All She Wanted (Letting Go)

by Deese, Nicole

  An intense look blazed in his eyes; all amusement drained from his face.

  “You’re serious?” he asked.

  “Yes I’m serious! It’s Jackie…she’s a living, breathing Barbie doll! What man wouldn’t want her?”

  “Me. I don’t want her, Charlie,” His tone was deep, almost dangerous sounding, “She’s not my type.”

  I swallowed hard as I stared into his eyes, pushing the vulnerability bubble that was building inside me away, running instead toward the emotion I was far more comfortable with: Anger. I had all but forgotten my feelings of guilt, which had started this whole conversation in the first place.

  “She’s every man’s type—even men on the reform, like you. So don’t patronize me, Briggs. Beautiful is every man’s type!”

  He flinched at my words, but held his ground all the same, a new expression taking over his face.

  “Where’s this insecurity coming from, Charlie?”

  Of all the things he could have said, really? What is wrong with him?

  “Don’t try and make this about me!”

  “I think it has more to do with that loser you dated, actually.” He crossed his arms over his chest.

  My mouth hung open. How had this conversation spiraled down so quickly?

  “Let me tell you how I see it, Shortcake. That jerk you dated must have sold you some pretty pricey lies if you honestly believe that a girl like Jackie is more desirable to a man than you.”

  I blinked rapidly, trying to keep up with the direction of this conversation while the truth stabbed at my heart like a dull knife. I’m not that different from her.

  “You don’t even know what kind of girl I am, Briggs! Despite what you think, I’m not some innocent little flower, so you can take whatever virtue and purity notions you’ve concocted about me and squash ‘em. I’m a lot closer to a Jackie than you might want to believe. Alex didn’t sell me anything that I didn’t willingly offer to him first…”

  I was shocked by the bitter honesty of my words. I’d given Alex all of me within days of meeting him. I felt sick under that looming haze of regret.

  I couldn’t stand there for one more second. I was so tired of pretending to be someone I wasn’t anymore, and I didn’t need to see another disappointed face staring back at me. I saw that face everyday in the mirror.

  My resolve to wait for love, prior to meeting Alex, had failed to match the intensity of my need to be desired, wanted, and cherished. Yet in the end, that one decision only compounded the emptiness I had longed to fill.

  Briggs

  A single tear rolled down her cheek as she turned from me. I struggled between comforting her and thinking of the ways I could dismember Alex.

  Her tear won me over.

  “Don’t turn away from me, Charlie, please.”

  Slowly, she faced me again. I took a step closer, resting my hands on her shoulders. The pain in her eyes ripped something open in my chest.

  “Can I ask you something?”

  She nodded.

  “If you knew then what you know now…that he would leave you, would you have been so willing?”

  “No,” she said without a second’s hesitation.

  “That’s how you’re not the same, Charlie. Sex wasn’t a sport for you. I can point those girls out of a crowd easily—most guys can—but those girls aren’t you,” I paused, moving my hands to cradle her face. “But you were sold a lie, sweetheart, and for that I’m very sorry.”

  She questioned me with her eyes.

  “You believed it could be bought,” I said, wiping a rogue tear from her cheek.

  Her voice was a shaky whisper, “That what could be bought?”

  “Love.”

  I pulled her into my chest and wrapped my arms around her, kissing the top of her head.

  There was a very real possibility that I’d never let her go.

  .

  Charlie

  Infinity times infinity, that’s how long I hoped his hug would last.

  Time wouldn’t need to exist, the future didn’t have to make sense, and my past wasn’t even a blip on the radar.

  “Charlie, I want to-”

  My pocket was vibrating.

  Who would have the audacity to be calling right now—in the middle of my infinity moment?

  Briggs dropped his arms and I was overcome with a chill that started at my scalp and worked its way down to my toes. I struggled to grab a hold of the phone, as the corner of it was stuck on a seam in my pocket, but Briggs plucked it out for me in one fluid motion.

  My knees felt like Jell-O.

  “Hello,” I croaked out.

  Get a grip Charlie!

  “Sugar! It’s so nice to hear your voice. How are you?”

  Dad, of course. Captain of the Worst Timing Ever Club.

  “Doing great, Dad. Just about to have some lunch.”

  “Oh good. Has Briggs been around much? Or does he keep to himself in that apartment? I’m sure he’s been enjoying that extra cable package I got for him.” He laughed.

  I’d say he’s been around…yep.

  “Uh, yeah we’ve hung out a few times.” I see Briggs smile at me from the corner of my eye as I grab my plate from the counter with my good hand, forcing the phone to stay between my head and shoulder as I walked to the couch. Briggs stayed in the kitchen—to give me privacy?

  “Good. Well, I hope it’s hasn’t been too bad for you, sugar. We miss you…and we’re excited to be home next week so we can spend some time with you before your summer classes start. Charlie…I…”

  “Yeah?” I felt my throat thicken with emotion for the hundredth time that day.

  “I just want you to know how much I love you. I know you think my rules are a bit crazy, and maybe I am over-protective, but everything I do…everything I want for you… is because I love you. I hope you know that—even if you’re still angry with me.”

