All She Wanted (Letting Go)

by Deese, Nicole

  This year I was finding it hard to get into the holiday spirit at all.

  Charlie was coming home in five days, and though I should feel ecstatic, the only thing I felt at the moment, was confused. It wasn’t only the emotional distance she had wedged between us in these last few weeks that worried me; it was also the way she had been responding to me as of late.

  I could squeeze more warmth from an ice cube than I could from Charlie right now.

  If there was another way to ask her what was wrong, I certainly didn’t know it. Apart from asking her in Pig-Latin, I could honestly say that I had tried everything.

  The chief walked out, greeting me and carrying yet another box in his hands. He laid it at the base of the hydraulic ladder—the one I was just about to step onto. He stretched his arms above his head, rotating his shoulders.

  “Here’s one more, Briggs. And one of those larger ones over there should have the Santa sleigh and the Nativity scene for the side yard inside it, I think,” he said smiling.

  “Does it also have the Easter bunny in it, too? Or that Leprechaun guy from Saint Patty’s day?” I grumbled.

  “No, but I think I just found the Grinch.” He folded his arms over his chest, but continued to watch me—an odd look crossing over his face.

  “I’ll look for them in a bit, sir, sorry.” I pulled the first long strand of lights out, and climbed into the lift’s cage.

  He walked a bit closer, putting his left hand on the lift’s rail as if trying to get my attention. I had just grabbed the staple gun when I met his scrutinizing gaze for the second time. I stood upright, waiting for him to speak his mind.

  “Have you spoken with Charlie recently?”

  A pang shot through my heart at the mention of her name.

  “Yeah, just texted lately though. Why—is something wrong?”

  I leaned on the back rail, hanging the staple gun onto my belt loop.

  He rotated his shoulders again, shrugging slightly in the process. “I think something might be going on with her.”

  My brows furrowed as my heart rate increased, “Like what?”

  I was not in the mood to be accused of anything, especially when it came to her. I had done everything that had been asked of me, kept every promise I had made to the man. It was most likely those very promises that had me second-guessing our relationship right now.

  “Relax, Briggs…this isn’t an interrogation. I know you’ve been nothing but honorable when it comes to her, but her mom and I think…”

  “What?”

  If I hadn’t been talking to my chief—a.k.a Charlie’s Dad—I would have demanded him to speak faster, but I held my respect in check, and waited for him to continue.

  “We think she’s trying to avoid something…it’s what she does when she’s anxious or stressed. It was odd for her to change her plans so last minute at Thanksgiving, and now with winter break almost here, she doesn’t even seem…excited about coming home.”

  I knew exactly what he was talking about, maybe even more than he did.

  “Yeah.” I nodded in agreement, pulling on my neck.

  “Ever since she got back to school after the tour…she hasn’t seemed like herself. Her grades are excellent, and she’s received several invitations to go abroad after graduation, but yet, there’s no passion in her voice when she talks about it,” Chief said, raising his arm off the lift and stretching it across his body, massaging his shoulder in the process.

  “I’ve noticed that too, sir. I don’t know what I can say to help, though…I’ve tried to ask her, believe me,” I said, shaking my head.

  “But that’s just it, Briggs. What I’m trying to say, is that Julie and I think her lack of passion is somehow connected to you.”

  Ouch.

  “Is this supposed to be a kick-me-when-I’m-down-conversation, sir?”

  “Not at all…I think maybe I’m gaining some new perspective. I think you did more for her than what I may have given you credit for.” He paused, shifting his feet as he held my gaze. “Briggs…do you still love my daughter?”

  I stared at him, desperately trying to believe that what I was hearing was real—hoping to God that this was not just my sad attempt at a daydream.

  “More than my own life,” I said firmly.

  He nodded, but as he did, he staggered forward a step…and then another.

  “Sir—sir, are you okay?”

  He clutched his chest as I jumped out of the lift, staple gun falling to the ground with a loud clang.

