by J. P. Grider
“Good. Let me just get some of my stuff out of the car and bring them inside. You wanna come?”
“Nah. It’s nice out here, I’ll wait for you.” I watched Mara extend her legs and cross them at the ankles. She was so elegant, yet so modest and humble. I thought about what it would be like making love with her. I wanted it so badly. She made the beats of my heart stutter.
When I got to my car, in the distance, I could see yellow. I approached the road to get a closer look. The yellow Camaro was parked across the street and the woman was sitting in the driver’s seat. “Hey.” I yelled to her. I ran down my long driveway, but as I got near, she sped away. “Dammit!” I couldn’t wrap my head around this. It was all so bizarre. And it reminded me. I hadn’t told Mara about my recent findings. Crystal was the owner of the car.
Apple picking was so much fun. Everything was so much more sunny when Mara was around. Both of us were chuckling like children when Mara would use one of the apple pickers to retrieve an apple. The handle was so long and Mara was so short that she would lose her balance and whack me with the picker. On several occasions. And for a fitness geek, she certainly was clumsy. More than once she’d trip over a fallen apple that was left to rot on the ground and she’d go flying, along with her bag of apples. But, we’d keep laughing. It was such a joy to be with Mara. She was such a joy. I was already thinking that I wouldn’t want to spend another day without her. And we hadn’t even had our first official date.
Chapter Twenty
My nerves felt like frayed wires short-circuiting throughout my body. I wanted to make sure everything would be perfect for our first date. The daisies, bunched together in a bouquet, were tied simply with a wide violet ribbon. I had searched the florist for the absolute ideal arrangement, but an unpretentious display of daisies seemed most appropriate for Mara. It’s not that I couldn’t spend the money on a more elaborate assortment, but that would seem overdone for Mara. She was wholesome and pure and as exquisitely beautiful as nature herself. She needed no makeup or expensive clothes, yet she was absolutely flawless in the most simplest manner. She wasn’t fancy and I’d venture to guess that she appreciated what God Himself intended as beauty and not what man defined it as.
Before ringing her doorbell, I had to take ten deep breaths to return to normal breathing. This date was important to me. More important than anything I’ve ever done. Because, suddenly, Mara was the most important person in my life.
“Hi Tagg.” Mara beamed as she answered the door. She was breathtaking in her ivory V-neck cableknit sweater and long brown flowing skirt. The skirt came just mid-calf, showing her brown tights and little brown flat slip-in shoes. Now, I normally don’t notice clothes like that, but on Mara, I noticed everything. Even the small gold Crucifix that hung around her neck. I wanted faith like Mara had. She’d been through loss and yet, instead of turning away from God, she was drawn closer. With that kind of faith, it was hard to see the world as a dark and lonely place, like I had perceived it.
“Hi Mara.” I handed her the daisies and a variety box of chocolate protein bars. I figured she would prefer that over a fat and sugar-laden box of chocolates.
“How did you know daisies were my favorite flower? I don’t remember telling you that.” Mara sniffed the daisies and when she inhaled, she closed her eyes, allowing me to glimpse the soft violet eyeshadow she wore on her lids.
“They just reminded me of you – a simple, yet elegant, wildflower.”
“Aw. Tagg. You are so sweet. The protein bars are a nice touch, too.”
“Yeah, well, you being my trainer and all, I thought regular chocolate candy wouldn’t be a smart idea.”
“The protein bars are perfect…but I haven’t trained you in, like, forever.”
“Sorry about that.” I mockingly put my head down in shame. “At least I’m still running. Anyway, we should get going.”
She held up the daisies. “Let me put these in water, then we can leave.”
“Okay. Reservations are at eight.”
I held the Vette’s passenger side open for Mara and shut it for her when she got in, circling the car to get in myself.
“Where are we going?” She asked after I started the car.
“Chateau Hathorne? Did you ever hear of it?”
“Certainly. The Hathorne House, on Route 94 in Warwick.”
“That’s the one. I’ve never been there, but I’ve heard it’s really nice.”
“That’s what I heard too.”
