Handle Me

by Kira Sinclair

  “You’re leaving.”

  It wasn’t a question. Maybe she’d heard his end of the conversation. Or maybe she was just damned smart and had jumped to the same conclusion he had when his phone had rung in the middle of the night.

  Twisting his head, Ty took her in. She’d grabbed the quilt draped across the back of the sofa and wrapped it around her body. Ty really wished she hadn’t done that. He wanted to see her one last time.

  Moonlight washed across her dark hair, giving the soft, rumpled curls a silvery glow. Her green eyes shimmered, not with heat or happiness—like she deserved—but with anger. He couldn’t exactly blame her.

  He’d promised her a week away and was bailing on her.

  “I’m needed for a mission.”

  A low growl rolled up through her chest. On the other side of the room, Kaia’s ears pricked at the noise. It startled them both, that fierce expression of Van’s unhappiness. Especially when her face was as passive and blank as a calm lake.

  He reached for her. Van jerked back, making sure he was too far away to connect with her. “Don’t.”

  At first, he thought she meant don’t touch. Until she continued.

  “Don’t go, Ty. Please, don’t. You can’t go back there.”

  Ty took two steps toward her, trying to close the gap between them. But Van countered by scrambling backward, several quick, stuttering steps that were more emotion fueled than finesse.

  He held out his hands, like he would with a riled dog. “I have to, Van. You knew I was going back.”

  “No. You can’t.”

  Tears hit her eyes, making them glisten in the half darkness. They were wide and clear, gorgeous and broken. Ty wanted nothing more than to wrap her in his arms and promise everything was going to be fine.

  And he started to say the words. But the flash of memory, Ryan’s broken body, had him swallowing them back. His buddy had been laughing, secure in the knowledge that they were in no danger.

  War zones held no promises.

  “Van.”

  * * *

  HE CALLED HER NAME. She heard so much yearning in that single word. She wanted it all. More. And he was going to take it all away from her.

  She’d known, the minute Ryan came home, a huge grin on his face, so proud that he’d joined the army along with his best friend; Van had known.

  A cold rush of grief had washed over her.

  She’d known then, at sixteen, that the military would take Ryan’s life.

  Just as she knew right now, standing in the little log cabin, that if Ty left he’d never come back.

  She’d been telling herself for days not to get in too deep. Not to let herself feel or care.

  That was impossible.

  In a few brief seconds, Van’s gaze roamed across Ty’s face, down his body and back to the gorgeous gray-blue eyes that haunted her dreams.

  She couldn’t take it. She couldn’t stand to lose him, too.

  “Don’t go. Please. I’m begging you. Stay. There has to be a way. If you go...” The words clogged in her throat, but she had to find a way to push them out. To make him understand. “You won’t come back.”

  Ty moved closer, crowding into her personal space, but not actually touching her. Neck bent, he stared down at her with that intense, slightly haunted expression he always carried. It was as much a part of him as his blue eyes and the ink that covered his skin. But she couldn’t take it. Not right now.

  Van turned her head away, staring out the window at the beautiful night. How could the distant mountains and the sliver of silver-black sky be so gorgeous when her body felt ready to crumble in on itself?

  “Don’t do this, Van,” Ty whispered. “Don’t do this to yourself. I’ll be fine.”

  Panic welled up from deep inside, a rotten sludge that invaded everything, too powerful to ignore or combat. “No, you won’t. I fight death every day, Ty. And most of the time I win. But I wasn’t there when Ryan needed me. I won’t be there when you need me...and neither will Ryan. We both know he was your voice of reason. You’re wild and love to ride the edge of danger. You get off on it.”

  Ty made a sound deep in his throat, but Van ignored him. What she was saying was too important. She needed him to hear.

  “You’ve always been that way. It’s breathtaking and terrifying all at once. I’ve watched you my entire life. You’re fearless and I envy you that inhibition. That ability to look at a situation and not see the potential for pain and suffering the way I do, but rather see it as an obstacle to overcome. A challenge that you can conquer.

  “The way you view the world is even more of a gift because your childhood should have taught you to be afraid. To be cautious and careful. But you can’t win every time. You’ve been lucky your entire life. Even when everything went to shit, you always found a way out—”

  “So trust that I’ll be able to do that again.”

  She shook her head. Her eyes stung, her nose tingled. But she refused to let the tears win. She would not show a moment of weakness when she needed to be her strongest.

  “I can’t. Do you know why I work in the ER?”

  “Because you’re a brilliant doctor and you get the chance to save lives.”

  “I could do that as a surgeon. As a cardiologist. Hell, more often than not my job requires me to deal with idiots and crazies. But every once in a while, I do get to save a life, which makes the weird and frustrating aspects of the job totally worth it.

  “But most of all, I work in the ER because I don’t have to care. Not really. Not for long. The patient gets rushed into my trauma room and I jump into action. It’s me and my instincts and training against a foe that I refuse to let win. And when I succeed, I send the patient on their way. I don’t have to learn their life history. I don’t have to spend countless hours with their family.”