  I put my plate down on the table in front of me. I had heard those words countless times before, and I did believe him…but they meant something more today.

  “I know, Dad. I love you too…and I’m sorry.” I couldn’t finish my statement. But he knew.

  “I am too baby, and I’m sorry he broke your heart.”

  I swallowed hard, “And I’m sorry I didn’t listen.”

  Silence.

  “I love you, sugar. We’ll fix this when we get home. I’m glad you’ve had this time to think, and take a break from school. Your mom just sent you another email with pictures. She picked you up a little something today at an outdoor market, too. We’ll see you next week. Take care of yourself, and tell Briggs we say hello, ok?”

  “Okay. Tell mom I love her, too.”

  “Will do. Bye, Charlie.”

  “Bye, Dad.”

  I laid the phone onto the sofa next to me, pulling my plate onto my lap.

  “They’re doing well?” Briggs asked.

  “Yeah…he sounds really happy. I’m glad they went,” I said, still deep in thought.

  “They miss you.” It wasn’t a question.

  “I miss them, too. I just wish…” I shook my head.

  “What?” he asked.

  I looked up at him, sitting across from me on the loveseat.

  I smiled, “Ya know, what? I think we’ve met our quota on heavy conversations today…don’t you?”

  He stared at me as if deciding if he would let it go, ultimately he did.

  “Well, then, what do you have in mind for today, Uno?” he asked.

  Uno?

  I laughed as he pointed to my arm.

  “Nice,” I laughed, “Maybe something that doesn’t take a lot of skill or energy—or two hands.”

  We each took some bites of our sandwiches, thinking.

  “Well, since you already did laundry,” he baited, scowling at me with mock-frustration, “I think that just leaves lazy activities: TV, reading, one-handed charades?”

  I laughed. “Perfect.”

  “Sounds like an excell
ent Sunday afternoon to me, too.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  Briggs

  I’d never put a lot of stock into the word happy, until recently.

  It had seemed so fleeting, so temporary, so overused.

  But this week had changed that; this week had given me a regard for all things happy.

  Happy was in every minute I spent with Charlie, no matter if we were driving to work, laughing over Chinese food, or telling scary stories by the fire pit in her back yard. Happy was in her looks, in her texts, in her voice and in her laugh.

  Happy, I discovered, was simply doing life with Charlie.

  By Friday afternoon, my thoughts were consumed with telling her how I felt. With this being my last weekend staying at her house, I knew I couldn’t wait one more day. By next week things would be different. There would be distractions, schedule changes, responsibilities, but I hoped none of those things would change us once she knew how I felt about her.

  “Dude…you know you’re walking around here like a smitten puppy, right?” Kai asked, dragging a soapy sponge across the front of the fire engine.

  I shrugged and smiled. Denial was pointless.

  “So what’s your plan?” he asked.

  “What do you mean?”

  “What are you going to do about it?”

  I looked at him, “You mean like…how am I going to tell her?”

  He stopped washing and stood upright.

  “No, not how you’re going to tell her…how are you going to tell him? What’s your plan with Chief?”

  It wasn’t like I had forgotten about that tiny detail exactly, but Charlie’s dad had not been at the forefront of my mind as of late. He was not present in my head for the conversation that had been on repeat since being struck with Cupid’s arrow.

  Kai’s question had just thrown cold water in my face.

  I frowned, “I suppose you have a thought or two about it.”

  “Listen, I can tell you really like her—I like her, too. She seems really great Briggs, and I’ve never known you to…feel this way about any woman-”

  “’Cause she’s not just any woman, Kai…” I snapped.

  He smiled, putting his hand on my shoulder. “Hey, I know that, and I also know you, remember? I get what it means for you to want to take this next step.”

  I felt the tension in my shoulders relax. Kai moved to stand directly in front of me.

  “I think that you need to sit down with Chief and talk to him first, before you make any commitments to Charlie.”

  “Kai…it’s not like I’m going to propose to her tonight!” I said louder than I needed to. I looked over my shoulder to make sure no one had overheard me—particularly a strawberry-blonde who was just on the other side of the wall we stood in front of.

  “No, but if you want to pursue something with her…you better feel pretty darn sure that’s where it’s headed. Chief’s not going to let his only daughter get hurt again by any man—not even you.”

  I stared at Kai. He had a point.

  “How did you know…about Alex?” I hated that he had a name. I hoped I’d never have to see the face that went with it. He’d hate it even more though if I did.

  “Mrs. Julie talked to Tori about it a couple of months ago.”

  “Oh.” I nodded.

  “So, you’re suggesting I ask him if I can date her?” I clarified.

  “I’m suggesting you tell him how you feel about her and make your intentions clear to him,” Kai said.

  I felt sick.

  In just a matter of seconds, my excitement about asking Charlie to dinner so I could tell her how I felt had just become much more complicated. The chief knew me—he’d seen the changes in my life as much as Kai had over this last year, but Charlie was his daughter, his only child.

  “When is he back again?” Kai asked.

  “Tuesday.”

  Kai nodded, going back to the sudsy bucket of water.

  “Tuesday it is then,” he said.

