A Merry Marry Christmas

by Trey Martini

  "FBI? New York. Now I am confused. Maybe it's the wine."

  Meryl's eyes show kindness and wisdom within. "It's not much clearer without the wine, believe me. "Alan and Chen went to New York after Tony. They followed him to that judges' conference thinking that he had planned some romantic liaison there. Bernie and Alan have been tailing Tony, even bugging him at home and at work for weeks. You can laugh at this…"

  "I need a good laugh."

  "Bernie wants into your briefs–and I don’t mean manila folders. He figured if he caught Tony cheating on you he could get you on the rebound. And to try and nail Tony he has used every dirty trick in the book–to say he broke the law would be an understatement. He used the same tricks he's been using everywhere for years. But this time the FBI was with him side by side, observing and documenting and recording each and every violation. Bernie will be out of our hair for a very long time. He wanted you so much he was willing to risk everything."

  Claire groans, "I'm sorry Meryl. I never led him on. I did everything but mace him. I don't know why he would ever think I'd…" Claire is embarrassed. "I'm sorry, I don't…"

  Meryl is understanding. "Don't worry about hurting me. I'm bulletproof by now. Bernie just had to know whether Tony cheats on you. He even wanted to come with me today but I made him a 3-martini lunch and left when he passed out. I took his car keys and left him asleep at home. The FBI should have found him and taken him into custody by now."

  "Oh Meryl, I’m so sorry."

  "Don’t be. He’s had it coming to him for a very long time and, thanks to my father, I was ready for the worst."

  Claire takes Meryl's hands now and looks at her, woman to woman. "Why’d Bernie think Tony was cheating? Is there something I should know–should have known?"

  Meryl speaks as softly as the waves will allow. "A few weeks ago, Bernie apparently heard you on the phone chiding Tony for not being attentive enough. That got him wondering. You're a very attractive woman, Claire. Bernie thought the only explanation for what he heard was that Tony was fooling around."

  Claire groans again and shakes her head.

  "Bernie sent Alan and their spy team to New York to see what Tony does this weekend and they’ve had Tony under constant surveillance ever since you mentioned the trip. All this spying has not been cheap. Bernie and Alan have been diverting the expenses to other cases, especially the Steele divorce."

  "I’ve never heard anything crazier…"

  "I could tell some stories about the things those two have done…and if I have any more of this wine I still might."

  "So what did they find about Tony?"

  Meryl's look was sad as she faced Claire. "Tony had been entirely faithful."

  "Had been?"

  "You can say they forced him into a situation no man could refuse."

  Claire is sad again. "Who was it? Tony's clerk Maureen?"

  "Oh no. Never Maureen. And Tony was pushed over the edge with the help of 2 Viagra and a very talented masseur. Even then you could say it wasn't really sex if you're a Clinton supporter. The morning after the Saison Hotel party–Jacques, you remember Jacques–posed as an IT tech and gave Tony a special massage. You found Jacques very attractive, I assume."

  "What woman wouldn't? Yikes." Claire laughs at the image in her head.

  Meryl shares the laugh. "Nobody could resist Jacques. We both know that. That staged encounter led Bernie to think Tony could have a man in his life. They followed Tony this weekend in case they got lucky. Or more precisely in case Tony got lucky at the conference."

  Claire thinks aloud now. "There was a man. Before we married. Roommates but I always had a feeling there was more."

  "So you knew. Or at least suspected?"

  "About Tony and Bill? I was never sure. Call it denial. We were at Yale together. You mean all this time…."

  "No. As I said, Tony was apparently faithful all these years. Bill just ran into him somehow–maybe at the conference–and they reconnected a few hours ago. It seems that the session Bernie arranged with Jacques may have rekindled something in Tony."

  Claire explains the history a little more. "They were living together, Tony and Bill. Roommates, I thought. They had a fight I never really understood. I guess I was the home wrecker. I took what I wanted and what I wanted was Tony. All the years I lived with Tony I guess I never really knew him. So what–how–do I tell the kids?"

  "First of all, we don't know for sure what has really happened with Tony and Bill. I don't have details, except that they ran into each other somehow. Bill is a member of the New York Bar, so they could have met at the conference. Bill actually practices as a psychiatrist and does some expert witness work. Maybe there's nothing to tell the kids. Let's just wait and see. We can break the news to them later if we have to. Let ‘s see what happens this weekend. Later we can digest any news we get slowly. And tell the kids if it’s necessary."

