Unplugged (A Portrait of a Rock Star)
Page 17
“Well, that’s just crazy. Crystal died seven years ago.” Not that I believed that anymore. “Maybe the bracelet was thrown from the house during the fire. I never did get rid of her things.”
The inspector shook his head. “No. The bracelet was too far into the woods. I’m guessing whoever it was, tried to carry all the containers, but dropped two of them when she ran off, losing her bracelet at the same time.”
“How can you be sure there were more than two containers?”
“Mr. Holland, your house is quite large and it went up in no time flat. The entire house was drenched in gasoline. Whoever did this must have planned it, especially if you say you were only gone for thirty minutes.”
“But, how would they have known I was going out? I originally had no intention of leaving.”
“Your ‘Vette was still here.” The inspector motioned to my charred car and I felt a pang deep in my chest. I know it was a material possession, but that car signified a definitive time in my life. I was sad to see it destroyed beyond recognition. “I suppose the suspect intended on your being home.”
“You mean…they wanted me dead?”
One nod was the inspector’s only response.
Auggie walked over as soon as he heard that. “What’s this about a bracelet? Who wanted to kill you?”
“Mr. Holland.” The inspector greeted my father.
“Who wanted my son dead?” Auggie repeated louder.
“We’re not sure yet, but we found this bracelet next to a couple of gas containers. Your son claims it belonged to his late wife.”
When Auggie turned his attention on me, I just shrugged. My headache was coming back and I felt faint again. My father saw my disorientation and put his arms up to brace me. “Listen, here’s my number.” Auggie gave the inspector his card. Why an aging rock star would have a business card was beyond me, but he always had them on him. He had a separate cell phone number, from his private line, listed on the card. I guess he didn’t want just anyone to call his private number. “Give me a call in the morning. My son’s had a rough day here. He needs to rest. We’ll talk tomorrow?”
“Sure.” Dad walked me to Mara’s car, but sat me in the passenger’s side. “Dad, I can’t drive it from this side.”
“From what I just witnessed, you’re in no condition to drive at all. Ronnie’s on his way with his girlfriend to pick up my car. I’ll drive the Beetle so you have it for the morning. Now, close your eyes. Don’t think. Just sleep. We’ll be home shortly.”
***
The next morning, the reality of yesterday’s tragedy hit me hard. My head wasn’t only aching, but my stomach had an empty pit in the center of it that burned as intensely as my house did yesterday. I wanted to scream, yet I was ironically insentient, almost as if I were having an out of body experience. With the back of my head on my pillow, I remained transfixed on the ceiling above me. I needed to move, to get to the hospital to see Mara. Only, I didn’t know what to expect of today. Would Mara be better or would she be worse? Was Crystal really out there, seeking retaliation by securing my death? Could a ghost do that? Was she really dead? It made no sense to me, yet that yellow Camaro kept flashing through my dreams last night.
“The yellow Camaro.” I suddenly jerked to a sitting position. “They need to find the yellow Camaro.” I said out loud, to myself.
“Already on that.” My father responded as he came upon my bedroom door.
“Dad. The Camaro.”
“Taggart. I know. That’s why I said I was already on that. I thought of that immediately, but you needed to rest and I figured it could wait ‘til morning.”
“But… if she’s watching me, then we’re all in danger. Mara. Oh my God. What if…”
“Taggart.” Dad stopped my nonsense. “She’s safer than anyone. She’s in the hospital. And, about that. Caroline called this morning. They’re transporting Mara to the Burn Center at Saint Barnabas in Livingston.”
“Livingston? Wait. Why?”
“It looks like her burns are too serious for them. Saint Barnabas is better equipped. It’s the best place she could be right now.”
“Oh Dad.” I sat at the edge of my bed and put my head in my hands. “This is all my fault. I should have never brought her into my world.” I looked up at my Dad. “I hate my life. I just want to be normal.”
“What are you talking about, Taggart? What does your life have to do with anything?”
Such compassion, my father. “I don’t know. I don’t know…I don’t know.” I tapered off and held my head again.