“Mara.” I glanced sideways at her briefly, while still paying attention to the road. “I wanted to tell you something.” I didn’t know if this was the proper time to tell her, but I thought it needed to be said. “Remember that yellow Camaro?”
“Yes. The one where the driver looked like your wife?”
“That’d be it. So, I checked with the Somers’ Point Police and found out that the car is actually registered in Crystal’s name.
I heard Mara gasp. “Your Crystal?”
“Yes. And the address on the registration is my Somers’ Point address.”
She took a deep breath in. I didn’t hear it come back out.
“It gets weirder. The plates were registered the day after she died.”
I heard a loud exhale. She was holding her breath. “Oh my God. How is that possible? Tagg. Is she still…alive?” Mara barely whispered the word alive, I almost didn’t hear it.
“I don’t know. I can’t imagine she could be, but…I don’t know.”
We drove silently for the next few minutes, absorbing the enormity of the situation if Crystal were still alive.
The Chateau Hathorne had valet parking. Usually I would just park the Vette myself; I detested anyone else driving it, but since I wanted this date to be extra special, I figured, what the heck.
The building was a huge Restaurant/Bed & Breakfast established in 1832. Its big white pillars and red brick front granted an elaborate welcoming. The maitre d’ wore a black tux with a white tie, white shirt and white vest. He brought us to our table for two that sat by itself in an alcove with its very own fireplace. The warm glow of the fire and a soft gas lamp in the center of our table were the only source of light for us. It was very romantic. Mara’s olive skin appeared golden behind the soft lighting.
“This is a really beautiful place, Tagg. Thank you for taking me here.” Gold specks sparkled in Mara’s brown eyes as she tilted her head and smiled at me.
“Your welcome.” I couldn’t help myself; I stared into her glistening eyes, probably for a couple moments too long. “You are so beautiful, Mara.” Captivatingly so, I wanted to say, but I was afraid to let her see just how enamored I was. “Thank you for coming into my life.” I was probably not doing a great job at hiding my feelings; my thundering heart was betraying me. “You’ve made such a difference and I am so sorry I hadn’t let you explain that night, at my mother’s. I shouldn’t have run out like that. And, I shouldn’t have stayed away for so long. I’m not very good at facing things. Auggie’s always scolded me for that.” I let out a slight, non-humorous, titter.
Mara gave me one of those small smiles, where her lips curled, but her teeth didn’t show. “It’s okay. It’s over with. By the way, have you talked with your mom yet?”
“I called her today, after I brought you home. I apologized for being so immature and she apologized for being deceitful about her intentions. We’re good.”
“Good. Because you know she loves you a whole bunch; you’re everything to her, Tagg.”
“I know that.”
The waiter brought our wine and recited the night’s specials. We ordered a Puff Pastry Neptune, which was an appetizer of assorted seafood with a light chardonnay sauce; tossed fresh organic greens and Chateau Briand for two, cooked medium-rare. While we waited for our food, I watched how Mara’s slender fingers wrapped around the bottom of her wine glass. Her semi-long nails were painted in a tempting coral color and as her hand enveloped the glass, I could almost feel her delicat
e hand enveloping something of mine. But I digress.
“Mara, I never really asked how you’ve been.” She looked at me like I had two heads. “ I mean, September 11th passed. I’m sure it was hard.”
She shrugged. “It was.”
“I’m sorry I never called. I am such an idiot to let you down.” It seems that’s the only thing I kept getting right – letting her down.
“Tagg, stop beating yourself up about things. I know how you feel.” Mara must’ve realized she was only surmising my emotions, because she ended that sentence abruptly.
“Do you? Know how I feel, I mean?” I didn’t pause long, because it was a rhetorical question. I leaned in closer and peered into her sparkling brown eyes. “Because I’ve never felt…the way I feel about you…I’ve never been more in love than I am with you.” I knew it was very sudden in our relationship to say it, and it may have been a mistake to admit, but as cliché as it sounded, I was head over heels in love with Mara and I couldn’t keep from telling her so.
