by Lesley Jones
I swallow back my tears and feel that horrible lump stuck in my throat again, one day I will find out what that is, I will go to a doctor and demand an x-ray so that I can see what it’s made from! I almost choke as I try to gulp down my wine. Jemma reaches across and puts her hand on mine.
“We all love you chick and we want to see you happy. You are a beautiful, hot, sexy, mamma. Any man of any age would want you. You are funny, talented, kind and intelligent. Although, sometimes, also very stupid. You obviously love him. Okay, so he fucked up, but he didn’t actually do anything wrong, it was the blonde slut doing all the running, while he sat and got drunk and swore his undying love for you by all accounts. So fuck everything and everyone else and just be with him.”
It's no good trying to blink away the tears now. They are pouring down my cheeks and down the cheeks of all of us around the table.
“He truly loves you Loz. I've never seen him like this and neither have his family. Just go back to him and do what Jem says. Just love each other and see where it goes?” Jo looks me right in the eye as she speaks.
Lulu not to miss an opportunity to voice her opinion adds. “Yeah and all that sex, that hot sex and that body. Fuck. There's nothing I wouldn't let that man do to me. I'd even let Shannon watch. He's just so...”
“Lu...really, do you mind? This is my man you’re talking about. I don't want visions of you fucking him while your husband watches in my head thank you. I have enough real life events running through my mind as it is.”
“Sorry, sorry Lauren, but you need to know. If you don't want him. There's plenty out there that do, I mean, how many women our age get the chance to be with a man like that? Seriously.”
“Yes Lorraine. I'm well fucking aware of how lucky I am and more than aware of how many other women want him. I don't need to be adding you to the list of who I have to assassinate do I? Do I?”
She shrugs, “Well, if you don't go back to him. Who knows, I could be tempted.”
“Lu! I will kill you. Mark my words babe. At the very least you will be wheelchair bound for the rest of your days and fed through a tube.”
“Yes Lauren, we get it. Shut up Lu.”
Jo stands from the table, “Right. Enough wine ladies, we need to save ourselves for tomorrow night. We need to show Loza’s future in laws how to party. I'm going to bed. See you all tomorrow.”
She kisses us all and heads off to bed. Jem and Lulu say their goodbyes and leave. I tidy up and load the dishwasher. Delaying going to bed.
I eventually head off to my lonely, temporary room and pull on a pair of sleep shorts and a vest and climb into the cold, empty bed, putting on my glasses to check my phone as I do. Two text messages from Gabe. They both contain links. The first is The Style Council – ‘You’re The Best Thing’. The second is The Pretenders. ‘I go to sleep’. The song he sang in my ear the very first night we met. I have that song on my playlist, so I set it to repeat and think I finally nod off after about the fifth play. Happy and content with my decision to go back to Gabe on Saturday.
CHAPTER 5
I wake bright and early Friday and only partially stretch my arm and leg across the bed before I remember that he's not there. My heart does its usual plummet to my belly and my belly in turn backflips and sinks to my toes. I could make this so easy. I could put an end to our misery and just go back to him today. But I'm actually looking forward to tonight, especially as Sam and Stella are joining us. I miss him with every part of me and I am so fucking horny, I want him in me so badly but I refuse to go running back until I've had my girls night out.
I look around for my phone for some stimulation. I'm sure I have something sexy to read on my Kindle app that will help things along. I must have switched my music off sometime during the night as my phone is sitting on the bedside table with no sound coming from it. I reach out for it and notice I have twelve, yes TWELVE text messages from Gabe. I open the first.
I love you. I want you. I miss you. I need you back baby. I hate that ur not here in the nite or when I wake up. We only work together and I still think you should marry me, plz, marry me? x
The link is ‘I Won’t Give Up’ Jason Mraz.
The next says exactly the same, the link is Nomad ‘I Wanna Give You Devotion’.
