Resolution (Saviour)

by Lesley Jones

  “Lauren, baby open your eyes.”

  I try, I really try but it’s like I’m being dragged down a tunnel, a long, black tunnel, I don’t want to go, I want to go where it’s light and I can feel and smell, where I can hear that voice saying my name, but I can’t, I just can’t hold on and everything just slips and slides into blackness again.

  The alarm goes off and I lie still for a minute, I haven’t had an alarm that sounded like that for years, actually, I don’t think I have ever had an alarm that bleeped like that. Shit, is that the smoke alarm, fuck, where are the kids, where’s Jason? I open my eyes, wide, the room is far too bright and I squint, I sit up as the bleeping grows louder. God my head hurts, where the fuck am I and what the fuck am I wearing, I know I love my fluffy jarmies with cows and pigs on them but there is no effing way I would wear a nightie like this thing. I look around the room, oh my god, I’m in hospital. The bleeps are coming from the machines I’m hooked up to, why am here? Where’s…Fuck.

  “GABE!!!!” I scream as loud as I can but my throat is dry and scratchy, I get out of bed and I instantly hit the floor as my legs give way.

  I am in a complete and utter blind panic, all I can think to do is call his name, again and again. The door flies open and there are nurses everywhere, trying to sooth me, putting me back into bed, I am sobbing, beyond hysterical now

  “Gabe, where’s Gabe, what happened, why am I here, Let go of me, where is he?”

  I’m actually lashing out now as they try and hold me down.

  “Someone better tell me what the fuck is going on, nowwwww!”

  They shove a needle into the cannula in my arm and I can feel myself slipping away within about thirty seconds, not before I manage to smack a male nurse right under the jaw. Shit, who put my arm in a cast?

  I don’t know how long it is before I start to wake up again but this time I’m a little more calm, I know I’m in the hospital, I know my arm is in a cast, I just don’t know why, and where is Gabe, Oh God, where is Gabe? I can smell him and I close my eyes and dream of his hands on me and the sound of his voice. Something brushes my lips.

  “Lauren, its Gabe, it’s okay baby, open your eyes.”

  My eyes fly open as I realise I’m not dreaming, it’s really him, he’s really here.

  I lift my eyelids to meet his beautiful blue eyes, but instead I’m met but a very different pair of eyes, they’re Gabe’s but they are different – grey and bloodshot, he looks terrible.

  “Hey baby, you scared me there for a while.”

  He’s crying, why is he crying?

  All I can manage is “Gabe” and then I burst into tears.

  “What happened, why am I here? I was so scared, I think I hit the nurse, I’m so sorry, where were you?”

  He climbs up on the bed and holds me; I’m disconnected from all the machines now so he has easier access. I bury my face in his chest as he holds me tightly to him, one arm around my shoulders, the other stroking my hair.

  “What happened?” I look up at him, I can feel his body tense underneath me.

  His eyes dart between my eyes, my lips, all over my face, he pulls me in and kisses my hair. “Fuck Lauren, fuck,” now he’s crying hard and I’m so scared, I can’t remember, what happened.

  “Gabe please, you’re scaring me, what’s wrong, what happened? Please tell me.”

  I turn around as best I can with only one arm for leverage and in the end decide the only way I can see his face properly is to straddle him but the room spins as I try to move so I take my time. He’s crying softly as he finally looks up at me.

  “What do you remember about Saturday?”

  “Saturday, I don’t understand, I don’t…Saturday?”

  “We were up at the lake.”

  “Shit yeah Saturday, we were on the water, on the Jet Ski’s. Shit Gabe what happened?”

  I remember it all now, we were out on the water and going to head back in for a quickie while the house was still quiet. What day is it now then? Before I can ask a door opens and a nurse comes in.

  “Ahhh Lauren, good you’re awake and a lot calmer by the looks of things, let’s just take your blood pressure and then I’ll call the doctor to come and check you out.”

  I go to move off of Gabe but he holds me tight and shakes his head, I look from him to the nurse, mortified at my earlier behaviour and I need to apologies to the nurse, Andrea, it says on her badge.

  “I’m so sorry about earlier, I don’t know what happened, I just panicked, I feel really bad.”

