His broke this kiss but his smile widened. “Good night Kenzie.”
“Good night Matt.” I slipped in the door, my heart pounding.
chapter eighteen
Back when I was just starting high school and realizing how good I was in math and science, I decided to take a psychology course. I had already decided to become a medical doctor, but I figured psychologists had to go through med school too. After spending all those years on a medical degree, what if I realized I couldn’t handle being a doctor but still wanted to do something with my degree? Or maybe I just found it interesting. Anyway, we had a segment of a chapter, not even a full one, about the development of the mind. To sum it up, it basically said the same thing adults always tell kids and teenagers when they want to do something and can’t understand why their parents keep saying no. People up into their late teens and even early 20’s are still developing the part of their brain that helps them make wise decisions and realize the consequences of their actions. That’s why teenagers do stupid things like drive too fast and get into really bad wrecks; it’s hard for them to realize how dangerous and stupid it is. Of course we know that if you speed there could be awful consequences. But it’s hard for us to realize in the moment that what they’re doing is stupid. I remember the words impulse control somewhere in there too.
I hadn’t gotten into a car wreck or anything of that magnitude. But I had done something pretty dumb. I had kissed my ex-boyfriend’s brother.
I knew Gage wouldn’t be happy. He barely talked to me at that point, and I was sure he wouldn’t talk to me anymore if he found out about this. When he found out, because I couldn’t just lie to him about this. I guess that’s one of the things that made me a bad Immortal: I’m terrible at pretending to be someone I’m not. I guess four years of high school wasn’t enough practice.
And I couldn’t help thinking about Jacey. Matt was her boyfriend for a time, and she still clearly had feelings for him. What would she think? I had done one stupid thing and potentially lost communications with two people. Three, probably; there was no way Matt would want to talk to me after what I had to say. All this time spent convincing myself I was better than that, that I was a cut above the rest of The Immortals because I was a good person. What was I thinking?
Luke talked me into doing his laundry the next day along with mine. He was surprised at how easily I agreed, but didn’t question it.
I was folding the first load when Matt came in. “Getting ready to leave?” he said.
“Yeah.” I tossed a pair of socks into my suitcase. “As soon as I finish washing clothes.”
He nodded and stuck his hands in his pockets. “So you’re almost done with school, right? Maybe you could come up here more often during the summer.”
I shrugged. “Maybe. I hadn’t really thought about it.”
“Well, I know. But you’ve got to miss it some. And, I don’t know...it would be nice to see you.”
I fiddled with the towel in my hand. “Matt...”
“Look, I know last night was kind of weird. But there’s something there, and we both know it.”
“Matt, there is nothing there!” I threw the towel down. “What happened last night...”
“Was stupid, I know. But Kenzie, I really like you. I never said anything because of Gage. Do you know what it was like to see you with him every day?”
I picked up a shirt and headed for the closet. No use taking this one back with me — my suitcase was almost full. “Yeah, I do. I saw him with Elizabeth last night. Why do you think I ran?”
“Then you understand how I feel.” He moved forward until he was directly behind me, his fingertips resting on my shoulders. I felt his breath on my neck and his hand on my waist. He nudged me back gently so the back of my legs were against the bed.
When he kissed me this time, it was less reluctant. I stopped to catch a breath, but then kissed him back. His hands traveled down my waist and I once again ran my hands through his hair. When we finally broke apart, his lips brushed my neck.
“Matt...” I whispered.
He looked up. “What is it?”
“We can’t do, this, Matt.”
He stepped away. “What are you talking about?”
“You know what I’m talking about. Whatever this is that’s happening, it has to stop. It’s not fair to Gage, and it’s certainly not fair to you.”
“Not fair to me? Really? Kenzie, do you have any idea how long I’ve wanted to do this? How much I’ve wanted it?”
“I get it, Matt. But I can’t do this to you. I can’t lead you on.”
“Lead me on? So you can really look me in the eyes and tell me that you don’t have any feelings for me?”
“Yeah, I do,” I said. “Or I did. But only because I couldn’t have you. At least I thought I couldn’t.”
I saw his face fall, and my heart dropped. It was the truth, but I had said it out of frustration. Then again, what was I supposed to say? There isn’t really a nice way to say something like that. But it was too late now; he wasn’t going to listen to an apology, I knew. I wasn’t even sure I owed him one.
“Well then,” he said, “I guess I’ll just go. Have a nice life.” He shuffled out of the room, and I didn’t try to stop him.
Five minutes after Matt left, there was another knock at my bedroom door. “Come in,” I mumbled thinking it was Luke coming to claim his socks. It was Elizabeth who, in the past twelve hours, I had forgotten even existed.
I reluctantly invited her in and she sat at the foot of my bed (which I did not invite her to do). As promised, she carried a manila folder stuffed with papers. Her blonde highlights were pulled back in a neat ponytail and she was covered in a layer of spray tan. It looked uneven, like she had rubbed her fingers over her body while the tan was still wet. She looked like an orange with the top peeled off.
“All right, Kenzie. I can’t believe I’m asking this but...I need your help.”