  “You don’t have to invest.”

  “Exactly. And I like it that way because when the worst happens, I don’t have to feel the pain down in my bones.”

  Ty moved closer. One hand settled on her hip, the other wrapped around the curve of her neck, his thumb slipping rhythmically across the base of her throat.

  He was so close. So tempting. She could feel the heat of him. His scent surrounded her. It would be so easy to just...give in. To let herself melt against him and let his soothing touch take away all the fear and anxiety.

  But it would only last a few minutes, and when the moment was over he’d still be out the door.

  And she’d be alone.

  “How’s that working out for you?”

  “Pretty good, actually. Or it was until you swooped back into my life.”

  She wanted to touch him, but knew that was a bad idea. So, Van let her arms hang loosely at her sides, curling her fingers into her palm in an attempt to keep them from wrapping into his chest and pulling him near.

  “Van,” he whispered, dipping closer so he could touch his lips to hers.

  Turning her head, she let his mouth glance off her jaw instead. “If you walk out that door that’s the end of this.”

  The words physically hurt. They felt like pushing broken glass through her parched throat. But they had to be said.

  “I can’t be left with no one in my bed and a yard full of dogs to remind me, Ty. I won’t. And if you care anything for me at all, you won’t ask me to do that.”

  Ty’s forehead pressed against her throat. She heard his harsh breathing, felt the erratic puffs of air slamming against her skin. His body was tense, a solid wall pressed tight against her.

  And then it wasn’t. All the tension just...slipped away. And for a brief moment she thought maybe she’d won. That he’d heard what she’d said and understood.

  As much as there was a part of her that hated herself for making that ultimatum, s
he knew there was no way she could survive if he left again. Living each day on the edge of disaster, waiting for that visit when someone would tell her that her world had been blown apart a second time.

  She was selfish. But if that selfishness saved his life it would be worth it.

  Ty stepped back. His movements were reluctant and slow, but the moment she caught the expression on his face, her moment of relief vanished.

  His face was a blank canvas. She couldn’t read anything there, and that made a trill of panic race down her spine.

  “How quickly can you be ready to go? I’ll arrange a flight for you and Kaia to get home. Can your parents pick you up in San Antonio? Or do you want me to arrange for a car?”

  The pain that lanced through her was so sharp Van was certain she had to be bleeding. Every breath hurt, until the best she could do was pull in quick, shallow draws of air. Not nearly enough.

  He was leaving.

  And there was nothing more she could do or say to stop him.

  16

  THE RIDE TO the airport was interminable. Several times, Van almost went back on her ultimatum. But each time she started, Kaia would make a sound or move and she would be reminded all over again what was at stake.

  She was weak, but she couldn’t live the life Ty needed her to.

  They’d had an amazing few days. And that was the extent of what they’d share.

  He was quiet and stoic. He didn’t even try to kiss her. He simply checked her and Kaia into their flight, handed her the boarding passes and left her outside the security checkpoint.

  He didn’t even look back.

  That, more than anything, had really hurt.

  The minute Van got back, she threw herself into work. Staying late, arriving early. Barking orders and generally deteriorating into a foul mood.

  Her parents were spending more time with Kaia than she was, but every time she came home and curled up with the dog another fresh wave of grief would take over.

  The only time she could escape was when she was elbows deep into work.

  A few days slipped into a week. She was bleary-eyed and exhausted, but unable to stop pushing herself...or her team.

  “What the hell were you thinking?” she hollered at the resident currently trying to disappear into the wall behind her. “Do you realize your carelessness could have cost that man his life?”

  “I—” The poor girl’s words were cut off before she’d barely begun to explain.

  “There are no excuses. Mixing these medications could have disastrous results. This is something you should know as a second-year resident. Where’s your head, Abby? You’re better than this.”

  “I didn’t pull that out, Dr. Cantrell. You did,” she finally managed to whisper against Van’s tirade.

  What the hell was she talking about?

  A harsh hand wrapped around her arm, jerking Van sideways. She spun to face whoever was trying to manhandle her only to realize the entire staff had stopped what they were doing and were staring at her in sympathetic disbelief.

  And Tina was scowling at her, eyes flashing and pissed.

  “Come with me, Dr. Cantrell.”

  This wasn’t her friend talking, it was her boss. The tone of voice made it clear she didn’t have a choice in the matter.

  Sweeping a hard glance over the staff, Van waited for them to get back to work, then let out a sigh. Some of the anger roiling off Tina vanished, replaced by sympathy tinged with irritation.

  Her hold loosened as she guided Van down the hallway and into her office.

  Instead of settling behind the desk at the far end of the room, Tina led them to a pair of armchairs tucked close to the window.

  It was bright outside, sunlight streaming through the windows. Van realized she didn’t even know what day it was, let alone what time.

  Shit, how long had she been here?

  “It goes without saying that you’re going to take some time off.”

  “I just did that.”

  “And apparently it didn’t do the trick. Instead of coming back relaxed, you came back wound tighter than a spring ready to blow. I kept hoping that whatever had you spun up would resolve itself, but it’s obvious that’s not going to happen. So why don’t you tell me what happened while you were away? What happened to the guy who was in here? The one you were gaga over.”

