I Do... NOT

by Kimolisa Mings

  “Yeah?” my cousin's eyes widened, then they rolled up as though she was trying to recall something. “Yeah, I knew it was him I saw at Charles & Son's, but isn’t that a part time position?”

  Charles & Sons was a local hardware store and during the season, they would take on extra staff. A fact that was known by all and Leslie mentioning that he was working there meant his employment was not impressive.

  “Well,” Jada began, her voice now cool. “He’s still looking for something more stable.”

  Before Leslie could come in with her own five cents and some, I piped in, “Don’t worry he’ll find something. You know how tough the job market is. It took me forever to get my foot in at Jones, Weiss & Fairchild. Has he tried getting something permanent at C&S?”

  A small smile appeared at the lips of my sister, the tension in her shoulders released a fraction, “I’ve told him to see if it’s a possibility, he’s working his ass off. Turns out he likes it there.”

  Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the grimace on my cousin’s face. The simple thought of retail was distasteful. Still, I didn’t give her a chance to vocalize her thoughts.

  “Yeah, it’s a nice place to work,” I said, recalling my summer job there while I was in High School. “The customers were too much at times, asking for stuff they didn’t have a clue about.”

  The conversation soon flowed into summer jobs in retail. Jada and I didn’t care that Leslie wasn’t in on it. We laughed and told stories, and for a minute, my sister and I were adversaries. We were sisters, but there was more here. In the conversation, I learned of experiences she had and how she felt about them. Although we seemed so different, there were so many similarities. In this conversation, I was growing to like my sister, not out of familial obligation but because of the person she was.

  “Thanks, Alexa,” Jada said when Leslie excused herself to the bathroom.

  “It’s nothing,” I said.

  “No, it’s not nothing,” she said leaning forward. “You could have jumped on the bandwagon, you’ve done it in the past. You’ve no fan of Antwone.”

  I looked at my sister, then let my eyes drift around the room that changed so much since we were little girls. We had changed as much as this room had changed, we were forever changing.

  “I’m… I was not a fan of the situation, but I can’t be mad at it, it’s easier to be mad at a person. I was mad at him even though I didn’t know him,” I looked at my sister as the words formed and were spoken. It was one thing to act it out, but it was another thing to vocalize it. It sounded both profound and petty.

  “It’s sad that Dad has to be dying for us to reach this point,” Jada sighed.

  I nodded, “I suppose this is an example of life being bittersweet.”

  The moment ended with Sydney running in, my youngest niece was bawling her head off. In that instant, Jada turned into mommy and I watched as she scooped up the little girl, asking what was wrong. She rocked her until she was silent, wiping away tears that soon came to a stop. My sister knew what to do, what to say, and I was in awe of her.

  We’re not perfect people, we just have the ability of creating perfect moments.

  Chapter Forty-One

  As much as I was loving on my family, I had been looking forward to New Year’s Eve. I missed my friends, I missed the city. I would say I missed Julian and Clark, but I knew it was a waste of emotional energy. Still, as I sat at the bar at Club Bliss, waiting for the others, I found myself thinking about the men.

  “What are you dreaming about, mija?” Luisa’s voice ended my reverie.

  “Nothing,” I said too quickly before taking a sip of my cocktail.

  “Uh huh,” Luisa replied, her eyes narrowing. “If you say so,” she looked around the club we normally went to ring in the New Year.

  We had been coming for years, and family and friends had accepted that this was one of the things that was not up for negotiations. Not only did we get to see the clock turn over to a brand new year, it was an opportunity to revert to being carefree women who would dance the night away.

  “I see a table,” Luisa said, already on the move.

  Hopping off my stool, I scooped up my purse and drink and worked to catch up with my friend. She was settling into a seat, ignoring the scowls of a group of women who were walking away when I arrived.

  Looking up, she grinned, “I still have it.”

  “Uh huh,” I took a seat across from her. “You do have a knack for scoping out tables.”