  “No worries darl, you’ve been out of it for a couple of days, you were bound to be a bit confused” she says as she puts the cuff around my arm, totally ignoring the fact that Gabe is propped up on my pillows and I am straddling him, whilst wearing just a hospital gown and it would seem, nothing else. My belly rumbles, loudly. She raises her eyes to mine.

  “You hungry darl?” I shrug, am I?

  “I’ll organise you a sandwich and a cup of tea, okay?”

  She looks at Gabe, “And what about you handsome, is there anything I can get for you?”

  He looks up at her and it suddenly hits me how bad he looks, he has bags under his eyes at least three days stubble on his chin and his skin is a terrible shade of grey, no hint of his sexy sun tan.

  “I would love a coffee, thank you.”

  She starts for the door after telling me my blood pressure is a little high.

  “But then mine would be too if I was squeezing him between my legs” She declares as she leaves the room.

  He pulls me to him again, I can barely breathe but I don’t want him to let me go, because I have a really horrible feeling in my belly, “What happened Gabe, will you please just tell me?”

  “Charlie had a heart attack.”

  “What? When?” Shit, poor Charlie.

  “Out on the water, he was on the back of the Jet Ski with Jackie and he had a heart attack.”

  “What? Well what…”

  He breaks into a sob, “He’s dead Lauren, my Dad’s dead.”

  I lean away from him, needing to see his face so that I can try and make sense of what he’s saying. He pushes the heel of his hands into his eyes and then looks right at me.

  “He had a heart attack on the back of the Jet Ski and collapsed forward onto Jackie, she lost control and she smashed into you and Ava, you have been out cold for three days with a severe concussion and…and Ava is in an induced coma and Charlie’s dead and you wouldn’t wake up and I’ve been so fucking scared.”

  He is struggling to get his breath as he sobs so hard, I want to be strong for him but I am useless and crying almost as much as he is. My head is spinning and I know that I need to stop panicking and try to think straight but I just can’t, I have so many questions, so many thoughts running through my brain and I can’t seem to put them into any kind of order, I can’t seem to process what he’s telling me and form words to make a sentence, not one that makes any sense. I move my mouth, but I can’t make anything come out and I can’t seem to get enough air into my lungs.

  “Breathe Lauren, deep breaths, breathe.”

  Now it’s him trying to calm me. He holds me against him and I get my breathing rhythm to match his; as my breathing calms so do my thoughts.

  “Gabe where’s Ava, can I see her, what have they said? Oh Gabe I’m so sorry, I’m so, so sorry I wasn’t there for you.”

  I climb off of him.

  “Where is Ava Gabe? I want to see her.”

  I slide off the bed but everything spins as my feet touch the floor. I lean back and try to steady myself.

  “Get into bed Lauren, you shouldn’t be up, the doctor needs to see you, shit, I shouldn’t have told you yet, I should have waited.”

  He climbs off the bed and lifts me back onto it, I can’t believe he’s acting like this, why is he here, why isn’t he with Ava?

  “Gabe, we need to go to her, we shouldn’t be here, we need to be with Ava.”

  “Get back into bed Lauren, jus
t for once do as your fucking told and get back into bed. Ava’s not here, she’s at the Royal Children’s, you’re in the Alfred, I’ve been coming back and forth between the two, Nina is with Ava right now, that’s why I’m here, your nurse called and said you had woken up hysterical and that they had given you a light sedative, I rushed back here before you woke up again, I’m sorry I wasn’t here when you woke before.”

  He’s pulled a chair up to my bed while he was speaking and is now sitting beside me, holding my hand. He looks concerned and exhausted and I feel terrible for keeping him from his daughter’s sick bed.

  “You shouldn’t be here Gabe, go, go and be with your daughter, I’m fine.”

  “I’ll go as soon as the doctors been, Ryder’s on his way back and I’ve spoken to your Mum on the phone.”

  He kisses my hand.

  “Ryder’s been here, is he okay?”

  “Lauren, he’s fine, you’re the one we’ve all been worrying about, will you please stop worrying about everyone else.”

  “Have you been eating?”

  “What? No, yes, hospital food.”