  “I think…I’m having a heart attack.”

  **********

  One might think it lucky to have a heart attack surrounded by a bunch of paramedics and firemen, and maybe that was true, but it didn’t change the fact that our chief was currently being rushed into surgery.

  Mrs. Julie had just walked in a few seconds before, followed by Kai, as we piled together in a private waiting room. It had seemed like years had passed with the amount of worry that saturated the air, but in reality, it had been no more than twenty-minutes since the chief had spoken his last words to me.

  I knelt beside Mrs. Julie, just one thought reverberating inside my head.

  Charlie.

  “Mrs. Julie, have you spoken with Charlie yet?” I asked softly.

  She shook her head slowly, her face dazed in shock.

  “I’d like your permission to go pick her up and bring her back here, but I think it would be best if no one calls her until I’m with her. I’m afraid if she hears about this now, she will get on the road regardless of what anyone says, and I don’t think that would be safe. Do you agree with me?”

  She took my hands in hers. “Yes, I do. Just bring her home to me safely, Briggs. Please have her call me as soon as she’s with you.”

  “I will, ma’am, I promise.”

  Kai and Evan were at my side the second I stood up. I grabbed Kai’s shoulder, pulling him close. “Nobody calls, Charlie,” I said through gritted teeth, “Nobody.”

  “But it’s gonna take nearly four hours to get to her,” Evan said.

  Kai shot him a warning look, he knew what was coming.

  I pointed my finger at his chest. “When you love a woman the way I love Charlie Lexington…you will do whatever it takes to keep her safe—even if that means keeping her safe from herself. She can’t drive with this in her head. So, I will say it one more time Evan, nobody calls her!”

  Kai stepped between us. “You have our word, Briggs. We’ll make sure of it, and I’ll keep you updated with the latest on Chief.”

  “Thanks.”

  And with that, I was gone.

  Charlie

  There were few things in life that could transcend beyond the confines of time, space, culture and language. One such thing was the look of bad news, a look that I had known far too intimately as a child—I couldn’t possibly forget it.

  Why I didn’t doubt his presence in the doorway of my music hall, or at my school, or even in my city, remained a mystery to me. But even if I had, the look on his face was enough to smack me with reality.

  Bad news.

  I seemed to float weightlessly to where he stood. The air around me was thick and fuzzy; it hurt to breathe it in. I focused on his lips, as if they held in them the balance of good and evil. I waited for his words, bracing myself for their impact.

  Out of everything he said, I heard only three words.

  Just. Three. Words.

  Dad.

  Heart Attack.

  The next few minutes I don’t remember very well. I have only snapshots and glimpses that they even existed at all.

  Snap Shot: Dorm room. Camille packing my suitcase.

  Snap Shot: Strong arms. Walking through a parking lot.

  Snap Shot: Truck door. Cold leather at my back.

  “Tell me what happened,” I said—or at least I think I said. The voice didn’t sound like me. It was foreign, too far away.

  Briggs took a deep breath and grabbed my limp hand from my la
p. I couldn’t squeeze back, nothing seemed to be attached to me. I was breaking from the inside out.

  “Call your mom first, Shortcake…here. I just spoke to Kai a few minutes ago, and your dad is still in surgery. Your mom needs to know you’re safe,” he said.

  He gave me his phone, my mom answered on the first ring. It was then that my world began to crash.

  Dad could be …

  I wouldn’t think it.

  “Charlie?”

  “Mom? Oh Mom…,” The tears came, wetting my face for the first time.

  “He’s still in surgery, his heart…he needed a triple bypass.”

  I heard the shake in her voice, she was scared. I had never heard my mother like that—not ever. She had sweet southern charm, yes, but she was never weak. Listening to her speak, the lack of strength in her tone, was more frightening than the words that she had said.

  “Oh, Mom…” I whispered.

  Would I get there in time? Would he even know me if he did wake up from this?

