Soul Mate (Book One)

by Richard Crawford

  I spend a long time in the shower. When I come out there's no sign of Suki. Jess is sitting at the table sorting the beads. She waves me towards the sofa, still not speaking. I know straight off it's a setup. She wants to suss out the latest fuck up to land on her sofa.

  I sit down. She takes a sip of coffee and watches me over the rim. I hoping she'll at least offer to get me a cup. But she just stares. It starts to piss me off. She puts the coffee down real sudden and reaches for something on the shelf behind her. A pack of cards. A pack of Tarot cards. I go cold at the sight of them, remembering the last time.

  She comes to stand in front of me.

  "Here, shuffle."

  I shake my head. "No thanks. I don't believe in that stuff."

  "For fun," she says, sounding deadly serious.

  "No." She can't know about the ghosts. But it's as if she knows something and it's crazy scary.

  She moves really close and I have to tilt my head to look up at her. She's so thin her wrist bones look like twigs but she doesn't look weak. Close up she smells like welding and that is weird. Her eyes are cornflower blue and flat. She holds the cards so they are nearly touching my nose.

  "Hey, guys."

  Neither of us noticed Suki coming in. She drops two bags of shopping on the side and comes to join us, sort of forcing Jess to back off as she comes to sit beside me.

  "How're you feeling?" she asks.

  "A lot better thanks." It comes out as false as it feels.

  Jess is back at the table, shuffling the cards. "He won't play," she says, looking at Suki. "Says he doesn't believe in this stuff." She sets the cards aside with a thump. "At least your mother would approve."

  "Jess." It's a soft rebuke but somehow Jess has gone too far and it shuts her up. With an, it's your funeral kind of shrug she takes her coffee and disappears towards the back of the boat.

  When she's gone Suki gets up and starts putting the shopping away. "I got more painkillers and some tea and lemon, would you like some?"

  "Coffee will be fine." There has to be a way to clear up the tea thing. I can't keep drinking tea with lemon; it's disgusting. "Thanks for the clothes."

  She looks over her shoulder. "They fit OK?"

  "Yeah, fine." Maybe it's not. Maybe they were Simon's, but I don't ask. It's hard to imagine Mr Prissy in jeans and a shirt so maybe not. Another boyfriend, or maybe left behind by another stray she rescued. It's a creepy thought and I wonder how this went so wrong.

  "Are you hungry?" Suki asks.

  "No, thanks." It's hard to remember when I last ate, but I'm definitely not hungry.

  Suki brings her mug and sits down at the table with the pills. "You can sleep on the sofa," she says. "I'll get you blankets and a pillow."

  I get the weirdest feeling of déjà vu. Like I'm a little kid and sent to a friend's to sleep over because of some unexplained drama at home. She's watching me and all I can think of to say is, "Thanks."

  "There's plenty of food so help yourself. Make yourself at home but." She gestures to the table. "Don't touch Jess's stuff and please don't go in her room."

  The thought of going anywhere near Jess and her shit scares me and it must show.

  Suki grins. "She's not sure about you yet. Just stay out of her way until she gets used to you."

  I'm amazed at how open ended this sounds, as if they just got a new pet and she needs to talk her housemate round, but something bugs me more. Jess has a point; maybe she's even right this time. Of course she's right. But still she goes along with Suki. I have to ask, "She might have a point, you don't know me. How do you know it's going to be OK?"

  Her face goes still. She stares at her coffee. "I always know." It's all she says but something in her voice makes me shiver.

  "Sorry," I say, and wonder if this can get any more awkward.

  She picks up the tarot cards and starts shuffling them. "Do you really think this is all rubbish?" she asks without looking at me.

  And without hesitation I say, "Of course it's rubbish."

  Chapter Seven

  I'm still asleep when Jess starts rattling pans and making enough noise to wake the dead. I sit up and groan. It still hurts to move. "Morning," I say and reach for a shirt.

  Jess checks the clock. "Just about."