Mara had been taking a sip of her wine when I had said this and she reflexively spit it out. Right in my face. She quickly grabbed her napkin off her lap to wipe her mouth and reclaim her dignity, while I picked up my napkin and dabbed at my white oxford shirt to lessen the damage of the red wine. “Omigod. Tagg, I am so sorry. I just…I hadn’t expected you to say…that…and well, you caught me by surprise.”
I laughed. “That’s okay. I hadn’t expected to say it either.”
Mara turned more pensive and unsure in what she was about to say. Her voice came out in a whisper. “Tagg. Aren’t I the first girl you’ve dated since Crystal?”
I guess I knew where this was headed. “Yes, but that doesn’t change how I feel.”
“But,” Mara hesitated so long I thought she’d forgotten what she was about to say. “Maybe it’s just the excitement of being with someone.”
Was she serious? I had to laugh. “Mara.” And I was confident. I knew my feelings and I was not wavering. “I’m a thirty-eight year-old man. I’ve had plenty of women, I’m ashamed to say, and I’ve had many, many opportunities to fall in love. I’ve never come close. Even my marriage to Crystal was more of a marriage of friendship and respect, on both our parts. I’ve always wondered if I’d even recognize love if I ever came face to face with it. And now…I am as sure as the fact that you’re sitting across from me, I am truly, passionately and immeasurably in love with you. I think I’ve known since the day I met you, standing at my front door.”
Mara gave a pleasant sigh. “Are you sure? Because I don’t open up my heart easily.”
I took her napkin out of her hand, which she was still clutching, and took both her hands, “I am absolutely positive.” I kissed both of her hands, one at a time. “I love you.”
Mara’s shoulders rose with each breath she took. I could hear her breathing become louder, and I suspected that her heart was beating faster, as was mine. She bit her bottom lip and I felt her toe tap rapidly under the table. She took one last deep breath and spoke. “I love you, too.”
The waiter inconveniently interrupted our pronouncements by bringing our appetizer.
Chapter Twenty-One
After what turned out to be the best first date in the history of first dates, I walked Mara to her door and said goodnight. I could tell she wanted to ask me in, but knowing where that would lead, she treaded carefully. It was as if I could involuntarily read her mind. “Don’t worry, Mara, we have forever. As much as I want to take you in my arms and make love to you right now, I’d like to savor every first with you slowly. I want us to take our time. You deserve that.” I wrapped my arms around her and kissed her timidly on her mouth.
“You do make it hard for a girl to turn you away, Taggart Holland.”
“Well, I do hope you never turn me away, Mara Giordano-Carson.”
She smiled a coy little quirky smile and kissed me. A short, but sweet and delicious kiss. “Goodnight, Tagg.”
“Goodnight Mara. Will I see you in the morning?”
“Sure. After my run, I’ll clean up, go get us some coffee and bring it to your house. Is that alright?”
“Of course. See you then. And thanks for a wonderful time.”
As giddy as a schoolboy stealing his first kiss was the best analogy to represent my emotions. I loved the best girl on earth and she loved me. If someone had asked me six months ago if I had thought I’d ever find happiness, my answer would have been ‘Once God took me from this earth.’ But now, I was so elated, that the world seemed new to me. Like a toddler learning he could run and not fall down. I still didn't think I deserved Mara, but I thanked God she was in my life.
Mara came the next morning with two Starbuck’s coffees like she’d promised. However, she wasn’t as cheery as she was last night. I noticed she had a newspaper tucked under her arm. I took the coffees from her and brought them to my kitchen table. She followed me in. “Mara, what’s on your mind? You’re upset.”
She took a second to respond. The paper was a tabloid publication, which she placed on the table in front of my coffee before sitting down. As I went to sit down across from her, I saw the pictures and words that headlined the front page. Tagg Holland – Back to His Old Ways? Underneath the headline was the picture someone took of Mara and me at the mall, where my arm was protectively around her, as we raced to get away from on-lookers. The second picture was of Genelle kissing me right smack on the lips, the morning after my party. When I opened the paper, there in the center, was a picture of Genelle and me, half undressed, lying together on my futon. That one was probably taken the night before, when I was blitzed out of my mind, right before I fell asleep.
