Harvey Drew and the Junk Skunks
Page 9
Scrummage chose food – starting with biggest bag of Hot Chilli Space Chips, not just in the shop – but in the Entire Known Universe, and Beyond.
Harvey got Cosmic Catastrophe (the original game plus booster pack). Billed as ‘educational fun for the whole crew’, players have to tackle a series of difficult and dangerous intergalactic missions before their imaginary spaceship self-destructs. In all honesty he might as well try to teach his crew how to knit a black hole.
Snuffles drove everyone nuts with a really annoying squeaky chew bone.
Finally, Yargal picked a Supersonic Speedy 2000 Automatic Spatula and six oven gloves (which Scrummage thought were tentacle warmers!) and a litter tray for Gordon.)
Harvey had handed the flight controls back over to Maxie and was sitting back in the captain’s chair, looking forward to some keepie-uppie with the zero gravity football after tea, when the computer bleeped importantly.
‘I think I’ve found your home planet, Captain,’ it announced confidently. ‘Is this Earth?’ it asked, displaying an image of something that looked a bit like a yellow crescent moon.
‘No,’ said Harvey. ‘That’s a banana.’
‘Ah,’ cringed the computer.
‘Earth,’ creaked Nerdie rustily, ‘is a small, round green and blue planet.’
‘Yes!’ cried Harvey excitedly. ‘It is! Do you know where it is?’
‘Yes, it’s in a mythical galaxy called The Milky Way,’ replied the robot.
‘It’s not mythical!’ exclaimed Harvey.
‘It must be,’ snorted Maxie. ‘Honestly, “The Milky Way”! What sort of name is that for a galaxy? It sounds more like a chocolate bar!’
The entire crew burst out laughing – especially Harvey (but excluding Nerdie who isn’t programmed with a laugh function).
Looks like Captain Harvey Drew is stuck on the Toxic Spew for another rubbish adventure with the Bin Men from Outer Space. Flickering spew!
CONTENTS
TOP TEN MOST DEADLY GARBAGE PESTS IN THE ENTIRE KNOWN UNIVERSE, AND BEYOND
FLIGHT DESK CONTROLS – LABELLED DIAGRAM
SAFETY EQUIPMENT
HOW TO SERVICE THE TOXIC SPEW
RULES AND REGULATIONS
GUIDE TO ALIEN LANGUAGES
TOP TEN MOST USEFUL SPACE FACTS
TOP TEN MOST DEADLY GARBAGE PESTS IN THE ENTIRE KNOWN UNIVERSE, AND BEYOND
1. Giant Green Killerleg GungeBeetles: From the Cesspit and Cesspool Moons in the Gunkball Cluster. [by Booty]
2. Mutant BeastyBix: Savage, mutated, glow-in-the-dark, orange biscuits. (They launch the ultimate SnackAttack). [by Derpy dog Teenyweeny LMJ]
3. SlughogSpays from Vampirus 7: Prickly bouncy balls that suck your blood until you’re just skin and bones. [by Teenyweeny KW + Teenyweeny ID + Teenyweeny LS]
4. Junk Skunks: Deadly poison-gas-farting critters.
5. Fluffcroobes from Fluff-i Minox: Extremely cute with bright yellow fluff and dark purple eyes. But so poisonous you need protective armour. [by Teenyweeny, Teenyweeny LMJ/LC]
6. Kicklesaps: These trash-munching fiends lie in wait and then explode in your face. Pointless really. [by Teenyweeny SP]
7. Pink Killer Maggots from Venomoid Flux: They pump you with poison, melt your insides and slurp you like soup.
8. RavenousRubbishRats: Grey with green spots and a spiky tail as long as a lasso. Originally from the planet Rattus Uratus. But they had to leave - they ate it! [by Fancyfootball]
9. SpitPots: Trash-spitting aliens that communicate by sending electric bolts to one another. It megahurts if you get in the way. [by Teenyweeny]
10. SnotBugSlugs: Green and pink with yellow stripes, they’re poisonous to eat. (Not that you would unless you were bonkers, since they’re about as appealing as a bucket of slime.) [by Lemonspacecurd5]
11. Multi-headed Multi-coloured GooglieSpiders: From the Star System Optica Spectacula. They crawl into your skull, bite your brain, and give you a galaxy-sized headache. [by Lemonspacecurd6 + rockersMP + Rockers GWS]
AUTHOR NOTE: Below is another example of a flight deck, drawn by exceptional artist Rockers GW-S.