“Mom made you breakfast. Get dressed, eat and we’ll meet Mara at Saint Barnabas. They were transporting her there first thing this morning.”
I nodded. “I’ll have coffee, but I’m not particularly hungry.”
“Well, whatever. Just get a move on.”
Dad and Mom drove me to the Burn Center. I must say, if the woman, whose wounded hands were holding my heart, weren’t severely injured, it would have been nice to appreciate my parents’ coalescence. I never did want them to divorce, so it was bittersweet to be with them together…and not arguing.
Mom sat in the back seat so Auggie could talk to me. “Now, Taggart, tomorrow you are scheduled for the studio, right?” My compassionate father began his questioning.
“Yes, but, I’m not going to make it.”
Dad gave a disappointed sigh.
“Dad. My God. It’s all you think about. My career. Who the hell needs it?”
Auggie slammed his hand on the steering wheel. “Who the hell needs what, Taggart? It’s your goddamn job. There are many people counting on you. If you don’t do this, you allow a lot of people to lose work.”
“Uhhh.” I slammed my head against the back of my seat. “Why are we talking about this now?” My head was pounding again. From the backseat, Mom reached over and rubbed my arm.
“I don’t get you, Taggart.” Auggie ranted. “You were born with a friggin’ silver spoon in your mouth, but you act as if life is so hard on you. Jesus Christ, Taggart, get over your self already.”
“Augustus.” My mother clipped. “Don’t talk to him like that. This is a terrible time for him.” Mom turned to me, “Tagg, sweetie, you don’t need to rush to any decisions. Your concern is Mara and that’s okay.”
“Oh geez, Kenya, it’s not like Taggart has a nine to five job. He gets paid an obscene amount of money to entertain the world. He’s made commitments and he can’t just toss that aside.”
“Auggie! Screw the commitments.” I was outraged and ready to kill him. He had no idea of the emotions a normal person felt. “The friggin’ love of my life almost died yesterday, but you wouldn’t know an emotion like that. You never loved anyone a day in your life. It’s all about the lay, isn’t that right, Augustus?”
The car came to a screeching halt; he didn’t even pull off to the side of the road. He jumped out of the car, practically hurdled the front end and yanked my door wide open, grabbing me by the collar and yanking me out of my seat. “You frigging, ungrateful, son of a bitch.”
It took an instant before I registered Auggie’s balled fist pulling back was for the sole purpose of meeting my face square in the nose. I felt the blood simultaneously spill from my nose and rush straight to my head.
My mother’s screams were heard through a tunnel as I fell against the side of the car. “Auggie! You’re crazy. Stop it now!”
“Go to hell, Kenya.” So much for their coalescence. “And while you’re at it, get your sad excuse for a son back into the car.”
Auggie was back in his seat and impatiently waiting for us when I pushed away from my mother. “I’ll find my own way to the hospital.” But the blow to my face had knocked the pride out of me. I couldn’t storm away. I couldn’t even walk. My vision was out of focus and mom had to help me into the car. This time, she sat in front.
“You know Augustus, that was uncalled for.” I needed to jab, even though he beat me to a bloody pulp with one punch.
Thanks to Mom, Auggie remained quiet, but still incensed. The rest of the ride was driven in silence, but I wasn’t complaining; I just wanted to close my eyes and think about Mara. And forget the raging headache that was building.
***
The nurses were hooking Mara up to her tubes when we got there; they wouldn’t allow us in to see her just yet. Caroline was in the waiting area, so we asked her to join us for coffee. She and my mom were hitting it off pretty well. Auggie was still stewing and giving me his evil eye, but I just ignored him. I finished the last of my coffee and excused myself from the table. “I’ll meet you upstairs, I’m just going to take a walk.”