“Mara. I’m sorry.” How could I explain this?
She just stared at me with her big, brown eyes, which were now glazed over with a translucent fluid. The beginning of her tears.
“Mara. I was drunk. We had a party, the next morning, I remembered nothing and this woman came up to me and kissed me. I found out later that we were together the night before. I don’t remember it. I’m sorry.”
“You had sex with her?” Mara’s tears were falling down her cheeks now.
“No. She told me I had fallen asleep while we were undressing each other, probably right after that picture was taken. Again, if I hadn’t been drunk, it never would have happened.”
Mara managed to choke out a response. “Is this something I’d have to deal with? You drinking and sleeping with other woman?”
Oh, how those words hurt. A single tear fell from my cheek. Could I ever change? “I’ll stop drinking. I won’t ever take another sip, if it means I won’t have to lose you. Mara, please. You and I weren’t on speaking terms.” I was desperate to have her believe me, because with all of my heart, I meant it.
“Your doing, not mine.” She boldly interrupted.
“Yes, I realize that. But had we been, I probably wouldn’t even have been drinking to that extent.”
“You can’t be blaming me?” Mara was appalled. I’d never seen this side to her. I couldn’t blame her. Here I was, professing my love for her the night before and this morning she finds out I’d almost bedded another woman, three nights ago.
“No, of course not.” I quickly added. “I was so distraught without you that I had begun drinking excessively again. It was the only thing that numbed the pain of losing you.” I took a deep breath to grab hold of the realization that I may really be losing Mara this time. And for good. “Ronnie threw this party Friday night. It was the only one. Before that, I was spending every night alone in my room. I promise you that.” Mara just sat there with her eyes on the floor, trying very hard not to show me her tears. I was sick to my stomach. “Mara. I can’t take back what happened, but I can promise you it will never happen again. I need you to trust me.”
Her breathing slowed, my heart raced. I was nervous, believing my sun would never shine again. Unless Mara could trust me, we could never stay together. And I would be living in the dark again. It se
emed the appropriate cycle for someone like me. Someone whose life held no meaning but to rock and to party. It was just like the clichéd, and all too familiar, stereotype, ‘sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll.’ It was easy to hate myself more and more.
“Tagg.” She looked me in the eyes again. “I guess…I have no choice but to trust you.”
Not quite the answer I was hoping for. “You have a choice, Mara. I won’t force you into a relationship with me if you don’t want one.”
She thought for a few moments. A few very long moments as far as I was concerned. “I do want one. I believe you when you say it was only because you were drinking.”
“And because you were not in the picture.” I put my head down. “You were in my heart though, and I shouldn’t have let it happen.” I looked back up at her. “I won’t drink any more, I promise.”
“Are you an alcoholic, Tagg?”
“No. And before you say, I’m in denial, I’ve been to AA meetings in the past. I’m what you would call an alcohol abuser, not an alcoholic. There’s a difference. I really can put the drink down. I just turn to the drink as a way to deaden the emotions when I’m feeling depressed. And, without you, I was very depressed.” I moved cautiously toward her and lifted her from her chair. With my hands behind her waist, I pulled her towards me and kissed her on the forehead. “Give me a chance to prove myself, Mara. Please.”
She lingered her gaze at my chin, most likely afraid to let me see the hurt still in her eyes. “Okay.” I felt the words as a breath on my face more so than heard them.
We finished our coffee while the conversation fortunately took on a more joyous tone. We decided to spend the day hiking up at High Point; a picturesque mountain set at the highest point in New Jersey. I found the beautiful countryside to be a very motivating tool for writing a song. Of course, that and the breathtaking and forgiving woman I had hiking beside me. While we were breathlessly strolling up the hills, a song was playing in my head. Mara was not only my true love; she was my muse. I took a deep inhale and the clean mountain air filled my lungs. I was breathing in Mara’s love and her forgiveness and I was trying to forgive myself of my past… and recent sins. Up here on the mountain, where I just may have felt closer to God, at least by proximity, I said a silent prayer begging for His forgiveness as well as my own. Then Mara caught me doing the sign of the cross.