  "We? I should tell them myself–or with Tony. This really isn’t your business. I don’t mean to be rude…"

  "Teenagers are selfish. They’ll try to hurt you. Having a referee will make it easier. I raised our three while Bernie screwed around–I learned a bit."

  "I don’t know…"

  "Let’s wait until Sunday when Tony’s on the plane. We’ll know more by then. You shouldn’t talk to Tony before Chen explains the issues related to the law firm."

  "Chen? Our Chen?"

  "The FBI’s James Chen. He’s a very kind man. He’ll tell Tony on Saturday. He’s educated for exactly this–a J.D. and a Ph.D. in psychology."

  Claire shakes her head and groans. "No. When I think of the times I’ve been rude to him."

  "Oh, don’t worry. He’s used to much worse than anything you've ever dished at him."

  Claire is blunt. "I don’t understand."

  "He's married to a fiery Irish prosecutor."

  "Do I know her?"

  "Him. And I believe you do."

  CHAPTER 25

  Upper West Side, Manhattan

  Tony and Liam roar around the corner on 71st and pull up a short distance from Liam's home. As they get near, Liam stops abruptly. Buddy is inside the brownstone and furious barking can be heard through an open window upstairs.

  Liam pulls back on Tony’s elbow and stops him. "Hold on a minute."

  "What’s up? What’s that banging?"

  "That was my front door."

  A tall dark man in soccer shorts is kicking in Liam’s front door. He is Carlos Pauzoa, the young husband of Anna Lund. The door’s glass insert shatters and sends a shard thru the shoe into Carlos’ instep. Carlos takes off his shoe to look, steps on more glass and screams.

  Liam takes charge. "Stay back. Here, take my phone."

  "Should I call the cops?"

  "Not yet. Just relax. Besides, the police only come when there's a murder in progress."

  Tony won't give up. "A kick with those cleats could kill."

  "I know the guy. Don’t worry."

  Tony reddens. "He’s not…"

  Liam laughs. "He's the husband of a patient. I'll be right back," Liam kisses Tony tenderly, "I like it when you get jealous. Be ready to run. Looks like he cut his foot pretty bad. Lucky for us. That should slow him down in case he still wants to chase us." Liam walks slowly to where Carlos sits on the stairs bleeding badly. "Let me help, I’m a doctor."

  Carlos looks up–still raging. "You. It’s you–some doctor. The doctor who’s fucking my wife."

  Carlos picks up the cleated shoe and ferociously throws it at Liam, grazing his head. Blood spurts. Buddy barks louder, smelling and sensing the blood from 20 feet away.

  Liam speaks calmly, with one finger pressed against the vein over his eye. "No way I’m screwing your wife, Carlos. Anna loves you. I can prove it. Besides, I’m gay."

  Carlos is not convinced. "You want proof, look at these." With the second cleat in one hand, Carlos throws several pictures at Liam. They show Anna grabbing Liam’s crotch a few nights before.

  Lia
m is good at keeping his cool in a crisis. You can do anything with pictures, Carlos. I record my sessions with Anna. We can go inside and play them back now if you calm down. You can hear everything Anna says about you. Nobody could fake her voice. I'll play the last session. You can hear her say that she loves you and wants to have your baby." Liam reaches for Carlos' hand. "Let me fix up your foot and we can go upstairs and listen to her."

  Carlos holds his cleat like he’ll throw it next.

  Liam is gentle. "Come on in. I’ll stop the bleeding. You can listen to Anna say how much she loves you and then you can hear her cry when she says she wants your baby."

  "My baby?" Carlos sobs and lets the cleat go. Tony jogs over to help and throws the cleat out of reach.

  He calls out to Tony for help, "Come on, let’s carry him in. Down the stairs, toward the pool."

  Buddy continues to bark protectively.

  "I can’t swim. And that dog…"

  "That dog won't bite. And we're not going swimming. We'll just soak your foot in the chlorinated water from the hot tub and clean you up first there. It'll be faster. And I can get a good look at the wound in the pool lights."

  Liam calls to Buddy. "OK Buddy. It's OK sit. The barking stops. Buddy stay."