My destination was for Mara’s floor. I felt I needed to be closer to her, even if I couldn’t see her yet. Walking through the halls, I passed a couple of guards, but since they knew who I was and had already heard that my girlfriend was being admitted, they let me wait in the all-purpose room at the end of the floor. The room was void of people, but had several couches, a flat-screen television, a stereo and bookshelves filled with books and toys. In the corner sat an old, upright piano. I sat on the weathered bench that was being held together by duct tape, and played a few scales. I let the sound of the keys take over in my mind and started playing Canon in D by Pachebel. I closed my eyes while my fingers fluently danced on the ivory keys. I missed playing the piano. As the lead singer of a rock band, the opportunity didn’t present itself often. My Pachebel rendition turned into Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen and then November Rain by Guns and Roses. I had the uncanny ability to remember any song I’ve ever played; the whole time keeping my eyes closed and becoming the music. Music filled my soul. It calmed. It healed. It motivated. And it was unfortunate that I had given it up for so many years. Not the performing part; singing, for me, never had the capacity to nourish me from within. Playing an instrument did, however. Piano, Violin, Saxophone, even playing the guitar could transport me to another dimension. I gave up my lessons on any given instrument when I founded my band. It was clear we had needed a lead singer and since I also had a gifted singing voice, that’s where I had fit into Holland.
Retrospectively, I should never have ended my intimacy with the musical instrument. I silently vowed, right then and there, to make it part of my life again. Of course I’d have to purchase a new piano, guitar and violin, all of which were lost in the recent fire. I think I discarded the saxophone long before I moved into my Somers’ Point house.
As November Rain was coming to an end, a little boy came in and stood at the edge of the piano. “You’re really good, Mister.” The little boy’s smile was almost heartbreaking. The whole right side of his face was covered in white burn scars, but his huge blue eyes and the deep dimple on his left cheek revealed a handsome face in spite of his disfigurement.
“Well, thank you very much. Do you play?” I was curious to his interest.
The boy’s eyes grew wide. “Me?…Oh, no sir, we don’t have a piano at my house. We can’t afford one.”
“Would you like me to show you how to play something?”
“You would do that?” His big blue eyes looked like tiny swimming pools.
“Of course, but first I need to know your name. Mine is Tagg.”
“Hi Tagg. I’m Bobby and I’m ten.”
I got up and pulled one of the folding chairs, that were standing against the far wall, up to the piano. “Sit down, Bobby, I’ll show you how to play Heart and Soul.”
A tall, dark-haired nurse, holding a scowl on her face, entered the room. “Bobby. Young man, you just can’t wander around the hospital whenever you feel like it.”
“Oh, Nurse Betty, Tagg was gonna show me how to play something. Can I stay? Please, Nurse Betty?”
Nurse Betty showed recognition immediately in her expression. “Tagg Holland?”
I smiled and nodded. “I was just about to show Bobby here how to play Heart and Soul.”
Nurse Betty walked over to one of the couches and sat down. “Okay, Bobby, but only for a few minutes.
It took me all of about ten minutes to show Bobby his part of Heart and Soul, but when I played my part along with him, it was as if I bought him the hottest new video game. “Wow. I can’t believe I played that. I sounded awesome.”
“You did, Bobby. What we played was called a ‘duet.’ It’s pretty cool, isn’t it?”
“Yeah. Can we play it again?”
Nurse Betty chimed in before I could answer. “One more time Bobby, then we have to get you back to your room. Doc’s going to be checking on an empty bed if we don’t get you back there.”
“Okay, Bobby, let’s make this a good one. Ready sport.”
Heart and Soul.
Let me just say, those fifteen minutes with Bobby was better than any two hours I’ve ever spent on stage. The time it took to teach him how to play something on the piano was not only inspiring; it fed both my heart and my soul.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Mara’s tubes were securely inserted and the rest of her testing was complete. For now. When I saw her sitting up in her bed, it thrilled me to see she was awake and slightly coherent.
“Mara, sweetheart,” I knew nothing to say except one thing. “I love you.” I kissed her on the unbandaged side of her face. “You must be in so much pain, love.”
She nodded only slightly and blinked her eyes.
“You can’t talk?” My stomach started turning again. I couldn’t bear to see her like this.
“It hurts,” was what came out as a raspy whisper.