  “I need to go…Aunt Jo just got here. I’ll call you when I know more. I need you, Charlie.”

  “I need you too, Mom.”

  I laid the phone down on my lap and sobbed. I didn’t care that I wasn’t alone. I didn’t even care that it was Briggs who with me. I brought my knees up to my chest and turned my head toward the window, pushing the top of the seatbelt under my chin. Everything burned and twisted and sliced. There was not just one source of pain; it was all muddied up together. My sobs became rhythmic, time seemingly irrelevant.

  I wanted sleep to come, to take me away from this nightmare, so that I could trade it in for a different one—one that didn’t hurt my family.

  But sleep wouldn’t come.

  I felt Briggs touch my upper back, rubbing warm circles on the outside of my sweatshirt. It was then that I was glad that he was with me. He had come for me. He had known this pain would cripple me—just like it had when I was five years-old.

  I had felt this pain once before.

  I tried to speak, but my words were soundless. I tried again, but a sob escaped instead. He just kept rubbing my back and driving. We still had two hours left—I recognized the road signs. I unbuckled my seatbelt, and slowly scooted next to him. Immediately, he pulled me closer, grabbing the end of my buckle to click it into place around me. I laid my head on his chest, his arm the anchor that held me in place.

  I closed my eyes and breathed him in.

  I never wanted to move again.

  “He’s strong, Charlie, one of the strongest men I’ve ever known, and he loves you very much. I don’t know what will happen, but I do know that.”

  I nodded against him, feeling my tears overwhelm me once more.

  Then a deep voice filled the cab once more.

  Briggs was praying.

  Briggs

  It had only taken me three hours and ten minutes to get to Austin. Kai, true to his word, had kept me updated during my drive, though his status hadn’t changed.

  Chief was still in surgery.

  It wasn’t until I had pulled onto campus that I realized I didn’t have the foggiest idea how to find her. I parked near the admin building, hoping someone could help me, when I nearly ran into a sign pointing to the Music Hall. I took a chance, taking the steps two by two as I went inside.

  Not even ten seconds later, I saw her.

  Her back had faced me as I entered the room, she was speaking to a young woman with a violin on her lap. For half a second, I forgot why I had come. My memory had not done her justice. I fought the urge to run at her, flatten her against the wall, and kiss her until there was no more air left in the room.

  But as her eyes found me, I remembered.

  I remembered why I was there.

  She had stumbled toward me, as if already expecting the news I was about to deliver. Within seconds, the girl with the violin was at her side, knowing my name before I gave it. She was Camille…Charlie had told me all about her, too. Camille led me to their dorm room, packing a bag for Charlie with superhuman speed.

  As I led her to my truck, Charlie was non-responsive; she was in shock. I saw that face multiple times a week in my profession, and I knew it well.

  I had only one goal: Get Charlie to the hospital safely, and in time.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Charlie

  He was out of surgery when we arrived, but no one had been allowed to see him yet. He was still in recovery—stabilizing. My mom and Aunt Jo were huddled together on a couch in the waiting area, and that’s when sob-attack number fifty-seven came over me.

  Apparently, even when you’ve convinced yourself that you can’t possibly cry one more tear, you can.

  Though I wasn’t completely aware of his presence, I knew Briggs was there, hovering nearby—always. An hour later, my mom and I were ushered back into my dad’s room by a nurse to meet his doctor. Seeing as my mom was so fragile-looking as we entered, I wrapped my arm around her waist. I knew it was time for me to be the strong one.

  “Mrs. Lexington, as you were informed earlier, your husband needed a triple bypass, and though the surgery was routine, there are several precautions we need to take in terms of his recovery—it will be very slow. It’s a good thing he was brought in when he was. We will be monitoring him in the ICU tonight and...”

  The rest was a blur. I couldn’t hear him anymore.

  A triple-bypass? Precautions?