  It's 10.30am. I feel like going back to sleep just to annoy her, but I know from two mornings experience she'll make sure I can't. So I get up; scoop the blankets and pillow up and shove them in the storage space under the sofa. If I don't Jess will moan. Then I head for the bathroom.

  I take my time, partly because I'm still sore as hell and partly hoping that Jess will be gone when I come out. As well as making her jewellery and selling it on the market, Jess does sculpture or welding or something. She makes metal animals.

  I'm hoping she's gone off to her workshop, but when I come out she's at the table with a mug of coffee.

  I head for the kitchen to get my own coffee. Jess watches me like a cat with a mouse.

  "Perhaps today you'll feel well enough to do the washing up," she says.

  "Sure, Jess," I say, "Anything for you."

  She just glares at me. I did the washing up last night, but that's not the point. She always finds something to bitch about. I've been on the boat three days and it's clear Jess isn't changing her mind about me. It doesn't help that I won't touch her bloody tarot cards and, like a dog with a bone, she won't let it go. The cards are sitting on the table now, pointed at me like a loaded gun.

  Seeing she's settled there I take my coffee outside and sit on a deckchair by the towpath. There's no sun and the clouds are low, it's sort of hot and breathless as if a storm is coming.

  I think about leaving but I don't know how I will see Suki again when I go. Despite Jess's bitching, things have been going well with Suki. I've got to know a bit about her. She's an artist too, but she paints. She shares a studio with a couple of friends from art school. That's how she met Simon. He's an art dealer and her ex boyfriend from art school days. I still can't quite picture them together, not that I want to.

  Suki's dad's dead and her mum is into self sufficiency and has a market garden in some place I've never heard of, some remote village out in the county. They don't seem to see each other much. There's something weird with Suki and her mum. Suki won't talk about it and I can't work it out. It's funny, but for a girl who seems to be an open book, there's a lot she doesn't let on about.

  Of course I don't talk about anything. I tell her stories about life on the street, but I don't tell her how it really is. She asks how I ended up on the street and I either say, it's not a nice story, or I say it was the booze. Now she's stopped asking. Some part of me wishes she hadn't, that I'd said something. But what the can I say. When she asks about my family, I tell her they are dead, which is a lie, in one way at least. But with the Atlantic between us, I'm pretty sure she's not going to run into them. I feel bad about it but once you admit to family then the story gets more complicated. I don't mention Danny.

  It's a mess and all the time I know that bad stuff is rising a bit closer to the surface. It's just not easy to find the words. And sure as fuck she'll think I'm crazy if I tell her about the ghosts. After a few days without them I start to think I made it all up. But the memory of the last ghost still nags at me. I wonder how he died.

  Suki hasn't said anything but I know I should move on. The ghosts have been quiet and it might be because I got messed up, it's happened that way before. But I like to think it's because of Suki. I feel like being near her makes a difference. Soppy shit, I know.

  Or perhaps it's over with the ghosts. Everyone gets to earn forgiveness eventually, right?

  ####

  Jess stays in, and I end up sitting outside most of the day. Suki comes back at about 3pm with a load of shopping. I've offered her the money I have left but she won't take it and I know that bugs Jess.

  I help Suki put the shopping away. Jess watches us and makes snarky remarks about how expensive it is to have a large pe
t. When we're done Suki looks at me and says, "Let's go for a walk, Tommy."

  Jess laughs and opens her mouth to make a comment, but Suki throws her a look and she shuts up. I start to get the picture.

  We walk down the towpath heading out towards the country. Gradually the boats fall behind us and the houses give way to fields. Trains rumble by. Suki is too quiet and I know this is hard for her. She's going to ask me to leave.

  I should say something, make it easier, but I just keep walking.

  "Tommy," she sounds anxious. "You're feeling a lot better now?"

  "Yeah, great thanks."

  She laughs. I still look like shit and move like an old man.

  "I did something and I hope you won't be mad," she says.

  I can't think of anything she could do that would make me mad, but I stop and look at her, so I can see it coming. "What?" I say it a bit sharp. Too much bad news and you get that way.