“From the smoke inhalation?”
Another nod. Another raspy answer. “And the coughing.”
Now I nodded. I took her hand and sat down in the chair next to her bed. “I’m so sorry for all of this, Mara.”
“Stop.” She barely whispered. “Stop being sorry.” I barely heard her.
“Don’t talk, sweetie. I need to say this, so don’t feel compelled to speak, please.” I inhaled for courage. “For those brief moments, when I was searching for you in the fire, I thought I had lost you for good. As low as I’ve felt in the past, I have never felt as dead as when I thought you were. And, although I should have never left you alone, guilt was not the only thing driving my desire to die." I took a deep breath to regain some composure. "Mara, I would not want to be in this world, if you were not a part of it. It hasn’t been long that I have known you, but from the very beginning, it wasn’t hard to tell that you are my reason for living. God sent you to me. I know that. Whatever damage has been done to you, whatever you can or cannot do, I will make it my life’s work to care for you." I got down on my knees next to her bed. "I love you, Mara Giordano-Carson and I want you to be in my life forever. I want you to be my wife. I don’t have a ring right now, but it’s my heart I am offering to you. I can buy you any ring you’d like, but it is my heart and my soul that are yours for the taking. Please Mara, marry me.”
Mara squeezed my hand as tight as her fragile little fingers could muster. She blinked and I saw a tear fall from her eye. Mara winced from the pain the salt left on her scars. I tried to deny the almost imperceptible turn of her head. Once to the right. Once to the left. I didn’t want to believe that she was saying no to me, so I put my finger to her lips. “Shh. I don’t need an answer today.” I tried not to show my disappointment. Mara’s been through enough, so I kissed her. And let it be.
If she didn’t want to marry me, then she had her reasons. I had to respect that.
But my heart was quietly shattering.
“Tagg,” barely came out of her injured voice.
“Mara. I didn’t mean to put you on the spot. The last thing I wanted to do was cause you more pain. Please try not to talk. It’s okay. I promise you. We’ll talk about it when you’re better…
or not… it’s totally your call.” My smile at her was genuine. I wanted her to be happy, no matter the cost to me.
Caroline came in. “Hey Tagg, how’s she doing?” Then she caught the sight of Mara sitting up in bed. “Oh baby,” Caroline practically leaped over to the other side of the bed. “Oh baby, baby, you’re up. How are you feeling?” Caroline brushed Mara’s face with the back of her fingertips. Mara gave a vague nod and a tiny flutter with her eyes.
“It hurts her throat to talk.” I told Caroline.
“Oh sweetie.” Caroline wanted to take Mara’s right hand, but refrained, because it was wrapped in bandages and Caroline didn’t want to aggravate it anymore.
“Caroline.” I carefully let go of Mara’s left hand and walked to the end of the bed. “Her left hand is not burned. I’ll leave you two alone for a while.” I turned my attention towards Mara. “I’ll be back in a little bit. I’ll give you some time with your mom. Love you.”
“Tagg.” Mara gravely murmured. “I love you.”
I smiled. “I know.”
***
Mom and Dad were walking toward Mara’s room. “Hey Tagg, are we not allowed in yet?” Mom asked, because I was not in the room with Mara.
“No, we are. Her mom’s with her now. I just needed a minute. You can go in.”
Mom put her hand on my arm. “Okay, honey.”
“Kenya, you go ahead, I need to talk with Taggart.”
“No Dad. You don’t.” I really was not in the mood for Auggie and his opinions. Or his fisticuffs.
However, he insisted on following me into the all-purpose room. I sat at the piano again and played the melody to Mara's Song.
“You’re still a wizard on the piano, I see.”
“Mmm.”
“Taggart, listen, I’m sorry I got heated before. I shouldn’t have struck you like that. I just wanted you to see the importance of the commitment you made.”
Striking your kid was normal, wasn’t it? “I know my commitments, Dad.” My gaze stayed on my fingers while I continued to play. “I’m not going to let anyone down. I will fulfill my obligations.” I hoped he heard my sarcasm.