And it goes on, the same message every time but with a different link:
John Lennon ‘Woman’;
Aretha Franklin ‘Until You Come Back To Me’;
The Fray ‘You Found Me’;
Aerosmith ‘Don’t Wanna Miss A thing’;
Florence And The Machine ‘You've Got The Love’;
The Kings Of Leon ‘Sex On Fire’;
Adele ‘Lovesong’;
Sinead O’Conner ‘Nothing Compares To You’;
David Guetta ‘When Love Takes Over’; and
Blue ‘Sorry Seems to Be The Hardest Word’.
Every link plays a video with the lyrics displayed, just to be sure that I get the message, and I do, he loves me and he’s sorry, I get it, but I’m still not going back till Saturday. If we are going to have any future together, I have to prove to myself that we are equal in this; I need this moment of power over him and if I’m totally honest about it, I am sort of enjoying it, what woman doesn’t liked to be wooed, there’s not enough wooing in this world, personally I think there should be an international day of wooing, say around September or October time, when there’s not a lot else going on.
I look at the timing of the messages. He has been sending them all night. From midnight to eight fifteen this morning.
I close my eyes and throw my phone on the bed, “Bloody man!”
I go and get in the shower so that I'm not tempted to call him. I call my spray tan lady and ask if she can squeeze me in sometime today. Deciding the only way to get through Friday without making that booty call will be to keep busy. It's already 9.15 and I can get my spray at 10.30. Perfect. I call the hairdressers in the village and book a wash and blow dry for later this arvo, Jemma is my usual hairdresser and does my hair for free but I have no car to get to her salon. I will draw some more money out of my emergency funds and enjoy a bit of pampering. Why not???
Vanessa, my mobile spray tan lady arrives bang on time, and after a quick catch up on both our worlds I get naked and browned. I sit around for the next couple of hours while my tan cooks. I catch up with some emails and read a bit of a book that I have read over five times already. And the passionate love story and the amazing sex being had in my e-book is doing nothing to strengthen my resolve about not calling Gabe and my only option in the end is to take another shower. I do my makeup carefully afterward so once my hair is done, I will be already to go. I feel great. Buoyant almost, as I walk down to the hairdressers. A few days of normality have done me good. Walking to the shops, buying groceries, getting my hair done. All nice normal everyday things that have been missing from my life of late.
I sit back and enjoy being pampered at the hair salon, it’s not where I usually go but without a mode of transport, I have no choice but to stay local and to be honest, I’m enjoying the anonymity, by the time the stylist is done, I feel relaxed and my hair is shining beautifully with big bouncy curls hanging below my shoulders, I love it.
Rather than walk back up the hill to Jo's, I message her and tell her to come and meet me at the little tapas bar above the shops we have been to a few times before once she's ready. I go ahead on my own and order a bottle of wine and sit and watch the world go by over the balcony. The shops below are busy with Friday evening shoppers and people grabbing a takeaway of some kind for their tea. Jo amazes me by arriving just a half hour after I message her. Looking gorgeous, Jo is a stunning looking woman, five feet eight, chestnut hair and big brown eyes. She has admitted to having a little work done over the past couple of years but you would never guess and I can’t help but smile as every head in the place turns and watches her as she walks to my table.
“Fuck Lauren! You look great, I'm glad I got my hair done at lunch tim
e. I would have felt like a right dag, turning up and you looking like a million dollars. Who's all this on behalf of babe?”
“Thanks Hun. Just for me. I needed a diversion today and getting pampered did the trick.”
I pour her a wine as we talk and clink glasses.
“Cheers chicky. Here's to all the hot mamma’s everywhere, you look ahhh maze balls.”
“Thank you. And thank you for being there for me again this week. Another week of drama in my world. I'm getting too old for all this shit Jo. I feel like my life is just one big fuck up at the moment. I was more sane and sensible at fifteen than I am now.”
I feel a little tearful as I speak Jo moves to speak but stops as she sees I haven’t finished.
