Then she turned to me and said loudly, “It’s like they saw those ads to help starving kids in Africa and they mistook them for a trendy new diet. They heard ‘for the price of just a cup of coffee a day’ and thought that was the meal plan.”
I started giggling in spite of myself. So did a lot of other people in our vicinity. I couldn’t help but turn to look and saw Cheryl fuming while Janice and Lisa scowled and sneered.
“They’ll take that as a compliment!” I said to Margie.
“Yeah, well they shouldn’t. They look scary.”
We finished eating in peace after that, but I was worried that Margie’s rejoinder had only served to fan the flames. Oh, not that it mattered, I supposed. It was the first official signal from Cheryl that we were enemies now and that she would persecute me for my perceived trespasses against her.
“You’re not upset or worried, are you?” Margie asked as we got back to our room. “You know she only made herself look like a tool? I made myself look like a tool as well, but that’s alright because I don’t care.”
“I know – and thanks for that, by the way. But is that how it’s going to be from now on? Am I going to be verbally harassed like that forever now?” I wondered. “You’re not going to be there every time to stick up for me.”
“Then you have to learn to stick up for yourself. Don’t take her shit. Call her on it. Watch her crumble,” Margie advised me.
I sighed long and low.
“No, I have to make it up with her somehow. We can’t be fighting every time we see each other, and I don’t want to be all nervous and worried every time I want to take a shower, or in English class, or when I go to eat. It’s ridiculous,” I reasoned.
“Well, you can try,” Margie said skeptically, “but knowing her I don’t think it’ll do you any good.”
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Margie’s boyfriend showed up and I had the room to myself. I waited for a few moments after the door had clicked shut behind her and then I called upon Stefano.
“Stefano?” I said softly. “Stefano? Are you anywhere near?”
There was no response. I sighed and flopped back on my bed and hugged one of my pillows very tightly. I wouldn’t blame him if he had found some other girl who could see him and who actually had time to spend with him.
And then, without me even realizing it at first, he materialized into the same space as the pillow. I was aware that I was suddenly feeling rather warm and content and when I opened my eyes it was like I was holding Stefano in my arms. The pillow provided mass and his energy provided warmth and I could squeeze my arms around him as if he were an actual physical entity.
“Oh my god, I’ve missed you!” I whispered as I rolled over and pulled him on top of me.
“My beauty,” he said. “I was beginning to wonder if I’d ever see you again.
“It feels like it’s been ages. Almost an entire week!” I murmured. “Too long! Let’s never go that long again.”
“Ah, but these things aren’t up to us, are they?” he winked at me.
“I went to the garden the other day after school. I was hoping if I was alone there you might come,” I told him.
“And I almost did,” he admitted, “but then I saw your male friend and I withdrew.”
“No!” I gasped. “I was lying on our bench hoping you’d find me! When he showed up I left! I didn’t want to be alone with him in the garden!”
“I know, amore, I know,” he cooed.
“Do you know also that I’ve been learning to ride?” I smiled at him.
He stopped still and looked at me in amazement. “You have? My darling, that’s wonderful!”
“I haven’t actually mounted the horse yet, but this girl Andrea has been teaching me how to saddle and bridle – I think she’s going to let me go for a ride next week. Oh I love it so much! I’ve never really been around horses that much, but I’ve always wanted to be, and now I see that it’s everything I imagined! They’re such incredible creatures! They have an elegance like nothing else!”
My wide eyed look of wonderment made him smile til he laughed.
“Do you have any idea how beautiful you look right now? I used to think you were so divine in your suffering, your sorrow, but to see you talk with such rapture about something…it’s like I had never known beauty until this moment!” he said as he ran his index finger down my cheek. “And there is that beautiful blush! I die! I die!” he said dramatically as he put his hand over his heart.
We both looked at each other without stating the obvious, and then we both broke into giddy giggles at the same time.
“Ah!” I sighed, “Aside from horses, everything else to do with school is so horribly mundane. I wish I could spend every minute with you. On horseback!”
“I would love to take you to my country and we could ride together along the beach. There is nothing in the world like it. The surf is crashing onto the shore, the gulls are crying overheard, you can smell the salty tang of the ocean and the breeze fills your lungs with the freshest of air…it’s so bracing and invigorating. You’d love it,” he said as he stroked my hair.
“I would. That sounds like the best thing in the world,” I said, but then I corrected myself. “Second best next to lying here with you.”
We lay there in each other arms with the moonlight pouring in through the window. I could hear faraway voices outside, kids reveling in the night air. Otherwise all was still and quiet and I wanted to stay like that forever.
Then Stefano sighed heavily and I could tell he had something weighing on him.
“What is it?” I asked quietly.
He remained silent for some time before he finally spoke.
“I do adore you so much, my love. I was having a little dream of how I’d like to marry you and we could live in a little cottage out in the country and have a few horses…I was imagining we could have a family…”
I squirmed uncomfortably. I don’t think he realized that I was far too young to be thinking of “having a family.” I supposed that back in his day I was the perfect age for it, but right here and now in my lifetime I was still considered a child.
