowhere.
Cooper leaves a voicemail and a text saying pretty much the same as Zac does but adds, “Please Lauren give him a chance. He is a good person and he truly loves you. I'm really worried about what he'll do if you two can't work this shit out.”
This starts my tears again. I wasn’t going to cry any more tears over this, I decided that just five minutes ago and here I am again, I am seriously getting on my own nerves now and get to wondering, if mother nature is so good at her job, why the fuck did she give us feelings and emotions, couldn’t she have just made us without them? It’s the one flaw in human beings, we feel, we feel far too much. I go back to the messages on my phone.
There is only one text from Gabe. It says:
Lauren, I am so sorry baby, this is killin me, the thought of what I have put you thru is just fuckin killin me. Plz can we talk, plz. I luv u beyond words. Never forget that, u r my saviour xxx
Underneath the message is a link. When I click on it, it take
s me to a YouTube video of Three Doors Down singing ‘Here Without You’.
My heart aches so badly, it’s like a constant throbbing an ache in my chest and throat; I curl up in a ball and cry myself back to sleep.
By the time I wake on Thursday Jo has already gone to work. I shower and wash my hair. When I look ready to face the world I call Jemma and fill her in on all the details of the past day’s events. Just like everyone else, she tells me I need to give him a chance. Why do I feel like the bad person here? I did nothing wrong. Okay, technically, neither did he, but he could have. This is all doing my head in. I ask Jemma to go over to Gabe’s to pick up my boots and a blouse or top of some sort so that I have something to wear tomorrow night.
“Loz really, can't you go yourself? It's a bit childish sending me.”
“But I don't have a car and I'm just not ready to see him yet Jem. If I see him, I will cave, I'm missing him so much I can barely breathe, I just can't face him, please Jem.”
I don't mean to sound whiney but I know that I do.
“Alright, alright, I'll go, I'll bring them round later when Max gets home.”
“Thanks babe, bring wine too, lots of wine.”
I feel better after I talk to Jem. And oddly I also feel jealous, Jemma is going to see his beautiful face sometime soon, she will look into the eyes that I am missing so much. I actually feel my jaw clench at that thought, she's my best friend and I love her dearly, but I could actually punch her right now! This is what he does to me. He fucks with my head so badly. I love him yes, but he did what he did and it's so early on into our relationship that I just don't know if I will be able to fully trust him. I don't think I ever have really, there are just too many women from his past still hanging around and then there are all of my own self esteem issues, my insecurities. We are doomed, doomed I say. I actually laugh at my melodramatic self. Oh fuck you Gabriel Fucking Wilde. What have you done to me???
I walk down to the shops in the village and buy what I need to make a seafood risotto and message Jemma and Lulu and tell them both to come over to Jo's for dinner tonight. I head back feeling a little better about things, but I have no idea why. Nothing has been resolved and I am as torn as I was last night before I found out nothing went on between Gabe and the blonde whorebag. Apparently.
I know exactly the moment Jem leaves Gabe’s because he calls me. Why is he bothering, he knows I won't answer. So then the text comes.
That fuckin hurt. Really? U couldn't come n pick up ur own stuff? U really don't want 2 c me do u??? Y do u need going out clothes? Where r u goin? I luv u Lauren, plz plz come home baby, my heart, my bones, everything I am hurts without u here.
There's another link. This time it's: ‘Lifehouse Whatever It Takes’ And it’s a video with the lyrics. I sit on the floor and watch it and listen to the words. I can barely swallow; the lump in my throat is now the size of the whole of Australia, what is that? What causes that lump I wonder?
I focus on making dinner and a few minutes later another text arrives from him.
Sry didnt mean 2 sound like a stalker. It's nothing 2 do wiv me where u go. I just wanna c u in those boots. The boots and nothing else. I luv u. And now I have a massive hard on thinking about u in those boots, plz come home Lauren I luv u and ur the only person who can cure my boner
There are two links attached to this one. The first is The Police ‘I'll be watching you’. The second link is ‘Horny’ by Mousse T.
I smile as my heart and other parts of me ache for him, for us but then my inner bitch takes over and I can't resist texting back.
Call the blonde slut I've heard she has the rite cure 4 u, I’m dun
To this I attach Destiny’s Child ‘Survivor’ And I make sure it’s a video with the lyrics, just to prove my point!