  "I got you a job," she says. "Washing-up."

  It's the last thing I'm expecting, and she has me so wound-up I just stand and stare at her.

  "The pay's not much." Suki looks anxious. "But I thought it would be a start and you could stay on the boat for a while. You'd have to pay a bit towards food and stuff, to keep Jess onside and it won't be forever, there just isn't room but…." she sort of blushes. "I thought you'd like to stay."

  "Yes," I say it before she can change her mind. I don't mind about the job. It won't last long if the ghosts come back, but maybe they won't. "Thanks," I say and I would really like to kiss her but I don't.

  We walk back really slow and she tells me about the job. It's at a restaurant where one of her friends is a waitress. I can see how this might get awkward but I don't want to think about that. She asks me what other jobs I've had and I tell her a funny story about working as a waiter. I was the worst waiter ever, mostly because I was pissed all the time, but I don't say too much about that.

  Jess has gone out when we get back and we make spaghetti together. Then we sit on the couch and watch some stupid thing she likes on the TV.

  The old house and the ghosts feel a million miles away.

  ####

  Three days later and it's all still good. The job's OK. The restaurant, Michel's, is French but not too expensive. The chef is a bit of a maniac, but all I have to worry about is keeping up with the washing up. I help out with fetching stuff from storage and keep everything mopped up. I only work the lunchtime shift so I'm done by three.

  Jess still pretty much ignores me so when I get back I hang outside. The weather's nice so it's no problem. But I need to find a way to change her mind; it's starting to matter because me and Suki we're getting on really well.

  I'm lying in the meadow nearly asleep when Suki comes out to find me. I'm lying with my hands behind my head and she lies down really close so every time she moves she's sort of brushing against me. She's close enough that I could put my arm round her but I don't.

  "Tell me about your family," she says.

  I don't say anything for a while. Part of me is thinking she's not exactly opened up about her mum. But the last couple of days I've been trying to work up to telling her about the ghosts. Before something happens. And because I need to tell someone and she deserves to know. I have to start somewhere, so I say, "My dad was an alcoholic." I have trouble getting the words out. "It wasn't so bad. He kept it under control, pretty much. My mother helped. We never had booze in the house." It doesn't seem much of a revelation and I force myself to finish. "I didn't even know until it was too late."

  She's silent for a while until she says, "How, too late?"

  "I didn't drink till I went to college." It doesn't sound like any big deal. "When I started it got pretty bad pretty quick." And just like that we're at the cliff's edge and I can't say anything. I'm praying she won't ask what happened because that shadow is darker than the ghosts.

  As always she seems to understand. I'm beginning to think she knows about the darkness. We're quiet for a while, lying really close, and it feels to me that we're more and more aware of each other.

  "How's it going at Michel's?" she asks, her voice light and teasing.

  "It's good. No problem." It's true as long as the ghosts stay away. "Maria helps me out, tells me what winds the chef up, what I can do to keep on his good side."

  "Maria's nice."

  There's something in the way she says it. I glance across and say, "Yeah, she's hot."

  Suki elbows me in the ribs. "She's my friend."

  "What difference does that make to her being hot?"

  She does it again harder and I moan and make a fuss like she hurt me. She's not fooled but somehow we end up lying even closer so we're touching all along one side.

  I pull a stalk of grass and tickle her nose with it. She shoves me off and we laugh and roll around a bit. We settle back down and I tickle her with the grass again, tracing it round her chin and over her lips. I sit up and trail it down her neck, and follow the long silver chain lower until it disappears beneath her shirt and I can't go further.

  She's looking up at me, waiting.

  There's a gap between her shirt and jeans waistband from where we've been tussling. I lean closer and stroke the grass over her exposed skin. Suki shivers then lays very still. Her lips are parted a little. I want to kiss her so much but I'm sort of frozen.

  When I don't move, Suki raises her eyebrows and grins. She reaches up and grabs my shirt. I drop the grass and my hand moves on its own, sliding up beneath her shirt. She smiles and tugs, pulling me closer.