Cas Says: “I really love all the ideas on this one! Especially the Self Destruct Button (oops!) and the compass – but it would have to be a 3D compass, with Up an Down as well. I love the fact it has a pressure gauge and a water gauge and a cruise control and a park control. And I want pizza, chocolate, OJ and sweets buttons fitted to my car dashboard controls IMMEDIATELY!!! AWESOME.”
SAFETY EQUIPMENT
EXTREMELY IMPORTANT SAFETY EQUIPMENT
♦ All-Purpose Toxic Spew Proof Suits [by Lemonspacecurd2]
♦ Intergalactic Gas Mask 7000 [by Lemonspacecurd1]
OTHER LESS-IMPORTANT-BUT- STILL-USEFUL EQUIPMENT
♦ Maxie’s old woollen gloves [by Fancyfootball]
♦ Scrummage’s old pair of goggles [by Fancyfootball]
♦ A tin bucket (useful as a helmet) [by Rockets ED]
♦ A bin (makes a good shield) [by Cookieclicker4]
♦ Broken broom handle (good for whacking alien enemies) [by Cookieclicker4, Fancyfootball, Derpy dog Teenyweeny LMJ]
♦ Non-stick frying pan
♦ Ship’s vacuum (missing plug) [by TheNuculearCreeper, dog lover, Cookieclicker2, Lemonspacecurd1]
♦ Tatty old plastic toast tongs [by Derpy dog Teenyweeny LMJ]
MEDICINES FOR YARGAL’S CABINET
♦ AntiGag, AntiVomit and AntiPuke medicine (to stop you feeling sick) [by gummypie15]
♦ Antihistrichdoxihidrate [by santa63]
♦ Antiflistecekxetit [by santa63]
♦ Antibisticboxet [by santa63]
♦ Antihisticlickcheckdiosid [by santa63]
♦ AntiSmellsBandages (to go over your nose so you can’t smell) [by Rockers CH]
♦ Astrofen (pain relief) [by Fancyfootball]
♦ Banana medicine [by elmo10051]
♦ Spacepol (to soothe pain) [by Rockers CH, FancyFootball]
♦ Space-o-biotics (to stop any symptoms coming back again) [by Rockers CH]
♦ Anti Poisonous Killer Maggot spray
♦ Stun Jab in 3 strengths: MildStun, SupaStun and SupaStunXtra
ESSENTIAL KIT – INCLUDING REPAIR KIT
♦ An intergalactic titanium pickaxe [by fireball888]
♦ A jet pack [by lozz]
♦ A Wiffometer, to detect whether the smell of the garbage is:
a) hazardously horrendous or,
b) dangerously disgusting, or
c) fatally foul
♦ A reinforced rubber toilet plunger;
♦ And one of those little scratch remover pens that are so handy for repairing all the little scrapes and nicks on the outside of the ship.
HOW TO SERVICE THE TOXIC SPEW
REFUELLING
1. Open intergalactic fuel cap.
2. Fill up the Toxic Spew with the Megatron 500 Insta-Refueller Pump.
3. Only use Three Star Premium GasoLime. [by TheNuculearCreeper, choklatechip, AlienAttacker]
TOP UPS
1. Use the galactic air hose to pump up the bumper [by TheNuculearCreeper]
2. Refill glass cleaner tank with Scrub-O-Matic [by choklatechip, Fancyfootball]
3. Check levels of Sloppy Slime Oil and Super Charged Space Goo [by choklatechip]
TESTS
1. Check the intergalactic landing gear [by elmo10051]
2. Check the super hydronic brakes [by elmo10051]
3. Switch on and off directional lights
4. Check the windscreen wipers are still attached
5. Check mirrors are still attached (there should be two) and if so, polish with SmelloGel – beeswax and vanilla-scented multi-surface polish.
RULES AND REGULATIONS
The Crew of the Toxic Spew must abide by the following Intergalactic Travel and Transport Pact rules and regulations. And yes, that does mean you, Scrummage.
If aliens get on the ship:
DON’
T PANIC! Call the Intergalactic Traffic Police, try to keep away from the alien, throw pizzas in their face, take photos of the alien to identify it [by Derpy dog Teenyweeny LMJ]
If deadly dangerous aliens get on to the ship:
DON’T make eye contact. Keep calm. Make a trail of cheesy moon balls into the panic room and lock the alien in there until you reach land and leave them on a planet where they can do no harm [by Fancyfootball]
If the vacuum pump explodes:
DON’T lick your lips. Make sure that none of the crew are injured or stuck under any dust or rubbish. If there is any very smelly rubbish that living creatures can’t live in until it has had chance to go away get to a safe place until it is all right to go back [by Fancyfootball]
Replacing your captain:
DO find another captain. They can be quite useful.