“Really?” I looked down and pretended to inspect my nails. But if she felt like I wasn’t paying attention, she didn’t mention it. She simply began rambling, just like Jacey. But when Elizabeth did it, it was much more irritating.
“I don’t know if Niles told you, but there’s a new position available at Feed the Needy. It’s basically for advertising. They want someone to be in their ads and posters and such — you know, posing with the starving kids and such. I really really really really want it.” She linked her fingers together; it had been so long since I'd seen someone even imitate praying that it surprised me. “Could you put in a good word with Niles for me? Please?”
It sort of annoyed me that she called Gage and Matt’s father by his first name when she and Gage had only been dating for a few months. Even though he and I hadn’t dated very long either, it had taken them much begging for me to do the same, and she had done it so effortlessly.
“Elizabeth, how can I help you with that? If you want the position, all you have to do is ask. Niles has known you for years, and he’s only known me for eight months. Don’t you think he knows you well enough, or at least better than I do?”
“I figured you might say that. But Kenzie, this is really important to me. I want to be involved in Gage’s life. Niles isn’t going to hire me just because I’m in love with his son. They’ll want a second opinion, and Gage trusts you.”
Instead of pointing out that there were several open positions at Feed the Needy and how convenient it was that she had picked the one that would get her the most attention, I licked my lips. “Gage doesn’t trust me. Well, he might, but there are lots of people out there he trusts more than me.”
“No there aren’t!” she whined. “I know you guys haven’t talked in awhile, but he’ll listen to you. He still cares about you.”
Her voice softened as she talked, and I realized that she might actually be upset. Was I still a threat to her? I wasn’t dumb; I realized now that was why she had been so hot and cold to me while Gage and I were dating. But we weren�
��t dating anymore. She had gotten what she wanted.
“He has a funny way of showing it,” I said.
“Look Kenzie, I know a lot has happened between us in the past few months, and I’m sorry. But can’t you help me with this? I know you’re a good person. Do the right thing.”
“Oh my God.” I burst into laughter. “If you knew half the stuff I had done you wouldn’t think I was a good person. And you know what? Gage may or may not listen to me, but he sure as hell listens to you.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Are you kidding me? He’s totally infatuated with you. If you went to him and asked him to get you a job as a prostitute he’d probably do it because he’d do anything to make you happy. He’s completely blinded by lust.”
Elizabeth scoffed. “You have no proof of that. You’ve barely spent any time around us together. At least not as a couple.”
I knew she was right, but the words kept pouring out like water over a broken dam. “I don’t have to have proof. Why does Gage keep dating you? I have no idea. Probably because you put out.”
Elizabeth glared at me like I'd never seen anyone glare before. The irises of her eyes slowly turned red.
“I’m sorry,” I said, “I didn’t mean that...”
But she looked really upset. Tears brimmed in the corner of her eyes, but she wiped them away. Boy was I on a roll. First I made out with my ex’s brother, and now I was initiating a cat fight with his new girlfriend. Grandpa once told me about an old phrase ‘going to hell in a hand basket,’ and I was sure that described me right now.
But then she did the last thing I expected her to do. She smiled. Though it wasn’t exactly a friendly smile. “You might want to be a little bit nicer to me.”
“Is that a threat?”
She shrugged. “I guess it is. But really McKenzie, I’m telling you for your own good. You don’t want to mess with me.”
She reached into her pocket and pulled out her phone. She punched a button and it lit up; the letters ‘EED’ flashed across the screen. My heart sank. I remembered Corrina’s explanation of the app at the Cavanagh’s party all those months ago. Can record conversations up to a mile away...
Elizabeth hit a button on the phone. At first, I heard nothing but static and distant voices. The voices sounded a bit like mine and Matt’s, but there was no way anyone who didn’t know us could have known for sure. Then I clearly heard Matt say, “There’s something going on and we both know it.”
She fast forwarded and I heard him say, “Can you really look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t have any feelings for me?”
“Yeah, I do,” my voice said.
She stopped the recording. “There’s more, of course. But that’s all anyone really needs to hear. Good thing I decided to come over when I did, right? And I’m really glad Matt didn’t see me when he got out of his car and I followed him up to the apartment. Guess everything worked out for me.”
Of course she stopped the recording there. The rest of our conversation would have proved that our brief romance — if you could even call it that — was now over. And she could easily edit it further to make it even more incriminating. Damn technology and damn her.
I shrugged. “That doesn’t prove anything.”
“Oh, but Gage will think so. He’s blinded by lust for me, remember? He’d do anything I asked. And if I knew half the stuff you’d done, I’d know you weren’t a good person. Oh but wait, I do! And if you don’t start being a little nicer to me, this conversation will be all over the internet by tomorrow morning.”
“You’re a bitch.” It wasn’t the most clever comeback but I was so astounded in the moment that I couldn’t come up with anything else.