  “What are you drinking?” Luisa asked, pulling out her phone.

  “Cocoa's Revenge,” I answered. “I was trying to stump the bartender but he knows his stuff. This came out yummy.”

  “What's in it?” Luisa's face was illuminated by the light of her phone.

  As I listed off the ingredients, Toni arrived and we hugged, exchanging pecks on the cheeks.

  “Hey, mami,” Luisa said, pulling away from her own hug. Looking down at Toni's stomach, she said, “You're starting to show, how's our little one?”

  “Our little one is going to be a handful,” Toni rubbed her belly. She told of the highs and lows of her pregnancy after taking her seat.

  “How is Aaron and the kids handling it?” Luisa asked.

  “Aaron,” Toni sighed. “Is having second thoughts.”

  “What?” I exclaimed.

  “You're kidding me,” Luisa said at the same time.

  Toni shook her head, “It's hard for me to believe myself. At first, he was in shock, then he wants to go with me to my doctor's appointments. You should have seen his face when the doctor showed us the ultrasound. Check this out.”

  She pulled out her phone from the depths of her purse and brought it to life. After a few taps and swipes, she turned the phone's display towards us. It showed a text message conversation.

  “He's sending me possible baby names,” Toni said.

  “Wow,” was all I could think to say.

  “But what does this mean for your marriage?” Luisa looked at Toni.

  “It means that the divorce is on hold for now,” she slipped her phone back into her purse. “Aaron isn't moving forward and I'm not in the mental space to do so.”

  “Do you want to stay?” I asked, my voice barely above the music pulsing through unseen speakers.

  Toni looked down at her little bump, on top of it sat her left hand, her engagement ring picking up the dimmed light and fracturing it into a million points of light.

  We had all gone to her wedding, watched them profess their love for each other. We knew all the milestones in the Crane family. From the birth of their first child to the revelation of their last, yet unborn. This was another milestone, it could mean the end of Toni's marriage or a new chapter.

  “I want to make it work,” she said, at last. “I want to make our marriage better than it was for this little one, for the boys, for Aaron and, most importantly, for myself.”

  “Well, I think that deserves a toast,” Luisa exclaimed, looking around for a waiter to take our order.

  “What deserves a toast?” Toya asked, emerging from the crowd close to the entrance. Behind her was Meredith, her hand clasped in Toya's.

  “The possible new start to Toni's marriage,” I began to explain as Toya and Meredith took their seats.

  “Oh,” Toya turned to Toni. “So the divorce is definitely off the table?”

  “More like on hold, but I'm being hopeful,” Toni admitted. “But enough about my drama, who is this?”

  Turning to the woman sitting beside her, Toya beamed. “Everyone, I would like to introduce Meredith Sloane. We've been seeing each other for the last few months. Meredith, this is Luisa, Toni and Alex,” she pointed us out as she said our names.

  After a slew of 'nice to meet you's, we got the attention of a waiter and ordered drinks. When they arrived, Luisa held up her glass.

  “To Toni, her new baby and her new marriage,” she toasted.

  After the clinking of glasses, the ch
eers and us sipping our drinks, Toni raised her glass and said, “To Toya and her relationship.” With a wink at Meredith, she added, “And we look forward to seeing more of you.”

  As we toasted, I watched Toya look across at her date. What was communicated without words was what they had was not frivolous, but something that would develop into something serious. Was it possible that my lesbian wedding planner friend would be planing her own wedding in the near future?

  To my surprise, Toya raised her glass and looked at me. “To Alex who had embarked on a path of self-discovery. Hopefully this means that when Mr Right comes along, a wedding will soon follow, one planned by yours truly, of course.”

  We laughed as we toasted. I could always depend on Toya being touching and funny. Soon our conversations turned to getting to know Meredith. As we chatted, I found myself watching Toya, if they weren't looking at each other with googly eyes, she was looking at Meredith with pride. It amused me that our roles had switched, Toya was smitten with someone and I was exploring the single life.