“But then I remembered that I can not bring forth anything I could ever dream for you. None of it. I cannot even enjoy a meal with you or a glass of wine. And then I realized that this is my fate for all eternity; that I could not even take my own life if I desired to. I’m trapped in this nether world forever.”
He was sitting upright and had his head in his hands. I didn’t know what to say. Everything he said was true and there was nothing that I could do or say that could remedy it.
“Why?’ I asked very timidly.
“Why? Why what?” He was vexed at my stupid question.
“Why did you become a ghost? A spirit? Why do some people continue on, but you were trapped?” I expanded my question.
“I don’t know. They don’t provide any written instructions. There is no one to ask. It’s like I’m trapped in the particles of the air,” he frowned. “For all these decades I have felt that I cheated death! I still existed on Earth! I have felt like I was immortal. Who doesn’t wish for immortality?” he asked me, his eyes burning holes into mine. “I thought I was somehow lucky, to be preserved for all eternity at my physical prime! I have all my hair, my flesh appears firm, my skin is smooth…who wouldn’t envy me? But now – just now – I see that it is a curse. I cannot partake of life, I cannot taste, I cannot smell, I cannot savor food or even hold the girl I love in my arms. I cannot experience the terrific thunder of hooves pounding the sand as the sea crashes into shore, I cannot marry you, I cannot produce offspring. I am impotent in every possible way. It is like I am dead, but I am aware that I am dead. That’s exactly the case! I’m not immortal, I’m dead! Dead to everything! And there is no escape!” he had risen and was raving now, pacing back and forth in my little room. “There is no escape from it!”
He was making me tear up a little. It hurt me to see him so distressed.
He saw the tears glistening in my eyes and he stopped and came to me.
“Oh, my darling, my love, I am so sorry. I have made you cry,” he said as he put his hands on my shoulders, “Forgive me.
“Of course I forgive you! I’m only sorry that there’s nothing I can say or do for you!” I cried. “I know that I love you dearly, I love you as my own soul. We two are intertwined somehow, and I wish we could exist in the same realm, as well! But if we can’t, then I still love you and want you and need you and I’ll be satisfied with us as we are.”
He bowed his head in defeat. I hated to see it.
“Look,” I decided to try to bring some levity to the situation, “Maybe you can’t smell the roses or feel the breeze on your face, but you also can’t smell devilled eggs or feel so cold in the winter that you worry your ears might turn blue and fall off! You can never get a sunburn, you don’t have to worry about going to the dentist, you don’t have to have a job or pay taxes…actually I think there might be more pros than cons to your predicament!”
He looked up at me with a sad smile.
“I’m sorry. All those things I just said were stupid.” I bit my lip and looked down at my feet.
“No, my love. I see the intent behind your words, and you mean to cheer me,” he said generously.
“I just know how deeply I love you and need you and want you regardless of…” I struggled to find the right words, “regardless of the limitations. And perhaps that’s selfish of me, but that’s how I feel.”
He sighed and took me in his arms.
“I’m sorry to burden you with this. Who knew a spirit could experience existential angst?” he said half-jokingly.
I looked up at him and smiled cautiously.
“Ah! Your eyes are so beautiful! The depth of them….they appear black, but they change in the light. There is gold and bronze and amber in there – they are like that quartz that changes color….is it possible that I grieve all the things I lack when still I have the ability to lose myself in these irids of yours?” He was gripping me about the shoulders and staring so intently at me that it nearly took my breath away.
“Forgive me. Forgive me for my selfishness. For a moment I thought on only what I lack and I quite forgot what riches I am blessed with. There exists no finer treasure in the universe than what I gaze upon right now.” And if he hadn’t have stopped my mouth with a kiss at that moment, I would have told him that he was wrong. For it was I who was gazing upon the finest treasure in the world: two perfect, translucent emeralds set in purest alabaster.
“Just lie with me now,” I whispered as I pulled him down with me. “We’ll just hold each other and not talk and not think and just enjoy the feeling.”
We lay back together, all tangled up in the bedding and in each other’s limbs. I stroked his head and wondered if he could even feel me doing it.
It had been late already when Stefano arrived, and I had forgotten how tired the early mornings down at the stables made me. I fell asleep relatively quickly, and although I was sorry to have missed out on being held in his warmth, I drifted off into sweet dreams of him in which he was full flesh and blood.
CHAPTER 22
I awoke the next morning early again. Not quite as early: since it was Saturday and there were no classes to go to Andrea had told me to meet her at eight. I was thrilled, because today was the day she was actually going to let me mount Athena and ride her!
I arrived at the stables and was surprised to find a few other girls there. I had gotten used to the solitude of the early mornings and had taken it for granted that it would always be like that. I had gotten there before Andrea, as I usually did, and some of the other girls were looking at me strangely, wondering what I was doing there. I felt self-conscious and decided not to pay any of them any attention. I went straight to Athena’s stall to say good morning to her and pat her on the nose.
“Hey girl,” I cooed to her, “are you going to let me ride you this morning? I hope so. I brought some nice apples and carrots for you.”