She gasped and put her hand over her mouth in mock surprise. “I can have it uploaded by this afternoon.” She stuck the phone in her back pocket and walked out, flipping her platinum ponytail in my direction.
chapter nineteen
I sat on my bed for the next 45 minutes staring at the floor and occasionally folding a towel or shirt and tossing them in my suitcase. I watched a few boring crime shows with Luke during loads. I was about to put the last load in the dryer when there was another knock on my bedroom door. This one, however, was expected and, sure enough, Gage walked through the door.
“Hey,” he said. “You called me?”
I nodded. I had told Gage I needed to talk to him. Surely Elizabeth had uploaded the audio clip and he knew my secret by now, so I had one last opportunity to give him my side of the story (not that getting pissed at the guy you love and kissing his brother out of anger is very substantial). But he said nothing and sat on the pillows beside me.
“Feels like I haven’t seen you in awhile,” he said.
“You just saw me yesterday.”
“I mean lately. You just sort of...took off.”
“I’ve been busy,” I said. “With school.”
He stretched his legs out. “Kenzie, is something wrong? Because the way you talked to me last night…it wasn’t you.”
“I know, I’m sorry. But Gage, seeing you with Elizabeth…I guess I didn’t take it as well as I thought I would.”
He nodded and played with a rip on his jeans. Ripped jeans were coming back in fashion with Immortals, which was pretty funny, considering the rest of us had to wear them out of necessity. “Kenzie…why did you leave?”
“What? Gage, haven’t we talked about this?”
“Not really. You just said it wasn’t going to work and then you just left. But we were fine before you decided to leave. There has to be something else, so what was it?”
“Did you wait five months just to ask me this?”
He shrugged. “I think I have a right to know.”
“You know why I left. This place is insane. We have everything handed to us on a silver platter. Do nothing, get paid. It goes against everything I’ve ever been taught and I didn’t feel right doing it. It was great for awhile, yeah. But you can’t tell me that you don’t feel just a little bit guilty sometimes. Living like this when most of the world is struggling to get by.”
“Kenzie, that’s not our fault. You know that. Just relax, and stop trying to worry about everyone else.”
“Gage, I can’t help it. I’m just trying to do the right thing, but apparently I’m pretty bad at that.”
“What are you talking about? Kenzie, you almost always do the right thing. But that doesn’t mean you know everything. You know, whatever’s on your mind, it’s okay.”
I threw a folded pair of socks across the bed; it landed on top of my already shut suitcase. “No it’s not Gage. I kissed Matt.”
I couldn’t even look at him. “What?” he said.
“Last night. And again earlier this afternoon, before I told him we had to end things. But still...you really didn’t know?”
“No, I had no idea! What the hell, McKenzie?”
“I’m not a good person, Gage. I made a huge mistake. I was only thinking about myself and I hurt the people I care about. I couldn’t get away from temptation, even outside The Necropolis.”
“You can’t use that excuse. Temptation is everywhere and you know that. Don’t be stupid.” He sat up and rammed his hand into one of the pillows. “Jesus Kenzie, how could you do that? He’s my brother! And don’t give me this bullshit about how you’re a bad person because it’s not going to make me feel sorry for you.”
“Why do you even care?” I said. “You have no say in who I kiss. You’ve clearly moved on.”
“Well I had to move on,” he shouted, “Because you were obviously gone for good!”
There was one of those dramatic pauses, like couples have in movies when they’re about to have a breakthrough. Only we weren’t a couple, and we may or may not be about to have a breakthrough.
“What do you mean?” I said. “Of course I wasn’t gone for good. I’m still taking the TNV for God’s sake. I’m still getting the lifetime grants. The only difference is I’m livi
ng somewhere else.”
He shook his head. “It’s completely different, Kenzie. You don’t even know if you want to be Immortal or not.”
I shook my head, but there was no denying it. “I love it, but I hate it.”
He rubbed his temple. “Then I guess you’ve got a tough decision to make.”
“The hardest decision I’ve ever made.”
He rolled his eyes. “I have to go. I’m sorry I got angry, but...well, you understand why. Let me know when you make your decision.”
When I was growing up, one of mom and grandpa’s favorite words to toss around in reference to The Necropolis — other than ‘corrupt’ and ‘selfish’ — was ‘Faustian’. I always thought it sounded cool, but had no idea what it meant until the year before I became Immortal when I took an advanced English class. The first thing we studied was Doctor Faustus, a play about a man who sells his soul to the devil in exchange for riches and power. He considers repenting several times but the temptation is too great. In the end, he's dragged down to hell. Pretty blatantly metaphorical, but I didn’t realize until Gage left my room that day just how obvious the parallel was. Sure, I’d made an attempt to get out of my deal — but an awfully half hearted one. What if it didn’t work? And even if it did, what if I didn’t make my decision until it was too late? What if it was already too late the second I made the deal?
According to the always vigilant and almost always informative news aggregator that was Jacey, Gage and Elizabeth ended their relationship in late June, almost a month after my last meetings with them. She said — and this was apparently a direct quote from Matt — that Gage had referred to Elizabeth as “shallow and irritating.” I could have told him that eight months earlier and saved him a bit of heartache, making up for the heartache I'd apparently caused him myself. But he never asked me.
The Immortals Page 11