  Liam turns to Carlos. "Wait one minute." Liam turns and looks up to Leila Logan and Kelty O’Reilly as they watch from the bedroom window. "You two, get down here and clean up this mess." When they back away, he motions sternly for them to come down.

  Liam turns to Tony for help. "Here Tony, let's join arms, hands at the elbows." Tony pitches in. "Carlos, one arm around my shoulders. And a finger here on my vein to stop the blood." They take Carlos down and sit him on the pool edge.

  Liam jumps in the water to check out Carlos’ foot in the bright pool lights. Tony pulls out a clean handkerchief and a Swiss Army knife which includes a magnifying lens.

  "Always the Boy Scout, thanks."

  Liam looks over the wound carefully. "This helps. Doesn't look so bad." Liam pulls out a single jagged splinter and motions to Tony. "Hold the cloth here–tight. I'll go get the first aid kit."

  Tony moves in and keeps pressure on the wound.

  Carlos looks closer at Tony. "Who are you?"

  For the first time, Tony introduces himself properly. "I’m Liam’s lover, Tony Morrelli.

  Carlos panics and tries to pull away. Tony has to laugh. "Don’t worry, you’re the one that’s bleeding, not me."

  Carlos realizes his foolishness and apologizes.

  Liam comes back with a first aid kit. Following him are Leila Logan and Kelty O’Reilly. Liam gets to work on Carlos after hastily bandaging his own head.

  Carlos checks out the two girls. "Who are they?"

  Liam is angry. "Neighbor girls, I believe they sent you some pictures." Liam nods to Leila. "This is Anna’s husband. He just tried to kill me. You know why. Give me your phone."

  Leila is too entitled to be afraid of anything. "It’s upstairs."

  Liam calls her out. "Liar. Give me your phone. Now." Leila gives up the phone. Liam takes it and throws it in the pool. Leila starts to cry.

  "Now go sober up your mother and have her get someone over here to fix the door–now!"

  Leila is mortified. "We’re so sorry."

  "Bullshit. You're sorry you got caught. There’s a broom in the closet over there. Clean up the glass. Call your maid if you want. But clean it. Do it now." Leila makes a face in response. Liam gets madder. "I said now. Or I'll call your teachers. All of them."

  "You don’t know my teachers," Leila shows the stubborn streak of the entitled.

  "I know all the counselors at Walton and treat half the mothers of your friends. Want me to tell the postal service too? That would be a Federal offense."

  Leila’s peaches-and-cream complexion goes white. The two girls rush to clean up.

  Liam turns to Carlos. "Your foot will be fine. But see your team doctor tonight for an exam to make sure I got all the glass. You can tell him you stepped on a bottle jogging in Central Park. My patient recordings are upstairs. We can carry you. Let’s go listen to Anna now."

  Carlos interrupts. "I want to see you two kiss."

  "What?" Liam doesn't get it.

  "When I asked Tony who he was, he said he was your lover. I want to see you kiss. Prove it."

  Liam and Tony get a good laugh from the challenge. Liam steps up to Tony and presses their bodies hard together. "Watch closely. Use this technique on Anna every day."

  Where the girls can’t see, the two men enjoy a long, instructional kiss. After several minutes, Carlos stops the lesson.

  "OK, OK. Enough. I believe you."

  "Come on, let’s go upstairs for the tapes."

  "That's OK. I trust you now. Tell me about Anna and the baby."

  Liam is tender. "I’ll let her tell you herself on the way to your team doctor. You’ll be off your foot for a few weeks. The best way for Anna to get pregnant is for her to be on top facing you. 21 days from today she should start to ovulate. Practice every day for 19 days. Sex morning and night. Then no sex for two days. You’ll score day 21 or 22. I guarantee it. It may take a month or two, but it should be fun trying. Right?"

  "Thank you doctor. I’m so sorry…"

  "Love is worth the trouble, Carlos. Stay here, I’ll go call Anna’s driver."

  Tony and Liam walk toward the front door where the two girls awkwardly try to work the broom. Tony takes Liam's hand in his own and kisses the bandage above his eye. "Good job on the demo, Liam. Did you see his reaction?"

  "Who could miss it? I hope like hell we haven't made a convert. Anna would kill us both."