  He stands and kisses my forehead, then my hand, then sits down again, he’s lost, he hates not being in control, not being able to put things right, this must be killing him; and Ava, shit, his baby girl, and on top of that, he’s lost his Dad, it’s all too much, what must he be going through? He squeezes my hand in both of his and kisses it again as a lone tear roles down his cheek, I lean forward and brush it away as the door opens and a doctor walks in, we both look up.

  “Lauren, George Anderson, glad to see you’re back with us,” He puts out his hand and I shake it.

  He has an entourage, what I assume are a couple of students and Andrea and another nurse.

  “Mr Wilde, I did as you asked and spoke to Doctor Tan at The Royal Children’s, the swelling on Ava’s brain is coming down, they are thinking of starting to bring her round in the next couple of days.”

  Our eyes are locked on each other’s and we both start to cry, he leans forward and buries his face in my lap, all I can do is run my fingers through his hair and try to sooth him.

  “Your blood pressure is giving us a little cause for concern Lauren, but considering the circumstances it’s hardly surprising. I want to get you down for another MRI scan just to be sure we haven’t missed anything, a couple of days of complete bed rest and as little stress as possible and if it’s come down, we can think about letting you home by the end of the week.”

  “But I need to see Ava, I can’t just…”

  Gabe looks up at me, before he can speak, the doctor does, “Impossible Lauren, your BP is bordering on dangerously high, until we rule out anything sinister, you need to sit still and do nothing. Now, you will go down for your scan in about half an hour, the last one was clear so I’m not too concerned, I just think it’s the shock of the accident and worry over Ava, I will be back later to discuss the results, in between time, sleep, read, watch TV, relax; Ava is in the best of hands.”

  All the while he’s been talking he has been shining a torch into my eyes and checking my blood pressure and despite all the distractions, I’m wholly aware of Gabe watching me. Everybody leaves and I meet his eyes and give him a little smile, running my hand over his head.

  “She’s going to be fine, just fine.”

  He nods but I don’t think he’s even aware of his actions. I run my palm and fingertips down his face and over his jaw. He looks absolutely drained and I feel so guilty.

  “Go home and take a shower and then go back to Ava.”

  He shakes his head. “We’ve rented a hotel room between the two hospitals, we’ve been using that, just for showers and some sleep; I haven’t been there yet but Coops dropped off some clothes, Jo and Jemma will be back soon with some bits for you, I called to tell them you were awake, Ryder has spoken to Sonny and Jason, your Mum will be here tomorrow and I think your sister is coming with her.”

  Jesus, I think I might just go back to sleep for another week and hide from all this attention.

  Andrea my nurse comes in, “Okay darl, doctor thinks it’s best if you have a little sedative before you go down for your scan, it can get a bit noisy inside those things and he doesn’t want you to be stressing and pushing your BP up any higher; it won’t knock you right out, just make you a little drowsy and light headed.”

  I swallow the tablet and actually look forward to its effects, every time I have a quiet moment to think, I can feel the panic start to rise in my chest, Charlie’s dead and Ava’s in a coma, it just doesn’t seem real. I don’t yet know all the details of the accident and I don’t think I want to for a while and drugs that partially knock me out seem a great alternative to reality right now.

  Gabe has his head in my lap again; he’s holding my right hand with both of his; I run my hand through his hair, “Gabe, this sedative is gonna kick in soon, you may as well leave now, I’ll be useless in about ten minutes.”

  He looks up at me with exhausted, bloodshot eyes and shakes his head, “I’ll walk down with you and then I’ll leave but I’ll be back later.”

  Despite the sedative not being strong, I remember very little after that; Gabe walked down with me to wherever it is they took me for the scan and I just remember feeling an overwhelming sense of loss as he let go of my hand and I lost sight of him, I think I might have actually cried.

  CHAPTER 14

  I’m getting used to this sensation now and know not to panic as I come round from the sedative they gave me before the scan. I have no idea how long I’ve been out but Gabe is back, he has hold of my left hand and is running his thumb over my fingers where the cast ends, I keep my eyes closed, enjoying the sensation for a few more seconds; As I slowly open them and focus, my stomach flips, it’s not Gabe, its Jason, he’s staring fixedly at where my wedding ring used to sit and rubbing the pad of his thumb over the now bare flesh of that finger. There are still indentations there, after wearing a ring in that spot for twenty five years they will take a long time to disappear, if ever and oddly, I don’t mind that, I don’t mind the reminder.