Dumping dangerous rubbish:
DON’T – and if you do, then DON’T get caught.
Keeping critical controls clean:
DO. Like captains, they can be quite useful. NB: You DON’T have to keep your captain clean.
Brawling on the bridge:
DON’T – it’s rude and distracts the pilot.
Doing repairs outside a spaceship:
DO the repairs but DON’T unclip your lifeline!
Rescuing cargo ships:
DO rescue the ship and then bagsy the cargo – in that order.
Space pirates:
DON’T PANIC! Space pirates are ruthless. You are all going to die. PANIC!
GUIDE TO ALIEN LANGUAGES
You can, of course, use Intergalactic GarbleTranslate, but if you find yourself without it then here are some key phrases you should learn:
Za Za Swiiflyumpcious = ‘That’s the best stench ever!’
A compliment paid when food served is deliciously pungent – like the whiff of a putrid fungal pie from the planet Pongoo! [by Booty]
Gripeoooh = ‘Oh my belly hurts - or maybe bellies!’
Usually uttered after scoffing a plate of putrid fungal pie. [by Booty]
Doh poonicky! = ‘Don’t panic!’
[by Rockers CH and CB]
Suma bronga pazz = ‘We bring pizza’
It also means ‘We come with pizza’ which is a phrase understood throughout the Entire Known Universe, and Beyond to mean: ‘We come in peace’. [by Rockers CH and CB]
Sarada da = ‘There was a problem with the alarm – we did pay!’ [by Rockers MO]
Xcape NavisCosmos! = ‘Abandon Spaceship!’
Aaaaaargh! = ‘Aaaaaargh!’
In any language in the Entire Known Universe, and Beyond.
TOP TEN MOST USEFUL SPACE FACTS [by Rockers CH]
10) There are over 500,000 pieces of space junk in Earth’s atmosphere
9) The sunset on Mars appears blue
8) If you could fly a plane to Pluto, the trip would take more than 800 years
7) All of space is completely silent
6) Astronauts can’t burp in outer space
5) Scientists believe that it rains diamonds on Neptune and Uranus
4) Space smells like raspberries
3) If you could put Saturn in water it would float
2) The moon actually used to be a chunk of the Earth
1) A white hole is the opposite of a black hole. The white hole swallows up the black hole.
Awesome Limericks!
‘Gizmo’ by kitten Teenyweeny TS
There was a man called Gizmo
Who stubbed his very small toe
He yelled and he squealed
That’s how he healed
And then he started to glow
‘Harvey’ by Teenyweeny LJ and CJ
There once was a boy, Harvey Drew
Who got teleported to the Toxic Spew.
It was full of old junk
That smelt like a skunk
But it did have a magnificent crew!
‘Harvey’ by Teenyweeny RM and LJ2
There was a captain named Harvey Drew
Who was terribly fond of his crew.
But his friend called Scrummage
Was always tempted to rummage
In the rubbish of the Toxic Spew
‘Maxie’ by Teenyweeny BC and ID
There once was an alien called Maxie
Who tried to catch a space taxi.
But then one day,
She flew away
And landed on the planet of Plaxi.
‘Gordon’ by Isapop
There once was an alien pet
He ate everything he could get
Gordon was his name
He seemed really tame
Until he attacked his vet
‘Yargal and Snuffles’ by Cas
Two aliens, Yargal and Snuffles,
Loved pizza with fishpaste and truffles.
Both ate and ate,
And emptied the plate,
Then decided they’d eaten enuffles!
‘Sassy Space’ by Teenyweeny BP and KW
Two planets called Venus and Mars
Both loved to eat chocolate bars
The sun was so jealous,
She burned those two fellas
So now they are both red dwarf stars.