  When Meredith, Luisa and Toni went to the bathroom, I took the opportunity to talk to Toya.

  “She's nice,” I said, looking at Toya over the rim of my glass as I sipped my cocktail.

  “She is,” Toya replied. “This is nice,” she added. “I can see why you are always hitched with someone.”

  “I couldn't call it hitched, more like having a good time with one person,” I pointed out.

  “Whatever you want to call it, I'm enjoying it,” Toya responded.

  “What you like is not the relationship,” I looked down at my glass. “What you like is the person, if you had liked relationships you would have been in one a long time ago. It's Meredith,” I looked up in time to see our friends, old and new, walking back.

  Looking across at Toya, I said, “I'm happy for you.” There was a sincerity in my voice that left us speechless in the moment that followed.

  The pause came to an end with Toya saying, “If that is true, did that apply to you? Did you like the relationships or the men?”

  I sighed, I walked right into that, “A little of both, some were the relationships and the others were the men.”

  Before Toya could ask her next question, the others were at the table, but the only one who sat down was Toni. Luisa and Meredith were swaying to the music that had risen in volume since we had arrived.

  “The dance floor is packed and the DJ is amazing,” Meredith came up beside Toya. “Let’s dance.”

  Toya looked up, then across at me. The battle was short lived with Toya getting to her feet and following her date onto the dance floor. The small Congo line was completed with Luisa.

  “I like her,” Toni admitted, watching them disappear into the throng of dancers.

  “Me, too,” I responded. “Me, too.”

  ###

  It wasn't much later that Toni and I joined the others on the dance floor filled with people gyrating and moving to the pulsing music. Strobe lights cut dizzying patterns against skins of many hue, glistening with sheen of perspiration. We were powered by exotic cocktails and music that seemed to penetrate every cell of our being. For the first time in months, I felt physical happiness, the stretch and concentration of muscles left dormant for too long, sending hormones to the right receptors.

  I looked across at my friends and saw smiling faces. For this moment we weren't the various labels others gave us, we just were.

  Then over the music, the DJ extolled that the end was near, the year was coming to an end. My friends came close to one another, our hands finding each other hands. I clasped Meredith's hand, she was one of us now, and now was all that mattered.

  “The New Year is just around the corner,” the DJ yelled as the music pulsed. “In 5... 4.... 3.... 2.......1!!!”

  A flash of light illuminated the dance floor and confetti fell from above. As one, friends and strangers alike screamed, “Happy New Year!!!”

  As Luisa and I hugged, Toya and Meredith kissed. Then everyone was hugging everyone. It was a new year with so much new possibilities, new opportunities but all of that was for when we woke up, for now we were celebrating making it to a new year.

  ###

  I didn't know what time I got home. Through the blur that was the cab ride, I found the keys to my apartment. On wobbly legs, I let myself in. Despite the altered reality, I felt a sense of homecoming.

  I was in too much of a hurry to get ready for the night out when I first came home to sense the feeling. Now that I had slowed down, I knew I was home. My fingers slid across the back of my sofa as I looked at the artwork I had chosen for my walls.

  My parents’ house had ceased being home for me a long time ago. I followed the darkened hallway to my bedroom, the spices of the scented candles I had lit still lingered in the air. I inhaled fully and exhaled. My body whimpered for my bed and I gave in to its pleas. Barely kicking off my heels, I fell into bed. It wasn't much longer before I was fast asleep. It felt good being home.

  Chapter Forty-Two

  “Your move,” Dad was not known for being impatient, but during this game, I had been slow to move my pieces.

  I made a stupid move, I knew it as soon as I had made it, but my mind was not on the game in front of me. Dad didn't hesitate in sliding his piece and removing my ill-placed piece from the board.

  I tried to focus, but I could see that there was no way to salvage the game. I moved my piece with the sole intention of losing quickly.