“I'm gonna call Gabe tomorrow, I've tried Jo. But I'm just so miserable without him. I love him, I just can't help it.”
“Well thank fuck for that. I thought you would never come to your senses. Like I've said more than once lately. You love him, he loves you. That's where you start. Forget your pasts and concentrate on building a future together. Fuck everyone else, don't let other people ruin this chance both of you have been given. And Lauren, I really need to say this to you darl and I’m sorry if it’s not what you want to hear but I actually don’t care, it needs to be said. You really need to sort yourself out, I know what you went through with Jason was tough but it isn’t Gabe’s fault, I know you are bound to have trust issues and yes what he did the other night was stupid but did you really need to move out, could you not have just talked to him about it? You’re a grown woman and I think you have handled this pretty immaturely these past few days, running away to punish him when he fucks up isn’t the answer, if that’s what you are going to do every time he puts a foot wrong, then you will be spending more time apart than together. And I think Gabe will soon get sick of it, I’m not saying become a doormat and let him walk all over you, just stay and front things out when they’re not going right between you; stop with the tears and believe him when he tells you he loves you and that you are what he wants, stop expecting it to all go wrong, he’s made his choice and he’s chosen you, no one else, accept that, along with his love and his complements, stop behaving like an insecure schoolgirl and start living your life, with a man at your side who clearly loves you and would do anything for you.”
Jesus, where did all that come from?
I go to speak, to argue my case, but Jo shushes me, “Lauren, I don’t want to hear any arguments, just take on board what I’ve said and take this second chance at love that you’ve been given and live your life. End of sermon, cheers.”
We clink glasses again and both laugh as we wipe tears away from our eyes.
An hour later we walk into the bar where we are meeting the others, Sam and Stella are already there sitting at a large table in the corner. We grab another bottle of wine and join them. Sam gives me a hug and asks if I'm ok but Stella is a little off with me.
“We okay are we Stell?” I ask, like Jo has just told me, I'm too old for all this bullshit.
“He's in bits Lauren. I know you love him, I just don't understand why you can't work this out, he knows he did wrong, he's so sorry.”
She shrugs as she continues, “I just really hoped he had finally found somebody to love, to have a real relationship with, especially now, after finding out about all the shit that went on with Jackie, I just want him to have someone that loves him like he deserves.”
“He has, I'm going to call him tomorrow and ask to see him, we need to talk a few things through but I miss and love him too much to stay away.”
She looks up at the ceiling and lets out a long breath, “Thank you Lauren, thank you, sorry for putting it on you like this, but my hearts breaking for him right now, he wants you back so badly.”
“Right enough. Let’s not talk about Gabe and Lauren for the rest of the night please. I'm over it. Lauren has come for a girl’s night out. Not to have her love life discussed and dissected.”
Jo looks at me for approval as she speaks. So I nod in agreement. Shit. Fuck the wine, I need vodka. Now!
Jemma and Lu arrive shortly after and our group is complete. And as usual. Noisy. Everyone chats happily and the drinks flow, I smile and talk animatedly but the whole while I have this empty pit in the bottom of my stomach. I want to just go to him now, every time I see a flash of dirty blond hair my heart lurches and skips a bit. The way it used to in school, when you’re about fourteen and catch a glimpse of the boy you secretly fancy, I smile to myself at the memory. Ahhh first love, there's nothing quite like it. Funnily enough he cheated on me too, bastard, but I push that thought to the back of my head. Sort of.
I've already switched from wine to vodka when the rest of the girls decide to do the same and head for the bar. Sam, Jo and I head outside for a cigarette.
“What is this place? An old church?” Sam asks.
“Yeah, I always worry that I will be sent to hell for drinking in here”
“Jo…You are well on your way to hell, regardless of whether you drink, smoke or whatever in here.”
“Thanks Lauren, thanks a lot.”