A SPECIAL THANK YOU to the following Story Adventurers for supporting this book:
Alex Digger
Becki Crossley
Buzz Lightyear
Connor Edwards
Emily-Jayne Bond
FancyFootball - Nancy
Godstowe School
Jake Downes
Jasen Booton
Jodi Leek
Leif Mae Johnson
Megan P
Ollie Layton
Rommi Temple
St Clement’s CE Primary School Year 5
Tina Brown
Violet Ward
SUPER STAR LIST Story Adventurers:
Super Stars
ANobodyZ
Fancyfootball
Teenyweeny
Isapop
Booty
Twinkle
Weinbag
STAR LIST Story Adventurers:
Apple Pie Teenyweeny MP
Derpy dog Teenyweeny LMJ
kitten Teenyweeny TS
Lemonspacecurd7
POTATO Teenyweeny RM
Rockers
Contributors
Thanks to all of you that contributed your brilliant ideas to the making of this book!
Chapter One
Booty, Fancyfootball, Teenyweeny AJB, Teenyweeny JFL, Teenyweeny EL, Teenyweeny SP, Teenyweeny TS, Teenyweeny VW
Chapter Two
Alien Attacker, ANobodyZ, bean206, Fancyfootball, kitten Teenyweeny TS, loleypop, lolly pop Teenyweeny EI, lozz, Rockers, Rockers MO, tiara teenyweeny ajb
Chapter Three
AlienAttacker, Buzz Lightyear JRJR, choklatechip, CookieClicker1, CookieClicker2, CookieClicker4, CookieClicker5, CookieClicker6, cookie monster, Derpy dog Teenyweeny LMJ, Fancyfootball, Happy, Teenyweeny L.S, Lemonspacecurd4, lolly pop Teenyweeny EI, POTATO Teenyweeny RM, Rocker IM, Rockers MO, Rockers MP, TheNuculearCreeper
Chapter Four
elmo10051, games, Lemonspacecurd2, TheNuculearCreeper
(Manual): AlienAttacker, Cookieclicker2, Cookieclicker4, fireball888, Isapop, lozz, Lemonspacecurd2, Lemonspacecurd3, Lemonspacecurd6, Rockers CH, Rockers GW-S
Chapter Five
AlienAttacker, bean 206, choklatechip, Cookieclicker1, Cookieclicker5, cookie monster, elmo10051, Fancyfootball, fireball888, Lemonspacecurd2, Lemonspacecurd4, Lemonspacecurd6, lozz, puffle puff Teenyweeny BC, Rockers CH, sweetie, Teenyweeny EL, Teenyweeny ID, Teenyweeny LC, Teenyweeny RM, Teenyweeny VW, TheNuculearCreeper
Chapter Six
ANobodyZ, barns, Cookieclicker1, Cookieclicker5, Cookieclicker6, Doodleduck, Emerald buddy, Fancyfootball, Lemonspacecurd2, The beak, Twinkle
Chapter Seven
Derpy dog Teenyweeny LMJ, Fancyfootball and Little Boot
Chapt
er Eight
Booty, Cookieclicker2, croyd123, Derpy dog Teenyweeny LMJ, dog lover, elmo10051, Fancyfootball, gummypie15, Lemonspacecurd1, Lemonspacecurd5, Lemonspacecurd6, Rockers CH, Rockers GW-S, Rockers MP, Rockers SB, santa63, Teenyweeny, Teenyweeny AD, Teenyweeny ID, Teenyweeny KW, Teenyweeny LMJ, Teenyweeny LS, Teenyweeny SP, tiara teenyweeny AJB, TheNuculearCreeper
Chapter Nine
Busy Bee Teenyweeny ID, Cookieclicker2, Cookieclicker3, Cookieclicker4, Derpy dog, Teenyweeny LMJ, dog lover, Fancyfootball, Lemonspacecurd1, Lemonspacecurd2, Lemonspacecurd3, Lemonspacecurd5, Rockers ED, Rockers GW-S, Rockers SB, Teenyweeny RM, TheNuculearCreeper
Chapter Ten
Cookieclicker1, Cookieclicker4, Cookieclicker5, Cookieclicker7, Fancyfootball, Iceypop Tweenyweeny ALB, Lemonspacecurd1, Lemonspacecurd3, Lemonspacecurd5, Lemonspacecurd6, Lemonspacecurd7, Rockers IM, Teenyweeny AD, Teenyweeny CJ, Teenyweeny LMJ, Teenyweeny TC, Teenyweeny VW
Acknowledgements
With the most enormous and heartfelt thanks to:
Julia Iball for so generously providing me with expert mentoring and far more wine than I care to admit to.
Alfie, Bertie, Archie and Annie Beth for putting up with having a writer as a mother and way too many dire dinners.
Gaia Banks for so skilfully steering the Harvey Drew books into print and so generously steering me into restaurants.