  I watch him intently as he hasn’t realised I’m awake. There’s a bit more grey around his ear and the sides of his dark hair than I remember, he has stubble on his square jaw but then he always does, it’s one of the things I loved about him, his nose is long and straight, he’s looking down so I can’t see his brown eyes, just the long lashes that fan out across his cheeks, he turned fifty earlier this year but could still pass for forty no problem, he’s always kept himself in shape and I watch as the muscle in his forearm moves as he strokes across my finger. He has on a short sleeved white t shirt and my eyes roam up to the muscles at the top of his arm, then across to the chest hair sticking out of the top of the v neck. He looks like he’s lost some weight. In that moment I realise, that as happy as I am with Gabe and despite the fact that I am totally and utterly in love with him and never, ever want to be without him, given the choice, I would still have preferred my marriage to have worked out, I would have preferred that the man sitting in front of me now didn’t have such a bad temper and had not taken his issues out on me, I used to believe in marriage, when I took my vows, I meant every word of them and had stuck to them for twenty five years, I feel like a failure at not lasting forever but I am pretty sure the guilt for that lies more with the man sitting in front of me right now. Does all of this make me a bad person, wishing that my marriage had worked out, when I am now so totally and utterly in love with Gabe? The way I see it, if things had been good between Jay and me, then Gabe and I would never have met, so neither of us would be any the wiser about the others existence. What I do know though, what I can say with 100% clarity is that now I have Gabe, now that we have found each other, I never want to be without him and in that moment it suddenly dawns on me, that perhaps yes, I do want to give marriage another try, with him, with Gabriel.

  My lips and mouth are dry and my voice sounds raspy as I whisper “Jason.”

  Hi
s brown eyes come up to meet mine, reminding me instantly of how much I miss Sonny, he is the absolute image of his Dad; I swallow down a sob.

  “Little ‘Ren, I’m so glad you’re okay.”

  I let out a deep sigh, no one other than Jason has ever called me that; most people shorten my name to Loz or Loza and Jay did that too but occasionally and always when writing in cards, he would always call me ‘Little ‘Ren’or just Ren.

  “What are you doing here Jay?”

  “I had to come Lauren, I had to come and make sure you were okay, I couldn’t stay away.”

  He kisses across my knuckles.

  “You took your wedding ring off.”

  “Yes I did, I no longer consider myself married.”

  I look then and notice he’s still wearing his and I feel nothing, absolutely nothing, I don’t feel sad, or happy, or triumphant. He nods, slowly and looks at me a small smile pulls at the corner of his mouth.

  “I still love you Lauren, I still love you and I still care, I am so sorry for everything, If I could change it all, I would in a heartbeat, I still fucking love you so much and I just can’t believe I behaved so badly, I just didn’t realise how much my behaviour affected you and I just want you to know how sorry I am and if there’s any chance of us sorting this mess out, then I will do anything, anything you want so that you will come back to me”

  “Don’t Jay, don’t come here and say these things to me now, after everything that you have done, everything that you have put me through.”

  “Nobody’s perfect Lauren, we all make mistakes, I bet even your new bloke isn’t perfect.”

  “No Jay, he’s far from perfect but he won’t be apologising on a monthly or weekly basis for making the same mistake for the next twenty five years, we weren’t even married the first time you grabbed me by the hair, do you remember? We were at a party and I didn’t want to go home so you grabbed my hair and dragged me out, you were so sorry, you begged me to forgive you the next day and swore to me it would never happen again and it didn’t, that’s why I was happy to marry you when your parents insisted after I got pregnant, I loved you beyond reason and was sure that you would love and protect me and our new baby, then just two months after the wedding you smacked my head against the wall after I got back late from a day out shopping and your dinner wasn’t ready, do you remember that? I was four months pregnant and you smashed my head into a wall, then you sent me flowers the next day, because you were so sorry.”