  I swallowed hard, “Tuesday it is.”

  **********

  At five, I met Charlie in Chief’s office. She had just finished the last of the filing. I looked around the room, it was impressive what she had accomplished. We always worked to keep the station clean, but there was something extra that Charlie had brought to this space. Besides her fruity candles and her disposable coffee cups (I didn’t understand why she was so set on those), she just made the place…better.

  Just like she makes me.

  I smiled as I watched her turn and grab her purse.

  “How’s day two of no ace wrap?” I asked.

  “Fantastic! That thing was really getting hard to accessorize. Not much goes with stretchy brown bandage material—who knew?” She bent her wrist back and forth slowly.

  I reached out and took it in my hand.

  It’s so teeny.

  Charlie was petite, no doubt. But the fragility of her wrist in my hand sent a shiver down my spine. I rubbed my thumb over the bone lightly, assessing it. An unexpected thought flashed through my mind then.

  I couldn’t live with myself if I ever hurt this woman.

  She was talking, but I didn’t catch it.

  “What?”

  She gently pulled her arm back, “I said I’m excited to play the piano later today. I can’t believe it’s been a week. A whole week! The longest I’ve ever gone without playing was three days, and that was because I had to get my appendix out.”

  We walked out to my truck together, passing several guys in the dining hall.

  “Do you two want to stay for the Thai food delivery? It should be here in about ten minutes!” Andy called out to us.

  I glanced at Charlie, she shook her head.

  “Nah, we’re good. Thanks!” I yelled back.

  With that, we were on our way.

  The anticipation of an evening spent with Charlie grew rapidly with each second that passed. I thought about my conversation with Kai again on the drive home. Though he was most likely right about how I should handle it with Chief, I would still say something to her tonight. I wouldn’t make any promises or commitments yet, but one thing was for certain: This night would not pass without Charlie hearing what she meant to me.

  Charlie

  Something felt different on the ride home. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but Briggs seemed lost in space. We had talked and joked like normal, but there was no fluidity to our conversation.

  Did something happen at work?

  He didn’t seem upset, just a little out of sorts—like he was deep in thought. I decided to leave it alone. If he wanted to talk, he would. Briggs didn’t keep stuff to himself for long, I’d learned that about him over the last month. Whatever he thought, he said.

  I took comfort in that.

  He wasn’t the strong silent type that I used to find so appealing. I had actually come to understand that there was more strength to a man who could verbalize what he wanted, needed, and expected. True, that sometimes it meant an all-out-verbal-war on the back patio fighting about a secret wedding that wasn’t actually in the works, but the air was always cleared faster having someone like Briggs around, without a doubt.

  My wedding.

  I pushed the thought from my mind. I wasn’t ready to think about that.

  I didn’t want to think about that.

  Briggs parked his truck in the driveway.

  “So-,” we both began.

  “You go,” I said.

  “No, you go,” he said.

  We both laughed.

  “I was just going to tell you that I need at least an hour of good practice time. I have a lot to do for Tori’s processional still and it’s only two weeks out. I’m meeting her next week to show her what I have, and since this happened,” I said raising my right arm in the air, “I don’t have much to show her.”

  He nodded. I started to open the door and slide out of the seat when I felt his hand on mine. It rested on top of my left hand, engulfing it compl
etely. The warmth sent an army of goose- bumps marching up my neck and into my scalp. I searched his face, my stomach flipping instantly when I saw his expression.

  Despite the rapid increase of my heartbeat, my breathing slowed dramatically. I waited for him to speak.

  “Can I take you out to dinner tonight, Charlie?”

  Random, incomplete fragments of thought floated in my head.

  I tried to tell myself that this dinner was just the same as every dinner we’d shared together over the last four weeks. That it was probably just some new place he wanted to try, or maybe he was tired of the same old take-out we had been getting. I tried to tell myself that his deep, husky voice was in relation to the allergens in the air.

  That the intense look of longing on his face had nothing at all to do with me…

  But lying to myself never seemed to pay off in the end. And even more than that, I wanted it to be true—I wanted it to mean something new, something more.

  Afraid to speak, I simply nodded at him.

  “Okay, well…why don’t you go in and spend some time being Beethoven, and I’ll come find you around seven. That work?”

  I nodded again before getting out of the truck, forcing myself to walk away with steps I hoped were regarded as normal.

  Inside though, I was skipping.

  **********

  I sat down at the piano and rotated my wrist for the hundredth time that day. Though it was still fairly stiff, the constant ache was gone. It was nice to not be in pain anymore. The ice, the anti-inflammatory meds and even the stupid wrap had made all the difference, and of course time had also played a key role in my healing as well.

  A week…I had actually gone an entire week without piano. Unbelievable.

  I laid my hands on the keys and closed my eyes thinking of the melody I had heard in my heart for Tori.

  Without more than a second’s hesitation, the notes came out fluidly. I could picture the walk of her bridesmaids, the stroll of the ring-bearer pulling the wagon with her niece on board, and I could visualize the start of Tori’s walk. I paused the higher notes for dramatic effect as I repeated the bass line, preparing for what would be her grand entrance.