“Oh, she understands what those words mean!” Andrea surprised me from behind. “Maybe give her a carrot now, so she doesn’t think you’re teasing her!”
I went into my bag and brought out some baby carrots in a little container that I had taken from the salad bar in the dining hall the night before.
Andrea gave a small laugh. “She likes apples better. That’s why she’s sniffing around your bag like that!”
We got Athena tacked up and then Andrea led her outside to a little platform.
“Since it’s your first time, it’ll be easier if you stand on this,” she explained.
I got up on the platform and put my left foot in the stirrup and then threw my other leg over Athena’s back. I was on a horse! I patted Athena’s neck and I’m sure I must have been grinning like an idiot.
“Are you alright? Do you feel comfortable? We’re about the same height, so the stirrups should be okay. If they’re not I can adjust them for you,” Andrea said.
“No – they’re great! Everything’s great! This is amazing!” I exclaimed.
“Okay, I’m going to lead Athena over to the woods. Hold tight to the reins and if you need her to stop for some reason, give a good, sharp tug on them.”
Andrea guided Athena along the path behind the stables that led to the woods. It took me a few seconds to get used to the momentum of the great body beneath me, but I quickly fell into rhythm with her and it felt completely natural. I was in heaven! We walked along the trail through the woods in tranquil silence. I wasn’t just observing nature: on Athena’s back I was part of it. The trees were alive with birdsong, and the steady rhythm of horse hooves on the tightly packed soil beneath, punctuated with the occasional snort from Athena were the best, most soothing sounds I could imagine. At one point, I looked down and realized that Andrea had let go of the bridle: I was really riding by myself! Even if we were only walking at a leisurely pace, I was still in command of this magnificent creature! But no, I wasn’t, actually. I was no more in command of her than she was of me. We were working in tandem with each other, we were at one with each other and it was exhilarating.
After some time, Andrea broke the silence.
“Alright, see if you can turn her around now.”
I pulled a bit on the left rein and willed us both to make the turn. I really think that the rein was a formality – she sensed my intention to turn around through the muscles of my legs and she agreed to do it. I was amazed.
Andrea reacted to the look on my face. “Damn, girl! I think you’ve got horses in your blood as well!” she laughed.
I was delighted that she thought so. “Really? I don’t know. I’ve always loved them – they’re so elegant. I used to try to draw them all the time, but I can’t draw,” I said sheepishly.
She gave me a peculiar look. “Why didn’t you ever have your own? Are from like, New York City or something?”
It was then that the divide between me and everybody else at this school really cemented itself in my mind. Andrea had grown up in privilege and assumed that everyone else in the world had, too. Or at least everyone else at this school. I hesitated, not quite knowing how to answer. I actually liked her and I had hoped that we might form a real, substantial friendship, so I didn’t want to lie. On the other hand, my experiences with Cheryl et al had made me embarrassed of my background. On the other other hand, it hadn’t bothered Chad at all, so I shouldn’t go around assuming that everyone would be as shallow and materialistic as Cheryl.
“No. I’m originally from the Pacific Northwest. Washington State. But I don’t come from money. My family could never have afforded a horse,” I stated.
“Oh, you’re on scholarship?” she asked with interest.
“No. My family came into money suddenly,” I said and I prayed she would leave it at that and not question me further.
Thank goodness Andrea was a quiet girl who preferred to talk about horses to the exclusion of everything else and we c
ontinued our walk back to the stables in silence.
“You did well. You’re really comfortable on her,” she said as I dismounted. “Maybe I’ll talk to one of the girls and see if I can take her horse out next time. Then you can ride Athena and I can take another horse who doesn’t get out as often. We can work up to a trot if you think you’re okay with that.”
“Yes, yes! I’d love that! Thank you!”
“Okay. Well, I’m going to take her out now for a proper ride now. See you tomorrow?” she asked.
“Oh, tomorrow I have a study date. Well not really a date, but a meeting. To study. Anyway, is that okay if I don’t come until Monday?”
“Yeah, sure,” she shrugged. “See you then!” And she swung herself up onto Athena’s back and they trotted away into the woods together leaving me to muck out the stall.
As I was finishing up, I realized I had forgotten to give Athena the apple I had brought for her. I left it on the narrow ledge inside her stall and hoped that she would know it was a little offering from me.
When I returned to my room I hemmed and hawed about what I should do about Cheryl. Trying to establish peace seemed like the only way, and although my knees were practically knocking together I managed to get myself down to the end of the hallway to knock on her door.
When it finally flung back it was Lisa standing there.
“Hey, Lisa,” I tried to sound as if nothing had ever been wrong between us. “Is Cheryl in there?”
“What do YOU want?” I heard her voice call out and then she appeared standing defiantly behind Lisa.
“I want to talk to you. This is silly. I haven’t done anything to you. To either of you,” I said.
“You lied to my face!” Cheryl sneered at me.
“I did lie. You’re right. But it was because I knew you’d freak out, and I also knew that you had nothing to freak out about,” I said honestly.
“You made Chad drive you home when you knew I was waiting to meet him in the bar,” she seethed.
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