  I'm going to kiss her, or she's going to kiss me, our lips are touching when a shadow falls over us.

  "Hey, guys." Simon's two paces away. I don't know how much he can see but his voice has an edge.

  I'd like to ignore him but I see Suki's face and let her go. She touches my arm and sits up. I stay on my side with my back to Simon as he says,

  "Suke, I need a word." He says it as if he owns her.

  "What is it, Simon?" She's trying not to laugh and I feel better.

  "Gallery stuff, in private please," he snaps the words out.

  "OK." Suki stands up and turns to offer me her hand. She smiles as she tugs me up, like she's telling me we're not done.

  Simon does that thing where he takes her arm. They head for the boat and I follow, just to piss him off. It's stupid really. When we get inside he sort of blocks my way. He takes out a twenty and says, "Get us some beer and pizza, mate."

  I want to stuff the twenty up his ass but I smile to piss him off. As I'm turning away Suki says, "You don't need to bother with the beer."

  I know she means well, but it brings me down that she says it in front of him. I shoot her a look saying I'm not that much of a loser and go out without saying goodbye or anything.

  Outside I stand and look back. I feel like a jerk. Looks as if Simon won that one. Maybe that's what he wanted. Who sends an alky to get beer, right?

  I'm all the way to the shop before I notice the itch in my head.

  I try to pretend it's not there. But it's fishhook bad already and I'm thinking it's been there a while. I think, no, please, not now. But it doesn't make any difference to the ghosts.

  Chapter Eight

  The ghosts are angry. I feel it even though I'm standing in the garden outside the house. It's dark. The house waits, cloaked in shadows, trying to drag me in. I stand among the weeds and set myself to resist, but the pull is growing with each breath I take, stretching me like a rubber band until my skin prickles and my head throbs. I think of Suki and that's all that's holding me here.

  I know I can't win against the ghosts, but I think of Suki and fight. I don't know what time it is but I don't have long left.

  I'm sliding under the front door before I even realise I've moved. The stairs creak a familiar welcome and I shudder. The room's waiting for me, stinking and full of menace. Once I'm inside everything is gone but the fear. There are so many hungry ghosts. I don't remember it being this bad. I don't even
get a chance to hide. They come for me and I'm tossed between them like a cat with a mouse. I slam up against the wall and the ghosts cover me. There are too many, heavy as wet blankets. I can't breathe. One pushes at my lips and slides inside my mouth. The first one's in me but there are so many and they are so angry.

  I'm drowning in ghosts.

  I wake up lying against the wall. I hurt. A ghost has charge but we don't move. We just lay there until I start to get scared that something is wrong. If I can't move and the ghost won't move, what's going to happen? I'm lying awkwardly, my head twisted and one leg bent underneath me and already it's going dead. I think perhaps I'm dead and this scream starts building inside my head, but I can't make a sound.

  My hand moves. It scrabbles at the wall. I feel the ghost struggling with my body as if it's too heavy, and the ghost doesn't remember how to do this. It seems to take hours for the ghost to get us upright. We stand there and it's as if the ghost's not properly in control. The balance is wrong. I feel wobbly like we might fall over again, but I'm shut out. There's nothing I can do. I wonder what the hell is going on, this has never happened before. The ghosts might take a bit of time to get used to being in control. They might be a bit clumsy for a while. But it's like this one can't manage at all.

  With an awkward jerk, my head turns and we look round the room. The ghost shivers and I can tell it's not liking this at all. We look down at my body. I think the ghost can feel the bruises. The ghost touches a hand to our face and says, "Oh dear." The ghost looks at my clothes and says, "Oh dear, this isn't what I expected."

  By the time we make it outside, I'm starting to think the ghost is an old lady. A really old lady. I don't get too many really old ghosts. I don't know why, maybe they've had time to sort things out, not so much unfinished business. Or perhaps when they're really old they just don't care anymore. Perhaps they can't remember anything to care about. Who knows? I've got other things to worry about.