  CHAPTER 26

  Carmel Beach, California

  The sun is just starting to peek through the clouds on beach in Carmel as Meryl and Claire serve Sunday breakfast to the kids.

  Marie has had a bad night. "God-damned waves kept me awake."

  Claire is shocked. "Marie–your mouth. Sorry, Meryl."

  Meryl is amused. "Relax. My Emma used to blast her boom box to cover the sound. Now she’s a professor of Classics. Stages. Emma was rude to hide the fact she’s the sweetest woman in the world."

  Jon raises his fist with a whoop. "Yes. Bingo. You pegged her. That’s our Sweet Marie, the bestest little girl hiding her goodness because she’s so sensitive."

  Luke joins the fray. "Not true. Our Jon-Jon is the sweetest little girl in the world."

  Marie can't resist. "That’s our Luke. Calling everyone gay because he likes men himself…"

  Claire is embarrassed. "Stop this kind of filthy talk now. We're a guest in Meryl's home. At least try to pretend you're out of grade school. We need to talk–seriously."

  Marie is still cranky. "More seriously than Luke’s denial?" Marie gives her mother a lingering, and very dirty look.

  "Behave," Claire points her finger at each of the three.

  "OK, Mom, we’re all ears," Jon laughs.

  Luke is clinging to the wrong side of the bed. "All ears and assholes."

  Meryl speaks up. "Luke, you remind me so much of my son Matthew–how he used to be."

  Luke listens. "Used to be? What d'you mean?"

  "He mouthed off a bouncer and lost his teeth. Now he has a lisp."

  Jon tries to offer his brother a hug but is pushed away. "Oh. Dissed!"

  Meryl actually laughs out loud. "No. More like this: 'dithed'. Now, listen to your mother.”

  Claire has their attention now. "Simple stuff first. The firm’s been sold and I'm out of a job."

  Marie laughs. "Good job, Mommy Dearest. Generation X bites the dust. Why'd they fire you? Crowsfeet?"

  Claire gives Marie a look that could kill. "I will always remember you said that, dear. You. Christmas. Naughty List. Forever." Claire tries to make a joke but her eyes show a new pain that reaches her core.

  Jon is more serious. "Really? I'm sorry. Even though I know you hated it there."

  "Was I that obvious?" Claire looks completely defeated.r />
  "We figured it was either that or menopause. And you're too old for menopause, aren't you?" Jon wasn’t trying to be mean–it just happened.

  Claire ignores that last question and continues. "The firm that bought Walker, Lyon have made me an offer, so we'll keep our heads above water in the toilet that is divorce law."

  Luke takes over. "Will you make more money?"

  Claire frowns. "Yes, but I’ll be working in Nevada, at least for a while. There’ll be less taxes, but more commuting costs. If you want to focus on just dollars and cents, as you always seem to do, yes, I'll be making more money."

  Luke continues the interrogation. "So we're moving to Nevada? Do I get a car?"

  Claire wants to slap him–hard. "I’ll work in Nevada and may come home weekends. The three of you will stay here with your father."

  Marie butts in. "May come home. What’s that mean?"

  Claire holds her head up. "Your father and I will be living apart. You’ve probably figured out things aren’t going well with us."

  Marie looks innocent. "I thought it was an Italian marriage."

  Claire wrinkles her nose, "I'm not Italian."

  Marie moves in for the kill. "There's the real problem right there. The curse of the Anglo-Saxon Episcopal elite. The real axis of evil. You hate yourself for marrying someone you think is beneath you socially because he’s a Catholic. Incredible. Don't you think you should try counseling before you pull the handle and flush 20 years of trench warfare down the toilet?"

  Claire has had enough of Marie. "While I'm glad you read the online cheat notes for Psychology 101, there’s much more than that going on. We can talk about that part of it later."

  Marie keeps pushing. "Oh great. Suspense, stress. Is that from Drama 101? Make us guess, Mother. Cancer?"

  Meryl puts her arm around Claire. "This isn’t easy for your mother. Give her a minute."

  Meryl reaches for Claire’s hand. Marie sees the gesture and groans. "Why Mommy Dearest, you're a dyke. Woman's Studies 101. You did all the reading, all the homework, and brought us along on the extra-credit weekend field trip!

  Claire almost laughs. "Marie, I’m gonna smack you."