Harsh I know but hey. Fight with what you have right? I laugh when I read his reply:
Owww harsh baby. I luv and miss that sharp tongue. I want it on me, in me and over me. Plz come home I luv u xxx PS: Wear the boots, nothing but the boots
Attached is Nickelback ‘Far Away’
I slide down the kitchen cupboard onto the floor again, this seems to be my newfound spot in life for emotional melt downs, I want to cry and be angry with him, instead I’m sitting grinning at my phone like an idiot and I know in that moment, I’ve lost, my resolve has gone. I need to end this. We are both so miserable without each other. Surely that must mean something. I will go home Saturday. I will have my night out with the girls and go back to him on Saturday. It's not that I want to make him suffer. Well yeah, actually I do a bit. It’s more that I feel so inferior in this relationship, so how can I say, out of my depth, out of my league, like he has all the power.
I need to make a stand on this, otherwise he will think that he can do this type of thing again and I will always forgive him. Which I probably would. I've tried to stay away, only for a couple of days admittedly. But I can't, I don't want to, I love him beyond reason and that's the long and the short of it, I feel like I carry him with me now, permanently, forever; small pieces of him are in me, in my bloodstream and every now and then they reach my heart and it makes it do this thing, that nobody else in all of my years has, I know exactly the moment the little pieces of him reach my heart because it beats harder and faster, it’s almost painful but I love it, it makes me feel alive, happy and sad, broken and complete and whether we are together or not, he will always be there, bubbling through my system. I am head over heels for this man, boy, hot sex god. And I don't ever want to be apart from him, ever. I need a God or some other divine being that represents horny, middle aged women, to help me out here, I really do not stand a chance on my own!
Jo arrives home from work and we just have time to pour a wine when Jem and Lulu arrive. It's been a while since we have all been together and the noise we create whilst catching up is loud to say the least. We drink copious amounts of wine, eat our dinner and chat. It feels good to see them all, I feel – happy. Then the subject turns to Gabe and all eyes are on me.
“So” says Lu “What's happening then, on the Gabe front? Give me the deets. I know all about the other night. But what's gone on in between you moving in with him and moving out again. What's he like. Is he as good as they say?”
A hush falls over the table. I don't want to but the wine has relaxed me so I can't help but grin. Stupidly. Jemma nudges me.
“Think that smile says it all don't you?” I smile more and look from Jem to Lu.
“The sex is mind-blowingly fucking hot. He is soooo, uninhibited and encouraging. He makes me want to do things that I would never have considered before, but it's not just the sex, it's, I don't know, we fit, we work, I love him, I love him beyond reason, I thought Jason was my one great passion but this, this is like nothing I’ve ever felt before, I can’t actually think of the right words to describe what I feel for him and it’s actually fucking killing me not being with him.”
“So why are you here, why are you not with him?” Lu asks. Her big blue eyes are full of tears as she looks at me and reaches for my hand.
I swallow and take in a deep breath so that I can talk without crying. “Because, I feel like he holds all the power, I had to make a stand and make him realise that I won't put up with what he did the other night. Let’s face it, I'm batting way out of my league with him.”
There are Mumblings from around the table and I look at each of them shaking their heads.
“Oh come on... He's 35, hot as fuck, a sexual master in the sack, he has quite a few dollars to his name; he's single and could have any woman he wanted. Why is he with me? Why? Look at me, I'm almost 46. Basically middle aged, with massive issues, a loony tune ex who really should, quite possibly be sectioned. I own nothing; I have no money, no car. Nothing. We are hardly equal.”
Jo shakes her head at me. “I love you Loz, but I really could smack you between the eyes sometimes. You just don't see it do you?”
“See what, I don't follow?”
Jemma pi
pes up, “Loz, I saw him this arvo. His face when I told him I had come for some clothes for you. Lauren. I had to hold him he sobbed so hard. He loves you so much, he is hurting so badly, believe me, whatever your issues are, and they are your issues. He doesn't give a shit about your age or what money you have, he loves you. End of. All of your problems stem from listening to Jays bullshit. Well Gabe’s not Jay. He's nothing like Jay so you need to get your head around that, otherwise your past is going to cost you your future.”