  I leaned around the doctor to look at my dad through the window. The sight made my stomach churn, until I realized…it wasn’t him. This man was an imposter…a man who only resembled my dad. My dad was too strong to be lying in a hospital bed with cords and machines attached to him. My dad was too healthy to be here.

  They had it wrong.

  “That’s not him,” I said, interrupting some new detailed rant from the doctor.

  “Charlie,” my mother crooned as she kissed the top of my head.

  “No, Mom. That’s not dad, look at him!” I demanded.

  Instead, they both looked at me.

  “Maybe you should go get some rest, sweetheart,” mom said. “It’s been a very long day for all of us. I’ll meet you back out in the waiting room, alright?”

  A bubble of laughter seemed to come from some unknown depth within me, shocking everyone nearby, even myself. My laughs were sharp, intense, and high-pitched, but mostly they were just unstoppable.

  This isn’t real.

  I am not really here.

  I was at school, and it was five days before winter break.

  Camille was just telling me about her date with Trey last night.

  Mom had just written me an email about an ornament exchange.

  None of this was real…finally, something made sense.

  Briggs

  “Are you Briggs?” A short older nurse asked me.

  Turning around quickly I nodded at her, “Yes?”

  “Can you come with me? You’re needed.”

  I followed her back through the waiting room, down the hall to the cardiac recovery unit where Mrs. Julie stood. A doctor was next to her, and sitting on the floor by their feet, was Charlie.

  And she was…laughing?

  No…she was hysterical.

  I approached the scene cautiously, looking from the doctor to Mrs. Julie, seeking out answers from their body language. Mrs. Julie looked slightly embarrassed, but the doctor simply looked perturbed. Charlie’s reaction was obviously cramping his style.

  “What’s going on here?” I asked.

  “Charlie’s not…I think she should go home and get some rest before she can come back,” Mrs. Julie said.

  “She’s seems to be experiencing a mild psychotic break…due to stress”—the Doctor looked from me to Mrs. Julie—“she may need to be hospitalized tonight if this continues on, Mrs. Lexington. It’s not necessarily an uncommon reaction, but-”

  “That won’t be necessary. I’ll stay with her tonight. She just needs some time, it’s been a long day, and t
his is all a lot to take in,” I said, scowling at the doctor.

  I ignored his glare, looking to Mrs. Julie. She smiled weakly and nodded. I didn’t hesitate. I picked Charlie up off the floor as she continued laughing on my shoulder. I walked toward the elevator area, and purposely avoided the waiting room. Charlie didn’t need to feel humiliated the next time she saw any of those people.

  **********

  I slipped her keys out of her purse and unlocked the door to her parent’s house. Charlie had been quiet for some time, but I could sense she was still under a significant amount of stress. I supported her into the house, and turned on the main light. She wiggled out from underneath my arm, and headed to the restroom on the first floor. I went to the fridge, searching for something she could eat. I felt like an idiot for not thinking of that before now. It was well after midnight, and I’d been with her since early afternoon. Though I had snacked on several protein bars during my time in the waiting area, I hadn’t seen Charlie eat or drink a thing in all that time.

  I walked into the front room where she sat on the couch, her head resting on the arm.

  “Charlie, you need to eat and drink something before you fall asleep-”

  Too late.

  I set the plate and cup down on the coffee table, and carefully removed her shoes. She didn’t budge. I watched her, having a hard time believing that I was actually standing in a room with her again. It’d been so long—too long. Before I could question it, I slipped off my jacket and carefully stretched out beside her, covering us both with the blanket that rested on the back of the couch. She melted back into the groove of my body, never waking.

  I listened to her quiet, rhythmic breaths, eventually finding sleep of my own.

  I didn’t need to dream about Charlie tonight; this was my dream.

  Charlie

  I woke with a start as a light saber sliced into my eyelids, painfully.

  What the—the sun?

  Why is the sun waking me up?

  Something heavy lay on top of my arm, and my hip ached with stiffness. I pushed myself up into a sitting position, and that’s when I saw him.