  “Dad,” I watched as he took another of my pieces. “I'm going back to work... next week.”

  “About time,” he said. “I was expecting it sooner to be honest.”

  “Really?” I put another piece up for slaughter.

  “I've seen you moping around here, and even though you and your mother are on good terms, it's just a matter of time before all that good will runs out,” he looked up at me and winked. “Don't get me wrong, I like having you here, I get to play chess with a decent opponent, well with the exception of today, but you don't belong here. This isn't your life, it's time you got back to your life.”

  “I'll come back for the weekends,” I said, crossing my arms and leaning against the table top.

  “I don't doubt that,” Dad smiled. “Your turn.”

  “How about we say this game is yours and we start a new one?” I sat back and looked at the board.

  “It was mine from the start, I just wanted to see if you could turn it around,” he chuckled. “But I'm only starting another one if you promise to really play.”

  “Oh,” I began to rearrange the chess pieces. “I don't plan to play, I plan to win.”

  “Oh,” Dad said with mock surprise. “Those sound like fighting words, this might be entertaining.”

  We laughed as he made his first move, but it soon died away as we played the game as it should be played. Perhaps, it was because he thought I was all talk that Dad didn't give his all because I won that game.

  With a tight smile, he said, “Two out of three.”

  It turned into four games and it would have been five if it wasn't for the fatigue that settled over my father. We left the board at a draw and with the promise that the next time we played, it would determine the winner.

  After helping him up to bed, I made the necessary calls to Mr. Weiss and Jennifer. I was coming back and I wanted to hit the ground running. Between work and coming back here on the weekends, I welcomed the distractions. I was going home.

  Chapter Forty-Three

  “Jennifer,” I said as I walked past her desk, flipping through the file folder of a new case, my first for the new year. “I'm expecting some documents from Kern & Associates, can you bring them in as soon as they arrive.”

  “Yes, of course,” my secretary got to her feet and began to follow me. “There is a- “

  I opened the door to my office and came to an abrupt stop when I saw a familiar form standing in the middle of my office.

  “He said that you wouldn't mind if he waited fo
r you in your office,” I heard Jennifer say. “And Mr. Weiss vouched for him,” her voice was just above a whisper.

  “It's okay,” I turned and composed a smile. “Just be on the look out for those documents.”

  The tension in her shoulders melted away and Jennifer nodded, then made her way back to her desk as I closed the door behind me.

  When I turned back, I was looking into the gray eyes of Clark Sullivan. We stood there for what felt like forever, but was most likely a second or two too long.

  Clearing my throat, I said, “Good Morning, Mr. Sullivan, this is quite a surprise.”

  He didn't respond right away, he just watched me walk around to behind my desk, depositing the files on the surface among other paperwork.

  “I just wanted to return this,” Clark placed a silver ring on the desktop. it was a pretty little bauble, the metal was twisted into an intricate design.

  “That's not mine,” I said, looking up at him. I could understand why he thought it was mine as it was something I would wear.

  “It was supposed to be yours. I bought it before...” Clark didn't have to say it, it had brought us to this uncomfortable place.

  After a pause that was filled with memories of what took place in this very same office, Clark asked, “Are you still seeing him?” There was an intensity in his eyes, a battle had raged and the result was his asking this question.

  I shook my head, “I hadn't seen him since that night.”

  The tightness at the corners of his lips slackened, but there was still a nervous energy about his person. “Do you still want to see him?”

  Somehow this question felt heavier than the one before. I looked away, finding nothing really to look at, but unable to meet Clark's gaze.

  I could lie. I could bend the truth, knowing that the raw truth didn't matter. Julian walked away and it didn't matter how I felt about him, but it mattered to Clark. And Clark deserved the truth.

  “If he came back,” I chose my words. “I would consider seeing him, but only if I was not seeing someone else. It would not be fair to either person. Whoever I'm seeing deserves my full attention.”