  “I was not gaga over him.”

  A soft burst of laughter erupted from Tina’s mouth.

  “Please. It was the talk of the ER for days. No one had ever seen you like that. You wouldn’t leave his side. It was obvious he was important to you. Who was he?”

  “No one.”

  Tina shook her head. “Fine. If you don’t want to talk to me about it, I’m going to have to require you speak to the staff counselor before I let you back on duty.”

  “What?” Van jumped to her feet, anger and disbelief flushing her skin a deep red.

  Tina just calmly stared up at her. “Sit down, Van. You just erroneously screamed at a resident for a mistake that could have cost a patient his life. You weren’t wrong about the mistake, just who was responsible. Luckily, the mix-up was caught. But that doesn’t change the fact that you’re clearly distracted and upset, and it’s affecting your ability to do your job. That’s not like you. You’re one of the best doctors I have on staff. So, please. Sit down.”

  Gritting her teeth, Van did as she was told. What else could she do at this point?

  Tina’s tone softened and she leaned forward in her chair. “I’m worried about you. You’ve been riding the team so hard they’re starting to grumble. And in all the time you’ve been on the staff I’ve never heard one single complaint from anyone about how you treat your team. In fact, everyone wants to work with you because you’re so calm and efficient. You let everyone do their jobs without trying to micromanage. You correct mistakes with understanding and an affinity for teaching.

  “That history is what’s preventing me from writing you up for that display out there with Abby. I know this job can be stressful, but you’ve never been one to let it get to you that way. So, my only assumption is that whatever’s bothering you is coming from outside these walls. You can confide in me. Or you can confide in our counselor, but you will talk to someone, Van, before whatever’s going on burns a bridge you can’t repair. Or costs someone their life, something I know you’d never forgive yourself for.”

  Van’s jaw snapped shut. Anger boiled in her veins. But Tina simply waited.

  And suddenly, the anger was gone, replaced by the pain and grief it had poorly masked.

  The tears she hadn’t let herself shed since coming home suddenly erupted like a geyser.

  Aside from offering her a box of tissue, Tina didn’t react. She simply let Van work through the emotions on her own. And when the sobs finally began to subside, she asked in a soft, understanding voice, “Want to talk about it?”

  They’d been friends and colleagues for years, were close enough that Tina had invited Van over for a backyard barbecue last summer. But they’d never been spill-your-guts-out friends.

  Van realized she didn’t have any of those. Well, besides Ty.

  At the thought of his name more tears threatened, but she shoved them back.

  She wanted that. Wanted girlfriends she could gossip with, meet for drinks now and again, and confide in. When had her life gotten so lonely? When had her goals and her work become a poor substitute for living?

  With halting words, peppered with hiccups and a few touch-and-go moments when the tears threatened, she shared the entire story with Tina, including her rocky history with Ty and how she’d blamed him for Ryan’s life choices and ultimately his death—at least for a little while.

  Tina listened, interjecting with questions and comments here and there. But for
the most part, she let Van talk. Words she hadn’t even realized were pent up inside, begging to burst free, slid out. Thoughts she hadn’t let herself truly form found voice.

  And when it was done she felt so much better.

  And so much worse.

  Because it was clear to her that she’d made a terrible mistake. She’d let the fear of losing Ty, of experiencing that loss and finding herself utterly alone, push him away.

  Accomplishing what she dreaded most.

  “You love him.”

  Tina’s words weren’t a question, but Van answered anyway with a nod of her head and a quiet, “Yes.”

  Tina’s lips twisted into a smile. “We see enough pain and suffering on a daily basis, Van. I don’t know about you, but that’s taught me to appreciate beauty when I have it in front of me. None of us are guaranteed anything, not even a tomorrow. Also another lesson I’ve learned working here. Don’t let fear paralyze you and rob you of something wonderful. Take it while you have it. Enjoy it when you can. And then cherish the moments you were given if it’s ever taken away.”

  God, she was right. So right.

  An overwhelming urge to jump out of the chair and race for the first plane she could catch consumed her. But the restless energy had no outlet because it wasn’t like she could chase after Ty into a war zone.

  Even if she could get into the country, Van had no clue where Ty was actually stationed.

  “I screwed up.”

  “Mmm” was Tina’s only comment.

  “I don’t even know if he cares about me that way. I told him to leave. And he did.”

  “Luckily, life is full of second, third and fourth chances. I saw the way that man watched you when he was in here. If I had my guess, he cares about you quite a bit. Besides, does it matter? Even if he doesn’t, don’t you deserve to know one way or the other?”

  She definitely did. Pulling her cell out of the pocket of her lab coat, Van didn’t hesitate, knowing if she did she might lose her nerve. She loaded Ty’s contact and hit Call.

  Elephants began stomping in her belly, churning it up and making her feel queasy. The connection took several seconds, longer than normal, but it finally started ringing. And rang and rang before his voice mail kicked in.