We laugh as we recall some of Jo's sins. Most involving young men, whips and handcuffs. Sometimes more than one young man at the same time, oh and blindfolds have often been involved too she tells us. We laugh loudly as we turn to head back inside, when I hear someone say:
“Hi Lauren, how's it going?”
I turn and see Dean Moore. A boy that was good friends with Sonny right through school.
“Hi Dean, how are you?” I motion to the girls to go in and state that I will be in soon. Dean was always a nice boy and I don't want to be rude.
“So how is everyone, are your Mum and Dad good? I heard your sister got married.”
“Yeah, everyone's good, my sister is having a baby in January.” He smiles as he tells me his news.
Before I get a chance to reply, someone shouts from behind him, “Hey Deano... Who's the MILF?”
I look over his shoulder to see Jarrod. Another of Sonny’s school mates. Leering over at me. Jarrod obviously hasn't changed much. Spoilt rich kid. Son of a local estate agent, who had had everything handed to him on a plate growing up. And yet always seemed to be in trouble for something, fighting usually. I glare at him but he doesn't look away, instead he sticks out his tongue and wiggles it suggestively. So I flip him my middle finger and shake my head.
“My boys would fucking kill him if they see that. Little prick, he hasn't changed has he?”
“Sorry about that Lauren. He is a prick, he's not even out with us, we bumped into him in another bar and he just tagged along. He's too pissed to recognise who you are, otherwise he wouldn't dare. Sonny and Ryder can't stand him and he knows it and is shit scared of them”
“Well don't let him get you into any trouble. You know what he's like Dean. I'm gonna go back inside. You be good, say hello to your Mum and Dad for me.”
I give him a peck on the cheek and turn and head inside to the sound of Jarrod shouting, “Get in there. Give her one for me Deano.”
I really want to go back out and slap the little shit, but tonight is gonna be a night of no drama. As I head back to our table I can see we have been joined by four older blokes. None of whom I know. Jo, Stella and Jem are all lapping up the attention, while Lulu sits back and watches, I slide in beside Lu and we start chatting about this and that. Both deliberately avoiding the subject of Gabe. Sam returns from the bar with another drink for her and me.
“Who are this lot?” She asks.
“No idea, I think they just escaped from the local nursing home. You wanna stay here or go somewhere else?” I ask.
Stella, obviously already feeling the effects of the alcohol, must have heard me.
“I wanna dance; please can we go somewhere we can dance?”
One of the blokes she is talking to says something in her ear and she smiles, nods and in turn says something to Jo, who rolls her eyes, shakes her head and looks at me.
“Bloody hell, fifty, that old? Well I'm not her keeper Sam, she's thirty one, how can we stop her?”
“I'll phone Zac and tell him to come get us if she plays up. I knew this would happen. I don't care what she does any other night but tonight she's with me and I won't lie to her brothers if I have to go home without her”
“Okay, okay” Fucking hell.
I thought I was done with babysitting.
Jo moves around to where we sit saying, “These blokes have invited us all back to one of theirs for a party, he told Stella she can dance there.”
“Nup... Not gonna happen Jo, she's going nowhere with this four. If you wanna go, that's up to you but she stays with us.”
Jo looks at me and shakes her head, “I'm not going. I'm on a girl’s night out. Besides, they're too bloody old for me.”
We laugh and turn back towards Stella. Jemma has gone off to the ladies so now Stella has the attention of all four of the men.
Emboldened by the wine and vodka I have consumed I shout: “Oi! One Direction’s Granddads! Jog, she's going nowhere with any of you.”
Stella gives me an absolute evil. So I give one back, but she becomes distracted when one of the blokes asks for her number and they do the exchange.
“I don't believe that,” Sam says.
“If I had said that, we would still be arguing about it come Sunday, must be that funny accent of yours Lauren.”
Stella walks over to where we are sitting as the group of blokes leave, “One Directions Granddads. Really Lauren? They weren't that old. And anyway, I'm thirty one; I can do what I like.”